The Power of Grayskull vs. The Secret of the Ooze

For those of you out there that know me, y'all know I like to play a game I like to call "Versus". What Versus entails is picking two unrelated (yet somehow similar) entities and having them engage in a physical match of strength, will, and daring. It's like VH1's "Best Week Ever" meets Thunderdome. For example, who would win in a fight between Ronald Macdonald and KFC's Colonel Sanders? Now while the obvious answer may be Colonel Sanders because of his military training plus his southern background which belies a certain ruthlessness, I'm gonna have to go with Ronald. He's a creepy clown that hangs out with children and oddly fantastical creatures all day. He presides over a company that is slowly enlarging our children, forcing them to fatten up and be unable to run away should danger (say, in the form of some sort of Cannibalistic Clown) ever approach them. Also, anything that can tame and befriend The Grimace deserves to be respected and should never be underestimated. But now onto the main bout:

He-Man vs. The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

(To clarify, I'm talking about the 1980s cartoon version of He-Man; the one that spawned wave after wave of action figures. Not the Dolph Lundgren or recent cartoon remake of the Master of the Universe...although I would like to see Dolph Lundgren's He-Man fight Drago, The Russian Giant from Rocky IV. Now THAT'S a fight. And the four turtles in question are the early nineties cartoon version, not the Henson created movie monstrosities or the new anime fetish version 3.0 on cartoon network, or even the rugged and ironic comic book versions.)

Just the main characters from two cheesy cartoons of my youth fighting it out...for, let's say, my love! Let's look at the facts:

Pros:

He-Man: This guy has a title: MASTER OF THE UNIVERSE. Maybe he's an egoist, maybe he's a bullshit artist. Either way, that's a damn impressive title. Way more impressive than that T-shirt I got for eating the entire Bellybuster Ice Cream Trough at Chadwick's (that was also the night I disovered I am lactose intolerant...much to my horror). He's powered by Mysticism. Sorcery. Black Magic. You don't fuck with that shit. You fire a missile at him, and guess what?, his magic is able to block that missile. Magic has a tendency to make up its own rules as it goes. But either way, He-Man is clearly strong, fast, and can wield a broad sword like a sonovabitch. He also faces off against all manner of mutated demons, that seem to be created out of both sorcery and science. He has a castle that he resides in, he's a Prince in his alter ego, and his cat is a BADASS TIGER that becomes an even BIGGER & MORE BADASS TIGER when they transform. Clearly, this dude's got it goin on.

TMNT: Four of them. Count 'em. Named after renaissance artists. I'll let MC Hammer do the introductions on this one, from his hit song (not sure about that, but it should've been a hit) "Turtle Power":
Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello
make up the team with one other fellow
Raphael
he's the leader of the group
Although, I believe in the cartoon (and even in the movie) that Leonardo was the leader of the group. Small discrepancy between me and The Hammer (please, Hammer, don't hurt me!).
The point is, there is four of them. That means that combined they can put out a lot of strength, speed and agility. They will tend to have the numbers on their sides. Not that that's necessary, since they are FRICKIN NINJAS!
Ninjas are badass. They're these iconic figures, mysterious and deadly, yet nimble and quick; they do the damage of a hurricane with all of the commotion of a gentle summer's breeze. Ninjas get cool weapons like swords, bo, sais, and nunchukus. That's pretty sweet. Each of these things can kickass in new and profoundly different ways. So being a ninja is pretty sweet...and if you don't believe me check out this site: http://www.realultimatepower.net/
So that's one fourth of their names. They're also Turtles. Turtles are cute little creatures, but also have a cool natural defense mechanism in the shell. And when they bite down on something, brother watch out, cuz that thing is gonna stay bitten! Also the turtle and its shell provide for a lot of puns, which is infinitely important in the realm of kids' cartoons, and apparently, also necessary for witty banter with whatever foe the heroes happen to be facing that day.
Last three points of strength for TMNT:
-They're young, which means that they've got a lot of energy and speed, and also endurance.
-They enjoy pizza which makes them really really cool to a fourth grade boy that also enjoys pizza (although will one day find out the pain that it causes his stomach and ass region).
-They inspired the two seminal rappers of the 90s to write songs for them. Of course I speak of MC Hammer's "Turtle Power" and Vanilla Ice's "Ninja Rap". How sweet is that? "go ninja go ninja go!"

And now the CONS:

TMNT - Yes they are young, which means they'll make mistakes. They haven't been in the game long enough to understand that sometimes you need patience, that sometimes might doesn't always make right, that sometimes dairy can become your enemy over night. Plus they don't have any real powers. I mean, their mutants, but not in the cool "blow shit up X-Men" way. Instead it's more like the "toxic spill/are they carcinogenic?" way. And they're mutated turtles no less. Not known for their speed or agility. Sure they're fast now, but in a few years, who knows? Maybe they'll lock up and never come out of their shell. Plus they live in the sewer. Who knows what type of diseases they pick up down there. I mean, with all of that fecal matter floating around, along with the "ooze" and other biohazardous material...the Turtles could really be hurting when it comes to rumble hour. And while they're training in ninjitsu gives them excellent powers of stealth, in a toe to toe match up against an opponent like He-Man, that would be unnecessary. Also, half of their weapons are made of wood. Wood + Enchanted Metal Sword = Bad News for Hoes.

HE-MAN: First off, he's got an alter ego. That means trouble. No alter ego, no conflict; just one persona that has to be dealt with. Two personas? Fuhgeddaboutit. What if Prince Adam's mom is abucted by the Turtles? If he had no relation to her, as He-Man he could just shoot the hostage (in this case stab the hostage) and take her out of the equation. But since it's his mom, it's gonna get a little complicated. Also He-Man's gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that, in theory; but in practice, and since he's still in the closet, it can be source of psychological warfare should the turtles be able to pick up on it--although, since they're teens and don't even seem to notice girls yet it's unlikely they will be curious or informed about the sexual orientation of otherworldly royalty. Plus, He-Man's enemies aren't the fiercest. Sure, they're these odd fantastical beasts that also seem bred out of alien technology, but they're also bumbling fools. TMNT's gotta face robots, ninjas, robot ninjas, some dude called Shredder, an evil Brain that lives in a badass robot, aliens from Dimension X, other mutants, and some things called Mousers. He-Man faces a bag of bones and a brute named "Beast Man". Honestly, "BEAST MAN"? Pretty lame, He-Man. Although Skeletor gets props as being the second best cartoon villain ever (after Cobra Commander). And lastly, He-Man didn't have any formal training in being He-Man. He just has a sword, and suddenly all of this power is given to him. The Turtles trained. They lived and breathed ninjitsu and know the sacrifices necessary to be where they are. They are determined. But how prepared are they?

My final call?

HE-MAN.

He truly is the master of the universe. Donatello and Michaelangelo would be taken out early due to their lack of metal instruments and He-Man's unstoppable Mystic Blade. With them out of the picture, that means the smart one and the cool one are out, respectively. That just leaves the leader and the sarcastic one (nee "the leader of the group"). This would create a 2 on 1 situation where the Turtles would have the chance to dominate. However, while Raphael would be busy making some flippant comment about He-Man's loin cloth, the Master of the Universe would slice through Raph's shell. This would be unheard of as nothing ever penetrates the shell, and yet this bicurious young prince made short work of it! The death of his three brothers enrages Leonardo, making him become emotional, and therefore lose all of his focus and skill; he would become intense, but sloppy. He-Man would take him down shortly and reclaim the prize as the biggest badass.

Tell me what you think would happen.
Or just call me retarded, but dammit, write something!