News Flash: Bush Unveils New Pact with Mexico and Canada

Waco, Texas--
As reported here, President Bush has made a new pact with leaders from our two neighboring countries, Mexico and Canada. And while people may think that this "new pact" with President Vicente Fox and Prime Minister Paul Martin has something to do with immigration and economic issues, the true pact that was made is far more serious, sinister, and hilarious.

"Today, I, along with Presidente Fox and Prime Minister Martin, have made a pact to get laid before Prom!" President Bush told an expectant crowd in Waco, Texas this morning. After hours spent deliberating, and years being the laughing stock of United Nations High School, Bush and his two friends have decided to something about it. "We're all sick of being the virgins that everyone laughs at; I mean, I know I'm a Christian, but even I've got to have a little fun every now and then, right, Slim?"

President Vicente "Slim" Fox laughed and nodded in agreement. Speaking via translator, Fox described how the trio had planned a cross-continent road trip in Martin's mom's station wagon.

"We originally came together to talk about immigration and border patrolling," Fox recounts, "but then The Bushwhacker here was all 'Who's sick of being made fun of for being a virgin?' Well, Pauly sheepishly raised his hand, and I followed suit. Sure enough, here we are planning this giant trip."

"We're going to see the Grand Canyon!" PM Martin exclaimed. Clearly the over prepared, anal nerd of the group, Martin can't wait to make the trip to learn some very interesting, historical facts. "I didn't hear about this whole 'intercourse' part until now. I'm still more interested in the educational aspect of the trip. Plus I'll have a chance to look at some colleges, which is why my Mom is letting us use the Vista Cruiser."

"Ah, don't be so stiff, Pauly," President Bush declared. "WE'RE ALL GONNA GET LAID!"

The trip will start out in Montreal, ("Where the drinking age is totally lowered," Bush added) before snaking throughout the US, before ending up at Senor Frogs in Cancun, Mexico.

"We plan on having the best spring break ever: suds, sex, and of course it all culminates in a kickass concert by Good Charlotte. Omigod, do those guys rock!" Slim enthusiastically screamed like a little girl at the mention of the Maryland pop punk rockers.

"I believe in the transformational power of getting some trim on the side," The President said when asked about whether or not he will be successful in his mission to "get some" before prom. "Plus I own a timber company, so that invites a whole bunch of wood jokes. Wanna buy some wood? It's right here in my pants." The President then high-fived "Slim" Fox while Martin shook his head in disgust.

meanwhile, Vice President Dick Cheney has vowed to bring an end to this trip.

"It's time this President hunkered done and got to work," Cheney reported from one of his many secret bunkers. "The party is officially over. And it is my solemn vow that the President, currently on Triple Super Secret Probation, will be impeached before the end of this trip."

"I've heard Dick's...hehehehe, it never gets old...I've heard Dick's threats to stop my fun," Bush stated. "Well, let me say now: Bring it On. I'm going to get my nut, and if the Vice President or any other evildoers get in the way, they will get pranked! You have my promise on that."

While Bush, Fox, and Martin have promised a lot of madcap hilarity and even the occasional glimpse of teeter, nothing too crazy will occur.

"I did suggest that we go to one of the many fine underground whorehouses in lovely Tijuana," Fox admitted. "But the President wouldn't hear of it."

"I told him, 'No thanks, amigo.' I just want American tail -- no Latino vagino, por favor. Hehehe," Bush joked.

The trip plans on starting next week, and will hopefully provide everyone with some laughs, some shocking moments, and, as President Bush says, "maybe even a boner or two."