15 Movies You've Never Seen (But Should)

Herro!

How's it goin out there e'rybody? Everything finally all smoothed out between whathisname and youknowwho? Good. Glad to hear it.

Recently I was compiling a list for a friend of mine; it was a long list of comedy movies that she should see. The sad part is that while writing the extensive (re: exhaustive) list, I realize that I write a lot of lists. Usually small ones in the margins of a piece of paper for what plans & chores I have for the day; or long and contested mental lists of favorite CDs, books, and other non essential but highly debatable topics. Even more tragic than the discovery of my penchant for making lists, is how much I enjoy lists. Not just my own. I eat up all those year end Top Ten lists, and anytime there's a countdown on TV or in a magazine for some nerdy topic, you'll find my eyes scouring all over it, trying to see if my favorites got on.

Bravo's poorly named 100 Scariest Moments in Film has been running nonstop (I think in a type of half assed promotion for Project Greenlight). Somehow I manage to watch it every single time. I get sucked in by seeing all those great splatter and suspense movies I gobble up ever since I was a youngin'. I love seeing the scenes and movies that I loved as a kid now being praised as terrifying and brilliant by the likes of the Coors Twins and that Dude from that Show. You know the one...with the hair? Anyway, I did like that my favorite film (so many nerd choices but it always boils down to this one) capped off the list at number 1 -- and that's Jaws. A great film that kept people out of the water and has, coupled with Japan's voracious and senseless ultraviolent poaching, forced the shark population to creep towards extinction.

I realize that lists are just another outlet to connect with people. We want to see if our opinions match up with anyone out there, or at the very least what the majority of people think in this country. How many polls do you read, knowing that they're retarded and irrelevant, and still get mad at the results when they run counter to your own beliefs? I'm looking at you "Teen People's Sexiest Muppet in Hot Pants"! There's a sad sense of validation derived from seeing something you like appear on a list somewhere. It's as if the Universe is saying, "See--you should listen to Tom more often. Clearly he's got a good bead on things. Good call, Tom. By the way, your fly is down." Thanks, Universe! It's almost a nerd equivalent of rooting for your home team. I say almost because I know how many lists appear on ESPN throughout the day -- Jocks like lists, too, dammit.

Lists also provide us with great conversation fodder. Watch some of those E! specials about the 50 skankiest Crack Whores in Hollywood History, or VH1's Worst 80s Comebacks that Were Engineered by VH1 with a group of friends. You get to revel in nostalgia, show a little of your personality and background, and dissect your friends' own bias and beliefs. Good times!

Another aspect to Listmania is that I think it is a reflection of how our mind works. Much like the separation of Weekdays from Weekends, and the difference between Cinemax's afternoon programming and its late night spankathon shows, Lists are a product of our linear way of thinking. We need to know how certain things rank in our lives, the levels of importance and excellence that Object X carries with it. Once we know how X is situated we can decide whether we want X or if we want Not X. We need to know the general progression of things, including cultural tastes, and ideas of beauty. We need to know the chronology of events, the timelines of what's cool and what came first, maybe in a vain hope for finding out what's coming next. And while lists have always existed, they really started coming about when the new (and BOOOO-ring!) Millenium came about. Like everyone suddenly became a cultural anthropologist and had to document how the sex scenes in White Sands are hotter than the sex scenes in Wild Things (it's true, you know).

Lists aren't just a human thing. Check out the Ten Commandments. You just know that God was sweating over the 10 and 11 spots. "Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife...OR...Don't Come a knockin if this van's a rockin. Hmmm...which one? Which one?" And if it's good enough for Yahweh -- it's good enough for me!

So with that large and unneccessary preamble out of the way -- I give unto you the list of 15 movies that you've never seen, but should. I'm sure some of you have seen some of these movies. Maybe one or two has seen all of them. Well great. Weigh in with your thoughts on each one -- tell me I'm wrong or write up your own damn list. For everyone else -- do yourself a favor and go find some of these movies. They're all terrific little slices of cinema.*

Go on with the Chlorophyll!

By the way these aren't in particular order, so bop around if you feel free to -- but be careful and always wear a helmet.


15.) Yes Nurse! No Nurse!

This Dutch musical is a remake of a late 1960s musical comedy television show from the Netherlands. The story is a very simple one -- heartwarming Nurse Clivia defends her Retirement Home full of eccentrics from the evil and hateful plotting of their neighbor and landlord Bordevol. There's some stuff about thieves, a failed pop group, some happy pills, and a whole lot of singing. It's just so brightly colored and energetic and fun, that it's hard to turn down -- like a hot girl covered in glow sticks at a rave, all hopped up ecstasy; so you stare and enjoy the show. I will say that more than anything else, I came away from this movie realizing that Dutch is quite possibly the UGLIEST sounding language ever born to man. A weird mixture of German and gargling, it just sounds frightful. Like a Nazi ordering his platoon with a throat full of pigeon. But the music is good and light; the movie is like a very light sweet you would find in a highly decorative basket. Ch-ch-ch-check it out! Caramelloooooo!

If You Liked This Movie, Check Out: Hedwig and the Angry Inch. Also a musical featuring butch looking women. Except in this case they're men. Kinda. It's complicated.


14) How's Your News?

Probably the one film on this lil list that everyone MUST see. Being the antisocial unathletic nerdboy that I am, I've seen a lot of movies. Some I hate, some I love; some make me angry, a few have made me weepy; a bunch have made me laugh, some have made me cringe. But no movie has ever made me feel just so good about being part of the human race. Then How's Your News? came along. It's a brilliant documentary that chronicles an assortment of people (all with various forms of being mentally and/or physically challenged) going across the country and reporting from wherever they are. They interview random people on the street and highlight some nice local places for people to check out should they find themselves goin on a similar transcontinental quest. It's funny without being cruel or mean to the challenged people, and it's sweet without being grotesquely saccarine. The DVD is worth buying, so I encourage everyone to head on over to here or wherever you go for DVD purchases and pick up a copy today. Much like the contagious and persistent theme song, the sheer fun and happiness contained within this movie will spread into you. I know that sounds lame, but it's true. Trust me, I'm a very jaded monkey. Also, the DVD contains Ronnie Simonsen finally meeting and interviewing his idol -- Mr. Chad Everett. It's just great. Stop reading this blog and watch this movie.

If You Liked this Movie, Check Out: Punch Drunk Love. Also a very warm and tingly movie with a jagged edge.


13) Battle Royale

This movie is trenched in legend and gossip and the mere mention of it around any asianphiles (it's a word now, bitches!) will send them into hysterics. The movie concerns a dark future where the youth is out of control, as is the population problem -- so here's the solution: BATTLE ROYALE! One class is randomly selected from a random high school in Japan and then shipped off to an island. There it's simple: kill or be killed. They leave some weapons lying around for the kids to use and put on a nice little lethal time limit on their bloodsplattering fun. This film has spawned a sequel, a manga series, and a career for Chiaki Kuriyama who played Go-Go Yubari in Kill Bill. Many people believe this film has been banned in the US and that's why there's no official Region 1 DVD release; the fact is that the distributor and owner of the film refuses to release it in America (for whatever shady reasons). But it's very available on Region Free DVDs, bootlegs, and the occasional E-bay friendly VCD. Check it out if you're in the mood for some ultraviolent crazy as fuck asian action that doesn't involve naked girls eating vomit (although girls and vomit are both in this movie).

If You Liked This Movie, Check Out: Cabin Fever. gross, bloody, violent, yet oddly funny and quirky. The Fingerbang scene is a little too much fer me; so bravo, Mr. Roth. Bravo.


12) The Singing Detective

True, this isn't technically a movie, but instead a mini-series. Just think of it as an eight hour movie. That's all. And try to ignore the Robert Downey, Jr. 2 hour movie version that came out a few years ago, directed by Keith Gordon from Christine (he was the guy in love with the car, and he constantly called people "shitters"). This is a great BBC miniseries by Dennis Potter (Pennies from Heaven) that tells so many stories at once that it's hard to coalesce them all together. The first story is a dimestore paperback about a singing detective who has to solve a murder; then it's about the guy who wrote the first story, and is now suffering from a terrible skin disease in a hospital and tries to get through the pain and indignity of his illness; and lastly it's about the ruins of his childhood. All three stories swirl together, destroying the boundaries of reality and narrative sense, with actors playing multiple roles and fictional characters wandering in and out of the writer's present day Hell. It also features some rather great musical performances and an excellent cameo by a Hitler puppet. Michael Gambon plays both the writer and his noir creation, and is absolutely amazing in his performance. Overall it's a great and fascinating story that's based largely on Potter's own life (though he would constantly deny it), and manages to be at once silly, dark, depressing, and meaningful.

If You Liked This Movie, Check Out: Pennies from Heaven. Potter's other blending of the real world and a fictional one, this time Depression era Musicals. The Steve Martin version is far better than the original BBC version in my humble opinion. But then again, I tend to huff things. So you be the judge.


11) Touching the Void

Docudrama is a horrible phrase, ennit? It sounds so lame, like it would be the title of a show on the Lifetime Network or something. Nonetheless, that is exactly what this film is -- a documentary with a lot of parts dramatically reenacted. Based upon the best selling book of the same name, Touching the Void follows two climbers who are trying to conquer a mountain in South America (a feat none had accomplished before) when things go terribly wrong. Without going into details, a nigh impossible choice has to be made, and a dark miracle occurs, all captured brilliantly through interviews and the reenactments of the horrific climb and the highly impossible tale of survival that spun out of it. It's so gripping and unbelievable -- you already know the outcome and know that it isn't actually happening on screen, but still you find yourself sucked in and hoping that it all turns out okay. Well worth your time. It's rated R because people swear when they fall down chasms and limbs brake and apparently children can't take that, in this country.

If You Liked This Movie, Check Out: Super Size Me. Another documentary about an ardurous task that will leave you in disbelief and shock, but for entirely different reasons. Seriously, MacDonald's is gross. I am NOT lovin it, sir! Not at all.


10) Solaris

Yes, I'm referring to the 2002 version with George Clooney and directed by the guy who did Erin Brockovich. I know it's cinephile blasphemy, but I prefer this version to Tarkovsky's, so be it. I think the score is amazing and is such great music to play while you envision some catastrophic dream. The claustrophobic set, intense cinematography, and nervous breakdown editing all make this just play on my brain and my nerves a lot more than 1972's Solyaris. This film is sci-fi, but not by much. It concerns a space station monitoring the planet known as Solaris, deep in space. When something goes wrong with the crew aboard the station, troubled psychiatrist George Clooney is dispensed to save the day -- but he has no idea how, or from what he's saving everybody. The movie has more to do with loss, love, letting go, and the vicelike grip of our ghostly memories than it does alien contact or space exploration. Based upon a book by the mad genius Stanislaw Lem, this film is a great hypnotic piece of art. Also, director Steven Soderbergh said that if the audience does not enjoy the first ten minutes of this film, then they should just leave. Brilliant!

If You Liked This Movie, Check Out: Bringing Out the Dead. Scorsese's underappreciated atmospheric film about EMTs, ghosts, and how much the dead really wear on our thin souls. Great soundtrack, I might add. "I am the Japanese sandman."


9) Melvin Goes to Dinner

What? A talky comedy about Gen Xers' lives, loves, careers and everything else in between? AND it's an independent film? Get out of here! No, it's true. But wait -- this is a good one! Directed by Bob Odenkirk (Mr. Show), Melvin Goes to Dinner is quite funny and also struck home with me in a couple of scenes and conversations. The film concerns a dinner between four people, each mainly being friends with only one other person at the table, but everyone is pretty much a stranger to each other. Throughout the course of the movie, they talk about sex, god, ghosts, insanity, love, marriage, work, and so many other things in between with equal parts humor and gravity. If My Dinner with Andre actually had a pulse and/or a sense of timing, then it would be called Melvin Goes to Dinner. The best parts of the movie, in my estimation, are whenever they show a flashback which usually features a weird but realistic character portrayed by such comedians as David Cross and Jack Black. Phylogiants indeed! Also, Maura Tierney's in it, and she's just hot. Maura, if you're reading this -- call me. I'm much better now.

If You Liked This Movie, Check Out: Dinner for Five. A great IFC series about filmmaking; it shows how hilarious stories and personalities can emerge from a simple dinner surrounded by cameras and featuring famous people. Some of the conversations are incredibly revealing, and some also show people I thought were pricks either redeeming themselves (Andy Dick has a soul?) or proving me right for my harsh judgment (Hello, Chevy).


8) Roger Dodger

Another talky indie, but this one is decidely much darker. Roger Dodger concerns Nick's (Jesse Eisenberg) education in the fairer sex as instructed by his mysoginistic lothario of an uncle, Roger (Campbell Scott). Roger works in advertising, so he understands how sex works, how the mind of men and women work, and just how base and primitive we all really are. Midwest native Nick, meanwhile, is adrift in the city, visiting his estranged uncle, who then proceeds to take him out on the town for a night to get laid, meet women, and drink a lot of booze -- maybe not in that order. The film is a lot of rapid fire dialogue about the power of the sexes, the power of sex, and all the complications that arise out of those struggles. Both men are sportin' wounds that neither wants to talk about, and while sensitive Nick is used to thinking with his head and heart, Roger does most of his thinking with other body parts -- including his near reptilian brain. Hilarious, slightly disturbing, but always frank, Roger Dodger is a great introductory course and review of just how screwed up Sex makes us all.

If You Liked This Movie, Check Out: Todd Solondz's Happiness to see the truly dark side of sex. This is a screwed up movie where you feel awful when you laugh, and can't help but feel fidgety and uncomfortable in your seat. Good times, though!


7) The Happiness of the Katakuris

It's Miike time! The prolific Japanese director Takashi Miike makes an average of about 4-5 movies per year in his homeland. Are all of them great? No. Some are horrible (City of Lost Souls). But this is a great movie, and so utterly unlike anything Miike had done before (Well, maybe a lil like Visitor Q, but still...). It's a musical, a zombie movie, and a family comedy -- complete with some scenes shot in claymation. If you're sick of taking drugs and watching Run Lola Run, check out this flick: it's a helluva trip. When the Katakuris find their hotel badly in need of funds or else they'll be ruined, they pray that they get some visitors soon. Well they do...only problem is that they keep dying. They try to hide the bodies, but that doesn't seem to work too well. And when a mysterious stranger claiming to be Queen Elizabeth's bastard Japanese son shows up, well the hilarity ensues! It seems like family fun, and there's something in it for everyone, but the fact is that this movie is such a cracked masterpiece it's so hard to look away. If only cuz of the super cheesy choreography.

If You Liked This Movie, Check Out: Audition -- and see what else Miike is possible of. I'll give you a hint -- it's one of the creepiest fucking films in the past 15 years. I mean, it's no Scooby Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed , but it's still frightening in its own right.


6) Fast, Cheap, & Out of Control

Errol Morris is one of the most innovating documentarian who came about even before the flood of documentaries in the past 3 years or so. His work is always interesting and provocative, studying a singular person or event and finding all the mystery and wonder that it contains. With the possible exception of his excellent and oft forgotten show First Person, nowhere is his gift for interviewing and finding the wonder in people's lives more evident than in this film. Morris profiles four men who are all in very different lines of work: there's a lion tamer, a robotics engineer, a mole rat scientist, and a topiary gardener. Yet, simply by letting them tell their stories, Morris is able to show all the qualities that these men seem to share with one another -- that sense of obsession and passionate love for creating something unique. Truly fascinating look at people who are definitely not swimming in the mainstream.

If You Liked This Movie, Check Out: The Fog of War. Morris's Academy Award-winning documentary that looks into the life and lessons of Robert Mcnamara, one of the masterminds behind the Vietnam War...oops!...I mean Conflict.


5) Trouble in Paradise

This great romantic comedy from 1932 is still funny and amazingly not at all dated today! It involves two con artists trying to score some money off a rich heiress, but one thing they didn't plan on is the man falling in love! Sorry, sorry -- I just wanted to sound like the preview guy. If only for a second. Sigh. Anywhoski, Ernst Lubitsch directs this hilarious movie that has rapid fire banter and some great innuendo and entendres that made the crowd of hipster doofuses that I saw it with laugh. It's recently been released on the Criterion Collection DVD. So it's got a great transfer, and a boatload of extras. I really was blown away by how funny this movie is, and how much it never seems at all dated. Silent pictures are able to defer from being dated, but the early talkies? Well, give it up to Lubitsch, who proves he still has the "Lubitsch touch". A movie you can actually describe as "pithy"; go on, say it right now. Doesn't that feel good? You liked that, didn't you bitch?

If You Liked This Movie, Check Out: Tadpole. This indie shot on digital cameras captures one of the best (and last) performances from John Ritter as the father of an exceptionally brilliant 15 year old boy, who just so happens to be in love with his stepmom (Sigourney Weaver). It's pretty cheap on visuals and the budget, but its verbal dueling and hilarious acting by all involved still make it a very engaging little film.


4) Kicking and Screaming

More young people talking? What am I, some kind of queer? Yes and no, respectively. Kicking and Screaming concerns a small group of friends who are graduating from a liberal arts college into a world they neither know nor care to. As Chris Eigeman's character, Max, puts it "What I used to pass off as a bad summer could potentially turn into a bad life." It's full of people that I feel I know and in some parts, I know that I am: Pop culture junkies who are overeducated and undermature, who are so comfortable with academia that they hang out around their college like children whose mothers have forgotten to pick them up from soccer practice. With great discussions of future fears, past failures, and present idiosyncrasies, this movie really just seems so right and horribly relevant. Although I do find the frank disclosure of "who beat off today?" a little odd. And this isn't to be confused with "Kicking & Screaming" the soccer movie coming out later this year with Will Ferrel.

If You Liked this Movie, Check Out: The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou. The writer/director of this movie, Noah Baumbach, appears to have become Wes Anderson's new writing partner in crime, beginning with this oft overlooked gem. Lotta people thought this movie was only okay, but I loved it. I thought it was a great realization of a maudlin child's dream...and with David Bowie in Portuguese! Suck on that!


3) FullTime Killer

Asian action. Just the way I like it -- stylized, hyperviolent, and oh so cool. This movie concerns two assassins, O and Tok, the former being considered the best hitman around, and the latter who will do anything to claim that title. O is incredibly professional -- his kills are clean and relatively quiet and boring. Tok, on the other hand, gets all of his ideas from movies and so he makes a big flashy splash when he goes out to kill people, hoping to get his name out there for all the right people to see. A weird combative relationship is struck up between them, with a sweet housecleaning girl caught in the middle. Add also a couple of cops on their trails, and this movie which should be laden with cliches, becomes highly involving and really fun to watch. It gets a lil loopy towards the end, but the high energy, badassery of the action, and the sheer pleasure from watching this action movie end up winning out over even that.

If You Liked This Movie, Check Out: Leon (aka The Professional). Written and directed by Luc Besson when he still had talent and wasn't a complete hack, this is a great stylized action flick featuring Jean Reno as a cold blooded (if somewhat dim) killer assassin who is very good at "cleaning" up his client's messes. Then there's Gary Oldman as the out of control whack job crooked cop who is truly a real menace on the streets. Enter Natalie Portman, playing a victim to Oldman's savagery and bloodletting, who manages to melt through Reno's icy veneer as they slowly bond together, leading Oldman and Reno onto an explosive collision course.


2) Comedian

This is a wonderful look into the lives of, what else?, comedians. It shows two very different people at very different places in their lives and careers. One is the immensely succesful Jerry Seinfeld, who after ending his sitcom took all of his millions and marched bravely back into the line of fire of stand up. He retired all of his old act, so he's constantly trying out new material, sometimes bombing and sometimes out right forgetting it. He's a true god among comedians now, so whenever he approaches the mic with his act, it's a lot different than before. The other person is Orny Adams, a hopeful up-and-comer who dreams of making big bucks and becoming a huge star. He's also playing all the clubs and comedy festivals, and getting a lot of buzz about him as he progresses in his career. This documentary looks into the behind the scenes of the comedy world, all the personalities involved, and what type of mental disorder drives a person to stand up in front of people and ask them to judge their thoughts. While Seinfeld comes off as the seasoned pro who still seems unsure of his new life, Adams just comes off like a Grade A douchebag. And that's where a lot of the greatness of this film lies; not just in the stand up routines that are shown, or in the backstage meditations on comedy and stand up, but in the dynamic that is profiled between these (seemingly) two very different people (Seinfeld has since said that he actually does have Adams's personality, he just hides it better from being in the biz longer). Funny, mesmerizing as a train wreck, and actually pretty informative, Comedian manages to show the psychosis of Stand Up in a very understandable and intelligent light. Plus, Colin Quinn doesn't come off as big as a douchebag as normal. Seriously, comedians LOVE Colin Quinn, while TV audiences just pretend he's not there.


If You Liked This Movie, Check Out: Adaptation. Spike Jonze and Charlie Kaufman reteam to bring forth this absolutely brilliant film which is also about the insanity of the creative process, and all of the manic feelings that swarm inside the minds of writers and other artists.


1) Fantastic Four

Not the new super blockbuster that is prolly gonna suck since it's been directed by the jackass schmucktard that made Jimmy Fallon's craptastic Taxi. No, no, no. This is a movie made in the early nineties, an adaptation of the beloved first family of Marvel Comics. For all of you that don't know, the Fantastic Four revolves around four astronauts (Reed Richards, his wife Sue Storm, her brother Johnny Storm, and odd man out Ben Grimm) who get bombarded by cosmic rays and are drastically transformed into super beings that wish to battle evil and explore the unknown. Reed becomes Mr. Fantastic and can shape, stretch, and move his body anyway he chooses. Sue becomes Invisible Girl (later Woman) , a telekinetic that can cloak her body so as to appear invisible to others around her. Johnny can turn into a giant fireball and fly and project flame at others, thereby earning the name Human Torch. Unfortunately, Ben gets the shit end of the stick, and is permanently transformed into a solid rock mass of a monster known as The Thing, endowed with super strength, rock hard skin, and the curse of having to always look like a freak. That's The Fantastic Four...doesn't that sound like a great movie that everyone would want to see? It wasn't. On any accounts. The studio (I believe it was Roger Corman's AIC pictures, or some Corman owned company) that owned the rights to The Fantastic Four was going to lose said ownership unless they started shooting by a certain date. Well, the producers said "What the fuck" and started shooting -- NEVER INTENDING TO RELEASE THE MOVIE. Unfortunately, no one told the cast or much of the crew that. They all thought they were making a little bit above B-Level action movie. Well they weren't. The effects were horrible, the script terrible, the acting the worst. But, as intended, the movie was never released. Fated to disappear into the halls of whispered legend and curious half-remembrances. But wait...enter the hero of the picture -- THE VIDEO PIRATE. Someone obtains a copy of the video of the movie from the studio. And they bring it to a comic convention, and from there it spreads like herpes at Spring Break. It, along with the Star Wars Holiday Special, is one of the most sought after and prized bootlegs and pieces of nerddom in all the land. It is also horribly despised by everyone (including Stan Lee) and hard to track down. In fact, I've never seen it. But if you are looking for it, Comic Conventions and E-bay are riddled with copies. And if anyone reading this owns one, please send me a copy of it. I'll be your best friend, and eternally grateful. Hell, I'll even give you a sip of my soda.

If You Like This Movie, Check Out: Captain America. The word "Like" in this case is being used ironically. These are horrible movies with no budgets that are supposed to be huge epic action movies. Captain America has some of the worst action, gayest uniforms (and that's saying something right, General Zod?), and horrible make up. Not to mention the plot...what shreds there are of it. It's a complete train wreck.



So there ya have it. 15 movies to check out and see if my opinion is worth a damn. Go on, try me. I dare ya! Anywhoski, hope all is well with everyone.


Also, I'm declaring a Jiihad on Jamster. I hate their commercials, I hate their pop up ads, I hate the service they are attempting to bombard me with. I don't need to hear Baby Got Back in little beeps and buzzes, or see some mutant frog all hopped up on Crystal Meth every time a cell phone rings. Fuck you, Jamster. i'll see you in hell, you piece of shit.


kisses!