Stop Letting These Idiots Type!

It's been said that if you give a million monkeys a million typewriters and an infinite time to write, eventually they will produce Shakespeare (to see a completely anal retentive theorum regarding this saying, go here).

Apparently, if you give one monkey one T-Mobile Sidekick and a few lines of blow, you can get the following trash. The disease ridden Party Girls have taken to the InterWeb to plead their various cases. In the Victorian times, people would correspond with their public and with each other. Authors and various socialites left behind whole volumes of letters that revealed not just the inner workings of their minds, but the true feelings that existed in that bygone era. Alexander Pope and other writers would call out their critics and engage in an intellectual tete a tete in London's newspapers.

Nowadays, we get this MySpace message from Stupid Spoiled Whore, Paris Hilton, defending Britney Spears:

(from IMDB.com)
"Lately, you've been seeing pics of me and Britney partying (blah blah) and she knows that some of her fans are very upset about what they call her 'behavior' and sadly they're blaming the issue on her being friends with me. For people to call out her parenting skills on behalf of her partying ethics is appalling. Britney loves her kids to death, and I know for a fact that it truly hurts her when she sees these cruel things being written about her. She goes home every night to her babies and partying has not come in the way of her parenting. Anyone who has called her out on this should really be ashamed. There are thousands of mothers out there who like to go out and have a good time. But, you do not see people out there calling them 'bad parents.' She's young, and if she wants to go out and have some fun, let her. Just because she does these things does not mean she doesn't care about her children. For the sake of Britney and her kids, be kind. Love, Paris."

What the fuck are Partying Ethics? And the idea that Paris hilton would EVER use the word ethics is mindblowing on so many levels.

Meanwhile, after releasing her postmodern treatise on philology and grief, Lindsay Lohan has struck back. This time invoking the ghosts of modern political times, like Al Gore and Bill Clinton. Is Lohan satirizing the idea of the public self vs. private self? Is she trying to parody the very term "cause celebre"? Or is she just coming down after a weekend spent high on cough medicine and Sour Patch Kids? Either way, here is a leaked email that Lindsay Lohan has recently sent out.




(from Gawker)

"Subject: The way of the future-Howard Hughes once said. I am willing to release a politically/morally correct, fully adequite letter to the press if any of you are willing to help. Simply to state my oppinions on how our society should be educated on for the better of our country. Our people. Also because I have such an impact on our younger generations, as well as generations older than me. Which we all know and can obviously see. People are just mean. I am going to proceed with putting LR to court if need be for what she's done to me. Its my life. I want to live it. People cannot lie and think that it is okay to continue on having done so. Simply because they will do it again to someone else, and that is not alright with me. I have had many ups and downs, as do we all.
"But to make false accusations to one girl is unjust in my oppinion. Having said this, I am willing to do anything I need to get my life the way it should be and the way I work for it to be.. And have thus far in my career. Let's sue the tabloids for saying the things they say. Defamation of character. Amongst other illegal accusations, I will repeat this over and over to make my point. I am not fully aware of what these, again, accusations are, but I am fully and eagerly prepared to learn them. Have harvey and all lawyers help me please. If he is willing. Al Gore will help me he came up to me last night and said he would be very happy to have a conversation with me. If he is willing to help me, let's find out. Hilary Clinton, Bill Clinton, and Evan metroplis, and John Daur who works with them would be willing, if we just ask. If we just ASK. I'd really like to fix things and refuse to stop on any account for these unintelligent, vulgar people who like to hurt other people. Not just me, but everyone. I'm willing to hold a press conference and I will do anything necessary to do so. In putting an end to 'these people' trying to put an end to me and belittle me as well as try to be the demise of me after all I've gone through and done at such a young and tender age in a womans life. Its enough already, I've had enough and I am going to be the one to make a change.
"For all of my fellow actors, friends, people I admire and for those I've lost in the recent days, years, months. I do believe the focus in the world has misplaced and directed in the wrong directions and I am willing to be the one to help change that and use my celebrity status to move the focalpoint /(s) of the press to the real issues that we have going on as we speak. Anyone that is willing to help and has a family member or friend, even co-worker that is in a position to be involved in any way, shape or form, please contact me, Jenni Muro, Leslie Sloane, Michael Heller, Jason Sloane, Jason Weinberg as soon as you can or are willing. Just ask them, it doesn't hurt to ask. So let's start now, rather than waste time. Do you agree? Because I'm doing it either way. The way of the future. Thank you for your time. Your Entertainer, Lindsay Lohan"

She should be beaten to death with the Oxford English Dictionary.

Al Gore, your reaction to suddenly finding yourself alligned with a coked up anorexic whore with a drinking problem?

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"