Just Like the Prodigal Son, I Returned

Anyone Steppin to Me, you'll get burned!

That's by House of Pain. They were a popular rap group. Meanwhile, back in the House of Pain that I call life, here's somethin fer youse guys:

Leading a sad, lonely, pathetic life as I do, I've managed to watch most Celebrity Porn tapes out there. I won't say all, cuz frankly, who has the time or resources? Besides, I'm sure as soon as I print this blog entry some crazy Wilmer Valderrama & Tootie from Facts of Life porn will surface. And it will be hot. A fiery hot potato of naughty sex. But, seeing as how I've viewed & reviewed so many infamous porns, allow me to drop some knowledge on all y'all celebrities what be wanting to make some drrty videos. Besides, maybe this will stop Jonathan Taylor Thomas from constantly emailing me for tips on his own home movies. For crying out loud, Jon, the last time we talked it was the 90s and you were somebody, okay? Don't talk to me until you come back into nostalgic vogue. Or at least pop up on one of those VH1 shows.

TIPS ON MAKING A GOOD CELEBRITY PORN

1) Be pretty.

No one wants to see Nell Carter doin it. Especially since she's dead. Is she dead? I think she is. Yeah, she died in 2003 (thanks IMDB, you've made me look less incompetent!). Anywhoski, the point is, do a couple of sit ups before the taping, maybe a nice yoga regiment, perhaps a pilates class or two. Get your hair done -- sure it will be all messed and gooey by the end of the taping, but let's put our best foot forward. And don't be afraid to use some pimple cream. No one wants to be distracted from your gaping cooter by a couple of wayward blackheads on your thigh. Clean it up, people. You're celebrities, for chrissakes! Put down the blow, pick up the Proactiv.

(Random sidenote: People have seen the Proactiv infomercial, right? Cuz if you haven't, you're lame! Holy Carp is this thing funny. First off, you have Jessica Simpson taking time off from her crumbling sham of a marriage and crappy dayjob music career to talk about her zits, and then you have Alicia Keys talking about fighting acne like it's the end of Apartheid. And finally--the piece de resistance--is P. Puffy Diddy Daddy Combs himself. With these IMMORTAL words of wisdom that not only shill some zit cream, but also solidifies his street cred: "I'm just letting all the brothas out there know, of all nationalities, that you've got to keep your skin game on point. The bumps just aren't makin it." Do you hear that? That's the sound of a nation dropping to its knees to thank God On High for such hilarious unintentional comedy. Gracias, Zeus! All right, back to the sleaze.)

2) You're a Big Star, right?

There's pumps, pills, potions, and people who can help you grow big before the shoot ("fluffers"). Once again, this is a matter of you having the means to improve, so why not go the extra effort? And don't give me the whole "it was for a private collection" bullshit. You and I both know that just means until your weekly syndicated series about crimesolving longshoremen (Dock Detectives) gets canceled and E! refuses to do your life story. Then it's time to open the vault and leak out a little bit of you doin some other relative unknown. So since we all know this is gonna happen, let's put our best face, er, HEAD forward, okay gents? I know, everyone is in the shadow of Tommy Lee. Literally. But that doesn't mean you can't try and compete. When Shaq rolls up for a basketball game, the other players don't just go home; they find a way to shine on their own. On the other hand, I'm sure Shaq has a huge wang.


3.) TURN OFF THE MUTHAFUCKIN TV!

Yeah, it's kinda funny that Chris Rock and Pat Sajak get to be sidenotes to all of these little celebrity carnal romps. But really it's annoying. Just turn it down. It's not that hard. Obviously you already know you're going to do it, that's why you have the camera with the special lens on you. You don't need background noise. Unless you're asthmatic or make weird queefing sounds. Cuz that's just not appetizing for anyone. Seriously, it's gross. Get help now.


4) Location, Location, Location!

In the land of Celebornography, the camera man is king. Obviously, it's going to be a small crew type situation; "intimate", I believe, is the term. But still, we've all seen America's Home Videos and many of you involved have jobs where "Cameraman" isn't the name of some pathetic superhero, but actually a succinct description of a person's job. So you know and understand the basic principles of cinematography: If you point the camera at something and record it, that's what you're going to see on TV. So if you noticed that during the throes of passion you found yourself staring at the small of your partner's back for a good 8 minutes, maybe you need to do another take. Remember people, you need TOTAL coverage! I know what some of you are thinking: Tripod. Yeah, a camera stand can work well...if you and your partner remember the blocking. It's hard to cheat towards the camera when you have someone stuck on your dong like barnacle on a oceanliner. Just keep the audience in mind, that's all I'm asking. And even if you want to cling to that "private library" smokescreen, just think of it this way--is it really hot to watch 7 minutes of the back of your head bobbing up and down like a speed metal fan on cocaine? No? Well, we're not diggin it either. Oh, and seeing flabby guy asses isn't the biggest turn on, either. Give us the teeters, give us the bugged out eyes of a starlet, and will someone give us a moneyshot? It's a porno, for god's sake, not a Lifetime Original Movie starring Meredith Baxter-Birney!


5) Make Your Porno Work For You

Why have no celebrities used product placement in their pornos? You can always use another source of income, if only to finance another shoddily made skinflick. So next time you're videotaping you and your love "bumpin uglies" why not do it on a nice comforter from Ikea? Or how about using Trojan brand condoms? Where are you hiding the salami, at the Marriott or the Hilton? What type of alcohol got you so drunk that you actually let the homely guy videotape this? Skyy? Grey Goose? Jose Cuervo? Jagermeister? There's an untapped market out there for Porno Advertising. Don't be left behind. And, on the flip side, for all of you anti-captalist millionaires out there, the Susan Sarandon/Tim Robbins antiestablishment clique: use your gross naked flesh to your advantage -- Do it on Wal-Mart sheets, or talk about Bush's new Energy Bill while you're thumping the hedges. Suddenly everyone will associate these conglomerates and conservative agenda items with the sight of your doodle smacking the face of your "longtime companion" and won't be nearly as supportive as before.


6) Lastly, Have Fun With It.

At the end of the day, it's your porno -- so make it your own. If it feels like a chore, it's gonna look like a chore. We watch your tapes to be entertained and to fill in for our own pathetic love lives. Make it worth it. How about some dialogue? We all enjoyed the endearing romanticism of the "Do you love loving me, lover?" talk of Pammy and Tommy. And of course there's the hilarious banter like "Fuck Your Phone!" and "Show'em your pretty face" of the Paris Hilton tapes. That's what made those tapes so incredible and memorable: they had personality. Everyone's seen tits, asses, and dicks before. People want to believe that somehow the naughty bits and sweaty practices of Hollywood types are a little more fantastic than regular fluid swappin'. Make them believe again; they want to, and they're looking to you for help. And we've all seen missionary and doggy style done to death. Don't you have anything else to bring to the party? How about Reverse Cowgirl? A little Dirty Sanchez? Maybe a Donkey Punch* or two? Stand out. Define yourself apart from the rest of the drugged out, braindead young Hollywood crew. How about a soundtrack that's not a laughtrack on a rerun of "Cheers"? Show your sensitive side with a little James Taylor or Al Green; maybe seem hip and cool with a little Christina Aguilera or The Zutons; creep people out by blaring Raffi or Gwar. Mix up the narrative of your homegrown porn; maybe throw in some drama: "You didn't want me to stick that in there? What are we gonna do about it?" The point is that your porno reflects who you are as a person and as a sexual deviant -- it's your time to shine. Seize it.

Well, I hope these tips help all of you out there. Remember, unless you're a dimwitted college student living in the San Fernando Valley, a confused immigrant with big teeters, or a person with a modicum of celebrity, no one wants to see your porno. So get out there, American Celebrities, and make your parents wish they were dead!



*For more information on Donkey Punching, please go here or consult your local librarian.