The Neurotic Monkey's Guide to Survival

Where'd I Go?

2010-01-15T16:14:00.001-05:00

Far, Far Away -

Actually I've just moved to this site - www.neuroticmonkey.com

It's pretty much the exact same, just more consistent?

Pretty Boy Ain't So Pretty No Mo': First Look at the Joker

2007-05-20T13:01:00.000-05:00

Ahoy hoy!

(Quick aside--the reason why Mr. Burns answers the phone that way in The Simpsons is because that's how Alexander Graham Bell wanted people to say "hello" on the phone - like the French "allo" or the Japanese "moshi moshi." Clearly, this did not catch on - unless we bring it back. Now back to an even nerdier post)

So Ain't It Cool News first brought the following items to my attention through this article. In the past week, some interesting online ad campaigns have sprung up for The Dark Knight, the sequel to Batman Begins. In this movie, Bruce Wayne (Christian Bale) continues growing into his role as Batman while contending with The Joker (and possibly Two-Face). I personally hated Batman Begins (as seen here), and I understand I'm in the vast minority on that one. And that's okay - i believe history will vindicate me one day. But I still believe in the brothers Nolan, and with Katie Holmes and David Goyer absent from the project - plus the addition of Nestor Carbonell as the Mayor of Gotham - not to mention my own geeky proclivities, I will still see this movie in theaters. Sigh, cuz I'm a big pussy. But on to the cool interweb sensations that Warner Brothers is spreading on the web!

First, was the quiet marketing campaign of revealing Aaron Eckhart as Harvey Dent (who later becomes Two-Face) by using the clever political ad for Dent's run at District Attorney (seen below).

Then, came this piece of the puzzle - which was a viral site smearing Dent's political poster. The thing is, as you enter your email, the poster image begins to get broken down, pixels removed to reveal the face of....Heath Ledger as The Joker!!! Quint has since posted the image of The Joker sans all remaining pixels. Here it is:

Does it look vaguely reminiscent of Brandon Lee as The Crow? Yes, but it also looks like it good be cool. He just looks like a fucked up dude. Plus any time you can scar up a pretty boy and cake him in make up is a good day for me. Anyways, let me know your thoughts on this new look for The Joker.

My Home

2007-05-15T00:10:00.000-05:00

Thomas Wolfe once famously said, “You can’t go home again.” While I tend to shy away from clichés, I happen to think this sad adage about growing up and apart from our childhood selves has special significance in my life. Halfway through high school, I moved to a different town and school. While this is a pretty huge event in the maturation and formation of anyone, for me it didn’t just signify a change in zip code and social circles but instead it changed the way I thought about “home”.

I grew up in Lincoln, MA, but I don’t consider that my hometown. Sure, that’s where my earliest experiences and oldest friends come from, but I never saw it to completion. I never experienced all of the dizzying drama that the last two years of high school bring, never experienced the collective insanity of graduation with those people. I drifted apart from so many of them, since high school is all about immediacy and I lived 2 hours away. I don’t even know where half of my old friends ended up, what college they went to, or who they brought to the prom.

I finished off high school in Sandwich, MA located on sunny Cape Cod. I made a few good friendships there; mostly my social circle was comprised of casual acquaintances with a similar sense of humor. This was where I prepared to go to college, where I had some of my more important teenage experiences, and where my parents continue to live to this day. But Sandwich isn’t my home, it’s not where I grew up; I don’t know any of the old traditions or any of the old friendships. I never really fit in because I wasn’t truly from there.

I obviously can never go back to Vassar College. Besides being a ridiculous idea for a living situation (although perfect for a FOX sitcom), there’s something absolutely depressing and defeatist by simply holing up in the old alma mater. Reliving glory days that never happened and creeping out new incoming freshman every autumn is hardly a life worth living.

After college, I moved to New York City. In my tiny apartment in the East Village, where my room comprised of my bed and a lamp I made in seventh grade woodshop, I never really felt like it was my home. More like a layover until I found the place where I truly belonged. I’m too courteous, polite and meek to survive in a city where I get yelled at for apologizing. Every day was a struggle for the survival of my civility. It was too expensive for a man of my meager wages, and constantly forced this homebody to venture into the outside world. As Jim Croce sings,

Though all the streets are crowded
There’s somethin’ strange about it
I lived there ‘bout a year and I never once felt at home
I thought I’d make the big time
I learned a lot of lessons awful quick
And now I’m tellin’ you
That they were not the nice kind
And it’s been so long since I have felt fine, that’s the reason

That I gotta get out of here
I’m so alone
Don’t you know that I gotta get out of here
cause New York’s not my home

I just moved to Philadelphia. I’m living with my best friend and his girlfriend, in a bigger apartment for much less money. My sister and her husband are nearby, as is my other best friend. And yet, I can’t help but feel like a houseguest who will shortly be overstaying his welcome. The streets don’t make any sense, and the public transit system is practically non-existent. Add into that the fact that it’s not quite that big of a city, especially when compared to New York, and this doesn’t feel like home either.

I don’t really have roots anywhere, although most of my family is located in Massachusetts. But even then, that’s not really any place I want to live or feel personally attached to. And I think that all of these reasons and listings of malcontent produce this real feeling of homelessness (not houselessness) in me. And that’s why I’m such a sad and rabid consumer.

I have thousands of DVDs, videos, books, comics, CDs, mp3s. I collect all of these items (most of which will become technologically obsolete in about 6 months) so that I have some semblance of normality. If I surround myself with all of these items, these familiar bits of escapism that have informed me and my outlook throughout my life, then I can create a crude version of home. The walls are patches of DVDs strewn together, under a roof of comic books. I sleep on a bed of CDs and eat on a table of familiar books I read repeatedly. My makeshift house of media and distraction travels with me in bags and boxes, ready to be constructed—my misdirection for the magical act of appearing normal.

So will I ever have a home? Will I ever sit in a house or apartment and look around and finally feel AT HOME? Not just because all my stuff is there but because it’s the place where my soul rests and where I feel safe and comfortable? I’d like to think so. I’d like to think that I can create a home out of the people I’m with, the people I love, and not rely on the latest issue of Wizard magazine to remind me that I’m way I should be. And maybe when I reach that level, that moment of semi-contentment, maybe that’ll be the moment I finally feel like an adult. I’ll finally feel like I’m living in this world, instead of just wasting time until my fantasy life becomes real.

Maybe.

WOLFMAN'S GOT NARDS AGAIN, BITCHES!!!!

2007-05-03T18:45:00.000-05:00

I'm only a few hours away from seeing Peter Bjorn and John in concert, and this is still the best news of the day. This made my little nerd heart grow ten sizes bigger. Thanks to Ain't It Cool News for actually providing cool news for once.

Ladies and gentlemen...

The Monster Squad
is coming to DVD on July 24th!!!!!!!

That is the cover art for the DVD. Now if this helps bring Night of the Creeps to digital versatile disc, I will be the happiest nerd in nerdtown.

FRISKY DINGO THURSDAYS!!!! The Final Chapter (for now)

2007-05-03T09:48:00.000-05:00

This is it - so now that you've seen all 13 episodes - tell me what you think. And make sure Adult Swim also knows what you think about the whole durn thing.

Personally, I think it, coupled with The Venture Brothers, represent a great and hilarious direction for the network (and if they had kept Perfect Hair Forever, it would make for a great trifecta of random genre parody).

Anyways, here it is:

Frisky Dingo
Episode Thirteen
"Thrust Issues"

PART I

PART II

But Who Watches the Watchmen? Apparently Tim Kring...douchebag.

2007-05-01T09:53:00.000-05:00

VS.

This is an older story (I first read about it over a month ago on CHUD here), and one that is quite famously making its way across the web as nerds all over feel scorned by their mainstream acceptable entertainment. A recent storyline development in Heroes has started resembling a MAJOR plot point in Alan Moore & Dave Gibbons's seminal 1986 comic series, Watchmen. And by resembling, I mean Tim Kring and his team of writers have pretty much ripped off one of the most respectable and well known comic books in the history of the medium.

Before I get into the spoiler laden debate over Heroes's plagiarism, I wish to give a little background on both entities. Watchmen is one of the most influential comic books in terms of both within the industry and outside of it. Inside the industry, Watchmen changed the way a lot of people looked at superheroes, specifically the morality & psychology of people who dress up in tights to save the world and also what the realistic ramifications of having superpowered beings on our planet would be for the rest of the populace. Suddenly there were blemishes on Superman's cape, and Batman appeared like a bit more of a sociopath in long underwear. That's not to say that Moore's book was just a subversive attack on the superhero genre. It was also a love letter to creation, art, archetypes, and the human spirit. It told a story of misguided and fallible heroism, but it was merely holding a mirror up to us all. None of us are perfect and valiant all the time, but most of us aren't just plain evil either. It's a muddled picture where the good guys do horrible things, and horrible people can be good guys. If you haven't read it, I simply can't recommend it enough. Watchmen will be turned into a movie next year by Zack Snyder (of 300 and Dawn of the Dead remake fame), and apparently will still take place in 1985. For more information on Watchmen, check out the Wikipedia page.

That's a tough act to follow. But Heroes has been making a name for itself on TV since its premiere, which drew in 14.3 million viewers. Heroes is a character driven drama in which the main characters are all slowly discovering (or, in some cases, mastering) very special and unique traits, powers if you will, that set them apart from everyone else. Some find their new talents to be a gift and revel in the possibilities, while others see their new abilities as a curse and try their best to hide it. The show has a quick pace that constantly keeps its large cast moving, advancing the plot with every episode, and showing the interconnectivity of everyone involved. Fan favorites Claire (the indestructible cheerleader) and Hiro (the time travelin' transportatin' Japanese businessman/nerd) represent the divide in how people feel about their gifts, and also provide the show with its comedy and heart. There are a lot of mysteries that have been introduced throughout the show's first season, along with a bunch of horrible taglines (covered here). It is a good mainstream show that is occasionally clunky with its dialogue and yet compelling due to the constantly forward moving plot (which at times makes it predictable, but at least is never a cocktease like its serial genre father, Lost).

(SPOILERS FOLLOW MOFO)

In its ever expanding story, recent developments have prompted politician Nathan Petrelli, who can fly, to allign himself with his mysterious mobster benefactor, Linderman. Linderman, who before his appearance on the show came across as a devious, manipulating cold-blooded villain, also has a power himself - the ability to heal. It turns out the Linderman used to be in a super group with other "special" people, who tried to save the world becoming fractured and pursuing their own paths and desires. However, Linderman never stopped wanting to save the world - and now has a scheme which will bring America together. His scheme? He wishes to set off a living bomb in New York City, killing millions (but only .07% of the world population, he is careful to point out), and hopes that the tragedy will unite Americans and get them behind then presidential candidate Petrelli who, in turn, will usher in years of prosperity and peace. It's actually a great idea, and the manipulative use of collateral damage and tragedy in hopes for advancing unity is something that has been used before in old issues of Weird Science and episodes of The Outer Limits.

The real problem? This is exactly the overarching plot of Watchmen. Ozymandias, the former costumed hero with super intelligence, sees that only by using a great horrible cataclysmic event can the world ban together. But to sell the tragedy he creates these horrible alien creatures which he will teleport into Times Square, killing millions in the process and staging what appears to be a failed alien invasion. With this attack from the ultimate outside, the world begins to pool together, and the rest of the heroes allow this new age to begin (although one is killed to ensure that it will happen).

So to recap:
-Ultimate villain a former hero with noble intentions? Check

-A devastating attack on New York City which will kill many, but are mathematically expendable for idealistic pursuit? Check.

-Other heroes who will tacitly comply once they begin to turn to the new reasoning of the Villain? Check.

The main issue I have isn't that Heroes uses THE SAME plot device as Watchmen. My problem is that it never gives credit for the story or acknowledges that it's been done previously. Tarantino rips off/pays homage to hundreds of movies in each of his films--but he gets a pass from nerds. Why? Because he acknowledges that he is using those movies, tells others about the movies he is borrowing from, and clearly is a big fan of those movies. Kring, on the other hand, continues in his "I HAVE NEVER READ COMICS IN MY LIFE EVER" stance, and refuses to publicly tip his hat to Moore & Gibbons. He maintains the position that since he has never read ANY comic books, his conscience is clear. Behold, from the official 9th Wonders website:

DL- I sent you the trade compilation of J. Michael
Stracynzki's "Rising Stars," a now fully complete story about a group of kids
all from the same town who develop supernatural abilities (and are thusly
labeled "Specials")... my question: Why didn't you read it? (and "no time" is
not an acceptable answer, pal!)
TK- I'm intrigued by this question because
obviously something I've done with HEROES proves to you that I didn't read it.
The problem is, since I didn't read it, I don't know what that is. Did I miss
something I should have stolen? Did I steal something and don't know it? I fear
the latter from the tone of your question. But the truth is I didn't read it for
a couple reasons.
First and foremost, because this show deals in the arena
of the super hero and comic book world, I didn't want to be tempted or
discouraged by other ideas out there. Very early on in the process, I went to
see my friend Jeph Loeb for just this reason. I told him I was not well versed
in this world and wanted him to steer me away from anything that was derivative
or just out and out stealing. Unfortunately EVERYTHING I pitched to him had not
only been done once, but many times in many ways. I literally went home that
night convinced that I couldn't touch this subject without reinventing the wheel
at best, and outright plagiarism at worst.
I finally decided, maybe
foolishly so, not to read anything. In this way, at least my conscience is
clear. And I have surrounded myself here with enough comic book folks who can
tell me what to veer away from.

So Jeph Loeb is to blame? I never did like Hush anyway (nerdy comic reference/joke). But the problem here is that he admits that he surrounds himself with people in the industry (not the least is Tim Sale & Jeph Loeb who have been working for a long time for the Big Two - DC & Marvel). Watchmen is considered THE cornerstone of modern comic book storytelling. You can't be considered at all knowledgeable about comics without knowing this book. You can't even DISCUSS comics after 1985 without bringing up this mammoth and legendary contribution to literature. So my problem isn't that he came up with the same idea - although I am INCREDIBLY skeptical of that, too. No, my problem is that a brilliant piece of work is being used without any proper recognition - and it's being used POORLY, i might add. And I worry that if/when Watchmen does make its way to theaters, if people (by which I mean the vast majority who have never heard of the landmark series) won't suddenly decry the movie's third act as ripping off Heroes!

Heroes has subsequently gone on to a botched plagiarism of the epic "Days of Future Past" storyline from Uncanny X-Men #141-142 in their latest trip to a dark future where the powered people are rounded up by the government. They've even included scarred cast mates and former villains turned allies in their vision of dystopia.

C'mon, Heroes! And to Mr. Moore - you would have nothing to do with the pretty good adaptation of V for Vendetta, but you allowed this to pass? Unleash Hell, Mr. Moore. By which I mean your legal staff!

Frisky Dingo Thursdays: MONDAY Edition!!!! - PART XII

2007-04-30T09:45:00.000-05:00

Only one more to go after this one folks, so Drink it In!

Episode Twelve: "Penultimate Fighting"

PART I

PART II

Get to Better Know a Clone

2007-04-30T07:03:00.000-05:00

This picture is equal parts hilarious, adorable, and deeply disturbing. It's from GQ. Enjoy!

Frisky Dingo Thursdays!!! - Part Eleventy

2007-04-26T09:41:00.000-05:00

Episode 11: "Grate Escape"

PART I

PART II

Frisky Dingo Thursdays!!! - Part Xticle

2007-04-19T09:38:00.000-05:00

Episode Ten: "Flowers for Nearl"

Part 1

Part 2

One Nerd's Opinion: The Top Films of 2006

2007-04-16T16:29:00.000-05:00

Yes it is a bit belated, but I had to be sure to see most if not all the most buzz worthy of films. Although I still didn't see Dreamgirls...and to be honest? I'm okay with that. Also missed out on Norbit. I know that was in 2007, but I think that's what everyone should say if they ever wish to procreate--"Have you ever seen Norbit, and if so, did you watch it ironically?"

Anyways, without further ado here's my Top 5 films of 2006:

Children of Men
Cuaron's film is so many things at once: effective sci-fi, scathing political commentary, action journey film. It also does all these things while still having moments of wit and humor, and grounding everything in the real; nothing feels terribly manufactured, and that's perhaps while it's still able to convey such a powerful emotional message. Cuz while it's not nearly as moving as United 93, Children of Men is able to go for beyond just sheer tragedy and horror to actually discuss a great many things on a great many levels. Great soundtrack, too.

United 93
The best film I never want to see again, yet always feel oddly compelled to watch it. Greengrass made a film that feels like a documentary (helped most ably by his cast, which has most of the actual people reliving that horrible morning), in so much that it's showing the bare bones and realistic occurrences of 9/11, but it does it while also maintaining the growing sense of confusion, fear, horror and ultimately panic that everyone felt that day. Of course capturing the near primal scene aboard the titular plane in such a way that seems fearsome and grotesque while retaining its heroism and humanity, the film refuses to be used as a political soapbox for anyone and simply asks to look at the faces and listen to the words of the people who were involved in that entire tragedy.

The Fountain
Aronofsky's film was a huge disaster. At least that's how most people, including box office prognosticators, would have you believe. And I'm not about to take the gross nerd copout route of saying "people didn't get it". In fact, this film is fairly easy to get (although still open to interpretation and debate). However, the film is simplicity itself: it's about life and death and how love fits in between and among those two pillars of our reality. The Fountain is such a simple story of how we don't want to die, how we're so afraid of death, how the shadow of death creates a pall over all over our lives, that we don't even notice the great things like love. Kudos to Wolverine for proving he can act, by the way.
Brick
One of the best debuts of a filmmaker since the historic Sundance Class of '92, Rian Johnson's amazing film first takes a-so-obvious-I-can't believe-it-was-never-done-before premise (high school + film noir), and then actually makes a great film, not simply resting on the genius of that pairing. The plot and dialogue is pure Chandler (of who I happen to be a big fan), and the acting is so well done. Brick is simply a great exercise in characterization and style, and I can't wait to see what Johnson does next.

Borat
Funniest movie of last year. I don't care about the lawsuits, or how it destroyed Kid Rock & Pamela Anderson's marriage, or any of that jive--this movie had me laughing so hard in theaters that I literally was in pain. My head hurt and my sides hurt from all of the laughter, while my eyes hurt from looking at Ken Davitian's taint. It's not the great American satire or looking glass that it could've been, but it provided plenty of "Holy Shiite!" moments, that even such things are forgiven. High Five!

And here's the remaining ten in my top 15:
A Scanner Darkly
The Descent
Pan's Labyrinth
Stranger Than Fiction
Talladega Nights: The Ricky Bobby Story
Slither
Little Miss Sunshine
Lady Vengeance*
Volver
Idiocracy

Thoughts? Agree? Disagree? Let me hear it!

*Yes, I know Sympathy for Lady Vengeance originally came out in 2005, but it didn't make it to our shores until 2006. So deal with it.

Frisky Dingo Thursdays - Part IX

2007-04-12T14:29:00.000-05:00

It's back! Frisky Dingo's got sumthin for e'rybody!

Tonight!
Episode 9: "The Odd Couple"

PART I.

PART II.

Kurt Vonnegut, Amazing Man and Personal Hero, dead at 84

2007-04-11T22:30:00.000-05:00

Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. has passed away. And so it goes.

I want to stand as close to the edge as I can without going over. Out on the edge you see all the kinds of things you can't see from the center.

Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. is one of my personal heroes and true inspirations in my life. He told tales of morality, of lunacy, of passion, of life, of death, of heroic freaks and freakish heroes. His novels were daring and weird, bouncing between genres like ricochet bullets, dangerously blending the fantastic with the utterly mundane.

His science fiction tales were always rooted in the all too human characters, complete with foibles and flaws and funny expressions, that peppered his stories. They were funny and tragic without being caricatures. His words were simple, true and unafraid. He has informed more people with his silly stories than most people do with their solemn lectures. Here is a link to the NY Times article about his passing and his life.

What should young people do with their lives today? Many things, obviously. But the most daring thing is to create stable communities in which the terrible disease of loneliness can be cured.

He was the author of many great works that will stand the test of time and forever be staples in the bookbags and shelves of clever, passionate people for generations to come. His novels include Player Piano, Slaughterhouse-Five, Cat's Cradle, Galapagos, The Sirens of Titan, Jailbird, Slapstick, Deadeye Dick, Timequake, Breakfast of Champions, God Bless You, Mr. Rosewater and Bluebeard. He was also incredibly adept at the short story, where he got his start, creating such amazing stories as "Harrison Bergeron" and "All the King's Horses".

Laughter and tears are both responses to frustration and exhaustion. I myself prefer to laugh, since there is less cleaning up to do afterward.

My favorite book of his was most not his best liked, but to me it was the simplest and truest rumination on war, education, the penal system, families, and America at large. Hocus Pocus tells the tale of Eugene Debs Hartke, a former Vietnam vet, college professor and resident at the new prison. Vonnegut uses his protagonist to muse on the realities of growing older but not necessarily wiser. Eugene contemplates his place in the world amidst the new faces of war and government in increasingly cynical times. His sexual liaisons equal the same amount of people he's killed, and we're talking more than just a few handfuls. He is a sad, tragic figure that manages to still be quite charming and funny and is even allowed a few profound statements throughout the novel. It may not be the best introduction to Vonnegut, but it is an amazing read that has resonated with me since I've read it.

When I moved to Cape Cod halfway through high school, one of the few things that perked me up in my new location was the fact that I wasn't too far from where Vonnegut used to live. It's a nerdy and completely meaningless fact as Vonnegut had already relocated to New York by then, but for some reason the fact that a great man with such a gift had walked the same quiet roads in the nothing towns that I lived in managed to make me think I could escape and my lowly status wouldn't preclude me from attempting to try and bask in the man's shadow.

Here we are, trapped in the amber of the moment. There is no why.

Here is an eight part look at the man's work and life available on YouTube:
Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4
Part 5
Part 6
Part 7
Part 8

God bless you, Mr. Vonnegut. And so it goes, and so it goes...

Hilarity Ensues?

2007-04-11T12:48:00.000-05:00

Some things to make you chuckle on this fine day in April (the cruelest month, donchaknow):

First Kramer, then Imus, and now...La-Z-Boy?: Yes, behold the story of the racist furniture! Who knew the Chinese had problems with black people? Maybe Yao's constantly muttering racial epithets when he's on the court and looking like an undead giant. Anyways, check out this story: http://www.citynews.ca/news/news_9559.aspx
Who Knew Our Vice President Was Such a Skeev? Oh, that's right--everybody.
SHAMELESS SELF PROMOTION: As many of you may know, I've been working with my writing partner (and heterolifemate) Keith Doughty on The Goonies: The Musical. With the recent announcement that Richard Donner and Steven Spielberg are trying to make a real charge to Broadway, we're attempting to start an internet sensation. First stop? MySpace! So if you have a MySpace account, please add us to your friends. Head over to our page to listen to & download our songs: http://www.myspace.com/gooniesthemusical
A Great Song about Robots NOT by Jonathan Coulton? This song is amazing! It's like "Blinded Me With Science" meets Short Circuit. Well done, sir! I present to you "We're In Business" by Andrew Thompson:

Need Help Writing the Great American Novel? Try These!
Before the Fockers, There Was Comedy: And while the new Die Hard Trailer is red hot right now, behold the much better trailer featuring John McClane, back when Ben Stiller was funny (although already showing signs of being annoying):

Quiz Time!!!!

2007-04-10T15:03:00.000-05:00

Hey everyone!

Please fill out the quiz below. I'll give it until Sunday night at 11pm Eastern, and then I'll post my own answers. Remember - answer completely and honestly. Thanks for the anonymity, Interweb!

Favorite Beatle?
Last Book Read
Last Movie You Saw in Theaters
Favorite Sexual Position?
What drugs have you done?
What Drugs Do you want to do?
Who was your teenage celebrity crush growing up?
Favorite Bill Murray Film?
Bugs Bunny or Daffy Duck?
Favorite Drink?
What’s the best sitcom of all time?
Name one unusual place that you want to have sex. Why there?
What would your porn name be? (first pet + first street you lived on)
Kicks to the Groin: Funny or Not Funny at all?
Favorite song by The Rolling Stones?
Who’s your favorite super hero (Spidey week in NYC, 4/30-5/6!)?
How often do you watch porn?
Most distinguished/pompous book you’ve read
Prince: Yay or Nay?
Would you rather have a boat or a plane?
What is your favorite Velvet Underground album?
Favorite word?
Favorite kids’ book?
Name of the company you would start is:

HAPPY CRAPPIN BDAY, ZOE

2007-03-28T09:14:00.000-05:00

So what could rouse the sleeping giant that is the author of this blog?

Is it a post about etiquette in the men's room?

No (but I am working on that).

Is it a post about the dangerous threat posed by MechaJackson?

No (but I am working on that, too).

So what could possible lead me out of semi-retirement like some overacting Michael Corleone?

Simply put, today is my girlfriend's birthday. So, without further ado:

HAPPY CRAPPIN' BIRTHDAY, ZOE!!!!!!

Today she turns 25 years old (rue the day when the words "years young" follow your age), and I bet she's having a helluva time of it in NYC. Meanwhile, I'm stuck in the anal bathwater that is Philadelphia.

We've been dating for almost 10 months (anniversary is on Monday), and it's been a helluva blast. There's been loving, and laughing, and fighting, and crying, and fun times and a case of a missing sandal. (inside joke, prepare for those peppered throughout this thing. sorry, we're just that cute.)

But today is her day, and she deserves nothing but the best. She puts up with all of my manic-depression with few complaints, and constantly helps me as I try to become a better person and a slightly better adjusted adult. She's amazing in the way that she is always so cool and so fun and so easygoing, and makes it look like it's not some herculean effort to put up with all of the bullshit this world flings at us like an irate monkey.

She's always really good at everything she tries her hand at: whether it be her cooking (my baby's a chef--like Raekwon!), her singing, any game she decides to play (best Guitar Hero player ever? at least, that's not japanese or Wil Wheaton), or anything else she sets her mind to.

She's an amazing woman who is so grounded, it rubs off on others around her. But it's not that boring type of grounded where she's just a walking buzzkill. If anything, she's the walking high school kegger and I'm the panicky older brother who has to warn her to keep it down cuz Mom and Dad are gonna be SO mad that they left me in charge.

She has great taste (except in men, obviously) in movies, tv, music (except who likes JT and Robin Thicke THAT much? that's not a gay guy, i mean...). her fashion sense is impeccable, and only adds to highlight just how beautiful she really is. And she is stunning. Sometimes you wake up next to somebody and you feel like you just wandered into the Jabberwocky. But with her, when I wake up and look at her, she is just so breathtaking that all I can do is smile and feel awkward for my own aesthetic shortcomings.

So get off your asses and raise those glasses--this is for Zoe. Happy birthday, gorgeous: I love you and I wish you the best day you've ever had.

See you soon, love!

(And in honor of her birthday i present you with the greatest music video of all time. In fact it's our song...no it's not, cuz that would be weird. But still it makes us giggle.)

Samwell, "What What in the Butt" (not exactly safe for work)

PS. All haters and trolls can suck it. Yeah, that's right...suck it. And if you think it's lame that i'm writing about my girlfriend like a 13 year old gushing about how HOTTT Fall Out Boy is, then think about how lame it is to not understand the need to do that or the lack of an opportunity to do that in your own sad, lonely, pitiful existence. Bitches.

Frisky Dingo Thursdays - Part VIII

2007-01-18T13:27:00.000-05:00

Episode 8 - "Blind Faith"

Part 1

Part 2

Gotta love blind Killface!

Saddle Rash

2007-01-12T14:30:00.000-05:00

Somehow I missed this one.

It was on Adult Swim and came from a lot of the same people from Home Movies, which is one of my all time favorite shows ev-ah.

It's called Saddle Rash, and it's pretty durn funny, although it does take a lil while to get going.

This show has got H. Jon Benjamin, Sarah Silverman, Mitch Hedberg, Waylon Jennings and Todd Barry amongst others in a hilarious and weird send up of westerns. I guess only a pilot was ever made/shown (especially following the deaths of Hedberg and Jennings - mayhaps a gypsy curse felled this project?).

But here it is - thanks YouTube!

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Frisky Dingo Thursdays - Part VII

2007-01-11T13:14:00.000-05:00

This may be my favorite episode ever. It includes my favorite line which I'll quote at the end of this post.

Without further ado, I give you Episode 7 - "Meet Antagone"

Part 1

Part 2

The Line? "Once again, the mall has become my Waterloo."

Tip of the Hat to You, Sir!

2007-01-09T17:57:00.000-05:00

Well, here it is.

The winner for next year's Oscar, and definitely going to be THE movie to watch for in 2007.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you...Black Sheep

(No, it's not a joke. Although it is supposed to be horror/comedy hybrid - a la Slithers, Bad Taste, Evil Dead 2 - this movie is for realz. Pretty Awesome, right?)

Frisky Dingo Thursdays (Tuesday Edition) - Part VI

2007-01-09T13:11:00.000-05:00

God bless you, Killface.

Episode 6 - "Emergency Room"

Part 1

Part 2

Real Life Pac-Man

2007-01-05T18:08:00.001-05:00


Live Action Pac-Man of the Arcade Video Game. Only Japan can come up with something like this.

Friday Grab Bag

2007-01-05T12:08:00.001-05:00

So This is Christmas...er...It WAS Christmas, Wasn't It? - Every year the good folks over at Venture Industries releases some sort of holiday treat (last year it was the Monarch & Dr. Girlfriend's stirring rendition of the Bing & Bowie classic "Little Drummer Boy/Peace on Earth"). Well this year is no exception. Over at Quick Stop Entertainment, the team of Jackson Publick & Doc Hammer - along with a plethora of their voice actors - has unleashed holiday Hell in the form of a superb cover of a traditional British christmas song. Right click here to download.
Direct to Podcast? That Makes Me the Premiere - Remember how you used to love Mystery Science Theater 3000? Remember those crazy halcyon days you would talk about the show (referring to it in the ultra hip, yet fairly efficient, manner of "MST3K") endlessly? Hoping there was someway Mike and the 'Bots could bring their snarky comments to more recent films? And what if I told you that you could have those voices in your head during the movie come from an iPod and not just your repressed traumatic memories of boy scout camp? Does that sound like something you'd be interested in? If you answered yes to any of the above questions, stop talking to your computer. People will think there's something wrong with you. Are you out of your damn mind? But more importantly, head on over to RiffTrax. RiffTrax is the revolutionary interactive commentary system by Mike Nelson (he played "Mike" on MST3K - not much in the character name stretching dept., but that's life) and usually features at least one fellow cohort (usually one of the voices of the bots!). Basically you pay anywhere from 99 cents to $3.99 for a audio file, download it to your computer, put it on your favorite Mp3 player, and then play it during the particular movie featured. It's a pretty cool idea and I wouldn't be surprised if this starts popping up all over the place. Anyways, head on over and check out some of the free samples.
Not Funny, But Still Pretty Friggin Cool - Yup, Giant Squids are all over the place. Do NOT fuck with them. I remember a time when we didn't even know they existed, and now it appears that we're gonna have to battle them all for the supremacy of our world. Oh well. They used a chainsaw to defeat the one in Peter Benchley's The Beast, so how tough can they be? Special Props to my Friend Erin who sent me this link with the note "Don't Go in the Water! Giant Squids are more plentiful than we thought!" Excellent use of the word "plentiful" - 5 points.
Prepare Mind for Imminent Blowing - Check this out, y'all! Gonna need some sound for this:

Trust Me, It's For Your Own Good - Listen, I understand no one really WANTS to see United 93. It's a too soon wound that many of us can easily recall what happened and how we felt that day. But you really should see it. To quote one of those oh so clever writers at Ain't It Cool News, United 93 is "the very best movie that I will never, ever see again". It's an amazing movie that is emotionally riveting. It feels like a documentary, and even though you know the general outline of the whole situation, you still seem to be waiting on the edge of your seat for the next moment the entire time. Since so many "real" people were used in it (real United stewardesses, the actual people from the Air Traffic Control offices on 9/11) it has a real sense of authenticity about it, which just ratchets up the tension and the emotion even more. Of all the films i've seen this year, only United 93 and The Fountain left me feeling emotional and truly moved by what I just saw. Both left me asking questions about how I was living my life and how I was showing my love to others. It's an important movie that people shouldn't be afraid to watch. I can't recommend it highly enough, and you shouldn't shrink away from the movie just because it makes you uncomfortable. If anything, you should encounter such a movie head on, and force yourself to undergo it in an attempt at finding some sort of resolution. Go see United 93!
This Is For the ONE PERSON Who Hasn't Been Sent This in a Mass Email Yet. So Keith, this One's For You - Here's a cool collection of pavement drawings this guy, Julian Beever (stop giggling), creates on sidewalks around the world. He uses forced perspective in his drawing to create some of these cool images. Some of them are pretty cool, and almost all of them leave you feeling like you're being lied to - which I guess is a compliment.
But What About "Best Performances By a Sassy and/or Ethnic Sidekick in '06"? - I love top ten lists. I do. I love when people start trying to codify things. Usually I don't agree with it, and often times I find myself realizing it's an incredibly subjective and futile effort to rank one artistic expression above another. But I'll be damned if I don't find myself reading all of them in December/January when all websites, TV shows, and magazines start printing them out. It serves multiple purposes for me: 1) it informs me of anything that's slipped under my radar, or reminds me of something I had meant to enjoy but forgot; B) It lets me know the pulse of the nation - how folks are feeling these days, what's enjoyable, what's not - it pretty much helps map out the critical landscape; iii) it tells me where the particular site/publication is in terms of its tastes, and if i can continue reading it in good conscience; Fourthly) it helps me hone my own thoughts about the previous year's output and debate the worth of the works. So yes, they are overly simplistic tools that continue our obsession with ranking things and comparing items that are incomparable, but they are also great ways to generate conversation, debates, and thought processes. So thanks again, Gawker.com, for the Top Ten Best Lindsay Lohan Farts of 2006 (although I think #7 - In Wilmer Valderrama's pool while Passed Out on Vicodin - is a little overhyped).
Speaking of Which - The Top Ten Best of The Best of Lists for 2006/2007 -
10) Best ReCut Film Trailers of 2006 by Rolling Stone - The ironic juxtaposition gets a LIL tedious after a while, but some of these are pure gold, I tells ya!
9) Best of 2006, The Guest List at Pitchfork - Yes, Pitchfork is pretentious and longwinded and everything else that is wrong with them. Still they introduce me to tons of new music, good and bad, and keep me feeling hip. However, I actually prefer the guest list which shows what the indie kids themselves are listening to when not slumming it in Brooklyn.
8) Best Viral Videos of 2006 at iFilm - You know that annoying/hilarious/annoying video you and everyone at VH1 was obsessed with for two weeks and now kind of feel ashamed of it? Here's all of them compiled in list form!
7) TMZ's Naughtiest of 2006 - I like seeing people act crazy. And I love the word "firecrotch". It's just good olde fashioned fun.
6) Top Ten Disappointing Children of Artists - Ouch. Just Ouch.
5) Massawyrm's Best/Worst of 2006...Sorta - Yes I referenced this list earlier, but I happen to like the way the guy writes, and his specialty categories are pretty damn hilarious. Also, despite his insistence, it makes me really want to endure Little Man. It's like my own Everest. But with a bad, long-running midget joke.
4) Best Links of 2006 on Kottke.Org - Nerdy? Oh Sweet Jesus, Yes. But Nerdy can be fun AND educational.
3) AV Club's Year in Film 2006 - Despite being associated with a "joke magazine", the AV Club is offering some of the best film criticism out there. Although I don't always agree 100% with them, the critiques are well written and generally tend to hewn closer to my tastes than, say, Joel Siegel (more on him later).
2) Top Ten Gayest Moments of 2006 - If Jackass Number Two isn't on the top of this list, then they ain't doin' their jobs.
1) eFilmCritic's The Whores of The Year - hilarious! compelling! a thrillride! this is actually a pretty funny example of all of those movie quotes from the same nobodies who seem to love every movie and proclaimed White Chicks the next Citizen Kane. Also, I love me some "Douche Bag Award".
WHAT AM I WATCHING: "The Office", "Scrubs", United 93, "Pardon the Interruption", Idle Hands, "Jeopardy", "Frisky Dingo", Oldboy (again), "Afro Samurai", "Robot Chicken", "Heroes", Pan's Labyrinth, Step Up, The Warriors, Cemetery Man, Little Shop of Horrors, "Attack of the Show", The Brothers Grimm, Road House, "Real World/Road Rules Challenge - The Duel", Alien Intruder, A Scanner Darkly, "Arrested Development" reruns, Talladega Nights: The Ricky Bobby Story, "Bad Girls Club", Beerfest, The Sound of Music.
WHAT'S GOING INTO MY EARS: The Dears, Gang of Losers; The Decemberists, The Crane Wife; Clint Mansell (featuring Kronos Quartet & Mogwai), The Fountain OST; The Shins, Wincing the Night Away; Neko Case, Blacklisted; Nas, Hip Hop is Dead; Belle & Sebastian, The Life Pursuit; Neko Case, Fox Confessor Brings the Flood; The Hold Steady, Boys and Girls in America; The Knife, Silent Shout; The Streets, A Grand Don't Come for Free; Jesus Christ Superstar London Cast Recording; Midlake, The Trials of Van Occupanther; Grizzly Bear, Yellow House; My Chemical Romance, The Black Parade; This American Life podcast; Little Shop of Horrors OST.

I hope everyone enjoys the weekend. I'll be back next week with a slew of Movie reviews, some random musing, an episode of Frisky Dingo, some top ten lists of my own, and maybe - just maybe - some Sexy Results? Til then - i leave you with this:

Lesley Grapka 1981-2007

2007-01-05T11:47:00.000-05:00

Two poems for a departed friend. It's been kind of a fucked up week:

Sleeping at last

Sleeping at last, the trouble and tumult over,

Sleeping at last, the struggle and horror past,

Cold and white, out of sight of friend and of lover,

Sleeping at last.

No more a tired heart downcast or overcast,

No more pangs that wring or shifting fears that hover,

Sleeping at last in a dreamless sleep locked fast.

Fast asleep. Singing birds in their leafy cover

Cannot wake her, nor shake her the gusty blast.

Under the purple thyme and the purple clover

Sleeping at last.

Christina Georgina Rossetti

_________________________________________

The Old Men Admiring Themselves in the Water

I HEARD the old, old men say,
"Everything alters,
And one by one we drop away."
They had hands like claws, and their knees
Were twisted like the old thorn trees
By the waters.
I heard the old, old men say,
"All that's beautiful drifts away
Like the waters."

William Butler Yeats

Frisky Dingo, Episode V

2007-01-04T17:38:00.000-05:00

Talon Party...on your face!

Episode 5 - "Kidnapped"

PART 1

PART 2

Happy Birthday, Jesus! Hope You Like Crap!

2006-12-25T01:39:00.000-05:00

To commemorate this specialest of days, I present the oft neglected, even more ofter denied, gem from the 70s:

The Star Wars Holiday Special!

This is only about 45 Minutes of the 2 hour show. But don't worry, it'll feel like 2 hours! It also includes the first appearance of Boba Fett (in cartoon form!), Bea Arthur singing, and Chewbacca's family! Yikes...just yikes...

Enjoy, and have a happy happy happy kwanzaa (does that "holiday" even exist for any reason outside of sarcastic holiday greetings?)

12 Days of Xmas - The End of The Beginning of the End. So, that's like, what? The middle? Yeah, OK - 12 Days of Xmas, Pt 12 - The Middle of the End

2006-12-24T01:10:00.000-05:00

Well, it's the eve of Christmas.

Santa is stocking his sleigh with toys and No Doze.

Communists are turning a blind eye to the ghastly lit festive decorations festooning their once proud Kremlin.

And somewhere, a Young Albino Lad gets his greatest wish and becomes a real boy.

But most importantly, it's the end of the 12 Days of Christmas. And what better way to end it all than to end it with a bunch of stuff from the greatest defender of Christmas since the infallible duo of Schwarzenegger & Sinbad in Jingle All The Way? Yes, I'm talking about the Yule Tide Titan of Truthiness - Stephen Colbert. Enjoy some various clips of our Beloved Colbert below, and have a great christmas eve!

(Oh, and if your father should be buried underneath a decrepit building that has collapsed upon him, be sure to sing carols to lure him away from the icy hands of a cold and unforgiving death. Anyone know what I'm talking about? Anyone?)

First Up is the Green Screen Challenge Montage:

Next is a Green Screen Challenge Bit that didn't make it to the air - it involves Stephen Colbert & Signs:

Thirdly is a great segment of Colbert & Carell from when they were on the Daily Show. And yes, Carell actually did get drunk and later vomited in Colbert's car. Still so brilliant:

Ah hell...here's the best of for Even Stevphen:

And lastly - Colbert doing what he does best -- Gettin Funky:

12 Days of Christmas Part Elevensies - But What About Second Breakfast?

2006-12-23T01:01:00.000-05:00

Huzzah! That is officially my nerdiest title of a post ever! Woo!

I want thank my family, my agent, all the people at Skywalker Ranch, and of course the big man - Jesus - most of all. We did it, Jesus!

Anywhoski, while the day draws nigh, here's another morsel to enjoy whilst celebrating the annual observation of the time you cried because you didn't get the Nintendo Power Glove ("It's so bad!")

This time it's an old and great cartoon by the genius that is Don Hertzfeldt called Rejected.

Enjoy!

My SPOON is too BIG!

12 Days of Christmas Part X - Enter the Giant Moose!

2006-12-22T19:14:00.000-05:00

Justin Timberlake (or JT as he likes to be referred to on the restraining order he put against me and Ashton Kutcher) usually has at least one good skit whenever he's on SNL. And this time is no exception. Although I think Saturday Night Live is offensively unfunny now - even despite losing the fat albatross of Horatio Sanz from around their neck - this little short made me laugh. And yes, this is the third "Digital Short" to become a viral video (After the the Epic - and eventually annoying - "Lazy Sunday" and then the "Natalie Portman Raps"). Although I don't think Andy Samberg is that funny over all, these shorts do occasionally highlight some sense of bein semi-witty. I still feel like the guy may be the walking equivalent of the Be Sharps - funny the first time, but each successful time it just makes you angrier and angrier. ANNNNNNNNYWHOSKI, with this bitch of a prologue out of the way, I give you the Holiday Themed SNL Digital Short with Andy Samberg, JT, Maya Rudolph, and some chick who may or may not be affiliated with Days of Our Lives.

Enjoy!

Frisky Dingo Thursdays - Ep. IV

2006-12-21T15:04:00.000-05:00

Here's your newest weekly dose of Frisky Dingo deliciousness. I may start bumping up how often I post these shows. There are about 12 episodes in total (only 10 have aired, thus far), and I'd rather it didn't take 3 months to dole them out. Thoughts? Holla?

I kind of love Watley/Dread Lobster. But it'll always be Killface & Simon that keeps me coming back. Oh, mumbly quasi-British child character with talons! Cliched, I know, but somehow they make it fresh.

Here's an old article about the making of Frisky Dingo before the show came out. Clearly this show went through a TON of changes, or else they have a lot in store for the second season. But I obviously love the idea of George Lucas gorging himself on cheese. Brilliant!

Without further ado, I present Adult Swim's brilliant Frisky Dingo: Episode 4 "XPO"

Part 1

Part 2

Holy Shit! - Christmas Miracles Really DO Happen!

2006-12-21T14:00:00.000-05:00

Omigod!

This bit of news had me light up like Marsha Brady when Davey Jones came to her prom!

Brian K. Vaughan is joining the writing staff of Lost!

This is like the time I got peanut butter in my chocolate! Two great (well, at least one great and one used to be great but has turned into kind of a cocktease) tastes that taste great together!

For those not in the know, i.e. people who don't read comics and/or graphic novels and instead get laid (freaks!), Brian K. Vaughan is probably the greatest writer working in comics today (alongside Grant Morrison and Neil Gaiman, in my humblest of opinions). He has created the following gems:

Each is a brilliant slice of high concept that is delivered through some truly excellent characterization and dialogue. Y: The Last Man and Ex Machina are both headed to movies (once their series wraps up), Runaways is about to be taken over by the ingenius Joss Whedon, and Pride of Baghdad is destined to become a traumatic animated tale of our current war in Iraq, if there is any justice in this world.

But now BKV is joining the writing staff of the middling Lost! Perhaps he can lift the characterizations, dialogue, and twists above the muck and mire of mere stereotypes and cliches! Here's what the Man had to say on his own blog:

"Sorry I've been so coy about these rumors, but I always like to wait until the contracts have been signed and the "first trimester" has been survived until I talk about stuff.

But yes, inexplicably, I've been hired as an Executive Story Editor by the fantastic television show LOST. As I'm neither an executive nor an editor, this is really just a fancy Hollywood way of saying that I've joined the writing staff.

I can't talk about much more than that, so I implore you to please stop asking me what the island is, who the Others are, how Matthew Fox smells, etc. Still, I will say that I'm insanely honored to join such an amazing group of writers (some of their new scripts I've been lucky enough to read are destined to become the best episodes of the series), and I'm very grateful to Damon Lindelof and Carlton Cuse for having so much faith in me.

And no, I'm absolutely not leaving comics. There are a lot of Y: The Last Man and Ex Machina fans at the show, so everyone has been great about leaving me just enough time to work on those books, and even some new ones, including an upcoming four-issue stint on that Runaways guy Joss Whedon's "eighth season" of BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER over at Dark Horse. Stay tuned for news on the all-important creator-owned front, as well.

I've learned more about the creative process in two weeks inside the Lost writers' room than I did in four (very rewarding) years at NYU's film school, so hopefully, this new challenge will push me to become a stronger writer and help my work to evolve.

Mostly, I just don't want to screw up a show that I love."

YAY!

Also, now's a great time to get into Y: The Last Man. The series will end with Issue #60 (Vaughan is all about having a set number of issues for each of his stories, something I hope he brings to Lost), and it is currently on Issue # 52 (just hit comic stores yesterday!). There are 8 trade paperbacks out right now (all available here), and each one is a great read filled with awesome set pieces and amazing characters. So check it out.

Excelsior!

12 Days of Christmas, Part 9 - You Get the Joke By Now.

2006-12-21T13:33:00.000-05:00

And here's some more content to enjoy whilst you anxiously awaiting slathering yourself in Tainted Nogg and defending your sexuality to your grandparents:

(PS This has portents of things to come for the final day of christmas - any guesses? Anyone?)

12 Days of Christmas Part Ocho - The Fighting Eighth!

2006-12-20T16:32:00.000-05:00

I know this video has been everywhere, but I do enjoy a good "Why Does Matthew McConaughey Have his Shirt Off?" joke. Also, what's not to love about the often retarded looking Matt Damon ("MATT DAMON!") mocking the cyborg from Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation? Seriously, he had a mechanical leg in that movie. The fuck is up with that?

12 Days of Christmas, Part VII - Attack of the Clones

2006-12-19T16:05:00.000-05:00

Here's an oldie, but nonetheless, also a goodie. It's a christmas light display that is done in time with "Wizards in Winter" by the Transiberian Orchestra (do those guys just do Christmas themed rock classical pieces? That seems like a very specific niche market). You may recall that this was used in a beer commercial last holiday season.

The tragic irony behind the whole thing? The children who live in that house are all epileptics. So while it is nothing but yuletide gaiety for many, it is a personal glittery hell for those tiny spasmatics. Ho, ho, ho.

A Lawsuit Against U2 for the Song "Sunday Bloody Sunday" is Pending

2006-12-18T15:56:00.000-05:00

So some conservative christian group is proving that, just like Jesus, when one feels offended you should turn the other cheek - and then loudly protest and bitch about it. It's the whiny, passive aggressive move that Jesus himself pulled when the Romans crucified him.

(From IMDB news)

Christian groups have slammed the remake of cult 1974 movie Black Christmas, because they find the horror movie "offensive." The Glen Morgan-directed film stars Oliver Hudson, Katie Cassidy, Lacey Chabert and Michelle Trachtenberg and centers on a group of US college students who battle a slasher over the Christmas holidays. The movie will be released on Christmas Day in US cinemas, much to the horror of Christian groups. Mathew Staver, founder and chairman of Liberty Counsel, says, "To have a movie that emphasizes murder and mayhem at Christmas, a time of celebration and joy around the world seems to be ill founded." Jennifer Giroux, co-founder of Operation Just Say Merry Christmas, adds, "The use of religious music 'Silent Night' and the nativity set on the front porch in one scene are insensitive to Christians. It's not enough to ignore and omit Christmas, but now it has to be offended, insulted and desecrated. Our most sacred holiday, actually a holy day, is being assaulted."

Here's the real problem with this story - Jennifer Giroux doesn't know her own faith. Christmas, which, like all Christian holidays, is actually a mixture of observances and attempts to co-opt a Pagan holiday to make Christianity seem cool, isn't the "most sacred holiday" of Christianity. Being conceived in a virgin by an angel - yes that's a miracle. Being born, is not.

And the most sacred Christian holiday is...anybody? Anybody?

It's Easter. It's the day that Jesus was resurrected and ascended to heaven. So, next time you wish to espouse how much you know your own faith, and how you are the last line of defense for something so sacred that you care so deeply about, Ms. Giroux, perhaps you could at least PRETEND to know something about it. Damn!

12 Days of Christmas, Pt. 6 - Adrienne's Revenge!

2006-12-18T14:59:00.000-05:00

And here's another morsel of animated fun for all y'all. Sure, it's not as good as Frisky Dingo, and it doesn't go down as smooth as a stein of sweet, chilled Egg Nog (mmmm...Nog), but it's entertaining. Plus who doesn't love skinny bitches acting stupid? WHO AMONG YOU?

12 Days of Christmas, Part 5 - No Seriously, This Time IS the Final Chapter. I Swear.

2006-12-17T12:42:00.000-05:00

I love this video. Personally I think Zach Galifianakis is one of the funniest comedians working today. He also seems like a petulant child with a large dosage of Crazy Pills, but that just makes him so much more entertaining. Besides which - Behold that beard! It's a thing of beauty.

To learn more about Zach and his beard go to: http://www.zachgalifianakis.com/

12 Days of Christmas, Part 4: The Final Chapter

2006-12-16T12:40:00.000-05:00

Here's a great (if not THE GREATEST) Christmas Treat. Ziggy Stardust singing with some guy that used to beat the living shit out of his kids:

Mazel Tov!

And if you liked that little slice of heaven, and also enjoy nerdy but Hilarious cartoons, then check out The Monarch and Dr. Girlfriend (from The Venture Bros) paying tribute to this very special meeting of the minds. Go here to download the song (scroll down).

Countdown to Christmas - Part III

2006-12-15T14:12:00.000-05:00

Well here's a particularly sweet Christmas treat for all my loyal readers this yule tide. It's the poster to Eli Roth's Hostel II. Honestly? It's pretty disturbing, pretty brilliant, pretty gross, and pretty farkin' awesome!

It looks like a David Cronenberg movie threw up all over a camera and that's the picture that came out. Anyways, major thanks to IGN for posting this picture. Be sure to go on over there for a slew of cool interviews, images, and other fun film stuff for upcoming and current movies.

Come back tomorri to see what I'm gonna post for Part IV. Have a good weekend everybody!

Good (NEWS) Friday!

2006-12-15T10:41:00.000-05:00

Fear Not! For I bring unto thee good tidings of great joy! And now some especially terrific news items:

Great Zombie Jesus! - Head Honcho David X. Cohen talks up Futurama at Toyfare magazine (click on over there). For those too lazy to click over, the gist is that Futurama will be back in 2008. Will it be on Comedy Central? Will it be on DVD? Unknown. But most of the writers are back, all of the voice talent is back, and Al Gore is once again lending his voice (Dude - get a job already! Oh that's right, he's a consultant for Apple and Google...which means he's groin grabbingly rich. Bastard). The best lil tidbit is that the Hypnotoad will be returning, including, Cohen says, "a full 22-minute episode of Everybody Loves Hypnotoad for the DVD release. I am serious."

If Only There Were Hipsters in Brooklyn to Appreciate This... - Lou Reed will be performing his formerly derided/currently hiply beloved album Berlin in Brooklyn, NY. This NY Times article details how Reed will be performing his entire gloomy album from Dec. 13th - 17th @ St. Ann's Warehouse. I'm very interested and pray that they are filming this event as it is once in a life time (well, the first in a life time at least). I really love this album, although I will note it is the Single Most Depressing album of all time (no matter what the British say). But it is a beautiful, symphonic epic telling of a very simple and personal story of two classic Reed characters (drug addict lovers who abuse each other and lament their existence) inside of an apartment building in Berlin (before the wall came down). Just listening to the song "The Kids" when a child suddenly and desperately cries out "MAMA!" that is absolutely heartbreaking. It's definitely worth listening to, and if you're able, you should head on over there to check it out.
The British Version of Pretty Woman is A LOT Darker - Okay, this doesn't qualify good news. Unless you think the slaughter of 5 British prostitutes counts as good news. In which case you're starting to scare me, and I think I should take the kids to my mothers. In the English port town of Ipswich, the bodies of 5 women have been found in 11 days. This rash of murders harkens back, of course, to Jack the Ripper (although the news story makes it sound as if there have been several "Rippers" in the UK's past. Hey, England - why you no likey the whores?). But what makes this sound so fascinating to me is the near cinematic dramatic language that Mike Berry, criminal psychologist, uses in describing the fiend: "'The killer may be confident he will not be caught," he wrote in the Daily Mirror. "He will be fascinated by the coverage of the case ... he will be thinking "the game is on".'" So who wants to join my rag tag group of Ripper hunters and go on over to foggy Londontown and crack this case wide open? I would prefer a mixture of races and expertises that were comprised of (but not limited t0): judomaster, chemist, acrobat, computer analyst, mathematical genius, mime, precision driving, 1980s cartoon theme songs, and whores. Please email me at the contact info provided. Also - names are important, people. "Ipswich Ripper" is a misnomer. And "Suffolk Strangler" just sounds lame. But "The Ipswich Killer" - that sounds pretty great. It's like a Jane Austen book where characters tell each other HP Lovecraft stories. Let's stick with Ipswich Killer, and let's track this guy down, gang!
Best Christmas Themed Hipster Gift EVER (Overwhelming Sense of Irony Not Included) - Behold the Sufjan Stevens Christmas Box Set! At only $19, and jam packed with 5 CDs (albeit of Christmas standards) along with a slew of extras (• Five individually packaged CD EPs!• Five Christmas stickers!• Extensive liner notes and short stories by Sufjan Stevens!• An original Christmas essay by Rick Moody!• An animated music video and comic strip by Tom Eaton!• A Christmas Songbook with lyric sheets and chord charts--so you can sing along too!• An original Christmas Family Portrait painting of Santa Sufjan (with wife and kids!) by Jacques Bredy!), I think this would be quite the steal for any holiday hipster.

And You Thought Congo Was Retarded... - Honestly, Michael Crichton: What the Fuck? What is wrong with you? For those who haven't heard, allegedly Michael Crichton has inserted one of his critics into his newest book for about 2 paragraphs. Sure, writers have used similar techniques in the past to get their revenge on those who deride them. But I think this is a special case. Why? Because Crichton has decided to cast his critic as a Baby Rapist. And to add insult to injury? He's a Baby Rapist with a Small Penis. I would also like to point out that the NY Times uses the term "small penis rule" as if that is part of our every day lexicon (for those not in the know - and i certainly wasn't - the small penis rule is when an author describes a person in real life with a fictional name and then gives said person a small penis; the theory is that no one wants to scream "that's me! that's me with the small penis!"). Seriously, this is some fucked up shit. Much worse than Sphere. Well...mostly worse than Sphere.
God Bless You, Conan O'Brien! - There's a law that if you mention a domain on the air, and that domain is available, then you have to own it. Or something like that. Anyways - here's the story. But as the story shows, Conan's staff turned nerdy cybernetic lemons into hilarious aquatic mammalian porn! Go on over to the site to check out some hot Manatee porn, and also the great cartoon: Pale Force. Head on over to http://www.hornymanatee.com/. And enjoy!
That IS Why They Call Them Business Socks - It's an oldie, but a goodie. I leave you with Flight of the Conchords performing their internatinonal megahit, "Business Time".

Frisky Dingo 3-D!

2006-12-14T12:39:00.000-05:00

Okay, it's not actually in 3D. But here is the third episode of this great show.

I really like any show that's willing to just shut up for half a minute in order to obtain awkward silence. Brava, Killface! Brava!

(In case you missed it - Episode 1 and Episode 2)

Part 1

Part 2

12 Days of Christmas, Part the Second

2006-12-14T11:37:00.000-05:00

Enjoy this specially made clip by the cast of Scrubs in which they dub over A Charlie Brown Christmas with their own special dialogue.

Also, I love Snoopy's laugh. That weird, high pitched yaw sound he makes. It's brilliant and not at all what I expect from the little beagle.

Stop Letting These Idiots Type!

2006-12-13T10:51:00.000-05:00

It's been said that if you give a million monkeys a million typewriters and an infinite time to write, eventually they will produce Shakespeare (to see a completely anal retentive theorum regarding this saying, go here).

Apparently, if you give one monkey one T-Mobile Sidekick and a few lines of blow, you can get the following trash. The disease ridden Party Girls have taken to the InterWeb to plead their various cases. In the Victorian times, people would correspond with their public and with each other. Authors and various socialites left behind whole volumes of letters that revealed not just the inner workings of their minds, but the true feelings that existed in that bygone era. Alexander Pope and other writers would call out their critics and engage in an intellectual tete a tete in London's newspapers.

Nowadays, we get this MySpace message from Stupid Spoiled Whore, Paris Hilton, defending Britney Spears:

(from IMDB.com)
"Lately, you've been seeing pics of me and Britney partying (blah blah) and she knows that some of her fans are very upset about what they call her 'behavior' and sadly they're blaming the issue on her being friends with me. For people to call out her parenting skills on behalf of her partying ethics is appalling. Britney loves her kids to death, and I know for a fact that it truly hurts her when she sees these cruel things being written about her. She goes home every night to her babies and partying has not come in the way of her parenting. Anyone who has called her out on this should really be ashamed. There are thousands of mothers out there who like to go out and have a good time. But, you do not see people out there calling them 'bad parents.' She's young, and if she wants to go out and have some fun, let her. Just because she does these things does not mean she doesn't care about her children. For the sake of Britney and her kids, be kind. Love, Paris."

What the fuck are Partying Ethics? And the idea that Paris hilton would EVER use the word ethics is mindblowing on so many levels.

Meanwhile, after releasing her postmodern treatise on philology and grief, Lindsay Lohan has struck back. This time invoking the ghosts of modern political times, like Al Gore and Bill Clinton. Is Lohan satirizing the idea of the public self vs. private self? Is she trying to parody the very term "cause celebre"? Or is she just coming down after a weekend spent high on cough medicine and Sour Patch Kids? Either way, here is a leaked email that Lindsay Lohan has recently sent out.

(from Gawker)

"Subject: The way of the future-Howard Hughes once said. I am willing to release a politically/morally correct, fully adequite letter to the press if any of you are willing to help. Simply to state my oppinions on how our society should be educated on for the better of our country. Our people. Also because I have such an impact on our younger generations, as well as generations older than me. Which we all know and can obviously see. People are just mean. I am going to proceed with putting LR to court if need be for what she's done to me. Its my life. I want to live it. People cannot lie and think that it is okay to continue on having done so. Simply because they will do it again to someone else, and that is not alright with me. I have had many ups and downs, as do we all.
"But to make false accusations to one girl is unjust in my oppinion. Having said this, I am willing to do anything I need to get my life the way it should be and the way I work for it to be.. And have thus far in my career. Let's sue the tabloids for saying the things they say. Defamation of character. Amongst other illegal accusations, I will repeat this over and over to make my point. I am not fully aware of what these, again, accusations are, but I am fully and eagerly prepared to learn them. Have harvey and all lawyers help me please. If he is willing. Al Gore will help me he came up to me last night and said he would be very happy to have a conversation with me. If he is willing to help me, let's find out. Hilary Clinton, Bill Clinton, and Evan metroplis, and John Daur who works with them would be willing, if we just ask. If we just ASK. I'd really like to fix things and refuse to stop on any account for these unintelligent, vulgar people who like to hurt other people. Not just me, but everyone. I'm willing to hold a press conference and I will do anything necessary to do so. In putting an end to 'these people' trying to put an end to me and belittle me as well as try to be the demise of me after all I've gone through and done at such a young and tender age in a womans life. Its enough already, I've had enough and I am going to be the one to make a change.
"For all of my fellow actors, friends, people I admire and for those I've lost in the recent days, years, months. I do believe the focus in the world has misplaced and directed in the wrong directions and I am willing to be the one to help change that and use my celebrity status to move the focalpoint /(s) of the press to the real issues that we have going on as we speak. Anyone that is willing to help and has a family member or friend, even co-worker that is in a position to be involved in any way, shape or form, please contact me, Jenni Muro, Leslie Sloane, Michael Heller, Jason Sloane, Jason Weinberg as soon as you can or are willing. Just ask them, it doesn't hurt to ask. So let's start now, rather than waste time. Do you agree? Because I'm doing it either way. The way of the future. Thank you for your time. Your Entertainer, Lindsay Lohan"

She should be beaten to death with the Oxford English Dictionary.

Al Gore, your reaction to suddenly finding yourself alligned with a coked up anorexic whore with a drinking problem?

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

12 Days of Christmas, Part the First (or is it Twelfth?)

2006-12-13T10:31:00.000-05:00

With only 12 more days until we celebrate the half-assed birth of Our Lord and Savior in what can only be referred to as deplorable and down right negligent conditions in a filthy barn, I figured I'd give us 12 days of holiday themed fun and excitement.

Now, is today technically the 12th day of Christmas or the 1st day of Christmas? Wouldn't Christmas be the first day of Christmas? And why do I find "8 maids a milking" so damn sexually provocative?

(THIS JUST IN: Apparently the 12 days of Christmas begin AFTER December 25. Check here for more information. What I don't get is if there's a chance of extending Christmas and Jesustime, even if only by 12 days, then why aren't the Fox News Christmas Defense League all over it? They are fighting the war on the War on Christmas, but apparently don't intend to celebrate the 12 nights after Christmas. For shame, O'Reilly. And Hannity, I expect this type of blatant disregard for Jesus from Colmes...not from you, Sean. Not from you.)

Anywhoski, so the first treat today is the trailer for the 1985 instant classic, Santa Claus: The Movie. Check it out!

Has anyone seen this?

Not to ruin this truly inspiring piece of art, but one of the plot points is that a Rogue Elf (Dudley Moore, of course) uses the magic powder that helps the reindeer fly to make candy that an Evil Industrialist (John Lithgow) dangerously sells without considering the ramifications (apparently people will just float away). Anyways, to escape the authorities, Lithgow stuffs his face with the candies, and the last time we see him he is floating in space. That one shot freaked the hell out of me as a child. "Oh hey, Santa Claus: The Movie. What presents are you bringing me this year? Weeks of nightmares of a paranoid businessman trapped floating endlessly in the cold vacuum of space? Thanks, Santa!"

Here's the best line from Roger Ebert's review of the film (he gave 2.5 stars):
"The movie needs a super-Scrooge, and all it gets is the kind of bad guy Ralph Nader might have invented. The biggest crisis is when a couple of reindeer come down with runny noses."

Super Scrooge, eh? The Santa Clause 4: Revenge of the Super Scrooge! Someone call Tim Allen!

Frisky Dingo Thursdays - Episode 2!!!

2006-12-07T18:59:00.000-05:00

(Check Out Episode 1 here.)

I really think this may be the best comedy on TV right now, beating out The Office and Scrubs. I do miss Venture Bros., though. But still - all of these characters are absolutely brilliant.

Plus I love the line from the rap "All That Jizz" that they have in this show "Tell Bill Maher I'm Comin For You!"

Now onto the exciting, continuing saga of Killface!

Part 1:

Part 2:

So enjoy, and let me know your thoughts! Holla!

The Hills May Have Eyes, but the MPAA Doesn't Have Brains

2006-12-07T15:37:00.000-05:00

Here's the original poster for the new Hills Have Eyes 2 movie (as found on EatMyBrains):

I never saw the remake, and I really have no intention to see this movie. I'm sure it's gonna be horrible. So why am I showing it here, on my own lil slice of cyberspace? Because the MPAA doesn't want you to see it. They think it's too scary, or whatever reason - they have a problem with it. So they have ruled, on a whim, that it must be changed. So now THIS is what it looks like:

What the eff? At least in the other poster the person was alive, s/he had a fighting chance. This one, s/he appear to be dead. Or I guess since there are no body parts protruding from the sack, we can't assume it is a body. Wha-Wha-WHAAAAT?

Anyways, in the feeblest of protests, I now post up The Hills Have Eyes 2 poster as it should've been, and to ensure that everyone gets to see it and that the MPAA will soon wither and die in its impotency.

A Monkey's Manifesto

2006-12-06T16:52:00.000-05:00

Firstly, here's my thoughts on The Velvet Underground song "Oh Sweet Nuthin" (it comes in to play - you'll see):

Why mince words?

"Oh Sweet Nuthin" is one of the few songs that I think of as an anthem in my life (the other songs are "Like A Rolling Stone" by Dylan, "And All That Could Have Been" by NIN, "Waiting for My Real Life to Begin" by Colin Hay and "Do You Realize?" by Flaming Lips - maybe not the most optimistic or happy collection of songs).

When I first heard it (roughly a year before High Fidelity came out - so I got to geek out in theaters to it), the song just struck a chord in me. It's basically, on a lyrical level, one of the most depressing songs. People get ripped off, dropped off, forgotten, left behind, and broken. It's a testament to the broken heart, the dashed dreams, and the mean realities that rip us a part. That song is the essence of sadness. The only problem is - no one told the Velvet Underground that. It's played with such joy, such revery, and it becomes a celebration. VU is celebrating the fact that we all get shit on. That we live amongst cannibals, and phonies, and hustlers of spirit - but that never stops us.

"The Bed" on Reed's second solo album Berlin, is truly the examination of the price of a painful and depressing life, one mired in a pessimistic swamp that seems intent on not allowing for any joy or any reflections on brighter times.

That is not "Oh Sweet Nuthin". It's the song of that smug loser. It's the song of the man who brushes himself off, smiles at the Guy who beat him, and just walks on. It's the song of Cool Hand Luke (and therefore, I guess the song of Jesus?). It's that moment of transcendence, when someone steps out, laughs at how absurdly harsh everything can be, and just keeps on.
And (like the good English Major I am) there's textual evidence of this:

Say a word for Polly May
She can't tell the night from the day
They threw her out in the street
But just like a cat she landed on her feet
And say a word for Joanna Love
She ain't got nothing at all
'Cos everyday she falls in love
And everynight she falls when she does

Joanna Love never stops, never gives up on love; she falls in love, falls into beds, and continues on. Polly May hit that street, but was still ready to pounce and keep goin. Reed's lyrics don't sugar coat what life is. Life sucks. But you don't cash in your chips. You play the next hand. Cuz while Life may be Horrible and a lot of Awkward Unfunny Pratfalls, it keeps goin on. You'll get another chance, you'll survive this, and who knows? Maybe one day you'll actually catch a whale.

And it's also perfect as the last song for the Velvet Underground (yes, they released live albums, unreleased B-sides, and had a rather poorly devised reunion tour - but this was their last real studio album). It was a band famous for infighting, drug problems, ego maniacs, a pregnant drummer, a complete lack of awareness by all but the truly hip. It was a band marked by a bunch of ups and downs, with a lot less ups than downs (they wouldn't be recognized, revered, and canonized for many many years later - and having sex with Nico couldn't really have been that great). But the note they left on, their most perfectly straightforward pop album, still belies this darkness and sadness. And this song implies that the bad times didn't go away just cuz Lonesome Cowboy Bill is riding like a fool - they're there. They'll always be there.

But the Velvet Underground, and the fanatics of "Oh Sweet Nuthin", are ready to greet these dark and uncertain moments with a grin and a joke, wiping off their backs, and preparing for whatever will come next.

After sending this to my Obi-Wan (brilliant impassioned teacher who's also a good friend, and whose ghost will haunt me for lightyears to come), she jokingly said that I was a nihilist, and she wanted to see where these dark feelings came from (all in a sweet and nice manner, mind you). I get that a lot. That I'm a nihilist, an atheist, a godless heathen. Well, here's my response, and I think, it's kind of my manifesto in life. It's how I describe myself - a Cynical Romantic.

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Cool Hand Luke, Wonder Boys, Modern Times, Annie Hall, The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou, Breathless (original), Brazil, Rushmore, The Fisher King, Unforgiven, The Royal Tenenbaums, and pretty much any Sam Peckinpah movie. These are all movies that show this ugly and raw side of life. They show how harsh and depressing everything can be, and how often fantasy and dreams fail our real selves. But they are all done with a smirk, a smile, a joke, a moment of acting out, and they all feature protagonists that try for greatness despite the insurmountable odds. And they're never heroes, they're just dreamers who decide "fuck it" and just go for it in some capacity or another. It's that quixotic quality. Don Quixote is so depressing because essentially he's a demented man who wishes to escape life and finds himself creating a much better world than the one he's in. He's admirable for his dreams and desires and ambition and nobility, but also tragic because it's about a man's failure to cope with the world. It's that delicious layer cake of comedy, heroics, tragedy, and futility. And the people who dig that type of a story - Romantics, Dreamers, Hedonists - are people who know the sweet matches the sour. It's that line from Jitterbug Perfume by Tom Robbins:

“Salvation is for the feeble, that’s what I think. I don’t want salvation, I want life, all of life, the miserable as well as the superb. If the gods would tax ecstasy, then I shall pay; however, I shall protest their taxes at each opportunity, and if Woden or Shiva or Buddha or that Christian fellow--what’s his name?--cannot respect that, then I’ll accept their wrath. At least I will have tasted the banquet that they have spread before me on this rich, round planet, rather than recoiling from it like a toothless bunny. I cannot believe that the most delicious things were placed here merely to test us, to tempt us, to make it the more difficult for us to capture the grand prize: the safety of the void. To fashion of life such a petty game is unworthy of both men and gods.”
I'm not a nihilist. I think of myself as a Cynical Romantic. I want nothing but the best in the world, for myself and my friends. I want to fall in love, and do incredible things. I want to be known in the places people go to be forgotten. I want to leave footprints on a land no one else has seen. I want to tell stories that end in scars & laughter. I want to be able to entertain any idea or thought without ridicule or judgment. And I believe all of these things are possible. I believe in superheroes and unknown dimensions and that adventure is literally a block ahead of me at all times, and maybe just once I'll come face to face with it.

But with all of these wants and desires exists the cynical truth of my days. The lies, shortcomings, and cruel realities that are always present. The Government. My job. My appearance. The world around me. The sad fate of my friends. My stillborn future. The lack of real glimmers of hope in my heart. These two things clash inside of me. It's like magical tragedy. Cuz in my head there are fantastic vistas and creations and worlds being born every second. But in my life, it's the same old same old, and i feel the noose tightening.

My favorite quote from one of my favorite films of last year, Me & You & Everyone We Know (which also belongs on the list above and which you should definitely see), is:

"I don't want to have to do this living. I just walk around. I want to be swept off my feet, you know? I want my children to have magical powers. I am prepared for amazing things to happen. I can handle it. "

I just think it's so appropos. And i also don't think I'm the only one that feels this way. I think most of my generation feels betrayed right now. We were promised an amazing future full of flying cars and exploration and wondrous possibilities. And instead we find dead end day jobs and compromised values. I'm sure it's nothing new and that every generation feels that way, and this feeling is just an extension of my generation's narcissism. But that's how I view myself and my life. And i could go into all of the shortcomings, defeats, embarrasments, letdowns, and abuses I've suffered in my life to make me seem hardened and misanthropic. But there's no reason for it - nothing truly original. And in the end - i'm not really misanthropic, just guarded. And I can't wait for the day to come, for the world shattering event to take place, where I can open my gates, smile wide, and let everyone in.

Maybe some of y'all feel the same way. Dunno.

Astrobase Go!

2006-12-05T12:03:00.000-05:00

Moonbase, muthafuckas!

NASA announced plans today for a moonbase to be started around 2020, and hopefully create a permanent structure by 2027!

Read it all here!

Now, I admit I don't normally give a rat's ass or understand most of the "progress" we've been making with NASA recently (studying how ants react with screws in space?). But this is like a half a step closer to the future we should have. Can the flying car be far behind?

Also, the article says that "commerical enterprises could expand the outpost to develop scientific and other interests." My question to all of you is What Will Be On The Moon First: a Starbucks, a McDonald's, or a Wal-Mart?

"Save the Writing. Save this Show."

2006-12-05T09:30:00.000-05:00

Heroes is a rather large hit for NBC. Despite this, I know only 2 other people that watch it (my roommate and my girlfriend). So perhaps what I'm about to say will fall on the deaf ears of my general readers (by which i mean my girlfriend, my roommate, and I guy looking for brutal monkey sex porn but ended up here instead. Sorry, Melvin!), but it's time to discuss this show.

Now, some of what is going to be covered here ventures daringly into the land of Spoiler Territory for Heroes and for Lost. So if you're not all caught up with the show, I suggest you go watch the episodes you've missed and then come on back here. In the meantime, I'll just amuse myself by looking at this pornographic playing cards.

All set?

I don't think Heroes is a bad show; it's just an unrefined show. It has loads of potential with some good actors, clearly a good budget, and some talent behind the screen. It also has loads of albatrosses bringing it down - including bad actors, bad sense of pacing/plot, bad dialogue, and some bad talent behind the screen. The pieces are in place for this show to be good, but it just needs some polishing, some buffing, and other activities that will help make it shine a little bit.

I will also point out that Heroes doesn't really have a central mystery. While Lost's inherent story derives from "where are they?" and "how can they get off where ever they are?" Heroes's main mystery appears to be "How did they get their powers?", except that doesn't seem to ever be a question and is usually just answered by "genetics" or "evolution"(which to some viewers in the south must be akin to saying "Magic!"). The other mysteries are more temporary - Who's Sylar? What's up wit dat huge friggin' atomic explosion in NYC? Who is Mr. Bennett and his Black friend? - or at least don't seem to be immediate questions with which the viewer needs to concern himself. And yet...and yet...and yet, Heroes is somehow compulsive to watch. What has me tuning back in? Do I want to see where all these different strands of stories converge and intereact? Is it the prospect of turning a beloved geeky idea (superpowers!) and actually making it a viable and compelling hour of television? I would assume it's the latter, since the prospect of these characters interacting is semi-interesting, but I know that the reality would be anything but.

So how can the creators fix this show so it fulfills the geek promise? How can they actually make it more than just a Lost clone?

Look upon my works ye mighty, and despair!:

I) Stop saying Your Stupid Ass Tag Lines!!! I know that they will be moving from "Save the Cheerleader. Save the World." and onto "Are You On the List?" in the new year, but I can't tell you how faakin' sick I am of hearing that crap. Firstly, it's the stupidest tag line of all time. It's dumb, vague, and completely silly. Secondly, when you have it uttered approximately 8 times in each of the last 5 episodes, it gets even more ridiculous. It's called browbeating, and while it's pretty bad when they are repeating something actually interesting, it becomes downright insufferable when the characters are repeating this swill. It's an obvious attempt to make it a question on everyone's lips, and also a very jarring shout out by the writers to the latest of the show's mysteries. Unfortunately, it only succeeds in making all of the characters look silly and the writers look inept. So I don't want every character in the new year asking each other "are you on the list?" Let's learn from our mistakes, people!

II) I Care About this Why? For the love of god - give me a character to give a damn about! I will say that Hayden Panettiere's character, Claire the cheerleader, is actually interesting. She's ashamed of her powers, but embraces them when necessary. She uses them to right wrongs, but is still discovering her place in this world and how to best use her powers. Plus she's cute. So she's an interesting character - because she grows, she changes, she modifies, she tries new things, and interacts within her own social environment of her family and high school. Claire also has displayed all emotions - love, sadness, fear, anger, happiness, etc. She's not a one note character and is the reason why so many people enjoy her (not even going into the whole "cheerleader fetish" thang). Unfortunately, she's the only one (although Greg Grunberg's Matt the Cop is also very interesting as he's the simply every man coping with his powers and trying to do Good as well). Who else is interesting? The Petrelli brothers who are constantly locked in that endless Mulder/Scully paradigm of saying "It's Possible!" "Forget about it! You're insane!" "It's possible!" "Forget About it! You're insane!" over and over again. I hate when characters have to be willfully stupid and incredulous, for no reason (looking at you, Lost). Hiro? Who just has a lot of asian enthusiasm and no real depth? Sure, he's the Morpheus of the show (the one who endlessly espouses the philosophy of the show and the morality involved in the ridiculous situation), but he seems completely unfazed that his girlfriend was lobotomized by Sylar. Mohinder follows the same pattern as being a man who keeps saying that he wants to believe, but then continues to refuse to believe. It doesn't make sense. And none of these people have any range of emotion. They are one type and that's it. Nathan's the incredulous bastard, Peter's the hopeful hero, TJ/Nicki/Micah are all unhappy, Hiro is the cutesy fool, and Isaac can't act (seriously - help this brother out). How about actually making these characters real characters, with histories that exist OUTSIDE of the main plot points. Show they have had heartbreak, and have done things they aren't proud of, but are capable of humor and love and acts of bravery. The best characters on the show (Claire the Cheerleader and Matt the Cop) are the closest to real people who are struggling with their powers but also trying to use them. They have issues with the people around them and with the power inside of them - it's the basic Stan Lee formula, and there's a reason it's been working for about 40 years.

(SIDE NOTE: Have you noticed that Lost and Heroes both deal with a lot of characters that have major Daddy issues? Heroes: Claire, Nathan & Peter, Mohinder. Lost: Kate, Locke, Jack. The mothers in the shows tend to be willing idiots who prefer complicit ignorance than to stand up to the fearsome Patriarchs. Or else, just not really mentioned. Meanwhile, everyone has real problems with their fathers, either the legacy they left behind, how their fathers treated them as kids, or the types of man/life/connections their fathers were before they died/disappeared. Is this a commentary on our times? Is this the first large piece of television writing from children of divorced and/or broken homes that arose in the 70s? Or is this just an empty cliche that is easy to go and re-use time and again? What if God was one of us? Just things to consider, I suppose...)

III) Decompression is for Bitches. Yes, 24 made the ultra-serialized story popular. So now a real time hour of plot can occur and be worthy television. Unfortunately, it doesn't translate as well to other shows. When using the plot device of real time, then decompression can work - but only if you have multiple narratives and constant events spurring the plot along (like 24 does). If you have multiple narratives that are all languishing slowly, meandering towards a plot like a far sighted drunkard to a urinal, then it gets really boring. Decompression (which is when you take a simple act or event and then draw it out over a long period of time - or multiple issues of a comic book, or multiple episodes of a tv series) can be useful. It provides time to create depth for characters, establish emotional sincerity in the relationships between characters, and therefore creates the possibility that when an event in the plot occurs, people will care more about that event since they have (theoretically) grown to know the characters so well. This is done well on shows like Sopranos and Deadwood, where character building events and conversations pile upon each other before a huge event (like someone is killed or two characters hook up) finally happens that has emotional resonance for the viewers. Well, since there is no emotional resonance for the viewers on Heroes (see my last point), it hinders the effectiveness of the decompression. So instead you have bland characters stuck in their modes, slowly marching off to some event (that can be obviously foreseen by some viewers) that no one cares about because there's no immediate emotional response. For example, let's say Jackie had been more of a character in Claire's story -- she had been a much larger bitchy presence, had interviews where she was claiming Claire's heroic exploits as her own, pretty much fucked with Claire's head from the git go. Then when she died, people would either be happy (morbid bastards) to see her go, or sad since she was a fun high school villain. Either way, people actually react to see her head get split open. So you can keep the decompression in, Heroes, but only if you promise to use it wisely. Otherwise, I'm taking it away from you!

IV) Time to Start Killin' Bitches. In the beginning, What made Lost seem interesting and exciting was that it seemed intent on challenging viewers' expectations of plot points and characters. Locke seemed evil, but he wasn't really, and he couldn't even walk! The pilot got eaten, or at least just skinned alive out of nowhere! Kate was the fugitive! Someone's gonna die! In fact, the producers constantly spoke about how they wanted to defy normal TV conventions and make it seem that anyone can die at any second, and that if a Lead character and a red shirt go into the forest, maybe the red shirt will be the one to survive. Unfortunately, that completely wasn't the case and the producers dropped the ball. Instead just following the rote characters to do the exact same thing and react the exact same way to any given situation. But the reason why some people still think Lost is thrilling, and why the first season holds up best, is because there's a sense of danger. You don't know these characters, so you don't know how they'll react. Same with Heroes. We don't know any of these characters - all we know is that they have powers now. And if people think a show is dangerous, that at any given second someone could die, or turn traitor or be revealed to have a power, then they will tune in more often and talk about it a lot more. If no one is safe, then everything becomes more significant and necessary to watch. So perhaps it's time to start killing people off - starting with Matt the Cop's wife, which would fill Matt with a bunch of guilt. Then move on and start killing children and pets - nothing says evil and unpredictable universe like a murdered pet.

We can all agree that the majority of people in this world is stupid. But, everyone wants to be challenged intellectually. It's true. People like investigating mysteries together, they like talking about them and theorizing what they just saw with friends and online. They like poring over each still of an episode hoping to find the one clue that will crack open the case and prove them smarter than the writers. They are willing to work for it if the series seems emotionally and intellectually engaging. If they care about a series, people are willing to invest a lot of themselves, their time, and their money into the show. And with viewers becoming savvier and savvier, TV shows should be rising to the challenge.

So stop coddling us, Heroes. You have the raw materials needed to be an excellent show - so start cutting away the fat. Make the show's characters more interesting and more real. Work on the dialogue so people aren't either spouting tag lines or simply saying exposition and helping fill in lazily created plot holes. Make the events count by raising the emotional interest of the viewer, or else have more events occur to be entertaining. And make the threats real and make them immediate, that way people feel absolutely compelled to watch this show.

Together, we can be Heroes, just for one day. (GROAN)

YATTA!

QUICK NOTE: Shout out to CHUD.COM who also wrote something about the decompression and how Heroes is doing currently. I agree with most of it, however I think the writer's take on Lost is the exact opposite of what is actually happening on the show. For while it is a character driven show, it has stalled out as characters are now stuck in a moebius strip of constantly performing the same reactions to every situation (Saayid will torture and/or repair electronics, Locke will speak cryptically, Jack will come up with a horrible plan, Sawyer will be swarthy but have too much heart for a con man, and Hurley will say "dude"). Beyond that, though, the article is pretty good and helped define decompression for me in terms of serial television. So check that shit out, yo!

Carl Weathers Needs Work!

2006-12-03T22:38:00.000-05:00

Remember when Carl Weathers had that stint on Arrested Development as Carl Weathers, Tobias's "acting coach" who was miserly, cheap, and desperately needed money?

Apparently, that wasn't really acting. Behold this Q & A from Ain't It Cool News:

Rumor has it that Mr. T & Ivan Drago are going to be in "Rocky Balboa", is this true or just a rumor???

Sylvester Stallone: Actually Mr. T and Ivan Drago are in a quick montage before the main event in ROCKY BALBOA. It’s only for a second or two, but I appreciate their agreeing to participate. Apollo Creed is not in ROCKY BALBOA because he wanted many thousands of dollars for a two-second piece of he and Rocky boxing. Unfortunately we couldn’t afford it. Then again, what ever happened to loyalty? Apollo Greed?

Damn! Take that, Action Snackson! (I'm not as good at the puns as Sly)

Also, I love that Stallone calls Mr. T by his real name and not Clubber Lang, but Dolph Lundgren will always be Ivan Drago (except to me - who remembers him fondly as He-Man).

Want to Keep Danny DeVito Drunk and on TV?

2006-12-01T16:10:00.000-05:00

Then don't go see his movie, Deck the Halls. Create a horrible shame spiral that results ina boozed up Devito stumbling upon his tiny feet from talk show to talk show, before he inevitably throws up all over Tyra Banks during another one of her "Panty Parties". Instead, I would recommend going out there and supporting a really great movie: Darren Aronofsky's The Fountain.

I know some people will simply look at this movie and think it's just a "space movie". But it's more than that. In fact, the Sci-Fi aspect of this story is only just one small facet in a much larger tale about love, death, life, loss, religion, and science. And it has something for everybody: a little bit of action, a pinch of sci-fi, a dash of art film, and whole heaping helpings of a powerful love story.

Darren Aronofsky has made only two films prior to this, Pi and Requiem for a Dream, which I have both enjoyed. Well, I didn't exactly enjoy Requiem for a Dream -- I can't even watch that movie more than once a year or else I'll end up slitting my wrists. But it is technically proficient, wonderfully acted, and amazingly powerful stuff that is able to stir so many strong emotions while watching it. Hell - Aronofsky is able to get a very good dramatic performance from Marlon Wayans. MARLON "LITTLE MAN" WAYANS, people! You gotta give this man a chance! And Pi was a cool debut that had no budget but was able to be infinitely spooky and create a great icky vibe with some powerful visuals and cool performances.

The Fountain is one of the few movies I've seen in my lifetime (i.e. that were in theaters in my 24 year lifespan) that really has left me mulling over what I've witnessed for weeks after seeing it. I've spent hours going over the entire movie, not just because of its multilayered plot, but also because of the emotional repercussions and moving symbolic imagery Aronofsky uses. There are images, lines, and moments from that movie that continue to come back to me throughout the days after seeing it -- and the impressive thing is that they still pack their emotional punch.

A lot of credit has to go to Hugh Jackman and Rachel Weisz. I always liked Weisz as an actress, and in fact have a bit of a crush on her (she's adorable!), but in this film she is able to run a very wide emotional gauntlet from a strong monarch masking her panic and her love to a weak and infirmed woman who unabashedly bares all of her insecurities and fears. But the surprise is Jackman, who I've never really seen act before. I mean, he put on the stupid wig and awkward American accents in the X-Men movies, and I've seen him in a couple of Romantic Comedies (horrible, horrible, horrible Romantic Comedies...ugh), but he's never really shown much (perhaps he displayed more talent in The Prestige, but I missed that one when it came out). Here though, even more than Weisz, Jackman is called on to display a very wide range of traits and emotions, all while portraying three different versions of essentially the same character. He is able to be brave and cruel and hurt and angry and sad and blissful in the span of a few scenes, and yet does a great job in each capacity. Still though, that Wolverine movie is going to be shit. Mark my words.

And lastly, a huge amount of the feel of this movie is due to Aronofsky's musical collaborator Clint Mansell, who scored both of Aronofsky's previous films. Mansell, working with the Kronos Quartet and Mogwai, creates a stirring score that really conjures up all sorts of meaning and emotional responses, even in its sparing notes and recurring tropes. I've been listening to the score for a few days, and it is a great piece of music that haunts the mind and the heart long after the final note has been played.

So I beg everyone to go see The Fountain. It's really important that when a great, smaller film like this comes out, people rally around it and support and prove to the studios that audiences actually like to think and like when movies are original pieces of art that affect our heads and our hearts. This movie will move you -- most people in the theater, including my girlfriend, was crying at several points throughout its short 96 minute running time. And even if you don't like it, I guarrantee it will provoke some sort of emotional reaction and at least a long debate about what you just saw - which is way more than you could ever expect from Deck the Halls or Santa Clause 3.

I Literally Have No Idea What Any of This Means...

2006-12-01T12:49:00.000-05:00

It's rather famous now, but I thought it'd be worth it to take a good look at Lindsay Lohan's letter of condolence to the family of Robert Altman. And please, if any one out there can tell me what the fuck she is talking about, and also what happened to her, I'd appreciate it. Let's not forget -- there's a younger Lohan out there in desperate need of our help! We let this one fall through the cracks, America; let's not make the same mistake twice!

"I would like to send my condolences out to Catherine Altman, Robert Altmans wife, as well as all of his immediate family, close friends, co-workers, and all of his inner circle.
I feel as if I've just had the wind knocked out of me and my heart aches.
If not only my heart but the heart of Mr. Altman's wife and family and many fellow actors/artists that admire him for his work and love him for making people laugh whenever and however he could...Robert altman made dreams possible for many independent aspiring filmmakers, as well as creating roles for countless actors.
I am lucky enough to of been able to work with Robert Altman amongst the other greats on a film that I can genuinely say created a turning point in my career.
I learned so much from Altman and he was the closest thing to my father and grandfather that I really do believe I've had in several years.
The point is, he made a difference. He left us with a legend that all of us have the ability to do.
So every day when you wake up. Look in the mirror and thank god for every second you have and cherish all moments.
The fighting, the anger, the drama is tedious. Please just take each moment day by day and consider yourself lucky to breathe and feel at all and smile. Be thankful.
Life comes once, doesn't 'keep coming back' and we all take such advantage of what we have. When we shouldn't.....
Make a searching and fearless moral inventory of yourselves' (12st book) -everytime there's a triumph in the world a million souls hafta be trampled on.-altman Its true. But treasure each triumph as they come.
If I can do anything for those who are in a very hard time right now, as I'm one of them with hearing this news, please take advantage of the fact that I'm just a phone call away.
God Bless, peace and love always.
Thank You,
'BE ADEQUITE'
Lindsay Lohan"

Is it possible that maybe...just maybe....Lindsay Lohan is destined to become the next James Joyce and this is her Finnegan's Wake?

OMIGOD - someone has to set this whole thing to music like that "Everybody's Free (to Wear Sunscreen)" song by Baz Luhrman!

Abandon All Hope, Ye Who Enter Here

2006-12-01T10:15:00.000-05:00

Peter Gibbons: So I was sitting in my cubicle today, and I realized, ever since I started working, every single day of my life has been worse than the day before it. So that means that every single day that you see me, that's on the worst day of my life.
Dr. Swanson: What about today? Is today the worst day of your life?
Peter Gibbons: Yeah.
Dr. Swanson: Wow, that's messed up.

-- Office Space

Who designed the office? What sadist, his mind bustling with twisted and subtle forms of degradation and humiliation, created the horrific arrangement within which I now find myself trapped? Like Foucault's Panopticon, the Office exists as a man made torture device in which our physical bodies are confined, but it's truly our spiritual selves which suffer the most.

I worked in another office for a year. Perhaps it was the fact that there was a view (a spectacular view including the Brooklyn Bridge and the South Street Seaport and the not-as hipstery-from-a-distance-Brooklyn), or that there were people who spoke to me there, or that there was work BESIDES data entry for me to do -- whatever the reason, my last office experience did not prepare me for this tenth circle of hell in which I'm temping.

Firstly, the set up: I am in a very narrow strip of hallway in a large office at a rather distinguished university. Behind me are large file cabinets, which are slowly being emptied as the contents are archived. To the left of me is another work station, which currently lies empty as the student worker who uses it is not in today. So far I've met two of the student workers, one of which can't believe that I'm not a student (which I believe speaks more to the lowly nature of my task and less to my youthful appearance. Le sigh.), and the other who refuses to talk to me. To the right of me sits boxes piled high with files that don't seem to have been disturbed for many years, stranded in the Seti Alpha 6 that is my work area. Also of note is that my entire workspace, including my keyboard and monitor, takes up about 3.5' x 2.5'. I'm a large man so basically this whole set up is designed to look like some weird scene in an episode of Mr. Bean.

Oh! I almost forgot. The printer.

The office printer lies directly to my left, establishing my western border to the Pile Mountains eastern bloc. This is where everyone prints their documents, so therefore it provides some possibility for human interaction. Unfortunately, as is often with my life, potential does not translate into reality. People grab their papers without saying so much as a word. Maybe a quick twitter or grunt, or a concerned look as if they are faced with an unruly retarded child who rages about the lack of peanut butter pie in his all Lego diet. They shuffle back to their desks, and I remain faced against my mortal foe: A Giant Excel Spreadsheet. But I like to give these people the benefit of the doubt. I am only temporary. Perhaps they all fell in love with another worker, a darling human being who made great quips, and was always there for a laugh. First one in, last one to leave - this guy was amazing. And then, suddenly, he was gone. Off to go work in another office with some other, luckier people. Such is the life of the Temporary Worker. But what of those people he left behind? Brokenhearted and desperately pining for their missing Temporary Love. And here I come, another temporary worker. Dare they get attached only to feel that harsh burn of separation once more? Can they let themselves get hurt again? Unfortunately, they are afraid to open their hearts up, the pain too fresh, and so they shun me like Michael Richards at a Public Enemy concert (topical!).

Sweet JESUS is data entry boring. I tend to enjoy Zen like monotony; I can wash dishes until my fingers are reduced to bloody stubs scraping food leavins off the plates. I normally don't find anything more relaxing, or helpful with my noisy mind, than mowing the lawn with its endless, repetitive pacing. But data entry is horrible. I look like I've been jerking off for 50 years and am still waiting to cum. My eyes are bloodshot, my face is quite pallid, my brain slow and angry. Remember that (SPOILER ALERT) last scene in Being John Malkovich? When John Cusack's character is stuck in the little girl and is forced to watch his former lovers Lezz out? That's how I feel doing this work. Like there's a tiny me trapped inside, banging his itty bitty head against the walls, trying desperately to break out, or affect some change so this soulcrushing monotony will end.

"Some sources attribute the introduction of the cubicle desk to the computer chip manufacturer Intel Inc. During the 1960s. Its creation is generally attributed to Robert Propst, a designer from Colorado who worked for Herman Miller Inc., a major manufacturer of office furniture. It was based on a 1965 prototype and named the Action Office, made up of modular units with an open plan, an entirely novel system for the time."

Go fuck yourself, Mr. Propst. The cubicle is nothing more than a playpen for the unimaginative. Sure there's no ceiling, and a little open slit of a doorway to make one feel like he could leave at any moment - but you're not going anywhere. You're trapped in there. But at least a cubicle limits the number of people who walk behind you, so you're free to IM, or surf the net, or, say, update your not so popular blog. Here in this little place I like to call Thunder Alley, I'm wide open so I'm constantly looking over my shoulder like Bowie on cocaine - convinced that there are people watching me check my Gmail.

This new job is slowly getting to me. And I know that "what you do" shouldn't equal "who you are". But, to some effect, it does help define you. We spend more time at work than we do with our loved ones, friends, and family. We are surrounded by people with whom we didn't choose to associate, doing something that is usually not what we dream about doing. Oh, there are some of us that have our dream jobs - a few astronauts, a couple of really enthused lawyers, a handful of dedicated Pirate Detectives. But for most of us, what we are doing is either all we could find, simply what pays the bills, a stepping stone to another career, or some other choice that merely satisfies one aspect of our life while flying in defiance of all the others.

And I've done more than my share of menial work. I've worked in kitchens at hospitals and country clubs. I've jockeyed a cash register at convenience stores, cafes, and book stores. I've been customer service. I've been a waiter. I've logged files, inputted information, designed spreadsheets and mailings. I've even been a roofer. But nothing is as altogether depressing and soulnumbing as data entry and officework. The muted tones and subdued colors of the walls and cubicles, the drab tints of folders and other dreary forms of stationary all conspire to slowly drag us into a state devoid of creativity or emotion. The humming, blaring, putrid fluorescent lights beam down on all of us, bathing workers in a horrible glow that reveals every possible imperfection on our faces. There's little talking or social interaction, as walls and offices have been erected to segregate us from each other - lest some seditionary speak begin and talk of revolution could spread amongst us in these bureaucratic bastilles.

Have you ever watched an episode of Survivor? Have you ever noticed how ecstatic those people are at the prospect of eating food? Whenever the host says that the winner of a competition gets a cracker with some cheese whiz, they all become wide eyed and eager, willing to saw off their own limbs just for the possibility to smell some food. Well that attitude is also evident in an office environment. Food becomes the number one reward. Lunch becomes a huge thing as everyone discusses where they wish to go for lunch, what to get, what did you get?, how was the line?, what do I feel like having, etc. etc.. And if there's ever any sweets or little treats brought in for an occasion or even left over from some meeting, then office workers begin to swarm on the plate of free food like those avian assassins attacking the phone booth in The Birds.

And this isn't a new sentiment, this hatred and distrust of offices.

Behold the story of Bartleby!

Herman Melville knew that the office was a horrible place. But he also knew it was a Hell of our own making. It's a place where everyone tacitly (or in terms of OSHA, various laws and contracts, explicitly) agrees to go along with the system. We all dress up in clothes that we hate to do jobs that we don't love in a place that is designed to be efficient and conformist. So when one man decides that he simply doesn't want to do that, he's seen as crazy and weird. Another really great bit about Bartleby's story is that the Boss simply can't fathom that someone wouldn't want to do work. There must be something amiss. There has to be a deeper reason than someone simply not caring to do inane office work. Right?

We all know life's not fair. We all know that we gotta get these jobs done. As horrible as it is, as painful and soulcrushing as all of these jobs are, data needs to be updated. But it doesn't have to be done in such a manner as to actually make it worse. We don't have to surround ourselves in tope and beige, strangle ourselves with ties or suits, bleach out our brains with fluorescent lights, or refuse to interact with each other on a very basic and human level. But no one wants to be the first person to simply say "I would prefer not to."

RANDOM OFFICE FACTS:

The very word stems from the Latin officium (see that article), as its equivalents in various (mainly romance) languages. Interestingly, this was not necessarily a place, but rather an (often mobile) 'bureau' in the sense of a human staff or even the abstract notion of a formal position (such as a magistrature). Rome can be considered the first society which, mainly because of the rule of law, developed a relatively elaborate bureaucracy, which would not be equaled for centuries in the West after the fall of Rome, even partially reverting to illiteracy, while the east preserved a more sophisticated administrative culture, both under Byzantium and under Islam.
Offices in classical antiquity were often part of a palace complex or a large temple. There was usually a room where scrolls were kept and scribes did their work. Ancient texts mentioning the work of scribes allude to the existence of such "offices". These rooms are sometimes called "libraries" by some archaeologists and the general press because one often associates scrolls with literature. In fact they were true offices since the scrolls were meant for record keeping and other management functions such as treaties and edicts, and not for writing or keeping poetry or other works of fiction.
The medieval chancery was usually the place where most government letters were written and were laws were copied in the administration of a kingdom. The rooms of the chancery often had walls full of pigeonholes, constructed to hold rolled up pieces of parchment for safekeeping or ready reference (a precursor to the book shelf). The introduction of printing during the Renaissance did not change these early government offices much.
Pre-industrial illustrations such as paintings or tapestries often show us personalities or eponyms in their private offices, handling record keeping books or writing on scrolls of parchment. All kinds of writings seemed to be mixed in these early forms of offices. Before the invention of the printing press and its distribution there was often a very thin line between a private office and a private library since books were read or written in the same space at the same desk or table, and general accounting and personal or private letters were also done there.

Frisky Dingo Thursdays!

2006-11-30T10:34:00.000-05:00

Hey y'all!

So every Thursday I'm going to put up a new episode of Frisky Dingo thanks to the ingenious and thieving anonymous masses at YouTube.

I would encourage everyone to watch this show on Cartoon Network's Adult Swim. It airs Sunday night, at 12:30 AM (EST). It's only about 15 minutes long, and it's some of the funniest television out there.

(QUICK NOTE: This episode is also available as a free iTunes download. Go here to start downloading this to your computer and/or iPod!)

So I hope you enjoy the first episode, and please be sure to leave comments letting me know what you think:

Part 1

Part 2

Thanks To This, I Think I'll Track God Down, Too.

2006-11-30T10:04:00.000-05:00

So here comes a mixed bag.

On the one hand, the one project I've been screaming over and over again for the past 3 years is finally coming to fruition -- Preacher will be an hourlong show on HBO. This comic series is perfect for this format and for HBO. It's dark and compelling, as there's the through storyline of Jesse Custer tracking down God and finding out how he can be such a horrible sonovabitch. There's also tons of action, blood, and death to keep fans of Deadwood, Rome, and The Sopranos sated. Add into that quirky, quotable, funny, and brilliant characters (like Cassidy, an Irish vampire, and the Saint of Killers) and you have the makings of a huge hit. Preacher is still my favorite comic book series, and everyone should do themselves a favor and go pick up the 9 TPBs that are currently in print and at your local comic shops, book stores, and online retailers. I think Garth Ennis perfectly captures all of America in this work, commenting on our past, present, and future while dealing with sex, drugs, rock n roll, religion, war, capitalism, and Love.

So that's great news, right? Hell, it makes me envious and frustrated that this whole thing is goin ahead and i have nothing to do with it. But then the next bit of news hits:

It's being brought to the screen by Mark Steven Johnson. Mr. Johnson (or Mr. Steven Johnson? whatever) is responsible for the abominable movie adaptations of Daredevil and Ghost Rider. Faak! While I respect Mr. Johnson's apparent love for comics, and he is very well versed in everything he brings to the screen - his abilities as an artist are nonexistent. Not only did he use crap F/X in Daredevil (and appears to be doing that again in the even cheaper looking Ghost Rider), but he also managed to make such a bungled clusterfuck of that entire movie. Now, I don't care if they made the Kingpin black, or that Daredevil killed a dude. Whatever, that's small potatoes - I'm not a purist. But his direction was terrible - with Colin Farrell's Bullseye being an over the top homicidal leprechaun, Affleck being fairly stilted (even for Affleck), and Jennifer Garner not having much to do outside of simply tell the world that she's upset.

I'm sure there are people out there who simply look at the actors' names listed above and believe that it can't be MSJ's (cuz i'm hip with the industry lingo) fault--these aren't the greatest thespians to grace the silver screen. However, MSJ did write the script, a horribly distracting piece of rubbish that subsituted Young Matt Murdock's youthful act of selflessness that left him blind but with enhanced senses with a skateboarding accident. WTF? I feel like this whole thing is gonna end up with me screaming at the TV a lot and eventually tracking down MSJ like the Saint of Killer stalks Jesse, and eventually killing the sumbitch.

Goddammit.

Anyways - here's some links to the story:
From CHUD.com
From The Onion A.V. Club
From Ain't It Cool News

This Post Will Most Likely Become Obsolete in a Few Hours...

2006-11-13T09:51:00.000-05:00

Below is the alleged original trailer for Spiderman 3.

Catch it now before Sony lawyers take down this particular video from YouTube.

Personally, I like this one better. And most of the CGI is rough and in temp phase, but there's a couple of finished shots which I think are rather awesome, including the last segment.

Still, I'm not the biggest fan of Venom, nor of the idea of Sandman killing Uncle Ben, nor of bringing in Gwen Stacy NOW, and I just don't see how this movie can pack all this stuff in without going 6 hours long.

But, oh well...at least Thomas Haden Church is getting work. Plus Bruce Campbell allegedly has a cool cameo in this one. Groovy!

UPDATE: And it turns out, I was right. So they took that video off. For anyone else, if you just want to see an endless loop of the small amount of Venom footage from that trailer go here:
http://img87.imageshack.us/img87/5673/eatparkerzc8.gif

And here's the Trailer - it's gonna keep jumping around, so I'll try and keep updating this site. It's like a wandering keg party, but instead of getting molested by the Captain of the Lacross Team, you get to see Topher Grace act like a badass! (I miss you, Scott -- call me!) :

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=5866757396576992173&q=spiderman+3+trailer&hl=en

Some Quick ReCuts for A Monday Morning

2006-11-13T00:45:00.000-05:00

Hey, y'all!

Well the work week begins anew this morning.

Woo.

Anyways, these both brought a lil smile to my face. The first is a (seemingly obvious) recut of Planes, Trains, & Automobiles into the Brokeback Mountain trailer. Yes, the Brokeback jokes are tired - but what sets this one above is how it does seem effortless and if one scene had just gone in a different direction, then the whole movie could've easily been the gay road trip film we all desperately yearn for.

And the second is a recut of Office Space into a trailer for a thriller. Quite well done! Also, Fox might've actually done some advertising for this flick if it had this formulaic plot. Alas...what could've been....

Tots R Us

2006-11-08T21:02:00.000-05:00

Does anyone remember "Cop Rock"? In 1990, TV wunderkind Steven Bochco (who has made his name with work on "Hill Street Blues", "LA Law", "NYPD Blue" and "Murder One") decided to launch this daring and provocative hybrid showing. Combining the gritty realism and moral quagmire of police work with...broadway showtunes? I guess it's an interesting juxtaposition. Pairing the world where every day could be your last with...broadway showtunes. Anyways, here's the IMDB's summary (and a very praising one at that!):

The 1990s started off with one of the boldest experiments ever attempted in American television # the creation of an hour-long weekly television police drama, done as a musical. Longtime television innovator Steven Bochco, creator of major hits like Hill Street Blues and L.A. Law, took the biggest risk of his career. He brought the musical back to television but this time as a gritty, street-wise cop show called Cop Rock. The songs were written by a stable of songwriters ably led by the Oscar-winning Randy Newman. Half the critics thought it was the worst idea of the century; half thought it was pure genius. The television drama had been moribund for some time and Bochco created something entirely new, powerful, interesting, fresh. Nothing like it had ever been attempted before, and most importantly, it was done well and done seriously. Its detractors claimed it was unrealistic for cops and robbers to break into song, but none of them had complained quite this loudly about the various aliens that had appeared on the airwaves, about shipwrecked movie stars and millionaires, about bionic men and women, or about the rest of the lackluster crap filling the TV schedule. As an example of its audacity, its first episode alone included a rap song delivered by junkies as they're being arrested in a drug raid, a gospel number by a judge and jury convicting a drug dealer, a tender pop ballad by a husband about his much younger wife, and an R&B number by a corrupt lady mayor to the man who's just offered her a bribe. But the most powerful number came at the end of the episode. A young junkie sits on a bus stop bench singing a lullaby to her infant daughter, a haunting Randy Newman song called "Sandman" (later re-used in Newman's Faust). As she finishes the song, a station wagon pulls up, a man gets out and pays her $200 for the baby. As he drives away with the baby, the junkie finishes the lullaby and breaks down in tears as the music quietly ends and the camera pulls away. It was devastating. And it was brilliant drama. Unfortunately, it cost $1.8 million an episode # a record at the time # and its ratings were consistently dismal. ABC tried to get Bochco to drop the musical numbers but he refused, so they canceled the show after four months. Bochco later told Entertainment Weekly that of all his shows, Cop Rock was by far the most fun he had ever had making television. Years later, Cop Rock was partly redeemed as cable channel VH-1 rebroadcast the series and a new generation discovered its quirky brilliance.

So there's that.

I don't remember this ever being on the air, but I first heard about it on one of those VH1's "We're Not Producing Anything New or Interesting in Our Own Times So Instead Let's Look Back with Condescending Fondness and Forced Nostalgia at Decades Gone By" specials. It was also recently mentioned here.

And now, the greatest scene to ever be performed on television in recorded history. How this escaped the Emmy consideration AND Billboard's Hot 100 is beyond me. Come on, hipsters, let's bring this gem back! This scene revolves around two undercover cops who are pretending to buy a baby from the self-proclaimed "Baby Merchant". Enjoy!

READER POLL!

2006-11-08T16:05:00.000-05:00

Rumsfeld resigned today. With what medal will Bush award him?

a) Medal of Freedom
b) Medal of Awesome-ness
c) Medal of Old Timey Sayings in a Time that Necessitates more than just Old Fashioned Gibberish
d) Medal of Sexy Time
e) Medal of Blood Savagery and Heartlessness (aka The Chuck Norris Medal)
f) Write In Vote:_________________

Some Distractions from the Impending Apocalypse

2006-11-08T04:31:00.000-05:00

Stuff y'all should be checking out:

Put This in your Earhole:

Bonnie "Prince" Billy, "The Letting Go"
The Decemberists, "The Crane Wife"
This Will Destroy You, "Young Mountain EP"
The Russian Futurists, "Let's Get Ready to Crumble"
Daniel Tosh, "True Stories That I Made Up"
Demetri Martin, "These Are Jokes"
Spoon, "Gimme Fiction"
Belle & Sebastian, "The Boy With the Arab Strap"

Tune In, Turn On, And Drop Out:

"Heroes"
Okay - yes, the dialogue is poorly written. And the series suffers from "Lost"-itis where people have to act a certain way (in Lost it's incompetent, in Heroes it's endlessly incredulous) in order to advance the intrigue and plot. And there needs to be more characters acting as the audience (which doesn't necessarily mean incredulous). And also more levity. The japanese guy can't do it all on his own. Still, glad they finally found a vehicle for Ali Larter and Adrian Pasdar. But seriously, let's fine-tune it, people. Bryan Fuller, who created/wrote "Wonderfalls" and "Dead Like Me", works on this (specifically the Cheerleader stories, which are the best written ones), so they are plenty capable of bringing the writing up a notch.
"Frisky Dingo"
By the creators of "Sealab 2021" comes this new toon for Adult Swim. It's so friggin funny. A serialized story about a millionaire playboy who moonlights as superhero, Awesome X, trying to start a toy line based on his hero persona and the villain who wishes to be his archnemesis (named Killface). It's filled with the patented awkward silences and weird ab-libbing and sexual references to fill me with hours of delight, despite its 15 minute run time. Check this shit out! Ya heard!
"Scrubs"
Now this show isn't on...yet. It will be returning to new episodes shortly on NBC, directly after "The Office" on Thursdays at 9pm. Braff has to star in a dozen other movies playing an existential twentysomething with a penchant for emo-indie bands, he'll be leaving this show after this season. So this is probably the end of "Scrubs". So i implore all of you - watch this show! Fuck "Grey's Anatomy"! It's just Scrubs minus the comedy and originality! And yes, Katherine Hegl is hot, but she lacks the quiet, unassuming beauty of Sarah Chalke. And yes, Patrick Dempsey is hot. But what about the sheer hotness and insanity of John C. McGinley? He was in Office Space. You liked Office Space! Watch the reruns on Comedy Central, buy the DVD, and check out this show when it returns in a few weeks.
"Veronica Mars"
She's spunky, she's sassy, she's smart, and she kind of looks like a fetus. Veronica Mars is a highly likeable show. It's charming, really. And while there are some changes I don't like (More Dick Casablancas! Why'd they kill off you-know-who in the season premiere? And what's up with the downer remix of "We Used To Be Friends"?), this show still remains very interesting and incredibly watchable. Plus it's nice to see the professor from "Saved by the Bell: The College Years" getting work...as a professor. Also, Laura San Giacomo is really cute and appealing. She and Enrico Whateveraloni have both shaken off the stench from "Just Shoot Me" quite nicely.
"The Venture Brothers"
Yes, the second season just ended (with a helluva season finale! more Bowie!). But Adult Swim is still airing the second season episodes on Sunday. Also Season 1 is available on DVD and all of Season 2 is available on iTunes for just $1.99 per episode. This show is the best comedy on television now. Weird references, hilarious characterization, and just a great send up of so many geeky genres. I'm a Blacula hunter!
"Real World/Road Rules Challenge: The Duel"
I don't think anyone or anything can ever fill the void created by The Miz's departure from these Challenges. But in his absence, this version of the Challenge has so far been the most appealing. Sure, it still raises my dander to see these people turn this pathetic death grip on relevance and fame into a career...and even worse, a life. But ya gotta love the clashing of personalities, the cool challenges, and the always entertaining, always blazed TJ Lavin. My personal faves for this season are: GUYS - Derrick and Eric (i like the fat guy, sue me); GIRLS - Diem and Jodi (yes, she's the emotional town bike, but god bless her nonetheless).

Moving Pictures:

Save the Green Planet
This movie is really weird and wholly original. It's a movie about a disturbed person, an alien conspiracy, a botched kidnapping, and all sorts of horrible acts. But it's also really funny, truly visually interesting and original, and definitely worth checking out.
Borat
"I'm from Kazakh...we follow the Hawk." Everyone who is reading this has probably already seen this movie, or at least intends to see it. But I gotta say - this movie is equally hilarious and frightening. Sure, it's great when Borat finally tracks down his lady love, but it's also very chilling when the cowboy is instructing Borat how to pass as an "eye-talian" in America.
Slither
"I'm Bill Pardy." Fun, hilarious, creepy, gorefest. Sure it's derivative of Night of the Creeps (Why the hell is that not on DVD yet? Or Monster Squad?) but it's still a lot of fun and filled with plenty of great jokes and even cooler gorey scenes that'll have you making a yuck face all night long. Plus Nathan Fillion! Give this man a job! (PROGRAMMING NOTE: Nathan Fillion will be on the last "Lost" of 2006! Watch this episode and help Nathan not have to do drek like White Noise 2: The Search for More Money)
Wild Zero
Japanese Rockabilly Band versus Alien Made Zombies. 'Nuff Said.
The Great Yokai War
Takashi Miike's kids' movie. Yes, the man who brought you death by drowning in a kiddie pool full of excrement has made a fantasy film for children. This is the type of kids' fare that most of us had growing up - dark, twisted, surreal, and fucked up. Since time has progressed and we've tried to shelter our kids more and more, there's been less of this form of truly terrifying children's movies. Miike comes along with a great epic tale of a child leading an army of yokai (spirits/daemons) against a giant machine monster, an Evil Warlord, and Go-Go Yubari.
Wolf Creek
I watched this recently with a bunch of people. There's a scene where a girl keeps crying loudly, and my fellow viewers, concerned that the evil sadist will find her, kept screaming at the TV, "Shhh! Shut up!" Personally, I think that proves this movie is plenty effective. While its allegation that it's "based on a true story" is a little flimsy, it's still a very entertaining and stark horror film. Now they need to hurry up and make the sequel in which the Bad Guy takes on his dreaded archnemesis...Kangaroo Jack! (screw you, Anthony Anderson!)

Reading is Fundamentalist:

Anansi Boys by Neil Gaiman

Gaiman has written another novel dealing with ancient myths in a modern world. This time updating his Anansi character from American Gods. The novel is awfully funny, full of hilarious moments, and really creates some very cool imagery as one of the titular Anansi Boys has to go to the caves at the end (or is it the beginning?) of the world. A quick read with interesting characters, hilarious events, and a fast moving plot. Highly recommended.
The Pirates! in an Adventure with Ahab by Gideon Defoe

Yes, I know that pirates have become a go-to part of the comedy and pop culture in recent years. Along with other signs of arrested development/nerdy nostalgia such as ninjas, robots, superheroes, etc. But Defoe's work is really quite an entertaining farce. Creating a bumbling crew of pirates without any names (only identified as "pirate in red", "the albino pirate", and "the pirate with rickets", etc) that seem more at home on a BBC sitcom than on the high seas, Defoe has created a hilarious series of adventures with endless comic potential. I could easily see all of these books being turned into movies by the likes of Michel Gondry, Spike Jonze, or Garth Jennings (The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy).
The Exterminators by Simon Oliver and Tony Moore (comic)

Oliver's script is a brilliant look at a twisted society through the eyes of an ex-con exterminator. Full of weird bugs, weirder bugmen, and a bunch of odd imagery, cults, and fringe characters - this series is a great mystery, a huge thrilling ride, and a fascinating read. Also, Moore's artwork is really cool and does a great job showcasing all of the dirt and grime, which continues the theme of everything being dirty and tainted in some way.
Astonishing X-Men by Joss Whedon and John Cassaday (comic)

Glayven. Yes, I'm a giant fan of everything Whedon does. Well, maybe not so much Alien: Resurrection, but perhaps that's just the exception that proves the rule. (Really, even that movie isn't so bad until the whole Alien/Human Hybrid Dog thing comes along. Yeeeeesh) But even with that aside, this is really one of the best runs on X-Men since the Claremont/Byrne period. Kitty Pryde is kicking ass, Wolverine is making me laugh, and Emma Frost is dealing out sass! I should work for NY Daily News. Also, anything Whedon can do to stop making Cyclops seem like the ultimate Pussy is a huge step in my book.
Special Topics in Calamity Physics by Marisha Pessl

This book is a little too smart for its own good. Rife with literary allusions (and footnotes and bibliographical references), this novel is a story of a girl who travels throughout the US with her professor father. The meat of the story is her senior year in high school, the group of friends she encounters, and a murder mystery. It's actually a very interesting tale of growing up, of recognizing our parents for who and what they are, and of trying to find one's own voice despite all the many influences that infilitrate our tongues.

It's a Series of Tubes!:

Crosswords!
Crosswords, Crosswords, Crosswords. I've become addicted to www.bestcrosswords.com. Sure, if you do a bunch of them you'll notice a repetition in phrases and clues. But so what? It's a fun distraction that helps you excel at crosswords in general. Plus it has a great program interface that lets you know when you're off on the wrong foot. Q'aplar!
BBC in the US!
Mitchell & Webb, the hilarious duo behind "Peep Show", have had a bunch of sketch comedy show over the years. The Newest One ("That Mitchell & Webb Look") is currently airing on BBC, but here are some sketches to enjoy including: Angel Summoner & BMX Bandit, NumberWang, And Inviting The Scooby Doo Gang.
Go Team Venture!
The Mantis Eye Experiment is a great site for checking out some info about the Venture Bros. It has all of the allusions and references, a synopsis, and even some nifty screen captures. Have a question about VB? Then head on over to this site.
300 Trailer!
Does Dining in Hell just mean going to the Olive Garden? Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck. Seriously though, this movie looks like it's gonna kick a lot of arse. I hope it has substance along with (an obvious amount of) style, unlike the other all green screen project - Sin City. Still, anything with a guy who has blades for arms, a monkey mask, and what appears to be some sort of Albino Giant has gots to be great! Also, I hope this trailer is a collection of all the times they say "Sparta" and not just indicative of how often people will be screaming that word in this movie.
David Bowie!
"Hello, I'm David Bowie." Friggin brilliant! Can't wait for the second season of "Extras" to air on HBO. Also, I really like the idea of a piano being an arm's length away from Bowie at any given time.
Country Catfight!
Apparently Living Like You Were Dying means being pissed that an "American Idol" chick beat you at the CMAs. While I'm glad this clip exists, it means someone had to watch the CMAs to notice it. Who the fuck watches the CMAs?
Just in Time for Halloween! Oh Wait...Dammit!
Hilarious. Sure, it's no longer topical, but it's still funny.

Bush's Brain at it Again!

2006-11-07T17:58:00.000-05:00

Forget about the Kerry misdirection.

Forget about the sudden sentencing of Saddam Hussein to death.

There is a new and even more insidious conspiracy afoot this Election Day.

Yes, I'm talking about the Britney Spears/K-Fed divorce. Firstly, Bravo to Karl Rove! The man is more Emperor Palpatine than Palpatine himself was in the prequels! And without needless second banana bad guys (Dooku is scary WHY?). Unless you count the president himself. Hi-Yo! But seriously, hats off to Bush's Brain for engineering and rigging the release of this information. Sure, Britney's been dying to throw the cheetos encrusted freeloader out of her house for months now. But, as she famously says in Fahrenheit 9/11, you have to stand behind the president. And when the President asks that you announce your divorce on the day that his party stands to get coldcoked, dammit, you accept those charges!

Personally though, I really hope this divorce was just accumulation of intense heated political debate between the two lovetards.

Imagine if you will, they're sitting in front of their two big screens. BET is on one, MSNBC is on the other. K-Fed is relaxing on (Britney's) couch when the starlet walks in, noticing that K-Fed is looking rather encouraged at the prospect of a Speaker Nancy Pelosi.

(FADE IN)

Britney: "Baby, I can't believe you're leaning towards the Democratic party now! You just know that they're weak willed approach to politics and debate will end up transfering into our ongoing war of terror, thereby revealing us to be a country divided, soft on our enemies, and open for another attack, y'all!"

K-Fed: "Yo, yo, yo...Britney, hold up. Hold up. You hearing what you sayin? Damn, girl! You've been given too much of your time to the Republican Propaganda Juggernaut. You think Kerry makin' a lame joke at a college undermines the troops? Really? Damn, yo! That shit is whack! It be Rumsfeld who's undermining the troops! How about a man that didn't properly arm the troops goin in, let alone provide enough troops there in the first place! Meanwhile, Bush and all them Pavarottis be standing behind Rumsfeld, acting like he's still the shit. Nah, Brit. NAH."

Britney: "Fine, let's table the Iraq issue for a second. Okay, baby?"

K-Fed: "I don't see how you can table an issue that involves American lives being lost, an increase in terror sympathy, and also furthering the instability of an entire region. But, you gave me that new Prius, so I'm gonna listen."

Britney: "Thanks, pookums. Now, moving away from the international scene to a more, y'know, domestic situation - Bush's tax cuts have lessened the deficit and totally freed up money for burgeoning small businesses! It's allowed capital to be fed back into the national economy! Now I, fer one, don't think that's a bad thing. How can y'all be against a man who's helping out small businesses?"

K-Fed: "Again, Brit - I think you're falling prey to the conservative talking points. Yeah, sure the deficit has gone done a little - meanwhile we're in huge amounts of national debt to other countries, and our own national credit card debt is through the roof!"

Britney: "Maybe that's cuz you keep putting all those drinks and dances down at the Pussycat Lounge on our AmEx."

K-Fed: "Baby, don't be petty. We're talkin bout national problems, aiight?"

Britney: "I guess I just don't know you anymore."

K-Fed: "I think ever since I became an international rappin' superstar I've changed. And not just cuz of all the fans--"

(Britney laughs)

K-Fed: "ANYWAY, not just cuz of all the fans, but it's also given me a more worldly perspective on things. We can't be all pent up in our own lil worlds, we gotta consider what's goin on at home and abroad."

Britney: "Speaking of abroad, someone named Mindy called and said the tests came back positive."

K-FED: "Aw, hell no!"

(FADE OUT)

Obviously this is a pure fantasy, if only because Britney would never be able to make a pun out of the word "abroad".

GOD BLESS AMERICA!

Behold the Rumbling of a Sleeping Giant...

2006-10-02T15:43:00.000-05:00

"I'll come back as soon as I can with as much as I can. In the meantime, you've got to hold."

General MacArthur - Speaking to General Wainwright - March 1942

be seeing you...

You're Invading MySpace! Nyuk, Nyuk, nyuk...sigh.

2006-05-28T15:56:00.000-05:00

Here's what I recently found posted on my bulletin board at MySpace, perhaps some of you have seen this:

Don't stop reading this or something VERY BAD will happen to you in exactly 5 hours and 22 minutes. This is extremely freaky. Be careful what you open.

During a thunderstorm ...
Beth: Hey Ben! Sup?
Ben: Uhhh ... nothing much about to go to a party ... haha you?
Beth: Haha nice ... uhhh just staying in for the night.
Ben: I have this huge favor to ask you ...
Beth: Yeah ... what?
Ben: Can you please come over and watch my brother for me? I won't be able to go if no one watches him.
Beth: Ughh ... well ....
Ben: Please Beth!
Beth: *Sighs* Alright. I'll be over in a few minutes.

A few minutes later, Beth arrives at Ben's house.

Ben: Hey, thanks so much!
beth: Hehe. No problem. By the way, you look really nice.
Ben: Thanks! Anyways, here's my number. Call me in about an hour and tell me how everything is, okay?
Beth: Alright, bye!

Then Ben left. Beth headed over to Ben's younger brother.

Beth: Hey sport!
John: Hi Beth ... I'm really scared ...
Beth: Awww ... don't be. I'm here. Lets turn on some T.V.

As Beth walked over to the T.V. , the lights suddenly went out. John freaked out and screamed!

Beth: John, it's okay. I have a flashlight. Hold on, one second. Darn it! The flashlight doesn't work! Uhmmm ... okay, okay, lets go up to your brother's room. I think he has an extra one.

John: *mumbles* okay.

As Beth and John headed up towards Ben's room, they heard a creepy laughter that brought chills up their spines.

John: *screams* What was that?!

Beth: John stop doing that. Let me call your brother and ask where the flashlight is.
John: But I didn't ... *Johns voice started to fade away ...*
Beth: Hey Ben! How's the party?
ben: Good, thanks! Listen I got to go. Can I call you in 5 minutes?
Beth: Sure. But where's the flashlight in your room?
Ben: Oh, uhmmm ... it's under my bed, to the left. I think.

Beth walks over to Ben's bed and screams.

Beth: Oh my God!
ben: What happened?!
beth: Oh, hahah. Nothing, I didn't know you had a clown statue in your bedroom. It scared me half to death Especially the bloody knife on its hand. It looks so real! Where did you get it? Did you get it at the Halloween store?
Ben: Beth ... I don't have a clown statue in my bedroom.

The line quickly goes dead. Ben started panicing and raced home as fast as he can. When he got home, he ran into his bedroom, where Beth and Ben were no where to be seen. He saw his brother lying on his bed.

Ben: *rolls his eyes and said to himself* I can't believe Beth would play such an awful trick on me.

He went and sat down at his computer and pulled up myspace. He went into his myspace account and checked his bulletins. I noticed that he had a random new friend. The profile picture was a freaky clown face. That made him freak out a bit. Then he saw that the mysterious clown friend had posted a bulletin called "Clowning Around". Ben opened the bulletin and started to read it. This was the same bulletin that he saw last night! He got freaked out and didn't repost it. Trembling, he got in his bed, next to his brother and kissed his cheek good night.

Ben: You can sleep here with me tonight, Sport. Good night.

Suddenly, the figure in the bed turned to ben.

Clown: Now its your turn.

Ben let out a high pitch screamed and the clown killed him. After the job was done, the clown threw Ben under the bed along with Beth and John.

If you don't repost this in the next 10 minutes, the clown will appear by your bed tonight, while you're sleeping and the same ending will happen to you. When you repost this name it your schools name followed by 'hoe list'. This isn't a joke

Things I like about this (think of these as "study questions"), besides the fact that it finally revives the age old tradition of psychopathic clowns:
a) the writer makes a point of saying that Ben's scream is high-pitched. it's not enough that his brother and "friend" are dead, but he also screams like a girl.

2) What IS the nature of ben & beth's relationship? I mean, obviously they are very close, and perhaps we can infer some sort of physical intimacy. After all, Beth HAS spent some time in ben's bedroom before, and clearly with the lights out (why else would she know where the flashlight is?). But on the other hand, clearly Ben is kind of a douche. He goes to a party without his "Friend" and dumps his kid brother on her? That's a dick move, Benjamin. Not cool. You've changed, man. You've changed.

iii) No one knows how to spell "panicking". Also, whatever happened to tenses, people? You want me to be scared, but right now all that's frightening me is that all of a sudden "he" becomes "i" halfway through a paragraph. Terrifying.

Fourthly) Why does this appear on myspace, incorporate myspace INTO its urban legend, and yet, clearly does not know how myspace works? How does he "suddenly have a new friend"? There's a qualifying procedure, a screening process if you will, that wouldn't allow such a random and sudden addition to his friends. This blatant disregard of MySpace protocol is just wrong and libelous.

e) So...the clown's his brother? Cuz the post says "He saw his brother lying on his bed", but then a few moments later:

Trembling, he got in his bed, next to his brother and kissed his cheek good night.

Ben: You can sleep here with me tonight, Sport. Good night.

Suddenly, the figure in the bed turned to ben.

Clown: Now its your turn.

The figure in the bed becomes the clown? That's just sloppy writing. That's like Scream 3 sloppy. Here's my take: The Clown and Ben's brother (hereafter referred to as Lil Bro) are the same person, but from different dimensions. The Clown is from Earth-C, a world where all people look like clowns. But a horrible electromagnetic pulse hits Earth-C, and all life was wiped out in this dimension's planet. However, at that time the EMP hit, Clown Bro was on his computer, posting something on MySpace. Due to the intricacies of physics...and string theory...and all that stuff....ahem....the Clown Bro found himself in OUR world, but he had to share the same body as Lil Bro. However, only one personality can be dominant at one time. Angered at the destruction of his own world, and the indignities of being trapped inside a little boy's body, Clown Bro has become warped, and decides to lash out at this UnClown world. Hence, one moment he's Lil Bro and then (when Lil Bro) vanishes, he appears as his Clown self. But then who else is underneath the bed with Beth and Ben? Bum Bum Bummmmm....

I should totally write for "Lost".

So in conclusion, if I am found slain by a homicidal clown this evening, please note that it was down by a confused clown boy from an alternate dimension, who is as scared of us and our nonclown world as we are of him and his killing abilities. Also, I guess the moral of the story is that MySpace should really only be used to hook up with underaged sluts.

Your friend in Christ,

Dean

I wrote this song . . . .

2006-03-31T10:38:00.000-05:00

Ok people, tell me the truth. I can take it. Is there something about me that attracts strange people? When I say strange I mean eccentric, quite possibly crazy but almost never harmful people. I often find that people fitting this description seek me out, even single me out in a crowd, and usually not to ask for money, if that’s what you’re thinking. That would be too easy to deal with. No, these people want to talk; they want my company.

Example: I was at the Laundromat three weeks ago with my lady friend doing, you guessed it, my laundry. To be fair, this is not the nicest Laundromat. It is oftentimes filled with a whole assortment of characters noisily going about their business. Once a junky fell off his bike in the doorway of the Laundromat and we had to basically carry him to a seat. He was not in good shape. So anyway, about three weeks ago we’re there doing our laundry. Our cloths had about 15 minutes left to go in the dryer and we’re watching Seinfeld on the Laudromat TV when this guy walks in. A heavyset black man with a short white beard, probably somewhere in his fifties. He’s already talking as he’s walking in the door, talking in a hoarse voice somewhere between having a sore throat and a tracheotomy. “Time to go to work, yes time to go to work ha ha ha. But first got to watch Family Feud. Yes, FAMILY FEUD!!!” Now, he’s getting pretty excited as he walks the floor talking to himself. But you see, he doesn’t want to be talking to himself, he wants to be talking to someone, but no one is listening. Then he moseys over to me, granted I was near the TV but so were a bunch of other people, and he starts talking to me. Apparently the channel that plays Family Feud doesn’t come in very well so he wants me to tell him the Family Feud players’ responses, which doesn’t really make sense but OK, I’ll do my best. He changes the channel (bye bye, Seinfeld) and turns on Family Feud. It immediately becomes clear why he needs me to tell him people’s responses: despite this being his favorite show (no kidding, he confirmed it) he has a lot of trouble paying attention to it. Instead, he launches into a sort of stream of consciousness narrative. First he’s talking about the current host (the guy from Home Improvement), then he starts talking about the old host, Richard Dawson, who he says used to kiss everybody but fell out of his favor after appearing as the villain in Running Man, which gets him talking about Arnold Schwarzenegger and his film career, which then reminds him of the movie Predator, starring both Arnold and future Governor Jesse Ventura. Then he starts talking about how Arnold starred in all those Rambo movies, which he seemed to like. Normally, I would let this mistake fly, but for whatever reason I correct him and tell him that Stallone actually starred in the Rambo movies. Good thing I did to, because the motherfucker was testing me, or at least that’s what he said, making sure I was paying attention. Keep in mind that by now, I am folding my newly dried cloths and that, throughout his rant, the man will suddenly stop and ask me something about the Family Feud show that is playing in the background. “What’s the question? What room you clean up when company is coming over? The attic! Ha ha ha, that’s a good answer, a #1 answer, ha ha ha!” Oh, did I mention that his guy sucks at Family Feud? Atrocious, just atrocious.

Fortunately, our laundry dry and folded, we get to escape this scene before the end of the show. The man seems disappointed, but he handles it gracefully. A few weeks go by and we’re at the Laundromat again. This time we are almost done folding our cloths when the same man comes in talking to himself again. He’s walking around, talking about Family Feud, getting himself pumped up and ready, when he spots me and comes over to talk. He then launches into the EXACT same rant about Richard Dawson and Running Man and Schwarzenegger movies, it’s actually kind of amazing. Luckily we were able to escape before I could find out whether our entire previous interaction would be repeated word for word.

So, back to my original question, is there something unique about me that makes we attractive to these types of people? Hell, even the aforementioned junky started following me around after regaining his footing, telling me a convoluted story about how he had been jumped by some kids but he wasn’t worried because God would punish them and reward him. Now, I wasn’t the only person in the Laundromat; I wasn’t even the only person that helped him when he fell, and yet I am the person that is subjected to his harmless yet annoying ranting. Does this happen to anyone else with great frequency? Perhaps I’m not as unique as I seem to think. . .

On another note, this was making me giggle at work. Enjoy!

Controversial Christian Faction
Believes Jesus Was Nailed To
Two Parallel Pieces Of Wood

My Mutant Ability? To Cry Like a Little Girl.

2006-03-06T23:00:00.000-05:00

It Has Come.

Now go watch it. Go on. I'll wait.

...

Oh, Futurama. You so funny. "He's really showing us what a man with a cannon in his chest can do." Anywhoski - All set?

So there ya go. Another X-Men: The Last Stand trailer.

Firstly, this isn't the final trailer. There will be one more airing in theaters at some point - possibly in front of V for Vendetta, or so I've heard.

Secondly, it looks horrible. Yes, the part where Colossus and Wolverine and all the others take on the Brotherhood looks like it could be badass. And I do think the race between Juggernaut and Shadowcat could be really cool.

But everything else looks, well, pretty much like crap. Another bad weather joke ("You of all people know how quickly the weather can change"), so more spotty casting (lookin at you, Ben Foster), Wolverine's still a rugged individual, and again a mutant is being used to wipe out the other mutants. Ya-awn.

Oh, and one thing I'm not really happy about is a little bit of a spoiler. Highlight the following text if interested: So, according to a bunch of internet reports and a hint in the trailer, it appears that Cyclops is killed (he's lying down on the beach when Storm & Wolverine come looking for Jean Gray/Phoenix). That's what we in the biz call "weak sauce". Cyclops isn't dynamic or that intriguing, but he's the strong, dependable, reliable, altruistic leader type that stoically and bravely leads his troops into battle. If you're goin to have a final showdown, he has to be there, acting as the muscle of Xavier's dream against Magneto's mindless hate. I know James Marsden isn't the best actor, but Come On! If you're going to bury the franchise, at least give their fearless leader some respect.

Anyways, the point is this movie is going to continue to break my little nerd heart. How can you choose a person to direct this movie that says he would be on Magneto's side? Ugh.

Come on, V for Vendetta. My nerdly nation turns its lonely eyes to you.

Dr. Greenspan or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Free Market

2006-03-05T16:13:00.000-05:00

So one annoying thing about no longer filling my lungs with carcinogens and various chemicals is that waking up with a sore throat is cause for concern. For the last eight years all it meant was I had a great time last night (or that I was in a socially awkward situation were I used smoking as a crutch). Even if I was actually sick, the mind set was "Well, too many cigarettes... I just won't smoke (or not as much) for a couple days and that ought to take care of it", now its just flat out frustrating I wake up thinking "What...what the...if I wanted to feel like this I should've just choked down a pack of unfiltered Lucky Strikes". I end up with nothing to blame my shitty health for other than my immune system.... and honestly there's just something more disconcerting about that.
The two agents of sickness are very different microbes; viruses and bacteria. Viruses are non-living pieces of nucleic acid (the building blocks of life DNA and RNA) wrapped in a thin coat of protein. Bacteria are living organisms that exist everywhere; land, water, plants, animals. Bacteria have even changed our perceptions of the limitations of living organisms (bacteria have been found living at pressures and in temperatures which scientists previous believed could not sustain life. The friggin buggers have even been found surviving in nuclear reactors). There are millions of bacteria in your body right now helping you maintain homeostasis, but there are also bacteria which will make you sick.
Luckily viruses can be eliminated using vaccines and bacteria can be fought off using antibiotics. In fact in 1952 we had gotten so good at fighting off bacteria, through the seemingly limitless power of penicillin, the U.S. Surgeon General, William Stewart declared, "The time has come to close the book on infectious diseases. We have basically wiped out infection in the United States." Somehow though microbes are still the number 3 killer in the Western World. How'd that happen? Well a simple answer might be that greedy fuckheads run pharmaceutical companies among other important industries, but I'll try and elaborate a little.
First of all, 70 percent of all antibiotics used in the West are given to animals (one big reason is to increase growth). We essentially allow bacteria to fight our antibiotics in animals and evolve outside human bodies. By the time they get to us we have no weapons to fight them and I mean it's not like we're making any new antibiotics either.
In fact, we haven't made a new antibiotic since the 1970s. Why????? Well I'd say one reason is that creating/selling dick enlargement, anti-depressant, ADD, and old man prick pills that people take on a regular basis, rather than some stupid antibiotics that make you feel better after a couple weeks, is a more intriguing proposition to most businessmen.
Well who needs antibiotics anyway. Research has only shown that bacteria has a hand in certain types of heart disease, asthma, mental disorders, and several cancers.
See neo-liberalism is just as natural as survival of the fittest...in fact it seems to be helping that particular process along.

This rant encouraged and enlightened by Bill Bryson's A Short History of Nearly Everything

Other posts by DJ Browneye and the Weak Sauce:
That First One...You Remember the Long Boring One
Video Games and Sports....You Know for the Ladies

Unlicensed to Kill (Unfortunately)

2006-03-03T14:34:00.000-05:00

So I hear there's a new (and supposedly different and interesting) Bond Girl. This shows me how behind I was - I didn't know there was a new Bond. The Blond Bond apparently is how he's being distinguished for now. Ho hum.

I have to say, I'm not a huge fan of the Bond franchise. I think it's got potential, but it seemed dated to me from the word go (granted I was nowhere near a glint in my father's eye when Dr. No hit the theaters). Really, are any of the films decent action flicks on their own merit?

That said - I've seen a worrying amount of them. I thought Brosnan was the classiest by far, though his scripts didn't even have the advantage of being ludicrously bad. They were just boring.

After him, though, what I really wanted to see was Rupert Everett take the role. He's a charasmatic performer and can be just as rugged as Brosnan when he chooses. But the important thing, of course, would be how delightfully uncomfortable it would make the hardcore fanbase.

"But... 007's not gay! "

"No the character isn't... Just the actor portraying him."

"But... splutter... fume..."

I mean this is the franchise over which everyone went apeshit when Bond drove a German car!

Of course, if Bond did become gay, that'd be even more interesting. The downside of course, would be all the cringe-inducing Bond Boy names they'd come up with.

And now for something completely different...

Another rushd, blog I'm afraid. But I'd like to finish it by proving that I do really take the time to read what's posted here. Back in the day, our Monkey Overlord posted a few amusing church signs. Here is mine:

Can I just say "I'm Flattered...but Not Interested"?

2006-03-02T11:13:00.000-05:00

Yessir - we've got a fan! Sweet graphic too. Check it out, here.

Oh, and I don't think it'd be as easy a fight as all that.

And now the moment you've all been waiting for. . . .

2006-02-27T02:40:00.000-05:00

Now that we’ve added up our scores, here’s what they supposedly mean about our personalities:

OVER 60 POINTS: Others see you as someone they should "handle with care." You're seen as vain, self-centered, and extremely dominant. Others may admire you, wishing they could be more like you, but don't always trust you, hesitating to become too deeply involved with you.  

51 TO 60 POINTS: Others see you as an exciting, highly volatile, rather impulsive personality; a natural leader, who's quick to make decisions, though not always the right ones. They see you as bold and adventuresome, someone who will try anything once; someone who take chances and enjoys an adventure. They enjoy being in your company because of the excitement you radiate.  

41 TO 50 POINTS: Others see you as fresh, lively, charming, amusing, practical, and always interesting; someone who's constantly in the centre of attention, but sufficiently well-balanced not to let it go to their head. They also see you as kind, considerate, and understanding, someone who'll always cheer them up and help them out.  

31 TO 40 POINTS: Others see you as sensible, cautious, careful & practical. They see you as clever, gifted, or talented, but modest. Not a person who makes friends too quickly or easily, but someone who's extremely loyal to friends you do make and who expect the same loyalty in return. Those who really get to know you realize it takes a lot to shake your trust in your friends, but equally that it takes you a long time to get over it if that trust is ever broken.  

21 TO 30 POINTS: Your friends see you as painstaking and fussy. They see you as very cautious, extremely careful, a slow and steady plodder. It would really surprise them if you ever did something impulsively or on the spur of the moment, expecting you to examine everything carefully from every angle and then, usually decide against it. They think this reaction is caused partly by your careful nature.  

UNDER 21 POINTS: People think you are shy, nervous, and indecisive, someone who needs looking after, who always wants someone else to make the decisions & who doesn't want to get involved with anyone or anything! They see you as a worrier who always sees problems that don't exist. Some people think you're boring. Only those who know you well know that you aren't.

The person who sent this to me had this to say about it: “This is a real test given by the Human Relations Dept. at many of the major corporations today. It helps them get better insight concerning their employees and prospective employees.” I’m not so sure I actually believe that. Furthermore, I don’t think I would have a lot of respect for my organization (or a company I have applying to work for) if they gave me this quiz in hopes of learning more about me.

That being said, I should note that I got a 44, which both implies that Mr. Monkey and I are the same person (who knew?) and inflates my ego just a little bit. Of course, the accuracy of this test should be brought into question. Drizzle, while I do find you to be exciting, bold, and highly volatile, I just don’t think you’re the natural leader your score suggests you are. No offense.

Also, I’m sure everyone will be interested to know that Oprah got a 38 and Dr. Phil a 55 on this quiz. That’s right, this is a Dr. Phil quiz! Deal with it. . . .

Spiderman 3: Black Like Me

2006-02-24T16:56:00.000-05:00

This is the new, Sony approved Spiderman 3 pic - and no, that's not a Black and White photo. Spidey is in a black costume. Which means that the possibility of Venom is getting even closer. Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyy? Oh well, Topher Grace needs the work, I guess.

DO MY STUPID QUIZ!!!! I DARE YOU!!!!! BWAHAHAAHAHA

2006-02-23T20:40:00.000-05:00

Write down your answers on a piece of paper and then add up your score at the end. Post your score as a comment and then I will tell you what kind of person you are. Don't you want Lyrix to tell you what kind of person you are? Yes you do, yes you do! Good boy/girl!

1. When do you feel your best?

a) in the morning

b) during the afternoon and early evening

c) late at night

2. You usually walk...

a) fairly fast, with long steps

b) fairly fast, with little steps

c) less fast head up, looking the world in the face

d) less fast, head down

e) very slowly

3. When talking to people you...

a) stand with your arms folded

b) have your hands clasped

c) have one or both your hands on your hips

d) touch or push the person to whom you are talking

e) play with your ear, touch your chin, or smooth your hair

4. When relaxing, you sit with...

a) your knees bent with your legs neatly side by side

b) your legs crossed

c) your legs stretched out or straight

d) one leg curled under you

5. When something really amuses you, you react with...

a) big appreciated laugh

b) a laugh, but not a loud one

c) a quiet chuckle

d) a sheepish smile

6. When you go to a party or social gathering you...

a) make a loud entrance so everyone notices you

b) make a quiet entrance, looking around for someone you know

c) make the quietest entrance, trying to stay unnoticed

7. You're working very hard, concentrating hard, and you're
Interrupted, do you ...

a) welcome the break

b) feel extremely irritated

c) vary between these two extremes

8. Which of the following colors do you like most?

a) Red or orange

b) black

c) yellow or light blue

d) green

e) dark blue or purple

f) white

g) brown or gray

9. When you are in bed at night, in those last few moments before going to sleep you are ...

a) stretched out on your back

b) stretched out face down on your stomach

c) on your side, slightly curled

d) with your head on one arm

e) with your head under the covers

10. You often dream that you are...

a) falling

b) fighting or struggling

c) searching for something or somebody

d) flying or floating

e) you usually have dreamless sleep

f) your dreams are always pleasant

> POINTS:
>
> 1. (a) 2 (b) 4 (c) 6
>
> 2. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 7 (d) 2 (e) 1
>
> 3. (a) 4 (b) 2 (c) 5 (d) 7 (e) 6
>
> 4. (a) 4 (b) 6 (c) 2 (d) 1
>
> 5. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 3 (d) 5 (e) 2
>
> 6. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 2
>
> 7. (a) 6 (b) 2 (c) 4
>
> 8. (a) 6 (b) 7 (c) 5 (d) 4 (e) 3 (f) 2 (g) 1
>
> 9. (a) 7 (b) 6 (c) 4 (d) 2 (e) 1
>
> 10. (a) 4 (b) 2 (c) 3 (d) 5 (e) 6 (f) 1

Who Can Tell Me What A Hog Line Is?

2006-02-21T18:46:00.000-05:00

Well.... as all of you know its the line a stoner must not cross while he's still holding onto rocks. Pete Fenson, the U.S.'s greatest stoner, was thought to be out of his league when placed with the best stoners of the world, but he has shown everyone that he can use a slider and draw long and smooth drags as well as anyone; in fact he can even handle any type of "Ice" if that's how its gonna go down at the Bonspiel....onto musings which will actually be more disastrous than this opening...

Yes I'm a 23 Years Old and No I'm Not Too Old to Discuss This - Video games....yeah that's where I'm going. So I recently had a wonderfully nerdy weekend of gaming, which involved re-capturing some college memories by playing a slew of GameCube games with other equally mature alumni. GameCube got murdered in sales by both PS2 and Xbox in the United States, but was able to carve out a niche with the young gamers (4 - 10). A few games namely ones which have "party games" consisting of several "mini-games" like Mario Party, Pac-Man Fever, and Super Monkey Ball have great cross over appeal though for older gamers because they are excellent games to do alittle imbibing to, involve several people playing at once, and are simple enough for anyone to play competitively. I started thinking about whether my first gaming company will be around as a primary provider for much longer or if they're profits will fade until they become a 3rd party carrier like Sega (only makes games; no new consoles). I'm not so sure this is a good sign; here is the controller prototype for their newest system:

The controller can detect it's orientation in 3-D space. It seems like you can throw a punch by jabbing the controller forward, swing a sword by slicing it, or steer a car by turning your wrists. Pretty cool but these types of experiments have failed before (power glove, power pad, virtual reality visor). In fact this has been tried at the arcade level already (I've played a boxing game with 3-D orientation but the amount of jabs you have to throw in one fight really kills the replay ability, which makes me question how useful this type of controller will be in most punching and slashing games). Here are some more details and a full review...intriguing but until Nintendo allows me to spend money (and I'd spend alot) to play all the Old School games I loved as a youth, I will feel like they are not taking full advantage of their willing, older fanbase. If that didn't scare you away from my post, this will....
This is Gonna Happen From Time to Time - So ESPN.com has create a program called the Trade Machine. It allows basketball nuts to actually test some of their trade prognostications without studying "Capology" (team salary cap rules) or researching all the trade rules (which there are many). Unfortunately it does not incorporate player's value or specific team needs. Regardless, it allows you to propose the trade and examine whether it is financially possible; proving it makes logical sense is then the job of the fan (which let me tell you is highly enjoyable). If anyone (please....) has any interest discussing possible trades (trade deadline is Feb. 23rd but I'll extend it to the end of the month) please post and we can get a good ol' fashion sports debate going. I was going to propose some trades here and try and defend them but then I realized nobody read past ESPN.com.....

That's all for now but I'll be back to annoy you avid readers again soon....if you haven't already, please check out Mr.Digit's excellent post directly beneath this one.....

Other posts by DJ Browneye and the Weak Sauce:
That First One...You Remember the Long Boring One

The Transmigration of the Soul and Robots in Disguise

2006-02-21T12:59:00.000-05:00

I’m scared of ghosts. Seriously. A lot of smart people I know think they exist, and it actually does scare me sometimes. What can you do to defend yourself?

Shit, that’s what. You can’t do shit.

But I also feel sorry for the ghosts. The idea of being confined to one location for centuries, perhaps eternity, is pretty horrifying itself. It’s gotta suck hard sometimes to be ghost.

Nevertheless I think a lot of this must have been alleviated by the invention of the internet. It’s made being confined to one place easier for millions of us. And if you’re a ghost, I bet it isn’t so maddening being stuck with a dial-up connection. What are you in a rush for? You literally have no life.

My guess is most ghosts haunt the internet these days. Maybe we’ve chatted with one at one point or another, or exchanged personal abuse on an imdb message board.

I think about death a lot more the deeper I get into adulthood. Ghosts probably think a lot less about death, as the mystery’s pretty much gone at that point. It’d be like us spending all our time thinking about our birth – just unbelievably self-indulgent.

So, speaking of death and unbelievable self-indulgence, how recently have any of you speculated who you might have been in a previous life? I was thinking I might have been Orson Welles (I like radio plays and eating). The problem is, Orson Welles died in ’85, four years after I was born. So for me to be his reincarnation, the man would have to have been walking around (well, probably mostly sitting) without a soul for at least a few years. This put a snag in my little daydream until I remembered that his last role was in Transformers: The Movie.

Which solves things nicely.

Like that Infamous Beatles Song?

2006-02-19T16:48:00.000-05:00

Whatever happened to Little Man Tate? - I'm watching Jumanji right now - don't ask - and in it, Little Man Tate plays a young Robin Williams. Whatever happened to him? Maybe he, Jonathan Lipnicki (the Kid with the ginormous head from Jerry Maguire), and that chick from My Girl formed a band where they play a cover of "Runaway Train" for hours on end. That would be sweet.
When is Ugly Kid Joe Gonna Record Again? - Speaking of Soul Asylum - and I guess I was - that blast from the past will be releasing a brand new album in March. Who was clamoring for this piece of nostalgia? Who made these people come out of hiding after 7 years? Although I will give frontman Dave Pirner credit (or "dap" - i'm down with the kids) and say that his music for Chasing Amy (specifically - "Little Tube of Wonderful" - the opening credits piece) was pretty cool. Goodbye, Street Cred! Hello, VH1!
Meanwhile, In the Halls of Justice - So I quit smoking. And now it's been two weeks. And...I gotta say - it still sucks. Oh well. It was made easier this week, though, when my desire for anything except oblivion was removed due to an incredibly high fever that stayed with me for three days. It wasn't pleasant - but it did culminate in a fever dream/hallucination where I was arguing with the Justice League and a Tree over how to deal with giant Japanese man terrorizing a city. I still say it's not my jurisdiction nor place to intervene in such matters, but then again - i don't have a utility belt.
Now When Can I Eat My Meals in One Pill? - FINALLY, some honest to good uplifiting news. Really these stories fill my heart with glee and make me grin like Leo in What's Eating Gilbert Grape?. Soon my precious, soon. Alack alas, that's probably just an internet prank to get my hopes up. But this ain't no prank! I really do think that the advent of the flying car will immediately usher in an era where people will try for greatness again. My reasoning? People will look at this confirmation that childhood dreams and fantasies can actually come true. Suddenly, people will be experimenting with formulas that make them shrink or grow in size, and time travel, and of course - animal-human hybrids.
He Only Did It Cuz He Loves me So Much - Oh, and if someone shoots you in the face and you turn around and apologize to the shooter? You're a bitch. In every sense of the word. It's one thing to forgive, it's another to feel badly. I mean, that would probably be my reaction - but that's cuz i'm an awkward spaz. "Oh, i'm sorry - I do believe i got my face in there. Were you aiming at those birds? Oh, dammit. Sorry, again - didn't mean to ruin the fun. Is that my eye over there? No? Well, I'll keep looking. Sorry to interrupt."
Sympathy for the Devil - Mr. & Mrs. Smith is a pretty entertaining movie - but it fills me with so much anger. So pretty boy gets to bang hottie psycho Angelina Jolie and also gets to be an assassin? while sharing jokes with Vince Vaughn? And he gets to bunch that kid from The OC? And you're telling me he's unsatisfied with life?
...
That's fair. I could see how all of that would be tiring after a while.
...
Jackass.
Titular Line! - So here's where the title of my lil post comes from. This is the most recent trailer for Linklater's A Scanner Darkly. Just click here and download it or view it as you see fit. I think it'll be pretty great. It doesn't look like Linklater was able to get Radiohead to do the score, but that would've been pretty friggin sweet. And while most people - re: Panthro - don't know about Keanu Reeves as Arctor, I'm game for it. Yes, I'm kind of a Keanu apologist (the guy doesn't seem that bad, so I don't mind him), but no where near as much as I am a Ben Affleck apologist (don't ask). But I really do think Keanu fits the role well since he does have the appearance of this scruffy stoner loser, but we're also used to him having these very powerful heroic roles in the past 6 years or so. And it's that dynamic - Ted Logan vs. Neo - that kind of comes into play in this story. Also, the guy is pretty much a blank slate - doesn't bring much in the way of a personality. Whatever people want to think of him, he can become in their eyes; also perfect for Arctor.
Is this Movie Also About Abortion - like that Ben Folds Five song? - Here's another trailer for y'all. This one is for the movie Brick, which caused a lil hubbub at Sundance. I've heard good and bad things about it, but it looks like an entertaining little film noir. Like a high school version of The Salton Sea. Probably about as good as that flick was, too. Thoughts?
This Used To Be My Island... - So, as I stated above, I was feeling pretty shitty in the city this past week. So much so that I, gasp!, missed Lost. I know. I know. I haven't watched it yet, and dunno whether or not I'm gonna get caught up. But here's the interesting thing. TVGasm.com said it was a return to form for the series, while my friend immediately texted me after saying "Booo. Fuck Lost, man." So clearly something went down. Although I'm guessing the following happened: Locke spoke cryptically, Sawyer exuded southern charm, Ana Lucia glowered, Kate looked perturbed by something, and Saayid appeared to either torture somebody or fix something electronic. This season, with its hiatuses and poorly produced and written episodes, has really let me down thus far. Was this episode a return to grace? So i turn to you - fellow readers and contributors: please help me. Can you please write in with a recap of the episode and a review of what you thought of it - along with the entire season? Let's get a rap session goin, people! Gracias.
What Am I Listening To: The Streets, A Grand Don't Come for Free; Wolf Parade, Apologies to the Queen Mary; Jem, Finally Woken; The Flaming Lips, At War with the Mystics (leaked - Gracias to DJ Browneye!); Loverboy, "Turn me Loose"; Cat Stevens, Tea for the Tillerman; The Boy Least Likely To, Best Party Ever; The National, Alligator; The Jam, "A Town Called Malice"; Iron and Wine, Our Endless Numbered Days.
What Am I Watching: Mr & Mrs Smith, The Long Kiss Goodnight, The Smartest Guys in the Room, The Aristocrats, Veronica Mars, Drawn Together, Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country, Freedomland, Real Time with Bill Maher, The Squid & The Whale.
Reading is Fundamental - Ex Machina (vol. 1 & 2) by Brian K. Vaughan & Tony Harris; ****Y the Last Man (vol 1-6) by Brian K. Vaughan & Pia Guerra (cannot recommend this enough! check out this series!)****; Tokyo Suckerpunch by Isaac Adamson; Smoke & Mirrors by Neil Gaiman; Lenny Bruce is Dead by Jonathan Goldstein.
Is That All there is? - Has anyone else noticed that things have been fairly lackluster in the past 3-4 months or so? The Gauntlet II is horrible - and Zira lookalike Kina is still in charge of the rookies (that's right - a Planet of the Apes reference, bitches!). Lost, as I said, is slipping pretty quickly. I actually haven't been watching Veronica Mars this season, but I just devoured all of season 1, so maybe that's good. And most movies have been looking pretty...well just lame and half assed (lookin at you, Final Destination 3). And Flaming Lips's new album, while a leaked copy so it's possible that it's unmastered, is OK. Certainly not bad, and really entertaining, but still not their best. So what's on the horizon? There's enough Nerd heartrbeak in the future with Clerks 2, X-Men 3, Superman Returns. What are people looking forward to? For me, a short list includes - A Scanner Darkly, V for Vendetta, the new season of The Sopranos & Real Time with Bill Maher, the Ghostface/MF Doom album. Any other new albums comin soon to look forward to? Anyone have some bright points of light for me to moor my tiny hopes upon?

2006-02-16T20:40:00.000-05:00

It Begins!!!

2006-02-16T20:23:00.000-05:00

On Politics:

Cheney’s got a gun . . . . . . . Cheney’s got a gun. . . . .

Has anyone else gotten this stuck in their head? Cause it’s been running through mine like wildfire. To tell you the truth, this whole Vice President shooting an elderly man with a shotgun thing isn’t particularly significant, but it is extremely funny. Imagine if Cheney had shot Supreme Court Justice Scalia instead (they are hunting buddies, after all), killing him instantly. Then Bush would get to nominate his replacement, who would face confirmation in the Senate. If the Senate vote on this nominee were a 50-50 tie Cheney, as President of the Senate, would be called in to cast the deciding vote. So basically in this hypothetical situation, Cheney would get to retire a sitting Supreme Court Justice and then confirm his replacement. What would this whole series of events mean? Absolutely nothing, but once again, it would be kind of funny and considering the shenanigans this administration has pulled, not altogether impossible to imagine. My advice to Justices Ginsburg, Breyer, Souter, and especially Stevens (so old!): politely refuse any hunting invitations from Cheney. Seriously. So let’s all try this together, shall we?

Cheney’s got a gun. . . . . . . . Cheney’s got a gun. . . . . .

So I’m gonna go out on a limb here and state for the record that I want Hillary Clinton to be the next President of the United States. Oh yeah, you heard right people! Not because she’s a lady or even because I particularly like her. I don’t. Hell, I don’t even like Bill that much, which is hard because he is so damn likeable, especially after hearing him speak. No, I want Hillary to be the next President for the pettiest of reasons: because it would piss off the Right. Yes, politics for me has come down to simple revenge and there is no person in the position to become President that could realize this revenge better then Hillary. And to all the naysayers out there I scream out YES! She could definitely win. Unless, of course, McCain gets the Republican nod, cause then we’re fucked.

Oh well, I can only secretly hope and pray that Al Gore will run in 08. I know, he probably wouldn’t win the nomination let along the general election, but still I kinda love the guy. I mean, I really love the guy; in a serious man-crush way. Yes, what I’m saying is I have an enormous hard-on for Al Gore (Mr. Vice President, if your reading this, I’m sorry but it’s true. Don’t tell Tipper). Sure, he’s not much to look at, a little chubby even, and he’s certainly not a great speaker, but he’s smart and he’s sensible. I honestly believe that he would make a great President. After all the dizzying highs and sickening lows of the Clinton and Bush administrations, don’t you think America could benefit from a quite, unassuming President that isn’t going to shake things up too much (except do everything in his power to undo the damage done by Bush, of course)? Plus he was the inspiration for Love Story and roomed with Tommy Lee Jones at Harvard. How cool is that?

Ok, I think that’s enough ranting for now.

End Transmission

Blog #1: Short and Bitter (Just like me!)

2006-02-16T09:58:00.000-05:00

So Steve Martin's avarice and cynicism is being rewarded by a moviegoing public comprised of sheep.

How does America's favorite wild and greedy guy plan to top his remake of the The Pink Panther?

Steve Martin *is* Austin Powers? The Little Tramp? The entire cast of Police Academy?

Honestly.

Hi, by the way. I'm Mr. Digit, a friend of the Monkey's from way back. I'll be posting more, and I promise I'll be cheerier.

I've got your answers RIGHT HERE!!! No seriously, just scroll down.

2006-02-14T14:06:00.000-05:00

1) Our President FORBIDS the creation of Animal/Human hybrids (otherwise known as Manimals). If the technology did exist, what Animal would you want to fuse with? Why?

Come on. Shark. All the way. "Sharky!"

2) Would You Rather Be a Private Detective or an Undercover Cop?

If I could rock the Magnum stash, and maybe have some form of a colorful sidekick/partner, then definitely Private Detective. I'd only be an Undercover Cop if it was like an Infernal Affairs situation. Dammit - no one's seen that movie.

3) If You Could Fight Any Member of Superfriends, who'd it be? Which character would, in fact, be your Super Friend?

I would fight the Wonder Twins. That's right - BOTH of Them. And who'd be my friend? Please, isn't it obvious? Black Vulcan. He's pure lightning - in his pants.

4) What song, released in 2005, best sums up YOUR 2005?

"Always New Depths" by Bloc Party. "Mr. Ambulance Driver" by the Flaming Lips is a close second.

5) If you were a superhero - would you have a cape?

Depends. If I flew? Definitely. If i didn't? No way.

6) What's the strangest thing that ever made you cry?

Independence Day. It was on in the background while I was cleaning up. I wasn't even watching it. And it was that part where Randy Quaid & Bill Pullman defiantly make the last stand against the aliens, and then Quaid sacrifices himself for the good of all mankind. And suddenly, I was weepy. The hell did that come from?

7) Fireworks: Awesome or Awful?

You know, they're cool and all...but overall, it's just kind of retarded. I mean, you're just watching stuff explode. I dunno - if it was in a Michael Bay movie i would be unimpressed. Why is it suddenly entertaining when done by a group of Carnie Rejects?

8)Who (one band/musician) would you want to do the soundtrack for your life? Who SHOULD do the soundtrack to your life?

I would want the Flaming Lips, cuz they make the tragic sound profound and interesting and entertaining. And the happy parts would seem a lot happier. Who should do it? Some crappy melodramatic untalented but mildly popular band. Like Switchfoot.

9)Do you remember the first lie you ever told? If so, what was it?

I really don't. Probably "No, I'm okay."

10) If You Could Fight Any Character from Can't Hardly Wait, who'd it be and why? Which character are you most like?

I would say I'd fight Jerry O'Connell's character - cuz it would be great to beat up the over the hill college kid that came back to a high school party. But I'd also want to beat up actor Ethan Embry - cuz fuck that guy.

11) Best Adam Sandler movie? (no, it's not an oxymoron)

Punch Drunk Love - although Billy Madison is his best comedy. And does anyone remember Bulletproof? I remember seeing that in theaters, and thinking it was brilliant. I caught it like 6 months ago. I think i was a retarded child.

12) If you had the gift of flight, where would you fly to first?

Doesn't matter so long as it's the fuck away from here. In all seriousness, i would fly to Fiji or Hawaii. Maybe San Fran.

13) Have you ever known someone who reminded you of a celebrity, BUT that celebrity was pretty awful so you couldn't really tell that person? (For example, someone told me recently that I look like Ray Romano. That was hurtful and should've been kept to herself.) If so, who was the person and who was the celebrity?

I'm not gonna be naming any names - but there's someone out there an awful lot like Ashlee Simpson. And no one ever EVER wants to hear that one. Not even Ashlee Simpson wants to be told that she looks like Ashlee Simpson. She was a really sweet girl, too.

14) Would you rather have a sassy teen, sassy robot, or a sassy monkey for a sidekick?

Sassy Robot. Monkey is dirty and hard to control. Teens are jerks. Robot would be useful and provide ample hilarious observations throughout our many misadventures.

15) What band, TV show, or movie did you hate on for a long time, but then suddenly found yourself completely in love with?

I hated on Alias, and then found myself totally wrapped up in the first 3 seasons. Although my hating was vindicated in the 4th season. Honestly - what was that about? Also, I hated on Angel, but that fifth season is amazing. Some good stuff. And I also hated on Postal Service, but ending up liking them. Although now I'm kind of back to hating them again. And kind of M83 - although i was never all about them the way certain others were. And I hated on the Harry Potter books - but then ended up gobbling up all the books since 2002. Although i still find them poorly written and formulaic, i'll be damned if they ain't addictive.

16) Ironic Music Listening: Funny or Tired?

Sometimes a lot of fun ("You're the Best Around" from The Karate Kid), sometimes real tired ("Hulkster in Heaven").

17) If you could bring back a game from your childhood (MASH, Hopscotch, Kickball, Spike, etc), what game would it be? Why?

Kickball. I would make recess mandatory for work places everywhere. And all of the CPAs, and IT people, and human resources groups would play with each other. they could be human again, if only for 30 minutes.

18) If you had to be trapped inside of any TV show, as a recurring character within that universe, what show would it be? Why?

Saved by the Bell. They had so much fun, and were carefree, and seemed like good friends with each other. Plus i always wanted to travel by locker.

19) Have you ever written a poem for someone you love?

Yes, cuz i'm an asshole. Why is no one proud of doing this?

20) Would you rather be Giant (like Atomic size) or Microscopic?

MicroScopic.

21) Are Mummies scary? How about Zombies?

Mummies aren't. That gauze just has to be binding. Plus how can you be scared of someone that once worshipped cats? Zombies on the other hand - it all depends on what kind. They can run fast, move slowly, talk, not talk, operate machines, simple feast on brains. There's such a rainbow - you don't know what you can get. also, it's hard to reason with a dead person.

22) Write a horoscope for a Muppet Baby.

"Beware of your friend, The Comedian - remember it is not in his nature to be funny, but instead to rip you apart limb from limb in his neverending pursuit for blood and honey."

23) You just won the Lottery. What do you do the next day at work?

Spend all day, answering phones in the lewdest way possible - ask horribly inappropriate questions, etc.

And then i would spike the phone down. And proceed to tell everyone to go fuck themselves. And then I would inform everyone that i would be buying this company shortly. just to run it into the ground.

24) What One Hit Wonder band/artist was deserving of real acclaim?

You know, i'm gonna catch shit for this - but I think Third Eye Blind's self titled album is actually a great lil pop album. The rest of you pretentious fucks can suck my trunkbutt.

25) Do you still believe in the possibilities of wondrous, miraculous things occurring? Magic rings, parallel dimensions, Capital L Love, Monsters, spells, events that transcend space and time? Do you really?

Yes. I think this world is a shitty shitty shitty place. But there's still some corners where the amazing is possible, and the impossible is ordinary.

Glass is Half Empty. No wait...Half Full! No Wait...ah, fuck it. Just Give Me A Drink

2006-02-13T12:52:00.000-05:00

(Prompted by an email/article by My Obi-Wan)

Here is an excerpt from Wordsworth's "Ode: Intimations of Immortality":

Whither is fled the visionary gleam?
Where is it now, the glory and the dream?

Though nothing can bring back the hour,
Of splendor in the grass, of glory in the flower,
We will grieve not, rather find
Strength in what remains behind.

This is the flip side to one of my other favorite quotes - from Shannon Wheeler's Too Much Coffee Man:

Remember when we were young: we looked forward to things. I can't WAIT to drive. I can't WAIT to get a boyfriend. I can't WAIT to graduate. Etc., Etc. Now it's remember how great high school was. Or nothing compares to the feeling of first love. Life was so much better back when we were young. Somewhere between anticipation and nostalgia we should have been happy.

Both poems deal with recouping our dreamlives with the lives that involve us pounding the pavement and rotting in cubicles. The promise of the future versus the despair of the present. How far away the simplicity of our past seems when compared to our overcrowded days of adulthood.

On any given day, I agree with one or the other...sometimes both in the same hour. Things got real after college, and it was the cold shock of realizing that adulthood is going to be just as angst ridden and full of annoyances and complications as every other step of the way. Maybe more so as the shadow of protection that family and college and the excuse of youth was ripped away from us.

And some days all I can think is that we are all so fucked. The few people I know that are happy, are happy with an asterisk next to that qualification. They are Happy*. Which is to say, they're happy, but at what price? Usually sanity or their souls, or some other intangible that i should've given up on a long time ago.

Other days, i believe that we're just a bunch Phoenixes (phoenices? whatever.). Right now we're ashes, we've burnt out to a crisp. But the ignition is coming soon, and a blaze will start again.

I don't know.

All i can say for certain is this: Quitting Cigarettes Fucking Sucks.

There. That's all you know, and all ye shall ever need to know.

Now They're Just Fuckin With Us...

2006-02-10T16:22:00.000-05:00

I mean, how else do you explain this marketing strategy?

As AICN put it - this looks like Rent as performed by the X-Men. God damn it.

And the Hits...just Keep On Comin'

2006-02-10T10:06:00.000-05:00

X-Men: The Last Stand is coming in May. More details are coming out about this lil gem. And with those details, come some great pictures. And with great pictures, comes great responsibility. Like my responsibility to scream THIS LOOKS LIKE THE WORST FUCKING MOVIE EVER MADE EVER!!!! I know people think fanboys like me just want to whine and bitch and complain about something. And they're right. But in this case, I really wanted this movie to be great. X-Men was pretty lame, horribly written (FACTOID: I recently found out that The Infamous "Toad Gets Hit by Lightning" line was written by Joss Whedon. But so was the "You're A Dick" quip), with subpar action and muddling character development. It shit on a lot of comic book law, and wasn't even a good movie on its own (The Magneto vs. Nazis scene was cool, and I did enjoy the introduction to Wolverine).

X2, on the other hand, was fun and fast and engaging, and pretty great for a comic book movie (I would say it's probably the second best comic book movie. The first being The Crow. Glayven). It wasn't completely faithful to the comic books, but worked so well on its own, that any sins were forgiven.

And now this is happening. Why? Why? Haven't us nerds endured enough? The Star Wars prequels? Watching endless number of comic book properties be turned into shitty shitty halfassed movies? Doom? The gentrification of Sam Raimi? Resident Evil? The fingerbanging of Aliens vs. Predator? The tidal wave of shitty J-horror rip offs? And now this. Just look below...for some craptastic images from what could end up being the spark that ignites the Nerd Riots of the 21st century.

Maybe the X-Men movies will be like Star Trek movies, where even numbered ones are really good, and odd numbered ones are perplexing and feel half-realized.

Maybe.

Things get hot and heavy in the backrooms of Best Buy.

"Is that...is that Ram Man?"

"Do you even know where we parked? God dammit, I hate you so much."

"My mutant power is to look frumpy."

"What happens in the Danger Room, stays in the Danger Room. Now, suck it."

"BALLS!"

"Yes, I've seen that commercial where the man works in an office with a bunch of chimps. But I just don't see what that has to do with---Ohhhh. You're a dick."

"I refuse to miss the opening ceremonies of the Winter Olympics. I'm a big time Luge enthusiast. BIG TIME."

"Two Dollars!" OR The Strong Arm of the Girls Scouts

"Do I have Something on My Face?"

Let's turn lemons into lemonade. Caption Contest! Submit your own!

Just Keep Scrolling Down You Want Nothing to do With This

2006-02-09T19:51:00.000-05:00

Its been awhile since I've failed miserably and disappointed people that believe in me in a public arena, so I figured I'd accept the challenge to contribute my keen wit to this fine establishment. MonkeyMan thanks for reppin' Truth St. I hope to continue the struggle. MrDigit I look forward to working with you and I appreciate the creativity you will bring to this space. I can tell you have originality because you have chosen a moniker which is true to you and in no way influenced by anyone else. My other so-called contributor, MC Biter and the Who Cares I'm not really sure what you bring to the table. I have no qualms with excising the fat if you can't keep up. Enough of these symbolic reach arounds, let's see just how bad this can go. To the irreverent and irrelevant musings!!!

Ask Why, Asshole - So recently my roommate and I watched the documentary Enron - The Smartest Guys in the Room about the financial scandal in which billions of dollars of lost pension, savings, and future earnings were lost by company employees, while the CEO, CFO, the president of the board, and the vice-presidents escaped with hundreds of millions in "severance pay" and profits from selling off all of their stock; just before they admitted to the stock market how far in debt they were (which along with the selling off of millions of their shares turned the stocks and 4O1Ks the employees held into worthless reminders of how screwed they had been, let's not forget to mention that the CEO had previously encouraged all employees to put there savings into the company's stock; which was simply a ploy to keep the stock price up as the big wigs sold off there shares). One of the ex-head traders likened it to the captain of the Titanic and the heads of the crew sneaking into personal yachts and once they were far enough away from the sinking monstrosity yelling back "Don't worry everything is just fine". The movie is definitely worth seeing and does an excellent job of revealing that although the most clandestine activities were performed by those at the top, there are so many others who should be (and some have) held accountable. The way they were able to reach unheard of and consistent stock price gains was through the lies, malicious ignorance, and complete lack of foresight of many. Some of which (their auditor Arthur Anderson, investment bank backers, and government organizations like FERC and the SEC) were the one's whose sole purpose it is to ask questions and keep people with that much power from taking advantage of those who have the most to lose (One stock broker questioned Enron's practices; he was fired, one investment banker during a conference call asked for a simple balance sheet for the company and was told no and called an asshole; one former employee said each fiscal quarter just before the 10-Qs came no one knew how they'd make there numbers and then... poof... magically they had made a profit) . I felt disgusted, but the most scary thing to me about this was the realization of how many times in history this has happened (and is most likely still happening). Ignorance at this level has effected more than just people's pockets and always seems to be driven by "the money grab". In the 1920's a chemist for hire (essentially a chemist whose sole goal is to create goods for consumption rather than any type of academic achievement) named Thomas Midgley, Jr., discovered that a lead compound called tetraethyl could significantly reduce engine rattling. The compound worked extremely well, was easy to make and work with, and cheap to use. Simply put it was an extremely profitable discovery. A few of America's largest companies and largest employers (General Motors, Du Pont, and Standard Oil of New Jersey) formed a joint venture called Ethyl Corporation to manufacture and distribute the lead compound. The company and chemical was a huge success and made everyone who was already ridiculously wealthy even wealthier, while at the same time killing and irreparably damaging many many others. What's interesting is at this time scientists already knew the extremely dangerous properties of lead. Prolonged contact with lead had already been discovered to attack one's brain and nervous system with ghastly results (blindness, mental retardation, kidney failure, cancer, convulsions, and hallucinations so shocking and strenuous they often lead to comas and then death). As soon as these manufacturing plants opened workers began exhibiting exposure symptoms. In one of the plants, days after it opened 5 workers had died and another 30 to 40 had lost their minds. The company brass simply denied any relation. Thomas Midgley put on a performance for reporters where he exposed himself to the compound for a brief period to alleviate concerns that it was dangerous (even though he had just recently been treated for a severe case of lead poisoning). Today people are still not sure how many workers died or were severely injured from this product because the company did not allow anyone to keep records of the cases and denied any culpability (The details of this story come from and excellent book about everything.) They have never been held fully accountable. So what? you say..."people in the 1920s did a lot of stupid things, flappers, no glug-glug, I read Great Gatsby!!", well the Ethyl Corporation is still taking in about 25 million dollars a year from the sale of tetraethyl. As of early 2001 the Ethyl Corporation's website still stated "that research has failed to show that leaded gasoline poses a threat to human health". A Whaaaa? How do people like this not get called out? How can this company not have been sued to the ground by impaired workers and their families? Where are the safety organizations and academics to hold this multi-millionaires to the fire? Nowhere....and actually at this point Ethyl Corporation has washed its hands of any past responsibility by re-writing its past. The Ethyl Corporation website as of February 10, 2006 says that "Charles Kettering discovered that a certain combination of chemicals added to gasoline could reduce the noisy and harmful engine "knock" produced by gasoline". What lead, no... no just a combination of chemicals (wouldn't want to give away the secret formula); Thomas Midgley...never heard of him....I understand I am preaching to the choir here and that most of us already have a nice healthy distrust of all people in power, but we are in fact "the few and unproud". I find that we have an easy time questioning and second guessing but a hard time stepping up and putting our ass on the line to shake the order of things. Maybe this is a little to serious and I have completely lost you...let me just end by saying....I can't eat cheese....and now for something completely different (italics meant British accent, read it again)

TREND ALERT!!!!! - Alright my little hipsters, scenesters, and alterna-teens its time for The Sauce to let you in on the hottest new craze. Here's how you know its cool...its expensive (retails at around $1,200 - $1,300), its from Europe (specifically the Uber-cool Trust-Fundafarians over in the Netherlands), its horribly painful and excessive (it takes a lot of pain and suffering to be hip), and its a new outlandishly absurd variation on an old fad (lookin at you Volkswagen). Its.................

...........eye-ball piercing!!!!!!!!!! Sure maybe the idea of inserting a piece of metal into the conjunctiva, the mucous membrane lining the inner surface of the eyelids and front of the eyeball , is slightly unappealing to you, but you have to admit you wanna fuck the shit out of that eyeball.

In the Spirit of the Olympics - Enjoy one of America's greatest and internationally respected performers and completely ignore the lame-ass opening ceremonies to pay a 2 hour homage to the funniest show on television; Arrested Development. Do it......Do it......Do it.....Do it cuz I says so.

By the Power of Grayskull, Indeed!

2006-02-09T11:05:00.000-05:00

I don't think I showed the connection between Vinnie Jones as Juggernaut in X-Men: The Last Stand and Masters of the Universe's Ram Man. Cuz it's rather strong and very blatant.

So here's Ram Man, again:

And here's the toy maquette of Juggernaut, better illustrating what he looks like with the helmet:

Switched at birth?

No one ever says, "I Wanna be a Monkey When I Grow Up"...

2006-02-09T10:45:00.000-05:00

Hey, kids! Wanna be like me? No? Not at all? You find that idea the closest approximation to a living form of death?

That's harsh, children. Just plain mean.

Anywhoski, you don't have to be like me. You can be whatever you want to be (except adventurer, treasure hunter, space pirate, regular pirate, superhero, astronaut [get in touch with reality], demon killer, zombie smasher, or vampire slayer). But if you want to get inside of my head a lil bit - here's a list that might shed some light.

Neurotic Monkey's Top 10 Albums of 2005:

10) Caribou, The Milk of Human Kindness
9) Explosions in the Sky, How Strange, Innocence
8) The Go! Team, Thunder, Lightning, Strike!
7) Bonnie "Prince" Billy & Matt Sweeney, Superwolf
6) DangerDoom, The Mouse & The Mask
5) Wolf Parade, Apologies to the Queen Mary
4) Clap Your Hands, Say Yeah!, Clap Your Hands, Say Yeah!
3) Architecture in Helsinki, In Case We Die
2) The Decemberists, Picaresque
1) Sufjan Stevens, Illinois

And, just to fine tune it - here's The Neurotic Monkey's Top 10 Singles of 2005:

10) Antony & The Johnsons, "Hope There's Someone"
9) The White Stripes, "The Denial Twist"
8) Sia, "Breathe Me" (Four Tet Remix)
7) Wolf Parade, "I'll Believe in Anything"*
6) Interpol, "Evil"
5) My Chemical Romance, "Helena" (Great Video, too)
4) Kanye West feat. Jamie Foxx, "Golddigger"
3) The Flaming Lips, "Mr. Ambulance Driver"
2) Sufjan Stevens, "Chicago"
1) Bloc Party, "Banquet"

(*I don't think this was a single, but whatever it's a good song and could easily have been released as such. So suck on that, purists!)

So what do y'all think of my list? What's missing? What shouldn't be on there? Debate, my little jackals - DEBATE!

This is the Last Straw...er, Last Stand.

2006-02-08T01:27:00.000-05:00

I give you all a glimpse of the WORLD OF TOMORROW...Today! No seriously. It's official: X3 is now called X-Men: The Last Stand. I always knew that Brett Ratner would have the final word on this movie series, but mainly because he would burn it to the ground and then prematurely bury it alive while the agonizing screams of Fanboys echoes through his shallow, talentless ears. So here's the teaser trailer for the movie. Ugh. God damn it. Firstly, stop trying to jam every single Mutant into this thing. Secondly, Phoenix force is evil, already? And according to the early script reviews and (alleged) early peeks at the flick, so many people just die. Why couldn't I write this thing? Mine would've been great. No, your script wasn't better, Romulox23. I'll see you in ComiCon Hell! God damn it. Anyways here's a bunch of pictures. Enjoy!

(From Top to Bottom: Phoenix, Dark Phoenix, Phoenix & Magneto, Wolverine, Storm, Stacy X & Callisto & Psylocke, Angel, Wolverine & Professor X & Storm & Beast, Colossus & Wolverine & Brett Ratner & Storm & Rogue & Iceman & Shadowcat, Colossus & Rogue, Juggernaut)

(OK - this has been pointed out by everyone - but doesn't Juggernaut remind anyone else of Ram Man, from He-Man? Especially when you see him with his helmet on)

Some Say It's Mystic - It's A Blog Quiz! (Boogie Woogie Woogie) You Can't Resist It - It's A Blog Quiz! (Boogie Woogie Woogie)

2006-02-07T16:19:00.000-05:00

Yessir. It's time.

No, not Party Time.

Not Peanut Butter Jelly Time.

Not even Business Time (You know it's Business Time when I'm down to just my socks, that's why they call them Business Socks!).

It's Quiz Time. I'll post my answers at the end of the week. Til then, answer creatively, but most important truthfully. And no more glib wittiness. It gets old, people.

Also, EVERYONE READING THIS should answer. You all know who You are. Start replying.

1) Our President FORBIDS the creation of Animal/Human hybrids (otherwise known as Manimals). If the technology did exist, what Animal would you want to fuse with? Why?

2) Would You Rather Be a Private Detective or an Undercover Cop?

3) If You Could Fight Any Member of Superfriends, who'd it be? Which character would, in fact, be your Super Friend?

4) What song, released in 2005, best sums up YOUR 2005?

5) If you were a superhero - would you have a cape?

6) What's the strangest thing that ever made you cry?

7) Fireworks: Awesome or Awful?

8)Who (one band/musician) would you want to do the soundtrack for your life? Who SHOULD do the soundtrack to your life?

9)Do you remember the first lie you ever told? If so, what was it?

10) If You Could Fight Any Character from Can't Hardly Wait, who'd it be and why? Which character are you most like?

11) Best Adam Sandler movie? (no, it's not an oxymoron)

12) If you had the gift of flight, where would you fly to first?

13) Have you ever known someone who reminded you of a celebrity, BUT that celebrity was pretty awful so you couldn't really tell that person? (For example, someone told me recently that I look like Ray Romano. That was hurtful and should've been kept to herself.) If so, who was the person and who was the celebrity?

14) Would you rather have a sassy teen, sassy robot, or a sassy monkey for a sidekick?

15) What band, TV show, or movie did you hate on for a long time, but then suddenly found yourself completely in love with?

16) Ironic Music Listening: Funny or Tired?

17) If you could bring back a game from your childhood (MASH, Hopscotch, Kickball, Spike, etc), what game would it be? Why?

18) If you had to be trapped inside of any TV show, as a recurring character within that universe, what show would it be? Why?

19) Have you ever written a poem for someone you love?

20) Would you rather be Giant (like Atomic size) or Microscopic?

21) Are Mummies scary? How about Zombies?

22) Write a horoscope for a Muppet Baby.

23) You just won the Lottery. What do you do the next day at work?

24) What One Hit Wonder Band do you think was actually deserve of some real acclaim?

25) Do you still believe in the possibilities of wondrous, miraculous things occurring? Magic rings, parallel dimensions, Capital L Love, Monsters, spells, events that transcend space and time? Do you really?

Answer!

Unleash Nerd Fury!

2006-02-03T13:45:00.000-05:00

Hey, y'all. Here's some news in brief:

I'm Waiting for the (Cable) Man - The internet in my apartment is broken. Awesome. The hits just KEEP on comin'. A repair person will not be available to come and fix it until Monday, February 6th. I never realized how much of a dependency I had worked up for the Internet. Taking a couple hits here, couple hits there; searching sites, emailing at will, surfing the web - even at work! And then I started getting into the heavy stuff - blogging and electronically corresponding with old friends - and I was sunk. But I never noticed my problem, never noticed that Electronic Monkey on my back until I found myself bereft of IM and Ain't It Cool News. Like the wise beyond their hair band Cinderella sings "Don't know what you got, til it's gone". (Sure Joni Mitchell said it before, but whatever; does Joni have hair that rises exactly 2.3 feet from her scalp and a wardrobe comprised entirely by lycra & spandex? I don't think so!) So my activity in the world of the interweb will be very constrained this weekend. How will I place my electronic bets on which commercial will be the funniest? Woe is me! In all seriousness, the Internet provides me with access to write this bullshit your reading, and that really makes me happy and gets my cylinders firing. And i get to read my friends' sublime emails and watch funny little videos - all things that help me detach from the apocalyptic decay that is my life. I want my Internet, please. In the meantime, I'll just jump back on my CB radio - even despite all of the sexual harrassment I receive from those horny, lonely truckers.
What (buyit) Do You (buyit) Mean By (buyit) Subliminal (buyit) Advertising? - Speaking of "Don't Know What You Got Til It's Gone" by Cinderella, has anyone else felt bombarded by those commercials for "Heavy Ballads"? It's a compilation disc filled with all of the amazing Hair Metal Ballads of the late 80s/early 90s. The music might be shitty and beloved ironically by legions of hipsters, but the commercials are on ALL THE TIME! And the songs are all the same, but they also all get stuck in my head. But unfortunately, all I know is the one or two lines they play in the commercial. So that just gets stuck in a loop goin nonstop in my head - usually in medley form: "Heaven isn't too far away/cuz when the children cry, even though they die/can you take them hiiiiigher?/when every rose has its thorn". And it just plays over and over and over. So i think my only choice is to order the damn CD, if only just so I can play the full song and end this maddening torture. I wonder if this was the type of musical bombardment the US hurled at Noriega in order to get him to break?
I'm Back, Biatch! (Honk-HONK!) - Guess who's back? Back again? Dave is back, tell a friend - to watch Oprah. Dave Chapelle is on OPRAH today (god I hope they talk about the sketch where he impregnated Ms. Winfrey). And then next week he's on Inside the Actor's Studio with James "Popazao" Lipton. What? I can't wait for Lipton to call Chapelle's turn in Con Air a "resplendent and refreshing look at the incarcerated african-american, which uses equally parts comedy, heart, and bravery to depict his character 'Pinball'". At least we'll finally hear him talk about goin crazy, and his future plans. I've always been a big fan of the burnout in the burnout v. fade away debates, so I respect Dave's decision to walk away before it got lame. But why is he talking now? What could possibly prompt him to feel so open and ready to express his feelings and expose his inner demons? Maybe it helps that he has a movie, Block Party, opening soon (March 3, 2006). Check out the trailer here. It looks like it could be a fun ride - not the craziest fan of Talib Kweli these days, or Dead Prez. But at least Pras is back. Right? Right? Poor Pras. I just love that Michel Gondry apparently said to himself - "Why continue to make films that are visually interesting and innovative? To Brooklyn!" Fuck it - I'll probably go see this movie. Chapelle, Gondry, and Mos Def? All right, all right.
NerdTeam....ASSEMBLE!!!! In the coming weeks you're goin to notice a few changes around here. Specifically, some new voices. I've invited 3 of my amigos to start contributing to this blog. So give them a chance, and then rip them to shreds. This doesn't mean I'll post any less, or that I'm punting off the work. And luckily there's no fanbase to offend with this crazy move to diversify. Anyways, a change is comin to this blog - and it ain't never gonna be the same again!
It's Come to This? - To all of my loyal and faithful readers out there...(cricket sounds). Okay, to anyone accidentally stumbling upon this site looking for that hilarious clip of the chimp smoking - Does anyone know when Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang will be released on DVD? Thus far, no news on that front at all. Bupkus. So if anyone has any inkling - it would be appreciated. Graci!
Once Again Loki, the Practical Jokester God, Pulls the Chair Out of a Potentially Hilarious Situation - So the Republicans elected a new House Majority Leader to take over for the scandal ridden DeLay. They needed someone that would rid the party of any hint of impropriety. So they went with a guy named Boehner. Which is hilarious - on paper. In real life, the guy's name is pronounced "Bayner". Dammit! So close! Eventually we will just have Senator Douchebag and Representative DonkeyPunch. Til then...But on a bright note of irony and unintentional comedy - during the voting for the new leader, there was a voting irregularity where the number of ballots was more than the number of republicans in the senate. So in a vote to reestablish the Ethical Mandate of the Republican Party - someone tried to cheat. Beautiful. Just beautiful.
Two for the Fam - So my sister and dad both sent me jokes recently. I thought I'd give them a lil time on my (oh so secret) blog. Here they are, with my sister's first, then my father's shared moment of glee. Maybe you'll understand my background a lil better.

(1) A man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says: "Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."
His girlfriend is lying in bed and replies: "I think you'll find that's a sheep, you idiot."
The man says: "I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you."

(2) A New York family of baseball supporters headed out one Saturday to shop for the youngest boy's birthday. While in the sports shop the son picks up a Red Sox jersey and says to his older sister, "I've decided to become a Red Sox fan and I would like this Boston jersey for my birthday."
His big sister is outraged by this and promptly whacks him upside his head and says, "Go talk to mother."
Off goes the little lad with the jersey in hand and finds his mother.
"Mom?"
"Yes, son?"
"I've decided I'm going to be a Red Sox fan and I would like this
jersey for my birthday."
The mother is outraged at this, promptly whacks him around the head and says, "Go talk to your father!"
Off he goes with the Red Sox jersey in hand and finds his father.
"Dad?"
"Yes, son?"
"I've decided I'm going to be a Red Sox fan and I would like this jersey for my birthday."
The father is outraged and promptly whacks his son in the back of his head and says, "No son of mine is ever going to be seen in THAT!"
About half an hour later they're all back in the car and heading towards home. The father turns to his son and says, "Son, I hope you've learned something today?"
The son says, "Yes, Dad, I have."
"Good son, what is it?"
The son replies, "I've only been a Red Sox fan for an hour and I already hate you Yankee bastards."
It's The Final Countdown...Okay, it's Going to Be One in A Lifetime Series of Final Countdowns - I'm quitting cigarettes. Yup. I know. Don't worry, I've done it before. I'll do it again. But I'm on my last pack. And come the close of Sunday evening - as Steelers fans worldwide begin their litany of boasting and annoying the shit out of everyone until people wish very serious injuries to befall professional Sgt. Slaughter look-a-like Bill Cower - i will be a smoker no more. I feel like I'm breaking up with a girlfriend. A devoted, loving, supportive girlfriend who is slowly killing me and leeching away my money. So, it's like most of my relationships. HI-YO! But it's time for me to end it. So I can start feeling better, and stop pissing money away on $8 packs of cancer. I'm already paying so much for cancer in my Cell Phone, not to mention the Microwave in my apartment that is perched dangerously at Groin level. Anyways, Au Revoir Les Cigarettes. I'll miss you. (See you in about 7 months or so.)
Random Question - If someone's a Lactard, does that mean they have an eating disorder? Or more importantly, can they CLAIM to have an eating disorder?
So That's Why They Tell Me Not To Try This Crap At Home - Did anyone catch The Daily Show last night? Where Dan Bakkedal tried to fit his whole fist into his mouth? Immediately following (actually during) that segment, my roommate and I both attempted it. He got about 96% of his fist into his piehole, while my piehole could only take about 82% of my fist. You know what they say about Big Hands...how only an idiot would try and fit them into his mouth? Well it's true. Are we the only morons who actually tried this imitatable act? Anyone else? Also - the entire time I was flashing on that episode in Cheers where Kirstie Alley fits her fist in her mouth, and then writes a note asking for someone to call a doctor cuz she couldn't get it out. Good times. How has no one used that footage in the service of a fat joke? For shame, TV's late night talk show hosts. For shame.
Now I see the Power of the Darkside - All right. I've given in. I want an iPod. There? You happy? You broke me! I want an iPod. Why did I resist? Cuz a) I have no money, and 2) I think iPods are going to be the end of albums as we know it. Since music downloads are at an all time high, and there's more money to be made in them than in CDs (no cost of production). Also, through downloads, you can select specific songs and specific orders for those songs - not neccessarily how the artist designs it. I think digital music means the rise of the single. I don't think it'll wipe out CDs or albums completely, but it will change the format and the way music is made, marketed, and distributed that will alter its face for a while to come. Also, I like the nerdy acoutrements of a CD. The album art. The lyrics. The liner notes - if any exists. I like these physical remnants. That this music doesn't just occupy time, but also a physical space. But, like i said, no me rikey iPod, and so I shall be getting one forthwith.
Apparently...I'm..Retarded. So There's That - I don't get the hubbub over Battlestar Galactica. I mean, I got the first 2 seasons on DVD, and I'm watching it slowly. But I just don't get it. I think Tricia Helfer (No. 6) is really hot, and Grace Park is gorgeous, and there's some funny moments - but what the hell is the big deal? They always have to make a tense decision between two options, they choose one, and then it all works out...for now! I'm on episode 7 or so. Maybe it gets better? Honestly, someone throw me a bone. I do really like Gaius, the crazy doctor who is tormented by visions/ghost/program of Number 6 in his head. That's just good TV. I also really want Adama (Edward James Almos) to eventually turn to his son, Apollo, point to his face, and say "One day this'll happen to you, too. I used to be beautiful!" So either this show's overrated, or I'm a complete Corky. Maybe the two aren't mutually exclusive.
Throw the Jew Down the Well: The Movie? - So, evidently, there's a Borat movie a-comin'. Yeah, I had no idea, either. Anyways - here's a positive review of a test screening. Enjoy, and watch how many nerds call the writer a Plant. Outstanding!
What Am I Listening to: Antony & the Johnsons, I am A Bird Now; Sufjan Stevens, Illinoise; Coheed & Cambria, In Keeping Secrets of Silent Earth: 3; Coheed & Cambria, Good Apollo, I'm Buring Star IV, Volume 1 : From Fear through The Eyes of Madness (whew); Oh No! Oh My! "Walk in the Park"; Oh No! Oh My!, "I Have a Sister"; Film School, "Pitfalls"'; Interpol, Turn on the Bright Lights; M83, Dead Cities, Red Seas, & Lost Ghosts; John Coltrane, Blue Train; Asheru, "Boondocks Theme Song".
What Am I Looking At: Battlestar Galactica; Real World/Road Rules Challenge: The Gauntlet 2 (Mega Yawn. Bring back The Miz and VolTRon!); Miller's Crossing; The Office; My Name is Earl; Project Runway (yay, Chloe! See ya, crybaby!); Distraction (I don't think they really pee on command to answer questions...how very tragic. It's like Quiz Show, only grosser); Basketball (I'm as surprised as you); Jeopardy!; State of the Union; The Daily Show; The Colbert Report; Aeon Flux: The Complete Series; The 40 Year Old Virgin; Oldboy.
Thought for the Weekend: The 11 o'clock news is leading off with a story about you - what's the headline?

I Guess It's Just Not Our Time...Yet

2006-02-01T23:13:00.000-05:00

Some news from www.ign.com that's very close to my heart. In an interview with director Richard Donner, here's what he had to say about Goonies 2:

IGNFF: A Goonies sequel has been discussed for years. I know you've gotten this question a million ways over the years, but the fans just want to know if there is still any hope. Do you think it could ever happen?

DONNER: We tried. No, I don't think so. We tried really hard. Steven and I, we pitched a couple of things to them and, quite honestly, they weren't right. And we put it aside. If I could ever find a really good handle on a screenplay for it, I'd go pitch it again, because talking about [something] I'd want to see… It's extraordinary. But it's got to be right, or don't do it, because I couldn't believe that movie. It's done to generations of kids what it's done.

IGNFF: I've shown Goonies to young kids recently, around 7 and 8 years old and they loved it. They watched it and were totally enraptured. They kept the DVD and watched it over and over.

DONNER: Awww.

IGNFF: Now they love to quote Chunk.

DONNER: You know, I still stay in touch with these kids. Chunk's a lawyer and he's great. Cory, he's doing great. He went through some s***, but he's really pulled himself out and he's clean and married and has a baby and he's the happiest kid. They're all good, they're all great. I love that movie. That's probably my favorite process of filmmaking in my life. I've fallen in love with all those kids. I was lucky because I never had kids. I never wanted kids. I wanted dogs. If I could come up with a really great concept, I would take it to Steven. And if it was really right, he'd know it too. Maybe one day Chris Columbus will write it for us and we'll get back to the old group.

***

Chunk's a lawyer? And Donner still calls him Chunk? Huh.

STATE OF THE UNION: Fuck Joementum!!

2006-02-01T08:48:00.000-05:00

Remember in junior high and high school when the Principal would make a speech at a school assembly, and people would cough the word "douchebag" at him, or else just blatantly scream out "You Suck"?

Why don't the Democrats have the testicular fortitude of high school students?

Instead they display that most powerful tool of WASP-y resistance - they don't stand and clap. And when they did clap, it was in a smug and sarcastic manner. Except for Lieberman, who's a douchebag that agrees with everything evil in this country (FUN FACT: Whenever Lieberman talks, he always sounds like Droopy trying to pass a kidney stone!).

Last night's State of the Union was depressing on so many levels. Let's start off chronologically, shall we?

-Reporters can't CONJECTURE on what they think the President will be speaking about. Guess what? The White House releases an advance copy of the speech every year. And sure, there's always a chance that the President will go rogue and actually speak off the cuff, sincerely stating his opinions, fears, and hopes with the nation....hahahaha, I'm just fuckin with you. That'll never happen.

-When the President came in, flanked by the Party Leaders of Congress, did anyone think of Wormtongue (Brad Dourif) from Lord of the Rings as Bill Frist huddled by the Commander in Chief? "He'ssssssss very tired; thessssse are all enemiessss of the sssstate. Lissssten only to meeeee." To be fair, I bet Wormtongue didn't think you can get HIV/AIDS from sweat & tears like DR. Frist.

-If I was in this Congress, when the President passed by me, and tried to shake my hand - I would do 1 of 2 things: 1) Either pull the old timey pull hand away quickly and inform President Bush that he was, in fact, "Too Slow". 2) Shake his hand vigorously, with a huge smile, and say as pleasantly as possible: "Your Mother Sucks Cocks in Hell".

-Let's get one thing straight - Bipartisanship and Debate mean that people will disagree. You can't start off trying to play the great mediator (Does anyone even know who Henry Clay is anymore?) with these words:

In a system of two parties, two chambers and two elected branches, there will always be differences and debate. But even tough debates can be conducted in a civil tone, and our differences cannot be allowed to harden into anger. To confront the great issues before us, we must act in a spirit of good will and respect for one another, and I will do my part. Tonight the state of our union is strong, and together we will make it stronger.

And then going on into this bit:

Yet there is a difference between responsible criticism that aims for success, and defeatism that refuses to acknowledge anything but failure. Hindsight alone is not wisdom. And second guessing is not a strategy.
With so much in the balance, those of us in public office have a duty to speak with candor.

Unless your opinion disagrees with mine. Bush's rules for political dialogue follow the idiom, "If you don't have anything nice to say, then don't say anything at all." It's good we're taking lessons on civil political debate from Dear Abby. The real bitch of it, though, is that he is partially right. I agree with his condemnation of the Democrats who simply say "This didn't work! He's a failure! Boo this man!" and then have no answer as to what they would do differently. "Um, pull out?" Just sit down, idiot.

-Then came this little gem:

Members of Congress, however we feel about the decisions and debates of the past, our nation has only one option. We must keep our word, defeat our enemies and stand behind the American military in this vital mission.

So if you disagreed with what I promise, it's too late! You gotta support that promise now! This is also the plot of Wayne's World 2, for those unfamiliar with politics/Mike Meyer's ouevre. Basically Wayne promises a huge event, Waynestock, one that transcends time, generations, and all expectations of previously held concerts. But of course these promises were made out of desperation and false ideology, and in the hopes of keeping Christopher Walken away from Tia Carrere. So then Wayne has to scramble to assemble some sort of a concert, and everyone that bought tickets to Wayne's show on these false promises stares blankly at an empty stage. Then Aerosmith came and saved the day. I guess my point is that, Mr. President - it's time to call Steven Tyler.

-During all of this, Bush has been making dark references to the Enemy. Apparently, the Enemy wants to use fear to control us, and will do anything to take away our freedom and liberties. Hmm...a powerful person who uses fear to control what we think, how we feel, and how we live our lives...and is willing to trample on the freedoms and civil liberties of American citizens....I wonder who this Enemy is? Huh. Sounds familiar. Like on the tip of my tongue. Oh well. Guess we'll never know. Go get those Terrorloving Fearspreaders, Mr. President! (I said the same thing last night on the phone, so I'm sure he's heard it by now)

-Ready for the catch phrase of the Republicans during the midterm elections? "...We will not sit back and wait to be hit again." Yup, that's why we tapped your phones! To protect you! Cuz if anyone knows what's best for you, it's the power drunk senior citizenry who spend their days golfing and dining on your dollar, and then at night plow many an underage hooker while proclaiming their love of Jesus. Their fingers are right on the pulse. Thanks, Congress! And did I say "your dollar"? CORRECTION - whoever will give them money (rhymes with Mabramoff).

-So I counted about 8-10 different initiatives, programs, and commissions the President wants to start up. How will this help cut down our staggering, Andre the Giant-esque deficit? "Ummm..." Okay, okay. Let's move on - at least with all of these new programs and a war going on (not to mention the upcoming Iraq War 2: Iranian Boogaloo), taxes will be raised, right? "Well...you see..." Okay. Well, I mean we're going to have to get money somehow. "This year, my budget will cut it again and reduce or eliminate more than 140 programs that are performing poorly or not fulfilling essential priorities. By passing these reforms, we will save the American taxpayer another $14 billion next year and stay on track to cut the deficit in half by 2009." Oh what programs? Oh a bunch of education programs, including federal scholarships to college? Yeah, that totally jives with your whole idea of being remembered as the "education president".

-If I was in Congress, and I disagreed with what the President was saying, I would DEFINITELY start up a chant of "Buuuuuuullshit, Buuuuuuuuullshit". Or at least have a sign that said "What a Dick!" on it that I would hold up to a camera periodically.

-America is Addicted to Oil. The man's right. We're also addicted to nicotine, crystal meth, Lost, making bad choices, alcohol, McDonald's, celebrity gossip, crack, cell phones, football, iPods, porn, Oprah, Gwen Stefani's "Hollaback Girl" (we're slowly on the mend from that one), gambling, college basketball, sex, and American Idol. One day at a time, everyone. One day at a time.

-I think the fucker can say "nuclear". I really do. I think he chooses to say "nucular" cuz it makes him sound like an old-timey good ole boy who ain't got no learnin', but man does he got some great horse sense. And that just pisses me off. I would love it, though, if Bush in repose and away from the cameras actually speaks like Thurston Howell III, and then goes into his Blue Collar Comedy Tour routine whenever it's time to meet the press. "Oh dearest me, I suppose I simply must conduct myself properly in this dreadful Fox News interview. Oh well, enough prevaricating around the bush....Howdy, y'all!"

-This is just stupid:

Tonight I propose to train 70,000 high school teachers to lead Advanced Placement courses in math and science, bring 30,000 math and science professionals to teach in classrooms and give early help to students who struggle with math, so they have a better chance at good high-wage jobs.

It begs the question, if 70,000 teachers have no one in their class, are they really teaching anyone? Honestly, it's not the inabilities of the teachers - we have dumb kids. And having some teachers who can teach a bunch of mongoloids Advance Placement classes, is simply not gonna work. Although it would make for the basis of a hilarious sitcom. Or at least Summer School 2: Advanced MISplacement. Good luck, teachers! Enjoy getting the blame when all of this blows up in our face!

-Is Bruce Villanch writing for the president now? "Wise policies such as welfare reform, drug education and support for abstinence and adoption have made a difference in the character of our country." Obviously not, cuz this shit actually made me laugh out loud. None of the programs work. None of them. They've been proven, in fact, to be detrimental. Fuckin hilarious! And this is on a tangent, but STOP WEARING THOSE FUCKING T-SHIRTS, BRUCE! No wonder the Enemy hates us so much - you embody everything horrible, mediocre, and ultimately malignant about our contry. You're a walking bumper sticker in dire need of a horrific fender bender.

-Holy Crap. Does this mean what I think it means?

Tonight I ask you to pass legislation to prohibit the most egregious abuses of medical research, human cloning in all its forms, creating or implanting embryos for experiments, creating human-animal hybrids, and buying, selling or patenting human embryos.

Lizard men? Manimals? A race of atomic super beasts with the brute strength of gorillas but the cunning and reasoning of Man? Why have I heard nothing about this until the President broke the story? Or is this actually not based on any sort of fact, but the President watched Return of Swamp Thing last night and was creeped out by the idea of a Half-Wasp/Half-Human abomination?

-Can't fault him for this:

A hopeful society acts boldly to fight diseases like H.I.V./AIDS which can be prevented and treated and defeated. More than a million Americans live with H.I.V., and half of all AIDS cases occur among African-Americans. I ask Congress to reform and reauthorize the Ryan White Act and provide new funding to states, so we end the waiting lists for AIDS medicine in America. We will also lead a nationwide effort, working closely with African-American churches and faith-based groups, to deliver rapid H.I.V. tests to millions, end the stigma of AIDS and come closer to the day when there are no new infections in America.

-Oh, and none of this is historically accurate or fairly presented.

Yet the destination of history is determined by human action, and every great movement of history comes to a point of choosing. Lincoln could have accepted peace at the cost of disunity and continued slavery. Martin Luther King could have stopped at Birmingham or at Selma and achieved only half a victory over segregation. The United States could have accepted the permanent division of Europe and been complicit in the oppression of others.

So it's good that our President only gleans history lessons from episodes of "Sherman & Mr. Peabody".

And then it ends with the obligatory "God Bless America". And fuck everyone else! To be fair, we do need all the blessings we can muster. Besides, we've always been Jesus' favorite - deal with it, Lichtenstein!

The democratic response was pretty much a passive aggressive, snivelling "With all due respect, no offense or nothing, but we can do better. Somehow." And all it really did was highlight reasons why everyone should move to Virginia. Just once I want the Oppositional Response to be the same as Joe Pesci's opening arguments from My Cousin Vinny:

"Ladies and Gentlemen - everything that guy just said is bullshit. Thank you."

Oh well, what's the state of YOUR union? And can you believe this pre-empted...wait, what the hell is even on at 9pm on Tuesday?

Hollaback! (I guess I'm off the wagon)

Gym Teacher Bob Wilkins Tries to Turn the Faculty at Brooks Junior High School into a Ninja Death Squad

2006-01-30T10:02:00.000-05:00

Well, thanks, Mrs. Rosenblatt for giving me the floor. And congratulations on your recent interview in the local newspaper.

Now I know I'm supposed to be talking about the budget for my P.E. classes, or how the girls softball team is going to do this season, but I thought I would switch gears for just a second, if you'd let me.

Recently, I was at home, watching the television as I tend to do on my days off. I was going through the channels with the clicker, and I happened upon a movie: Delta Force 2: The Columbian Connection. Ladies and Gentlemen - This. Movie. Changed. My. Life. Starring one Mr. Chuck Norris. Now, I drifted in and out of the movie, but the main point was clear: Mr. Norris was able to assemble a rag-tag, rough n tough group of ninjas in order to rescue some DEA agents and take on a South American drug kingpin.

Ladies and Gentlemen of Brooks Junior High School - I propose we assemble our own Ninja Death Squad! Come on!

Sure, people think teachers can change the world. We all know that's bunk. I say the real people who are changing this world - doin' some good in it - are Ninjas. And with a little training, some elbow grease, and a lot of determination, I think we can become an elite Ninja Death Squad - handing out justice like hall passes during Health class.

Now, being on the Ninja Death Squad isn't going to be for everyone. Mrs. Halloran, for example - you lack the killer instincts and sensibilities needed to be part of an unstoppable vigilante force. Not trying to pick on you, but it's true. You don't have that blood lust that I get from Martin over here. Yes, You, Martin. I've seen that look in your eyes whenever you start talking about the Doppler Effect with your seventh graders. Their eyes glaze over, but your pupils explode with an inferno of rage. And so there will be cuts, but we will be stronger for it. And those that don't make the Ninja Death Squad shouldn't be bitter, but instead should celebrate the fact that their peers are working towards a brighter tomorrow free from Evil, South American drug lords, and...oh let's say, Robots. I guess we could fight robots. Why the hell not? We'll be freakin' ninjas.

I think with the right leadership, we could be a force of righteousness to be reckoned with. Who is qualified to lead us? Off hand I can only think of one man: Chuck Norris. But he's an incredibly important person with a very busy schedule, what with his constant appearances at various Walker, Texas Ranger fan conventions. I seriously doubt he would have the time to mold us into the lethal blow dart of justice that we may become. "So, without Sensei Norris, who can lead us?", I hear you asking. Well, if I may be so bold, I'd like to humbly suggest myself.

Why should I be the Alpha Ninja? Good question. First of all, I'm tall and athletic. The rest of you are rather frumpy looking. No offense. Now, Linda, don't take it like that. You're just starting off as clay -doughy, pasty clay- to be molded into a fast and fit fighting machine. I, on the other hand, already strike menace and fear into the hearts of the children here at Brooks. They see me, my whistle, and a red rubber ball, and I guarrantee you'll see some sweat and some tears. Also, I'm a natural born leader - I coached our ladies softball team, the Cougarettes, into three consecutive second place finishes over the past 4 years.

Yes, Bill, I know - your precious Mathletes have been the champions for 5 years running. But c'mon, Bill--mathletes? When we're facing down the nation's enemies, I don't think the quadratic equation is going to help us. And yes, Marsha, I know what the Quadratic Equation is. Try not to look so shocked. Either way, we don't have to settle the question about "Who's Gonna Be Alpha Ninja" right now. I'm just throwing my hat into the ring. That's all. Just putting my name out there.

Moving on, I brought with me some items to help familiarize ourselves to the Ninja lifestyle. First up is this little fella right here. This is a throwing star. Shiny, ennit? I bought like 40 of these lil buggers at a flea market over the weekend. Please be careful with them. As you can tell by the colorful and expansive collection of Band-Aids on my hands, these bastards are very sharp and very tricky. Feel free to pass this around, get to know our deadly arsenal of Justice.

Next up, I think you'll really like this one, it's a - Okay, what happened? Betty? Betty? Are you okay, Betty? I told you to be careful with those pointy stars of death, didn't I? Didn't I, Betty? Ok - see this is why we need leadership and this is why some people will not make the Squad. Well, Betty, you're the nurse - you take care of it yourself. Go on now. Maybe next time we'll listen to Alpha Ninja instead of handling these things willy nilly.

No, Bill - we didn't decide I was the Alpha Ninja, already. I was just saying it to make sure people would learn from Betty's mistakes. Now, Bill, if we just get into this infighting we'll...

...No, I don't think it was irresponsible of me to bring in a deadly ninja throwing star, Brenda. Well, I think it's just that we shouldn't let feeble retards like Betty handle the throwing stars. Now, Betty, stop crying! Dammit, some people just aren't cut out to become--

Bill! Not now, okay! Let's all just simmer down! We're losing focus! Do you know what we'll be facing as a Ninja Death Squad?

That's right, Hector - Robots. Well, more than just Robots. But the point is, Robots do more than call us "Feeble Retards".

Fine! Feeble Mentally Challenged People! Whatever, Marsha! That's not the point! No, it's not the point!

Okay! You know what? Forget it! I thought maybe we here at Joseph Brooks Junior High School were ready to deal out some justice with our fists, and some throwing stars, and maybe a sword or two. Yes, Hector, I got a couple of swords.

No! You don't get to see them. You've ruined it, and quite frankly, I'm very put off by this whole ordeal. I will be starting my own rogue Ninja Death Squad of one. Yes, it can still be a Squad if it's one person, Bill. Well, you know, maybe I'll get together with some of the teachers at the High School. Yeah! I will see about that! I think I have a lot to offer, thank you very much!

Now give me back the throwing star! Come on. C'mon, c'mon, c'mon! Just pass it forward. You guys are all jerks. I wanted to share something cool with you, maybe right some wrongs in the world, but all you proved is that you are not ready to handle the ninja's code of justice.

Cuz you know what's rule number one in the Ninja Code?

You don't stick yourself with the goddamn throwing stars and you don't cry when the alpha ninja calls you retarded!

Those are rules one and two. So there. That's all I had. Ruined again.

Oh, and there's gonna be a car wash to raise some money for the Cougarettes this weekend. Or some such bullshit.

Yeah, yeah, yeah...Go Cougars. Whatever.

Fuck Raindrops on Roses!

2006-01-28T17:39:00.000-05:00

Well, I've got a cold.

I swear, since movin to NYC last July, I've been healthy for maybe a grand total of 3.5 weeks. Now sure, some people could say it's because I don't sleep, exercise, and/or eat properly, and because I smoke, drink, live in filth, and have a stressed out & overall negative mentality. That's what some people might say.

My theory?

Gypsies. Evil, ornery, spiteful gypsies.

So this weekend I've been in and out of a Sudafed coma all weekend (complete with Sudafed dreams - including one where I'm smashing all the windows in a building because Dinner has to be on time...I don't get it either). And when I'm not passed out, I find myself wallowing in the misery that is a stuffy nose and a high phlegm content (and yes, ladies, I AM single. Wink.). But then I jumped up and decided to spread the word about The Whitest Kids You Know's "Dr. Jones" video. I think it's absolutely hilarious, and enjoy it so much. This elation pushed me into spreading the word - so I sent it to the comedians Bex Schwartz, Christian Finnegan, Harry @ Ain't It Cool News, and Chris Ryall @ www.moviepoopshoot.com. It's that odd dichotomy of being a nerdster (nerd/hipster): you want to spread the word about something you like, but you also want to keep it private and to yourself, less the masses spoil it. But, more often than not, I side with getting the word out, and did so for The Whitest Kids again. And so in order to escape the melancholia that being sick brings about, I'm gonna surround myself (mentally at least) with some of my favorite things. It's a recap for a lot of people who know me, but for anyone else - this is what I'm into these days. Maybe you'll find something you like, or see something/someone you hate. As always, the only way anyone will know is if you leave a comment. Here we go:

Salt & Vinegar Potato Chips - Starting off safe. No one can get offended by a flavor of potato chip, can they? And these things are dericious. Especially following an evening of drinking and douchebaggery. Wash down that uncomfortable joke with some Salt & Vinegar chips, or forget about those awkward moments after you made a pass at your friend with a little help from these chips. I should be their PR rep.
Jonathan Lethem - After a long, drag out, nasty little fight, Mr. Lethem walks away as the clear winner as my favorite author (Also, I think the runners up, Tom Robbins & Gabriel Garcia Marquez, are lovers not fighters). No, lil NY scenesters, it's not cuz Fortress of Solitude is so hip and hey I know where Brooklyn is now! It's because his entire body of work is diverse and brilliant. He delves into sci-fi, romance, comedy, drama, detective fiction, and autobiography - occasionally all in the same book. He has taken the reins of American Magical Realism and uses it to stunning effect in Fortress of Solitude, but it is even better rendered in Men & Cartoons, one of his short story collections. He makes a bunch of nerdy references to music, and comic books, and pop culture, and literary cliches, and makes them all work together. If I were to sell people on his work, I would say read Men & Cartoons, then Fortress of Solitude, then Gun with Occasional Music, then The Disappointment Artist, and then I leave the rest to your discretion. The guy's a brilliant, brilliant man and funny as hell. And I hear he's working on a revamp of short lived and incredibly obscure 70s comic Omega the Unknown for Marvel Comics. Pretty sweet for a nerdster from Brooklyn.
The Flaming Lips - Best band I've ever seen live. Anxiously, and nervously, awaiting their newest album - At War with the Mystics. I've gotten three leaked tracks ("The W.A.N.D., "Mr Ambulance Driver", and a third whose title is unknown), and while they don't share the catchiness and immediacy of Yoshimi's leaked tracks, I can clearly see myself geeking out to them more and more in the future. Can't wait for that new album. And for anyone unfamiliar with the band, I recommend The Fearless Freaks, the documentary detailing the band's rise from ghetto outcasts to Alternative Icons. It's really an interesting documentary, and in one scene when the Lips' musical genius Stephen Drozd is shooting up and detailing how much he hates heroin, it transcends a simple fan letter to a geek's favorite band and becomes a compelling look at a bunch of artists trying to create something new and real. Oh, here's the tracklist for the new album, in case any of y'all haven't seen it or are curious:
01 The Yeah Yeah Yeah Song
02 Free Radicals
03 The Sound of Failure/It's Dark...Is It Always This Dark??
04 My Cosmic Autumn Rebellion
05 Vein of Stars
06 The Wizard Turns On...
07 It Overtakes Me/The Stars Are So Big, I Am So Small...Do I Stand a Chance?
08 Mr. Ambulance Driver
09 Haven't Got a Clue
10 The W.A.N.D.
11 Pompeii Am Gotterdammerung
12 Goin' On
Idiotwork.com - Go here and watch some HILARIOUS clips. I know, it's just simple juxtaposition, but damn if I don't find myself laughing every time. I also happen to love seeing the Green Lantern be a dick to Superman, in TPS. And when Beast Man screams at that Rabbit dude in the He-Man/Gummo smash up, well that's just adorable.
The Feeling I Get From Listening To and Enjoying Jazz - This is horrible. But when I find some jazz I really like (Miles Davis, In A Silent Way, Sketches of Spain, Birth of Cool, etc. John Coltrane, Blue Train, Lush Life; etc), and can sit there and listen to it, it makes me feel intelligent. It's so weird; but hasn't jazz taken on a scholarly aspect to it these days? I know it started in the speakeasies and poolhalls of the oppressed and the poor, but since then it has become elevated and revered and touted as American's most ingenious invention (outside of those Doggy Steps. Man, that's just awesome - lil steps for your dog. Give these people the Nobel prize, already!). But when I'm listening to a jazz album, and digging on it, then suddenly I feel like "I get it". Maybe that's just me. It's the same sensation I get when I enjoy NPR. Like I'm independently choosing to do something that's respected and thought of as intelligent. Or perhaps I've said too much. Damn you, Sudafed - it's acting like sodium pentathol in my blood!
The American Version of The Office - The first season (which was only 6 or so episodes) wasn't that good. But since they decided to shed the shadow of the absolutely brilliant UK version, and written their own plot lines and scripts, this show has become brilliant. While I don't think Dwight is as funny or interesting as Gareth, nor Jim/Pam's love angle as compelling as Tim & Dawn's, this show still delivers the goods. Especially with all of the secondary characters, who seem more fleshed out and interesting than their British counterparts. And once again, Steve Carrell proves himself to be a brilliant performer. It would be great to see Carrell's Michael and Ricky Gervais's Brent at some sort of convention together, each trying to top the other or pick up the same girl. Either way, if NBC picked up Arrested Development, renews Scrubs, and put these three with My Name is Earl, you'd have one of the best, funniest, and innovative nights on television. And I know that NBC execs are glued to this blog, so listen - Do it. Get Arrested Development. Renew Scrubs. Make this happen. Cuz I don't think anyone's watching Surface, and you can't keep coming up with Law & Orders to fill the holes in your sinking ship. Come on, NBC!
You're Losing Me, Lost - Yes, I still watch this show. Yes, I'm addicted and very much interested in the outcome. But Lost is definitely not the same show as it was last season. Last season was all about what Magicians refer to as "the Prestige". It was a shocking revelation. Yes, there was an ongoing mystery of the island and of the other characters, how they were all connected, etc. But mainly you'd watch for this shocking flashback which seemed to compliment the Island story. In the present season, the flashback is there only because that seems to be the necessary form of an episode. And there are no shocking GASP revelations as there were in Season 1 - everything is telegraphed way in advance (Nigerian plane & priests, Shannon's death, the fact that the Others aren't goin to kill Kate, etc). Maybe it's because a handful of writers left the show following the end of season 1 (David Fury and Paul Dini, especially). It's not the same genre bending mindfuck. And more often than not, I find myself thinking the characters are a bunch of retards who have no idea how to communicate with each other for no other reason than for the necessity of the writers. And yet, I keep coming back, hoping to solve the mystery. I love it, I hate it, I love it, I hate it, I love it...etc. Oh, and stop taking so much goddamn time off in between episodes. It kills the momentum and puts a strain on people to remember every detail that the writers cram into an episode and later reference.
Mr. Goodbar - it's so simple and classic...you just can't fuck with it. Delicious! Treat yourself to one today. Unless you're diabetic. Then use your head and don't listen to disembodied voices on the internet.
Miller's Crossing - True, the Coen Bros. have fallen a lil short in recent times (Ladykillers was downright boring, but I did really like Intolerable Cruelty). But this movie is still a great film and showcases their genius and originality. And I always find myself quoting it for weeks afterwards. "Don't give me the high hat - I HATE the high hat!" Bravo to the Brothers for coming up with brilliant and original Slang. The film looks amazing, too, as shot by Barry Sonnenfeld, and there are so many great characters and scenes. It's like the dark underbelly of The Big Lebowski. If you haven't seen this movie, please check it out. You'll love it, if only for one character or line.
Chess & Pool - I'm not good at anything remotely competitive or physical. That extends to pool & chess, neither of which are very physically exerting nor intensely competitive. But in other endeavors, I would grow frustrated and embarrassed by my complete lack of ability. But these two games are so much fun, and so engaging, that I have no problem playing them and sucking out loud. I also enjoy Poker, but I sometimes find myself being rather good at that game. My secret? X-Ray specs. Shhhh...don't tell anyone.

That's about it for now. I'm starting to fade with the 'Fed now. But please discuss and leave some of your thoughts on this page. And thanks to everyone that's been commenting thus far. You guys are the heroes, the legends, the wind beneath my beautiful wings.

Keeps it realz!

What I Would Have Said at the Enraged Person from Ricoh's Accounts Receivable Department Had He Not Abruptly Hung Up on Me After Our Screaming Match

2006-01-23T17:40:00.000-05:00

...Oh, that's just 'how much I owe', huh? Well, sir, I don't see how you can arbitrarily--no, sir, I don't.
...
What? Well, as I've already stated to you - TEN TIMES, ALREADY, SIR - we just sent the checks to another department in Ricoh. And yet somehow-And yet somehow-AND YET SOMEHOW, SIR, these checks got cashed. How is this possible, and yet there's no credit in Ricoh's system?
...
No, I don't expect you to "run these checks down." But...
...
Yes, but--
...
No. No. No. No, I don't think that's fair nor is that accurate. SIR, AGAIN I REMIND YOU TO KEEP A CIVIL TONE WITH ME! Now then, I am MORE than willing to work with you to iron out these problems, but if you continue in this manner--
...
SIR!
...
Sir, I--
...
OKAY! That's enough! I have sat here and listened to your barrage of idiocy while you scream and yell at me like a petulant child. Now you WILL shut up, and if you HAVE to speak, you WILL keep a civil tone. Is that understood? Is that Understood, sir?
...
Is. That. Understood.
...
All right. Now, I don't know what your problem is and, quite frankly, I don't care. All i know is that if you EVER talk to me like that again--
...
No, if YOU ever--
...
No, if YOU ever--
...
No. You--
...
Shut the fuck up! Now then, I am sorry that your company is equal parts retarded and incompetent. That must be a drag.
...
I SAID SHUT YOUR MOUTH! I am sorry your company is a ship of fools, but we have cut checks to your company and they have been cashed BY your company. Now, I'm not surprised that you can't this money or these checks - I'm pretty sure you couldn't find your dick with two hands and a flashlight. But be that as it may, your company had no problem taking our money. If it was allocated to the wrong department, then that is unfortunate. Because it means extra work for you, sir.
...
This conversation is over, sir.
...
Yes it is.
...
Yes, yes it is.
...
Listen! You will resolve this issue on your own, you will track down the missing funds that we have already allocated to your company and have already been deposited by your company. You WILL NOT call here again, and if you choose to do so, you will speak quietly and politely or else I will come down to your craphole office in Jersey and beat you within an inch of your pathetic and worthless life, you walking pile of dysentery! Take care of your business, and do NOT call back here. Lest I am forced to respond in either violence, or simply by speaking with your supervisor about your appalling lack of tact and civility.
...
Good day, sir!
...
I BELIEVE I SAID, "GOOD DAY"!

(Alas, all I could do was scream "Oh Fuck this" to the dial tone, and then get him in trouble with his company. It wasn't nearly as satisfying. Anyone else have any tales of rage they would like to revise and share?)

It's a Smorgasbord of Fantastic!

2006-01-23T11:19:00.000-05:00

Hey, y'all! Firstly, thanks to everyone who's been commenting. Keep it up! And please don't be afraid to talk to/about each other - like Erin did by referencing Drew's terrific nod to the infamous Chicken Dances of the Californian Bluths.

And now, for this post, here's some potpourri:

Flava Flav! Causes Cognitive Dissonance - All right, I'll admit it. Flav - ya got me. I didn't want you to, I resisted and guffawed and sarcastically distanced myself from you and your new show, The Flavor of Love. But I had to break down and enjoy your romantic hijinks as you have women battle it out for your attention, affection, and maybe they're very own clock and catchphrase. Why is this show enjoyable? Here's the recipe for success: Take a bunch of the craziest, skankiest, drunkiest, cattiest bitches in America, and throw them into a bedroom. Next, add the scent of competition over attention and television screen time. Add a healthy serving of a crack addicted, retarded gangbanger with a hyperactive case of ADD and a penchant for rhyming couplets. Stir in with stupid challenges, inlfated egos, pithy editing. And season with buckets of chicken & magnums of Champagne. Bon Appetit! But a paradox exists within The Flavor of Love (as voiced by my roommate, Panthro), and it arises if you end up liking one of the girls - in our case, the one nicknamed Hoopz. She's cute, seems nice, funny, and fairly real (although she did threaten to beat up the resident psycho, New York, but constantly saying "dawg" and "bro", but i love her BECAUSE of these idiosyncrasies, not despite them). So I like Hoopz, she's OK in my book. But here's the problem: I don't really want her to win the show and end up with Flava Flav. I like her too much to be with that little meth'd up munchkin and his barrage of catchphrases. But on the other hand, I don't like seeing her passed over or losing to the other cumdumpsters in the house. Such a dilemma. So go on, Hoopz, with ya bad self...but don't win. Maybe disqualification? Like she wins but then immediately recuses herself from being Mrs. Flav? That would be sweet.
Now If Someone Could Synch up "Round Here" with Scenes from Tatooine - I've told y'all before about the HIGH-larious antics of The Whitest Kids You Know. To see their schedule, as long as some products of theirs, and some clips of their skits & videos, go here. But even more impressive is this absolutely brilliant lil video of theirs which takes everyone's favorite prepubescent asian sidekick and gives him a theme song. Holy Smoke Crash Landing, indeed.
I don't Remember This in Fodor's Guide to Eastern Europe - You know, I enjoyed Hostel. I was one of the people that went on the opening weekend, and helped it earn close to 4 times as much as its budget in those three days. It's not Citizen Kane. But it's also not Raising Cain (I guarrantee that, while it's not the most obscure reference, maybe 2 people know what the hell I am talking about). It's a fun movie. It's the only time i've ever seen long lines for a film that stretch that far out. Maybe once for a Star Wars film. But this was ever type of people: wannabe thug angels, hipsters, scenesters, post-hipsters, latino heatsters, hoochie mamas, teenie boppers, and the socially depraved (i live in the East Village, what do you expect?). And once the lights went down, people were into it. The jokes were funny, and it did a great job relaxing everyone and getting to know these characters before they are slowly & viscerally ripped apart. It's not amazing cinema, or groundbreaking in terms of gore or taboo subject matter. But it's a very entertaining ride filled with boobs, blood, buddies, more blood, and even more boobs. If you've seen any Japanese horror, particularly Miike's work, than this is all old hat. But it's still fun to see people squirm, scream, jump, and simply shake their heads asking for mercy from the images being bombarded at them. Oh, and speaking of Miike - he makes a cameo in the film. He's the asian dude that says "It's Dangerous in there. You could spend all of your money if you're not careful." Pretty great for a complete psychopath. So I'd give Hostel a 8/10. But you don't have to take MY word for it, right, Levar Burton?
Looking at Those Khakis Makes Me Feel the Exact Same Way- Here's a great lil commercial/film Spike Jonze made for The Gap. Not only is it a hilarious free for all, but it's also a very nice subversive piece of anticorporate film masquerading as advertising. Pretty brilliant if you think about. And to think this guy started off making videos of skaters faceplanting.
When Have Pretentious Hipster Critics EVER Been Guilty of Hyperbole? - I've heard a bunch of cuts off of the new Strokes album. First of all, they may have chosen one of the worst songs of all time to be their single. It's definitely the worst song on the album. "Juicebox" sounds like something Foo Fighters or Queens of the Stone Age would think about recording, and then realize that they have standards, too (For the record - I've liked QOTSA for a long time now, so don't be hatin'). And while I liked The Strokes first album, Is This It?, I found it entertaining. I didn't think it was the Rock Revolution that people have been waiting for since Lennon was shot. It's nothing new, and wouldn't suddenly redefine Rock As We Know It. BUT, it's damn fine party, drinkin in the dorm room music. You can sing along with it, jump and dance and act like a goofball and have a great lil soundtrack to accompany all of your Shenanigans. Can't say the same for Room on Fire. While it is fine for filler or background music, it's nothin new from a band that was ALREADY doin nothin new. And while the newest album, First Impressions of Planet Earth, is a step away from there same old sound, it's one step forward and one step to the side. Unfortunately, the side is not so good. The first song is pretty good, but not as great as I've heard from others, and ultimately the entire album seems like they decided on a new identity but really want to maintain their old uniforms. Overall, I would recommend people just skipping this, maybe listening to it and trying to find what singles you like and just download those. Also - these New York prep boys need to stop acting like their slumming it, especially after goin on repeated world tours. And the drummer should stop schtuppin Drew Barrymore. She's not for you, you damned dirty scenester! Her bra-less courage is mine to own! Mine and mine alone!
The Amazing Regressing Manchild - So the last couple of great books that I've recently read were comic books. Yup, you read that correctly: Comic books. Helloooo, ladies. Too sexy for ya? Let me turn down this heat. In all seriousness, Robert Kirkman's Invincible is AMAZING. At one glance, it's a simple cookie cutter tale that blends The Incredibles with Spiderman. The ongoing series tells the tale of the titular superhero, a Young Teenage Boy, son of a powerful Supermanesque hero, slowly discovers his powers and embarks into a life of crimefighting and supersleuthing just like his father. But then things take an interesting turn and Invincible must make a choice. The series is funny and smartly written, matching much of the same pace, tone, and brilliance of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. But it's also so earnest. It's just a pure take on the teenage hero who must make hard choices and is yet to be jaded, even when the cynical world of reality rears its ugly head. The other book I've read that was very exciting and amazingly brilliant was Grant Morrison's We3. This miniseries is incredibly simple in premise and execution, and yet it's still incredibly exciting and pretty surprising. It's funny, and sweet, and violent, and brutal. It's like Homeward Bound meets Robocop as three animals (who have been augmented into cybernetic killing machines by the army) break loose and try to escape from their creators, who now want to destroy them in favor of a new arms program. Watching the RoboDog, CyberCat, and Bionic Bunny interact is filled with the comedy & cuteness of a Disney cartoon, while there's the bloodshed and hyperkinetic action of a Samurai anime. It's a quick read, weird, and thoroughly entertaining. So go check it out.
It NEVER Gets Old!!!!! - So my Pats lost. It's okay. You can't be great all the time. I just wished they didn't look so shabby when losing to the Dolphins. Although watching Brady hit the ref in the face with the football was a very nice reference to Varsity Blues. See? Brady's a regular guy. And after some nasty, and embarraskin, playoff games, it's gonna be Seahawks vs. Steelers in the Showdown in Motown (I just came up with that!). My Schadenfreude itch was scratched by watching both the Mannings eat shit. Sure, I wanted the Colts to win for Dungy, but on the other hand - fuck Peyton. He seems like a stick in the mud, and probably thinks Blue Collar Tour is funny. And as for Eli - he's one of the two quarterbacks I hate the most in the NFL (the other is the criminally overrated and consummate choke artist Chris Sims). I was glad the Giants were shown to be the pathetic hacks that they are. Although none of it compared to my favorite moment of the season, when homophobe mongoloid Jeremy Shockey got to revel in how pathetic and retarded he truly is. Shocking, wasn't it? Nyuk, Nyuk, Nyuk. Anyways, I hear you asking - who do I got in the Showdown in Motown (catchy, ennit?)? My heart says Seahawks, but my brain says Steelers. And while I have no money on the matter, I'm goin with the Seahawks. If I were a bettin' man, I'd go with the Iron Maidens. Then again, I don't really do sports.
Have They LOST it? Hi-Yo! - Apparently on last week's episode of Lost, during Jack's flashback, a date was printed on the old italian man's X-Rays. It said November 16, 2005. Now in this flashback, Jack's dad is still alive. And we know that until his death his infamous line about fate is "That's why the Red Sox will never win the world series". And since it's clear that he wasn't being ironic, he must have said this before the Red Sox actually won the world series a full year before in October 2004. So WTF, Lost? Have you slipped up or this deliberate and just not make any sense? Help me, Internet; you're my only hope. Omigod, in a way - that was two lil bits on sports. Holy Schnikies! Call Guinness!
THERE'S SOMETHING IN MY EYE!!!! - What I'm Watching on TV: Lost, Flavor of Love, Project Runway, the demise of Arrested Development, Scrubs, Battlestar Galactica, The Boondocks (The MLK episode was AMAZING), My Name is Earl, Jeopardy, The Office, Distraction, TV SPOTLIGHT - Perfect Hair Forever. From the creators of Aqua Teen Hungerforce comes this brilliant send up of all things anime while also being absolutely hilarious. Of particular note is Hot Dog, the singing hot dog (LAlalalalalaaaa...). Brilliant, weird, but so much fun. Also, watch for rapper MF Doom as the Giraffe.
GET THAT OUT OF MY EAR - What I'm Listening to: This American Life; Shugo Tokumari, Night Pieces; Loudon Wainwright III, "The Swimming Song"; Iron & Wine + Calexico, In the Reins; nearLY, "Liars Day"; Chameleons, "Up the Down Escalator"; Wolf Parade, Apologies to the Queen Mary; Seu Jorge, The Life Aquatic Studio Sessions; Explosions in the Sky, How Strange, Innocence; Nine Inch Nails, Still; Iron & Wine, Creek Drank the Cradle; Otis Redding, Otis Blue; Chris Parnell & Andy Samberg, "Lazy Sunday". Leaked songs from The Flaming Lips' At War with the Mystics.
Quote of the week: "I can Swim in Existence, but for this mystical soaring I am too heavy." - Kierkegaard