So Here's to You David Ortiz, Our Nation Turns Its Lonely Eyes to You...woo woo woo

Author's Note: What I am about to conjecture and pontificate (Triple Word Score!) within this little rant is going to be seen as blasphemy. Know that the questions I am exploring are real to me, and deserve to be treated with the utmost respect. As a manchild that was born and raised in Massachusetts, I know how sensitive this topic can be, and will try to conduct myself in a manner most befitting a grave subject such as this.

What if it was for the best that the Red Sox don't win the world series?

Now I know that there are some who are decrying that question as treason, a form of thoughtcrime within the Red Sox Nation State. I ask that you bear with me while I deliberate on this question.
Red Sox fans are the best fans in the world (and think, if I was on a stage or just in front of people I would have about 5 minutes of applause here while people clap for themselves). They are the abused wives of MLB -- not that I'm advocating that people engaged in spousal abuse are good people or healthy; they're not. But neither are Red Sox fans. Year in and year out they file into their local bars or Fenway park and root for their favorite team while mangling the English language and getting pretty buzzed off beer ("bee-ah", to the uninitiated). They scream and curse and cheer on each member of the rag tag group; they say such classically optimistic lines such as "this is the year", "all the way, baby", "team of destiny", "Fuck the Yankees." And so the Red Sox do well, fighting their way through the regular season until emerging into the post season rarin' for a fight, and then severely choking or merely getting knocked the fuck out when said fight rears its ugly head. And so the Sox fans put out the fires of rage and dashed dreams with the cooling sprinkler system of beer and console themselves that Next Year will be THE YEAR. And so it has gone since time immortal (or 1918) and will continue ever onwards...Or will it?

We stand now on the cusp of a possible Red Sox Pennant. Insane, I know. And I'm not saying that they are definitely going to win, or that they are definitely going to lose. Maybe they'll choke. Maybe they'll sweep the Cardinals. Maybe Jesus will finally abdicate his throne to the amazing ManGod that is Curt Schilling...I don't know, I'm not a theologian. But now, with the Sox winning 11-9 in the first game of the World Series, it is a definite possibility that they could win the whole thing this year. This could most definitely be, THE YEAR.

And I ask you all: Is this a good thing?

Sox Fans are the die hard fans. They are the most Kierkegaardian of fans in all of the world. They even put most fanatic religious people to shame...With the exception of Muslim Extremist Suicide Bombers cuz those fuckers got to believe in SOMETHING and STRONGLY...Or else they just don't understand the plan. "I push this button and I get a lot of candy? AWESOME!" But I digress...Red Sox Fans have emotionally, financially, and spiritually leapt with every fiber of their being each and every season for their team. Kierkegaard once wrote, "I can swim in existence, but for this mystical soaring I am too heavy." Red Sox fans are paper thin when it comes time to soar for their team: everything in the past suggests that the Red Sox will not do well and will inevitably break their fans' hearts. And yet, every season, Red Sox fans come out in droves to cheer and yell out devotions and proclamations of assured victory. Red Sox pride and the beloved place they hold in the hearts are one of the few shining examples of faith that exist within this cynical and dreary world. The average member of Red Sox Nation has practiced more willing suspension of disbelief than an entire theater of 12 year old boys watching a Jerry Bruckheimer action movie ("Dude, you can totally survive an Atomic Blast if you just jump at the right time!").

So is it a good thing to take it away this last bastion of faith?

The Red Sox are always a scrappy team made up of good players that seem to really function best as a team than as a grouping of Star Athletes. They pay their dues and manage to claw their way to the top, or else silently implode to meet the rest of the nation's expectations. They are the underdogs, complete with their own mythic curse and evil archenemy, and a sad record of the last time they won a pennant that hangs around their necks like a flock of narcoleptic albatross. And of course, they are due. They are perpetually due for another championship title. They have worked hard for it, and to see them finally come out on top of all the other teams and emerge from history victorious would be great. An 86 years long version of Rocky or The Karate Kid (complete with Torre's direction for A-Rod to "sweep the leg" of Arroyo). It would be a joyous occasion that every fan of the Red Sox, baseball, sports, and America in general would always remember, because it's been with all of us for so long: The Red Sox will Lose and Life Goes On; There's Always Next Year. But suddenly that would no longer be, and the Red Sox would finally be seen the world over as champions.

But at what price victory?

Now they would no longer be special, no longer would they have this huge obstacle to overcome, this century of bad luck and bad ball games would no longer weigh in on every game the Red Sox play. Anytime that the faith is questioned, one only has to look back a few years and say "Oh Yeah, they already did that." Manifest physical proof is not necessary nor that good for a person's faith. The Red Sox would move from being symbolic and exist only in the real and rational world. Just like any team that has won a pennant since Post-War America, the Red Sox would just be another group racing for that title. Gone would be their hook, their example of undying faith in the drunken hearts of the proud Bostonian Flock. Sure, there's the Cubs, but do you really want to side with Jim Belushi, America? Are you prepared for that?

Wile E. Coyote should catch the Road Runner. It's nature, that's how it works; Survival of the Fittest, the Food Chain, yada yada yada. It would be the ultimate, the culmination of years of plotting and injury and a horrible credit report due to his activities with the Acme catalogue. But would anyone want to see that? I mean, for a moment it would be satisfying...But then what does Wile E. Coyote do? Get a real job to pay back all of those bills for that pair of rocket skates that sent him flying into a rock like a jackass? Keep nostalgically thinking about the great times before he caught the Road Runner? Look for a new Road Runner to chase after, always aware that it's not as great as his original quarry? There's nothing entertaining about a Coyote full up on Road Runner meat trying to hold down a job at the local Starbucks. Well...It's a little funny. But not nearly as comical as watching him trying to fly with an umbrella, or do amazing feats of jumping with those slinky coils on his feet.

I'm still going to root for the Sox. I still want them to win, just for my dad if nothing else. I'm not sure if it'll be good for the city (everyone will be drunk for a week, mass rioting and looting, death toll approaching Zombie film levels, and a possible drunken siege on Yankee Stadium), but it'll be great to see everyone get drunk and teary watching them finally win, finally take down the Kobra Kai. I'm just curious if when they win, will it ever be the same again? Will baseball, America, and the souls of all concerned ever be as rich for having the Red Sox win the pennant?

I don't know. All I know is that Ben Affleck cannot be, should not be, and never will be the voice of the Red Sox. And the fucker is dating Jennifer Garner now? Son of a bitch! Still...he was the bomb in phantoms, yo.