Gym Teacher Bob Wilkins Tries to Turn the Faculty at Brooks Junior High School into a Ninja Death Squad

Well, thanks, Mrs. Rosenblatt for giving me the floor. And congratulations on your recent interview in the local newspaper.

Now I know I'm supposed to be talking about the budget for my P.E. classes, or how the girls softball team is going to do this season, but I thought I would switch gears for just a second, if you'd let me.

Recently, I was at home, watching the television as I tend to do on my days off. I was going through the channels with the clicker, and I happened upon a movie: Delta Force 2: The Columbian Connection. Ladies and Gentlemen - This. Movie. Changed. My. Life. Starring one Mr. Chuck Norris. Now, I drifted in and out of the movie, but the main point was clear: Mr. Norris was able to assemble a rag-tag, rough n tough group of ninjas in order to rescue some DEA agents and take on a South American drug kingpin.

Ladies and Gentlemen of Brooks Junior High School - I propose we assemble our own Ninja Death Squad! Come on!

Sure, people think teachers can change the world. We all know that's bunk. I say the real people who are changing this world - doin' some good in it - are Ninjas. And with a little training, some elbow grease, and a lot of determination, I think we can become an elite Ninja Death Squad - handing out justice like hall passes during Health class.

Now, being on the Ninja Death Squad isn't going to be for everyone. Mrs. Halloran, for example - you lack the killer instincts and sensibilities needed to be part of an unstoppable vigilante force. Not trying to pick on you, but it's true. You don't have that blood lust that I get from Martin over here. Yes, You, Martin. I've seen that look in your eyes whenever you start talking about the Doppler Effect with your seventh graders. Their eyes glaze over, but your pupils explode with an inferno of rage. And so there will be cuts, but we will be stronger for it. And those that don't make the Ninja Death Squad shouldn't be bitter, but instead should celebrate the fact that their peers are working towards a brighter tomorrow free from Evil, South American drug lords, and...oh let's say, Robots. I guess we could fight robots. Why the hell not? We'll be freakin' ninjas.

I think with the right leadership, we could be a force of righteousness to be reckoned with. Who is qualified to lead us? Off hand I can only think of one man: Chuck Norris. But he's an incredibly important person with a very busy schedule, what with his constant appearances at various Walker, Texas Ranger fan conventions. I seriously doubt he would have the time to mold us into the lethal blow dart of justice that we may become. "So, without Sensei Norris, who can lead us?", I hear you asking. Well, if I may be so bold, I'd like to humbly suggest myself.

Why should I be the Alpha Ninja? Good question. First of all, I'm tall and athletic. The rest of you are rather frumpy looking. No offense. Now, Linda, don't take it like that. You're just starting off as clay -doughy, pasty clay- to be molded into a fast and fit fighting machine. I, on the other hand, already strike menace and fear into the hearts of the children here at Brooks. They see me, my whistle, and a red rubber ball, and I guarrantee you'll see some sweat and some tears. Also, I'm a natural born leader - I coached our ladies softball team, the Cougarettes, into three consecutive second place finishes over the past 4 years.

Yes, Bill, I know - your precious Mathletes have been the champions for 5 years running. But c'mon, Bill--mathletes? When we're facing down the nation's enemies, I don't think the quadratic equation is going to help us. And yes, Marsha, I know what the Quadratic Equation is. Try not to look so shocked. Either way, we don't have to settle the question about "Who's Gonna Be Alpha Ninja" right now. I'm just throwing my hat into the ring. That's all. Just putting my name out there.

Moving on, I brought with me some items to help familiarize ourselves to the Ninja lifestyle. First up is this little fella right here. This is a throwing star. Shiny, ennit? I bought like 40 of these lil buggers at a flea market over the weekend. Please be careful with them. As you can tell by the colorful and expansive collection of Band-Aids on my hands, these bastards are very sharp and very tricky. Feel free to pass this around, get to know our deadly arsenal of Justice.

Next up, I think you'll really like this one, it's a - Okay, what happened? Betty? Betty? Are you okay, Betty? I told you to be careful with those pointy stars of death, didn't I? Didn't I, Betty? Ok - see this is why we need leadership and this is why some people will not make the Squad. Well, Betty, you're the nurse - you take care of it yourself. Go on now. Maybe next time we'll listen to Alpha Ninja instead of handling these things willy nilly.

No, Bill - we didn't decide I was the Alpha Ninja, already. I was just saying it to make sure people would learn from Betty's mistakes. Now, Bill, if we just get into this infighting we'll...

...No, I don't think it was irresponsible of me to bring in a deadly ninja throwing star, Brenda. Well, I think it's just that we shouldn't let feeble retards like Betty handle the throwing stars. Now, Betty, stop crying! Dammit, some people just aren't cut out to become--

Bill! Not now, okay! Let's all just simmer down! We're losing focus! Do you know what we'll be facing as a Ninja Death Squad?

That's right, Hector - Robots. Well, more than just Robots. But the point is, Robots do more than call us "Feeble Retards".

Fine! Feeble Mentally Challenged People! Whatever, Marsha! That's not the point! No, it's not the point!

Okay! You know what? Forget it! I thought maybe we here at Joseph Brooks Junior High School were ready to deal out some justice with our fists, and some throwing stars, and maybe a sword or two. Yes, Hector, I got a couple of swords.

No! You don't get to see them. You've ruined it, and quite frankly, I'm very put off by this whole ordeal. I will be starting my own rogue Ninja Death Squad of one. Yes, it can still be a Squad if it's one person, Bill. Well, you know, maybe I'll get together with some of the teachers at the High School. Yeah! I will see about that! I think I have a lot to offer, thank you very much!

Now give me back the throwing star! Come on. C'mon, c'mon, c'mon! Just pass it forward. You guys are all jerks. I wanted to share something cool with you, maybe right some wrongs in the world, but all you proved is that you are not ready to handle the ninja's code of justice.

Cuz you know what's rule number one in the Ninja Code?

You don't stick yourself with the goddamn throwing stars and you don't cry when the alpha ninja calls you retarded!

Those are rules one and two. So there. That's all I had. Ruined again.

Oh, and there's gonna be a car wash to raise some money for the Cougarettes this weekend. Or some such bullshit.

Yeah, yeah, yeah...Go Cougars. Whatever.