Consider Yourself Duly Warned, Ms. Simpson!

So help me Christ, if I hear Ashlee Simpson allign getting a fucking haircut with being an adult, I'm going to track her down and beat her within an inch of her life with my shoe. I despise MTV, and try not to watch it, but much like Hostess products and underage Thai hookers, I tend to lose my control and vigilance and lapse into watching it every now and then. Sometimes to see high school kids experience existential dread (see previous posts), sometimes to see blurred breasts; I'll own up to it. And I manage to always see the tail-end of an episode of "The Ashlee Simpson Show" in which she says she's starting to come into her own, and "getting my hair cut and making a video--these are my decisions that reflect that." Or some such.

Ashlee, since I know you read my blog all the time (she's always emailing me asking, when I'm going to post again) I feel like I should say something: Adulthood is a little more than deciding to "take a little off the top".

Being an adult means taking responsibility for your actions. This includes those awkward moments when you embarrass yourself in front of a national audience by becoming a hypocrite and being found out as a fraud. It's times like those that the Adult will step forward and declare "I'm a douchebag. I'm sorry." Instead of blaming a disease fresh from the zeitgeist, or your poor band that still hopes that one day it'll be a real band, and that Avril Lavaigne's band will stop calling them "posers".

Adulthood means the death of innocence, of naivete, but not necessarily the passing of wonder. You can still be amazed that people like you, lampreys of talent, can become rich celebrities for producing nothing positive or entertaining. And think: If you were busy soulsearching, you wouldn't have had time to perform at the Orange Bowl, getting booed off stage like so much Gallagher.

Adulthood is when you realize what's important in your life. Like family, both the family that you sponge off to get your career, and the family that is sponging and manipulating you...incestuously staring at you as you make videos or do risque adds. Seriously, I can't wait for the "special episode" of Newlyweds when Nick Lachey catches Papa Simpson whacking it to an issue of Cosmo with daughter Jessica on the cover. Talk about awkward moments with the in-laws! (Wacky sound effect added later by MTV)

Love and Friendship is an important part of adulthood as well. These key ingredients help you blossom, becoming a more profound person. You get to see new sides to yourself, you get to expand your personality and mind through your interactions. You realize that your solipsistic world is a mere childhood fantasy, but in fact you are part of a large collective, a whole interactive environment of other people and other personalities. And if you choose to love and/or be friends with a no-talent assdouche like Ryan Cabrera you will bring forth nothing to this world but an apocalyptic seed of misery and bland pop songs.

And while we're talking about him, is it just me or does Ryan Cabrera remind anyone else of just a giant nose with hair on top? It's like Alf got a partial body wax and cut an album. Fuck that guy.

Lastly, I just want to say one more thing: If you're name is Ashley, spell it that way. People who spell it "Ashlee" are fucking retards who should receive a swift boot to the head for spelling phonetically. It's not different. It's not quirky. It's just annoyingly stupid. Just like you, Ashlee Simpson.

Ashlee Simpson: You're a Douchebag!