I've got your answers RIGHT HERE!!! No seriously, just scroll down.

1) Our President FORBIDS the creation of Animal/Human hybrids (otherwise known as Manimals). If the technology did exist, what Animal would you want to fuse with? Why?

Come on. Shark. All the way. "Sharky!"

2) Would You Rather Be a Private Detective or an Undercover Cop?

If I could rock the Magnum stash, and maybe have some form of a colorful sidekick/partner, then definitely Private Detective. I'd only be an Undercover Cop if it was like an Infernal Affairs situation. Dammit - no one's seen that movie.

3) If You Could Fight Any Member of Superfriends, who'd it be? Which character would, in fact, be your Super Friend?

I would fight the Wonder Twins. That's right - BOTH of Them. And who'd be my friend? Please, isn't it obvious? Black Vulcan. He's pure lightning - in his pants.

4) What song, released in 2005, best sums up YOUR 2005?

"Always New Depths" by Bloc Party. "Mr. Ambulance Driver" by the Flaming Lips is a close second.

5) If you were a superhero - would you have a cape?

Depends. If I flew? Definitely. If i didn't? No way.

6) What's the strangest thing that ever made you cry?

Independence Day. It was on in the background while I was cleaning up. I wasn't even watching it. And it was that part where Randy Quaid & Bill Pullman defiantly make the last stand against the aliens, and then Quaid sacrifices himself for the good of all mankind. And suddenly, I was weepy. The hell did that come from?

7) Fireworks: Awesome or Awful?

You know, they're cool and all...but overall, it's just kind of retarded. I mean, you're just watching stuff explode. I dunno - if it was in a Michael Bay movie i would be unimpressed. Why is it suddenly entertaining when done by a group of Carnie Rejects?

8)Who (one band/musician) would you want to do the soundtrack for your life? Who SHOULD do the soundtrack to your life?

I would want the Flaming Lips, cuz they make the tragic sound profound and interesting and entertaining. And the happy parts would seem a lot happier. Who should do it? Some crappy melodramatic untalented but mildly popular band. Like Switchfoot.

9)Do you remember the first lie you ever told? If so, what was it?

I really don't. Probably "No, I'm okay."

10) If You Could Fight Any Character from Can't Hardly Wait, who'd it be and why? Which character are you most like?

I would say I'd fight Jerry O'Connell's character - cuz it would be great to beat up the over the hill college kid that came back to a high school party. But I'd also want to beat up actor Ethan Embry - cuz fuck that guy.

11) Best Adam Sandler movie? (no, it's not an oxymoron)

Punch Drunk Love - although Billy Madison is his best comedy. And does anyone remember Bulletproof? I remember seeing that in theaters, and thinking it was brilliant. I caught it like 6 months ago. I think i was a retarded child.

12) If you had the gift of flight, where would you fly to first?

Doesn't matter so long as it's the fuck away from here. In all seriousness, i would fly to Fiji or Hawaii. Maybe San Fran.

13) Have you ever known someone who reminded you of a celebrity, BUT that celebrity was pretty awful so you couldn't really tell that person? (For example, someone told me recently that I look like Ray Romano. That was hurtful and should've been kept to herself.) If so, who was the person and who was the celebrity?

I'm not gonna be naming any names - but there's someone out there an awful lot like Ashlee Simpson. And no one ever EVER wants to hear that one. Not even Ashlee Simpson wants to be told that she looks like Ashlee Simpson. She was a really sweet girl, too.

14) Would you rather have a sassy teen, sassy robot, or a sassy monkey for a sidekick?

Sassy Robot. Monkey is dirty and hard to control. Teens are jerks. Robot would be useful and provide ample hilarious observations throughout our many misadventures.

15) What band, TV show, or movie did you hate on for a long time, but then suddenly found yourself completely in love with?

I hated on Alias, and then found myself totally wrapped up in the first 3 seasons. Although my hating was vindicated in the 4th season. Honestly - what was that about? Also, I hated on Angel, but that fifth season is amazing. Some good stuff. And I also hated on Postal Service, but ending up liking them. Although now I'm kind of back to hating them again. And kind of M83 - although i was never all about them the way certain others were. And I hated on the Harry Potter books - but then ended up gobbling up all the books since 2002. Although i still find them poorly written and formulaic, i'll be damned if they ain't addictive.

16) Ironic Music Listening: Funny or Tired?

Sometimes a lot of fun ("You're the Best Around" from The Karate Kid), sometimes real tired ("Hulkster in Heaven").

17) If you could bring back a game from your childhood (MASH, Hopscotch, Kickball, Spike, etc), what game would it be? Why?

Kickball. I would make recess mandatory for work places everywhere. And all of the CPAs, and IT people, and human resources groups would play with each other. they could be human again, if only for 30 minutes.

18) If you had to be trapped inside of any TV show, as a recurring character within that universe, what show would it be? Why?

Saved by the Bell. They had so much fun, and were carefree, and seemed like good friends with each other. Plus i always wanted to travel by locker.

19) Have you ever written a poem for someone you love?

Yes, cuz i'm an asshole. Why is no one proud of doing this?

20) Would you rather be Giant (like Atomic size) or Microscopic?

MicroScopic.

21) Are Mummies scary? How about Zombies?

Mummies aren't. That gauze just has to be binding. Plus how can you be scared of someone that once worshipped cats? Zombies on the other hand - it all depends on what kind. They can run fast, move slowly, talk, not talk, operate machines, simple feast on brains. There's such a rainbow - you don't know what you can get. also, it's hard to reason with a dead person.

22) Write a horoscope for a Muppet Baby.

"Beware of your friend, The Comedian - remember it is not in his nature to be funny, but instead to rip you apart limb from limb in his neverending pursuit for blood and honey."

23) You just won the Lottery. What do you do the next day at work?

Spend all day, answering phones in the lewdest way possible - ask horribly inappropriate questions, etc.

And then i would spike the phone down. And proceed to tell everyone to go fuck themselves. And then I would inform everyone that i would be buying this company shortly. just to run it into the ground.

24) What One Hit Wonder band/artist was deserving of real acclaim?

You know, i'm gonna catch shit for this - but I think Third Eye Blind's self titled album is actually a great lil pop album. The rest of you pretentious fucks can suck my trunkbutt.

25) Do you still believe in the possibilities of wondrous, miraculous things occurring? Magic rings, parallel dimensions, Capital L Love, Monsters, spells, events that transcend space and time? Do you really?

Yes. I think this world is a shitty shitty shitty place. But there's still some corners where the amazing is possible, and the impossible is ordinary.