"House of The Dead" -- A Modern Classic?

No.

No.

My god no. A thousand times over, NO. The other night, I sat down and watched 2003's House of the Dead. Much like my dalliance with performance enhancing steroids and Crystal Meth, I can now tell others to not make the same mistakes that I have. I can act as a living sign post, pointing others away from the carnage of this train wreck. I took the lashes of this 90 minute mental beating for you, gentle readers; I'm like Jesus, if Jesus was a sarcastic robot on Mystery Science Theater 3000 in addition to his dayjob of messiah. But I documented the whole wretched affair, and I will now show you my Survival Diary of House of the Dead.

A quick word:

The following is very stream of consciousness and doesn't make much sense. It would make sense if you were to read along while watching the movie, but that would mean you would have to watch the movie, and to be frank, I'm just not worth it. But, in case anyone (and by one, I mean YOU, the one person reading this) does see the movie, this diary contains SPOILERS, but spoiling this movie is like getting a splinter when a building falls on top of you: It's just too late to give a damn.

The Movie:

Directed By Uwe Boll (dir. Alone in the Dark), starring...um....no one. Clint Howard and Jurgen Prochnow stopped in to pick up a check. The movie is a horror/action hybrid that is based on the popular (really?) arcade game of the same name. But how's this for postmodernism: The movie is really a prequel to the game. So if you love the game...then...you'll like the sequel that's coming out in 2006 (I wish I were kidding) called House of the Dead 2: Dead Aim. Yikes. Just Yikes.

Enough Jibber Jabber, Give Us Your Crazy Thoughts, Puny Man!

--The name of the Production Designer is Tink. Wha? Just Tink. whoa. This is gonna be bad.
--What rave happens during the day? And with volleyball? the fuck?
--Clint Howard is a God! Hasn't been this good since Charlie Sheen flick The Wraith. I should see THAT again.
--The phrase "Shove Off" has been repeated 5 times in the past two minutes. Oy.
--"Can't blame her for still getting wet over me, can you?" Puked in mouth.
--Speaking of vomit, Guy pukes on Hot High Maintenance Girlfriend and she laughs? And then she shows Clint Howard her tits? Best. Girlfriend. Ever.
--Glowing Eyes on zombies are weak. They make the monsters look like Dwayne Wayne from A Different World.
--I keep thinking the black girl is female rapper, Rah Digga. Does that make me racist?
--Bubbling, misty pools of water = SIGN OF TROUBLE. Except on Dagobah. Glayven.
--So far, they expect you to sympathize with...the boat? These people suck; their deaths better be good.
--Besides Das Boot, did Jurgen Prochnow ever have a career?
--No one has died on camera. The fuck is this? Jane Austen? Let's get to it, already!
--Those aren't candles, they're torches, Fucktard.
--Asian girl dressed in American Flag get up...RULES!!!! Her name is Liberty, and she is my queen.
--Where'd he get that Axe? Why are axes always lying around in movies and TV shows? Is there an axe surplus in this country? How can I cash in on it?
--Hooray! Some blood & death.
--Why are all of these zombies holding their breath underwater? And swimming? Wouldn't they just walk? And swallow water?
--So...creepy scarred albino guy is main villain? K.
--I prefer fast zombies. Seem more motivated.
--Was that just an homage to Saving Private Ryan? I'm sure The Greatest Generation appreciates it.
--LIBERTY!!!!
--For a group of privileged posh clubbers, these kids can all kick a lot of ass. Plus, I think I'm in love with Liberty.
--Why are Spanish Pirates speaking English?
--So the Bad Guy was originally like Die Hard on a Boat...except Bad. Like Speed 2: Cruise Control.
--This movie blows. Halfway through. Can't walk away now, in too deep. Like the Phil Collins song.
--Phil Collins should be in more movies.
--Homage to Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring? You've got Balls, Mr. Boll.
--For people doomed to be eaten, they sure are making a lot of dick jokes.
--Remember, Girls: When Fighting Zombies, Wear Your Hair Up.
--YES! BAD RAP SONG! CRANK IT, FUCKERS!
--Brilliant! Rip off Bullet-Time from The Matrix, with only a fraction of the artistry and budget! Genius!
--These Zombies are really limber.
--Not as Limber as Liberty.
--These zombies are really unorganized. Most of them are just milling about. I sense a vacuum in leadership position. Where's your managerial skills, Scarred Albino?
--Did he just clothesline a zombie? Can you do that? Has anyone made a wrestling/zombie movie (not including El Santo)? Look into that.
--Liberty has died, and with her any chance of seeing her boobs. And any interest in this movie, I might add.
--Quick cut melee...going into epileptic seizure.
--Why is it when people get cut in half, it's always an effective gag? It always looks cool and gross. Might have something to do with midgets. Look into that, too.
--This movie would do really well with an extra sound track of farting. Lots of high pitched squeakers.
--2/3 of the way through.
--If I'm hideously scarred and facing an undead army, would I still be able to get it up for sex? God, I hope so. God, I hope so.
--Just once, while a couple has a spat in an apocalyptic setting, I wish one of them would bring up something trivial but annoying, like the toilet seat or some idiosyncrasy of the other person. "I'm not going to stay here and wait to die!"
"Well, you move around too much in your sleep! It's really annoying!"
Pure Gold.
--Crate & Barrel, and Barrels, and Barrels. Lots of barrels.
--"Must...get...as close...to gross undead thing...as possible."
--What's more important to a sea captain: Go down with the ship or Die with Little Captain Hat on?
--I'm sure they survived that mammoth explosion. After all, they were a whole 10 feet away. That's a safe distance, ennit?
--The closer they get to the end of the tunnel, the fatter and crappier the zombies look.
--Who the fuck is this guy in the cape?
--Zombies take hostages?
--"You Created it all to be immortal, why?" "To live forever." BRAVO.
--I think this chick's boobs have gotten the hardest workout thus far.
--A SWORDFIGHT? Eat my dick.
--There's a lot more kicking in swordfighting than I remember.
--Nice headstomp, but didn't she just get stabbed in the heart? Or did her massive boobies save her?
--Where the fuck is this helicopter coming?
--Why would you say "Reanimated homo sapiens"? Is this guy a robot or just poorly written?
--And it ends on the ultimate high note: Hint at a sequel that'll never happen & a shitty rap song.
--Is this how guys feel after they've passed kidney stones? Pained but relieved it's over?

So that's House of the Dead. Guess I was wrong about the sequel never happening. Damn. Oh, and the summary of the movie that was on after House of the Dead?

Totally Exposed. (1991) Tanning salon co-workers get frank. (Adults Only).

Frank is one lucky dude. Bum-dum-bum-ching! Seriously though: House of the Dead is really bad. It passes the Event Horizon of being good bad (like, most eighties movies) and is just bad bad (like Until the End of the World). Like a sitcom with Jason Alexander (post-Seinfeld), or anything made with Olestra, avoid at all costs.

If you like Zombie Movies, check out: Zombie, Shaun of the Dead, Dawn of the Dead, Return of the Living Dead
If you like video game movies, check out: Um...The Wizard? Double Dragon is hilariously awful.