Fuck Aspirations.

I'm not a goal-oriented person. That is to say, there are things that I want, achievements I aspire for, but really I'm more about the here and now (and how much the here and now blows) than I am about my future. Truth be told, I plan to be dead within 7-10 years -- and with your support, I'll reach that goal! But before I do leave this prolonged pratfall I call life, there are some things I would like to do (and if anyone reading this has the ability to help a brotha out, it would be much appreciated):

1) Have sex to Ravel's "Bolero".

Yes, I know sex has been a recurring theme, lately, in my (and, evidently, others') blog. But this is totally different from those whiny laments of mine. In this, there's the presupposition that I'm going to have sex, and on that occasion I would like to be listening to Ravel's "Bolero". I think we all have those songs that we either a) want to bone to, or 2) love sexing to. For me, one of my proudest sexual achievements is enjoying sex whilst listening to "Let's Get it On" performed by -- here's the twist -- Jack Black off the High Fidelity soundtrack. It was a good moment to be a nerd like meself. Also, having sex with the Lovage CD as the accompaniment was pretty geektastic. You take a group and album that was created for nerds to have sex to, and then a nerd gets to have sex to it...well that's just a tiny slice o' Elysium. There's been some missed opportunities, of course. I never got to have sex to any of the songs off of NIN's Downward Spiral, except for "Hurt", which is another music/sex team-up that I long for. Does anyone remember the song "Never Gonna Get It (My Love)" by En Vogue? I would like to bump uglies with that in the background, if only because I feel the antagonistic lyrics would make pull out all the stops. If there's one thing I enjoy, it's proving Funky Divas wrong. Other Songs to make sweet love to? "Pistolero" by Juno Reactor, "Playground Love" by Air (that's only on the condition that I'm on Acid...cuz how fucked up would that be? Very. And cool.) Ummm....the entire album Thunder, Lightning, Strike by The Go! Team; "East Hastings" by Godspeed You! Black Emperor; "Sinfonia" from The Barber of Seville; and "Change (House of Flies)" by The Deftones, cuz that song would be SO hot. Especially with a cute goth chick. (Down, boy!)

2) Get in a Physical Fight over Honor.

I don't think my honor's been impugned. I mean, I don't know how much honor I have; I believe I try and hang on to my dignity as best as I can with everything else pretty much going to shite. But the point is that not once have I ever felt my honor, nor the honor of my friends or just a random Hot Chick, was ever insulted enough to warrant a fight. Preferably a Duel. How great would that be? I mean, we all get in fights over stupid shit, spilled drinks and misheard gossip, but never over ideals such as honor. And not the fake honor of "he called my girl a 'ho'" or "he stepped on my kicks!" or even, "That white boy just said, 'kicks'!" But real, Bruce Lee, quixotic, shiny, idealistic, capital "H", Honor. And also, to have the fight occur at Dawn -- might as well go all the way dramatic. For my second I would choose the biggest, meanest, motherfucker I knew/saw; just for the worst case scenario. Cuz if I'm going down, I'm taking you to Hell with me. I'm petty, what can I say?

3) Be able to detail my daring escape to a group of amazed people.

Of course, in order to have this goal fulfilled I need to somehow be imprisoned, or at least inconvenienced, enough to warrant an escape. Let's say some torture chamber, detainee camp, or terrifyingly numbing cocktail party. I would discuss how I methodically waited for my opportunity to arise, and how risking death was better than rotting in whatever horrible predicament I was in prior to my flight for freedom. Hopefully air vents, crooked guards, and holding my breath underwater would be involved. Also, best case scenario, when I first show up in front of these "amazed people" they would gasp and one of them, probably my greatest detractor, would mumble "Impossible...We all thought you were dead". To which I would laugh and then regale them with my exploits. While enjoying a smooth beer and a cigarette. Cuz it's my fantasy and I'm that fucking debonair.

4) Piss on a National Landmark or Institution.

I'm not particularly picky. Although the National Shoreline doesn't count. I mean like the Alamo (a la Ozzy), or Statue of Liberty, or Jefferson Memorial. Something. Preferably while drunk, or after returning from a war in which my government, my own government!, left me to die. Otherwise, I'm just some fuckwit who took a whiz on Lincoln's marble shoes.

5) Complain about how my black sweater ALWAYS tracks tiger hair.

And be telling the truh....for once.

6) Learn how to play the banjo.

I know I could get started on this one now, but that would just be weird. I'd prefer for some life changing event (Apocalypse, Cancer Diagnosis, get a girlfriend) to prompt this goal into reality. At least in the parts where I have lived, you don't see too many people picking up the banjo as youngins. And rare are those moments in college where everyone in the dorm begs you to break out the banjo and sing "Plush" by Stone Temple Pilots. Also, while it would be tempting, I would vow never to learn how to play "dueling banjos". I would feel that it belittles the instrument and those artists who have perfected the craft. Instead, my goal would be to learn how to play covers (I would call them "interpretations") of Phil Collins's songs on the banjo.

7) Go around to different Churches, challenging Priests to arm wrestle to prove the existence of God.

I think that one's self explanatory.

8) Be able to prove to a High School Freshman that geometry is useful in the real world.

And no, computers/future careers in the sciences do not count. I mean an instance where I describe to them how writing a proof for a geometric quandary would actually be practical. I can't even conceive of a scenario; I'm sure some are thinking of finding the hypotenuse of a triangle in order to get to a destination quicker, but even then I don't know. All I know is I hated Geometry, and no one could or can show me how it has any relevance to reality. That would be my gift to the world, an occasion that would be used in classrooms across the globe and referred to as "Dean's Example". I can dream, can't I?

9) climb a tree.

Honestly, I've never climbed a tree. Weird, ennit? I've been in trees, been in tree houses, and shimmied up a few feet on a tree trunk or two. But I've never gone all Tom Sawyer/Calvin & Hobbes and just wrangled my body up a tree, branch by branch, like the simian fellow I truly am. I would really love to climb one of those massive prehistoric trees, like a Redwood, or a Sequoia, or something like those hippy chicks do that live in trees to protest land developers. I think it would just be cool, also I get to see how the squirrels live; you know, when all the cameras and bullshit aren't around.

10) Learn and Recite a poem by Thomas Gray -- in Esperanto.

I like Thomas Gray. I like obscurity and absurdity. So that's the rationale there. Once, while I was working in Borders, a woman came in trying to find an Esperanto-English dictionary. We didn't have any, and none were in print (that the chain carried, at least). She was completely shocked, and kept telling me that she couldn't believe that a big chain like Borders didn't have any books on, about, or containing words in Esperanto. I only know a few things about the proposed Universal language, Esperanto (William Shatner starred in a movie called The Incubus, completely in Esperanto; and the phrase "Feriji! Feriji!" means "Do it! Do it!") and I just thought it was odd a woman would become so indignant over something so ludicrous. But then, I suppose that's the definition of working retail.

11) Enjoy dancing.

I hate to dance. I'm a huge WASP, so unfortunately dancing just ain't in my soul, veins, and, especially, corresponding body parts. Although, I have won my share of dance-offs in my day (Thank Christ for Ironic Hipsters!), the seductive and timeless art of dancing is unknown to me. The main problem, besides my racial handicap, is that I hate dancing. I dread it. I feel like a marionette filled with termites and being pulled in all different directions by a classroom of kids with ADHD. It's horrible. I mean, slow dancing and all that is fine; but dancing dancing, whoa doggie does that suck. It's dark narcissism, but I'm positive everyone is staring at me, begging me to leave the dance floor because I'm just RUINING the sweet Britney Spears remix that's playing overhead. I would like to just dance and have fun and actually enjoy it without falling to self conscious pieces. I assume alcohol and/or more potent drugs would be a necessary in this goal.

12) Stop a woman I love from getting on a plane.

Or a train. Or a boat. Or even a car pool. Just stop her. Appeal to that side of her that believes in all of that mushy, candle lit, idealistic, powerful, romantic crap like me. And all I have is my words. My feeble, lame, barely cohesive words that are sputtering out of me like exhaust out of a Yugo before it explodes. But she listens. She tears up. And she stays. What I said meant something. I actually reached out and connected into something deeper within her. She decides to change her plans for me, and who knows what the future will hold? but for that one moment...it's bliss. I guess I just want the occasion for greatness. The possibility to be bold, and risky, and stupidly romantic. I just want that one moment that I can make such an ass out of myself, and not regret it.

So there's my goals. Like I said, I figure I've got about 7-10 years at the most to start checking them off the list. It's only 12 items, that's about 2 a year or so. Do-able. Hell, some of them I could probably do in the next week.

Notice I didn't include anything in here about my family, my career, or any real long term relationships. Lots of sex and flashy romance, but no "learn to communicate better while living with long term girlfriend". All that stuff I already have set in my head, and it wouldn't be entertaining to set down in a blog. I mean, maybe in a tragic "Well, that sure as shit is never gonna happen" kinda way. But then that wouldn't really be me or this blog, right?

The point is, I think it's important to create lists like these, if only in your head. As long as we all compile these lists, this collection of fantastic and sophomoric deeds, then we'll never truly die or get old or succumb to the gentrification of modern society. Because while at some high class shin dig, somewhere in your mind will be that list, telling you that now is the PERFECT opportunity to completely act the fool, just so you can cross off #17.