STATE OF THE UNION: Fuck Joementum!!
Remember in junior high and high school when the Principal would make a speech at a school assembly, and people would cough the word "douchebag" at him, or else just blatantly scream out "You Suck"?
Why don't the Democrats have the testicular fortitude of high school students?
Instead they display that most powerful tool of WASP-y resistance - they don't stand and clap. And when they did clap, it was in a smug and sarcastic manner. Except for Lieberman, who's a douchebag that agrees with everything evil in this country (FUN FACT: Whenever Lieberman talks, he always sounds like Droopy trying to pass a kidney stone!).
Last night's State of the Union was depressing on so many levels. Let's start off chronologically, shall we?
-Reporters can't CONJECTURE on what they think the President will be speaking about. Guess what? The White House releases an advance copy of the speech every year. And sure, there's always a chance that the President will go rogue and actually speak off the cuff, sincerely stating his opinions, fears, and hopes with the nation....hahahaha, I'm just fuckin with you. That'll never happen.
-When the President came in, flanked by the Party Leaders of Congress, did anyone think of Wormtongue (Brad Dourif) from Lord of the Rings as Bill Frist huddled by the Commander in Chief? "He'ssssssss very tired; thessssse are all enemiessss of the sssstate. Lissssten only to meeeee." To be fair, I bet Wormtongue didn't think you can get HIV/AIDS from sweat & tears like DR. Frist.
-If I was in this Congress, when the President passed by me, and tried to shake my hand - I would do 1 of 2 things: 1) Either pull the old timey pull hand away quickly and inform President Bush that he was, in fact, "Too Slow". 2) Shake his hand vigorously, with a huge smile, and say as pleasantly as possible: "Your Mother Sucks Cocks in Hell".
-Let's get one thing straight - Bipartisanship and Debate mean that people will disagree. You can't start off trying to play the great mediator (Does anyone even know who Henry Clay is anymore?) with these words:
In a system of two parties, two chambers and two elected branches, there will always be differences and debate. But even tough debates can be conducted in a civil tone, and our differences cannot be allowed to harden into anger. To confront the great issues before us, we must act in a spirit of good will and respect for one another, and I will do my part. Tonight the state of our union is strong, and together we will make it stronger.
And then going on into this bit:
Yet there is a difference between responsible criticism that aims for success, and defeatism that refuses to acknowledge anything but failure. Hindsight alone is not wisdom. And second guessing is not a strategy.
With so much in the balance, those of us in public office have a duty to speak with candor.
Unless your opinion disagrees with mine. Bush's rules for political dialogue follow the idiom, "If you don't have anything nice to say, then don't say anything at all." It's good we're taking lessons on civil political debate from Dear Abby. The real bitch of it, though, is that he is partially right. I agree with his condemnation of the Democrats who simply say "This didn't work! He's a failure! Boo this man!" and then have no answer as to what they would do differently. "Um, pull out?" Just sit down, idiot.
-Then came this little gem:
Members of Congress, however we feel about the decisions and debates of the past, our nation has only one option. We must keep our word, defeat our enemies and stand behind the American military in this vital mission.
So if you disagreed with what I promise, it's too late! You gotta support that promise now! This is also the plot of Wayne's World 2, for those unfamiliar with politics/Mike Meyer's ouevre. Basically Wayne promises a huge event, Waynestock, one that transcends time, generations, and all expectations of previously held concerts. But of course these promises were made out of desperation and false ideology, and in the hopes of keeping Christopher Walken away from Tia Carrere. So then Wayne has to scramble to assemble some sort of a concert, and everyone that bought tickets to Wayne's show on these false promises stares blankly at an empty stage. Then Aerosmith came and saved the day. I guess my point is that, Mr. President - it's time to call Steven Tyler.
-During all of this, Bush has been making dark references to the Enemy. Apparently, the Enemy wants to use fear to control us, and will do anything to take away our freedom and liberties. Hmm...a powerful person who uses fear to control what we think, how we feel, and how we live our lives...and is willing to trample on the freedoms and civil liberties of American citizens....I wonder who this Enemy is? Huh. Sounds familiar. Like on the tip of my tongue. Oh well. Guess we'll never know. Go get those Terrorloving Fearspreaders, Mr. President! (I said the same thing last night on the phone, so I'm sure he's heard it by now)
-Ready for the catch phrase of the Republicans during the midterm elections? "...We will not sit back and wait to be hit again." Yup, that's why we tapped your phones! To protect you! Cuz if anyone knows what's best for you, it's the power drunk senior citizenry who spend their days golfing and dining on your dollar, and then at night plow many an underage hooker while proclaiming their love of Jesus. Their fingers are right on the pulse. Thanks, Congress! And did I say "your dollar"? CORRECTION - whoever will give them money (rhymes with Mabramoff).
-So I counted about 8-10 different initiatives, programs, and commissions the President wants to start up. How will this help cut down our staggering, Andre the Giant-esque deficit? "Ummm..." Okay, okay. Let's move on - at least with all of these new programs and a war going on (not to mention the upcoming Iraq War 2: Iranian Boogaloo), taxes will be raised, right? "Well...you see..." Okay. Well, I mean we're going to have to get money somehow. "This year, my budget will cut it again and reduce or eliminate more than 140 programs that are performing poorly or not fulfilling essential priorities. By passing these reforms, we will save the American taxpayer another $14 billion next year and stay on track to cut the deficit in half by 2009." Oh what programs? Oh a bunch of education programs, including federal scholarships to college? Yeah, that totally jives with your whole idea of being remembered as the "education president".
-If I was in Congress, and I disagreed with what the President was saying, I would DEFINITELY start up a chant of "Buuuuuuullshit, Buuuuuuuuullshit". Or at least have a sign that said "What a Dick!" on it that I would hold up to a camera periodically.
-America is Addicted to Oil. The man's right. We're also addicted to nicotine, crystal meth, Lost, making bad choices, alcohol, McDonald's, celebrity gossip, crack, cell phones, football, iPods, porn, Oprah, Gwen Stefani's "Hollaback Girl" (we're slowly on the mend from that one), gambling, college basketball, sex, and American Idol. One day at a time, everyone. One day at a time.
-I think the fucker can say "nuclear". I really do. I think he chooses to say "nucular" cuz it makes him sound like an old-timey good ole boy who ain't got no learnin', but man does he got some great horse sense. And that just pisses me off. I would love it, though, if Bush in repose and away from the cameras actually speaks like Thurston Howell III, and then goes into his Blue Collar Comedy Tour routine whenever it's time to meet the press. "Oh dearest me, I suppose I simply must conduct myself properly in this dreadful Fox News interview. Oh well, enough prevaricating around the bush....Howdy, y'all!"
-This is just stupid:
Tonight I propose to train 70,000 high school teachers to lead Advanced Placement courses in math and science, bring 30,000 math and science professionals to teach in classrooms and give early help to students who struggle with math, so they have a better chance at good high-wage jobs.
It begs the question, if 70,000 teachers have no one in their class, are they really teaching anyone? Honestly, it's not the inabilities of the teachers - we have dumb kids. And having some teachers who can teach a bunch of mongoloids Advance Placement classes, is simply not gonna work. Although it would make for the basis of a hilarious sitcom. Or at least Summer School 2: Advanced MISplacement. Good luck, teachers! Enjoy getting the blame when all of this blows up in our face!
-Is Bruce Villanch writing for the president now? "Wise policies such as welfare reform, drug education and support for abstinence and adoption have made a difference in the character of our country." Obviously not, cuz this shit actually made me laugh out loud. None of the programs work. None of them. They've been proven, in fact, to be detrimental. Fuckin hilarious! And this is on a tangent, but STOP WEARING THOSE FUCKING T-SHIRTS, BRUCE! No wonder the Enemy hates us so much - you embody everything horrible, mediocre, and ultimately malignant about our contry. You're a walking bumper sticker in dire need of a horrific fender bender.
-Holy Crap. Does this mean what I think it means?
Tonight I ask you to pass legislation to prohibit the most egregious abuses of medical research, human cloning in all its forms, creating or implanting embryos for experiments, creating human-animal hybrids, and buying, selling or patenting human embryos.
Lizard men? Manimals? A race of atomic super beasts with the brute strength of gorillas but the cunning and reasoning of Man? Why have I heard nothing about this until the President broke the story? Or is this actually not based on any sort of fact, but the President watched Return of Swamp Thing last night and was creeped out by the idea of a Half-Wasp/Half-Human abomination?
-Can't fault him for this:
A hopeful society acts boldly to fight diseases like H.I.V./AIDS which can be prevented and treated and defeated. More than a million Americans live with H.I.V., and half of all AIDS cases occur among African-Americans. I ask Congress to reform and reauthorize the Ryan White Act and provide new funding to states, so we end the waiting lists for AIDS medicine in America. We will also lead a nationwide effort, working closely with African-American churches and faith-based groups, to deliver rapid H.I.V. tests to millions, end the stigma of AIDS and come closer to the day when there are no new infections in America.
-Oh, and none of this is historically accurate or fairly presented.
Yet the destination of history is determined by human action, and every great movement of history comes to a point of choosing. Lincoln could have accepted peace at the cost of disunity and continued slavery. Martin Luther King could have stopped at Birmingham or at Selma and achieved only half a victory over segregation. The United States could have accepted the permanent division of Europe and been complicit in the oppression of others.
So it's good that our President only gleans history lessons from episodes of "Sherman & Mr. Peabody".
And then it ends with the obligatory "God Bless America". And fuck everyone else! To be fair, we do need all the blessings we can muster. Besides, we've always been Jesus' favorite - deal with it, Lichtenstein!
The democratic response was pretty much a passive aggressive, snivelling "With all due respect, no offense or nothing, but we can do better. Somehow." And all it really did was highlight reasons why everyone should move to Virginia. Just once I want the Oppositional Response to be the same as Joe Pesci's opening arguments from My Cousin Vinny:
"Ladies and Gentlemen - everything that guy just said is bullshit. Thank you."
Oh well, what's the state of YOUR union? And can you believe this pre-empted...wait, what the hell is even on at 9pm on Tuesday?
Hollaback! (I guess I'm off the wagon)
posted by The Neurotic Monkey @ 8:48 AM
5 Comments:
PS "So this is how democracy ends, to the sound of thunderous applause." Had to make the nerd reference.
Hey y'all - this is what one person said about my post:
funny, yes. but it was your basic comedic, democrat response. lots of complaining, and no suggestions on what should be done. on anything. seems the type that pretty much anything a republican would say would not be a good idea. (maybe you think the same of me, but about dems, but i would argue otherwise and point to the new Ds we have in the valley - mayor and maybe, maybe the county exec. they seem to have some good ideas and i like the cut of their jib, post election...we'll see if their talk pans out. it sue didnt for afflerbach. and i certainly dont agree with every republican viewpoint, but obviously more so than the D viewpoint. for instance illegal immigration - can we please crack down on that?!?!)
and, on a side note i think it is hilarious how people have done a 180 on lieberman. when the guy was running for president, and then as the VP nominee, (with the same basic stances on many of the issues mind you), everyone seemed to love him and say how great he was. being a moderate D he gained a lot of support. but then he carried those views out in a bipartisan manner and supported republican ideas and now all the Ds, like your friend, hate him and call him a traitor. just an observation.
My rebuttal to the previous comments:
Herro!
Firstly, let me say i'm not here just to wile out and spew forth any party's talking points or go on a lengthy diatribe about how Bush = Satan. The fact is that I hate the Democrat Party. Can't stand'em. Probably for the exact same reasons you stated - they have no vision, no strategy, no sign of an alternative.
(If you want to read another rant of mine about politics and specifically the Dems & Republicans, along with some of my own suggestions, the check this out: http://robotsversusninjas.blogspot.com/2005/10/modest-proposal.html)
That being said, I would still say my ideals, beliefs, and politics probably allign closer to the Democrat Party than that of the Republican party. Overall though, I wouldn't say I'm particular close to any party.
And as to your assertion that I would hate anything coming out of a Reps mouth, I must disagree. I point to the fact that I state in my blog that I agree with Bush's criticism of those that are asking for pulling out, along with his words about AIDS research and assistance. (Although I have a HUGE problem with Frist - the "Doctor" who not only diagnosed Schiavo throug video tape but also stated that you can get AIDS through sweat & tears. Come on!) I even agree with most of Bush's ideals - a bipartisan government, a strong country, a world where immigrants aren't demonized, and I think education is fundamentally important and really the best way to invest into the future in a world of globalization. However, most of these points were merely rhetoric. For example, his extolling of education is immediately put into conflict with his proposed budget cuts - which include literacy programs and federal scholarships. And his No Child Left Behind Act detrimentally puts a lot of pressure upon teachers, children, and leans heavier on quotas than on actual learning. Not to mention this is an administration who believes that giving vouchers for private schools is more important than reconstructing and assisting our public school system.
I have problem with the fact that Bush uses almost the exact same tactics Orwell ascribes to Big Brother in "1984": A nameless Enemy that ominously waits at our gates, prepared to strike at any time, and therefore gives the Government carte blanche to act as they see fit "in the interest of security". This includes illegal wire tapping, rushed warrants, torture, and illegal and indefinite detainment of "enemies of state". I'm not about to act like we live in a world where true threats to our nation don't exist, nor that we can simply sit back and go about business as usual and assume we'll be fine. But I think there is a large gray area between diplomactic, rational reactions to perceived threats and illegal, tyrannical actions carried out under the name of Security (not saying Bush is a tyrant, just that some of these actions would be seen as highly Evil if performed by our Soviet counterparts during the Cold War). I don't believe the NSA has any rights to tap civilian phones - and if they are necessary taps, then why can't he go about it in a legal manner?
I have a problem when in his speech he puts forth initiative after initiative, and yet shows no signs on where the money will come for these committees, actions, and proposals. As redundantly stated - he is the first president to not raise taxes during a time of war (especially if you think about how much a War on Terror entails globally). So he cuts a lot of programs and speaks of welfare reform, rather than have to raise taxes, or crack the whip on the Pork that is being passed in Congress (on both sides of the aisle).
I'm glad he's finally admitting the need for alternative fuels, although not too thrilled with continuing use of "nucular" energy. I wish that these committees for both alternative energy and Social Security reform had been formed earlier - when a BiPartisan committee offered him their plans for such panels years ago. He refused them then. Better late than never, i suppose.
Mostly, I have the problem with his rhetoric and the manner in which he carries himself. This administration, and really most administrations since Reagan, never admits when it makes a mistake. He (and I'm going to say "him" since he is the spokesperson and flagship of the Administration) never once admits to culpability of mistakes made in New Orleans, in planning for Iraq, in the handling of National Security, and in the manner in which he & his cabinet have treated such bipartisan attempts. Even as he stated in his address, he calls for bipartisanship - but only if the two sides are on his side. I have the problem of a man who allows & effectively orders atrocious acts hiding behind the Cross. I have a REAL big problem with his stance on Stem Cell research (my alternative? encourage it). I have a problem that politics is no longer about pragmatism, about facts, and about real solutions. It's about charisma, popularity contests, polls, and the fact that people feel like they could have a beer with the president rather than consider whether or not they trust this man with their children's future.
I'm not smart enough, nor have all the facts in order to suggest financial ways to correct his errors. But I can make suggestions regarding his ethical choices, and the fact that this man seems very intent on not only bending to the Church's whims but also on centralizing government into one bumbling bureaucratic mess filled with sycophants where advancement occurs through nepotism, not merit.
I wish Bush would surround himself with more crticis. A group more in line with Lincoln's cabinet, where everyone had a different point of view, background, and would debate over their plans for the country rather than this GroupThink collection of Yes Men.
I'm not saying that Dems have the answer. Or Republicans. Personally, i think it's high time the senior citizens left the Capitol - if only to speak with some real people for a change, as opposed to the ones they just see getting paternity tests on Maury. I wish we could have debate in this country instead of screaming matches where everyone's terrified as being seen as unpatriotic. And I think if we can have more back and forth conversations like this one, on larger scales, than it's possible.
How did this person not post? Did they email you?
odd.
I would like to take this opportunity to thank you for being my filter for all things. Its so helpful! I forgoed watching the SOTU, but I know I can count on you for all the important details to be delivered to me in a more entertaining and humorous way than in their original form.
Glorious!
PS
KUCINICH 2008
peace and love to all
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