Two Men Enter, One Man Leave...or in some cases, it's The Grimace

1) Adam Sandler vs. Jimmy Fallon

Most people chose Sandler, and I've got to agree. Not only is Sandler wiser, older, funnier, and bigger - but he's also well versed in physical comedies and sports movies. Plus you know the whole "Fallon ripping off Sandler completely but not as funny" thing has got to be buggin Sandler.

2) Mal (Nathan Fillion from Serenity/Firefly) vs. Han Solo (you know who he is)

The dark horse Mal came away with most of the votes, and he gets mine as well. Sure they're both rogueish and reluctant heroes who commandeer decrepit but dependable ships and associate with large mongoloids (Chewbacca, Adam Baldwin). But in the end, Mal fought in a war, lead troops into battles, and seems to handle himself quite well in fistfights. Han can't even correctly shoot Greedo first.

3) The Grimace vs SnuffleUpAGus (from Sesame St)

Say it with me now: Nothing can Kill the Grimace. Although I still think Snuffles is Big Bird's drug induced hallucination. And if Grimace sees him, too, that means Grimace is on the junk and therefore weaker. Imagine The Grimace on some sort of opiate fueled rage. Bits and pieces of the Fry Guys everywhere.

4) Demi Moore in Ghost vs. Jennifer Love Hewitt in Ghost Whisperer

Demi Moore was weak in Ghost, and she needed PATRICK SWAYZE and WHOOPIE GOLDBERG to protect her; and she was shacking up with Tony Goldwyn. These are all strikes against her, while JLH apparently solves mysteries...or some shit....on her show. Does anyone even watch that show? Plus JLH knows what it's like to be in hell -- she was a part of Kids, Inc.

5) Mike Meyers (the actor not the Slasher) vs. Kanye West

I agree with Drewseph that this would be a lot closer than most people think. Firstly, Mike Meyers is Canadian - the silent killers. He's well versed in drunken brawls and hockey, which might come in handy. Secondly, you know how much rage he's got in himself that he can only do three voices? Poorly, I might add. Thirdly, Kanye West had his jaw wired for like 3 months or something. Meyers would exploit that. In the end, I still gotta go with Kanye, but I think there'd be a good outside chance of Meyers redeeming himself for Goldmember.

6) Smurfs vs. Snorks

Smurfs. While the Smurfs have Papa Smurf to guide them, I detect a real vacuum in the leadership position of the Snorks. Plus they seem more interested in dancing and having fun rather than stockpiling weapons of mass destruction like the evil evil Smurfs. I'm not saying the Smurfs are connected to Al Qaeda...but think about it.

7) Mark Wahlberg vs. Paul Walker

Wahlberg. Even sans Funky Bunch, Marky Mark would make Walker his bitch. Walker can't even hold his own ACTING alongside Vin Diesel, how's he gonna compete physically against the Good Vibrations (feel it, feel it) that Wahlberg possesses?

8) Martha Stewart vs. Oprah

Stewart. Oprah's crazy and all powerful, but I bet that Martha, being the dedicate craftmaker, learned some tricks in jail (turn a tampon into a shiv using only your teeth, etc.). Also, Stewart probably hates black people, so a lil racist fuel tends to fan the flames.

9) Tara Reid vs. Anna Nicole Smith

Anna Nicole. Yes, Reid is younger and drunker. But Smith is from Texas, and has had a rough life of getting the crap kicked out of her and doing a bunch of pills. Trim Spa is basically speed, right? She'd move so fast, she'd be invisible! Meanwhile, an intoxicated Tara would just start crying in the corner about her failed career while slowly pissing herself.

10) Wolverine vs. Beatrix Kiddo (aka The Bride in Kill Bill)

Wolverine. Although Logan was a samurai in japan for a while, so it'd be cool to see them have a swordfight. Glayven.

11) Patrick Swayze vs. All of the kids in You Got Served

If it was Swayze in Roadhouse, no contest. But these kids have heart (as Camps stated), plus they are willing to serve anybody. I mean, they're not scared to serve you. That's pure balls people. You can't teach that.

12) Quint (From Jaws) vs. Steve Zissou (from The Life Aquatic)

Quint. I'm surprised how many people went with Zissou (quite a bit, actually). Firstly, it's a drunk versus a pothead. Going back to my college days - drunks always win. Secondly, Quint was in the navy. the mutherfuckin navy, y'all! He helped deliver the Hiroshima bomb! And his main diet consists of crackers and brandy. Zissou, while a wily and sneaky bastard, just cannot hope to stand up to such a salty, grizzled man.

13) King Kong vs. A Team of Raptors from Jurassic Park

Kong. While the Raptors are smart and excellent at assuming odd jobs under the name Mr. Pilkington, Kong is a big ape with a large hard on for a white chick. He fought a T-Rex and won, and if memory serves, the T-Rex beat the Raptors. So there ya go.

14) Locke (from Lost) vs. Col. Kurz (from Apocalypse Now!)

Kurz. He was an assassin for the government. Locke works at a box company. Kurz cut Chef's head off, remember people? Although Kurz did seem to have a death wish, but still - if he didn't think Locke was worthy, he'd probably just sodomized his brain or something, all while Locke babbled on and on about "destiny".

15) Vin Diesel vs. The Rock vs. 50 Cent

The Rock. Vin was a bouncer and 50 Cent was a gangbanger - but both have gone soft. The Pacifier, anyone? And 50 Cent would just talk about how he had been shot before when Rock would break in him in twain.

16) Jessica Alba vs. Jessica Simpson vs. Jessica Biel

Biel. I know, I'm as surprised as you. Alba's very skinny and a dancer. Simpson, while possessing the angry strength of an enraged retard, is simply unfocused and prissy. Biel trained for Blade: Trinity, went toe to toe with Leatherface, and took a punch from Dawson in Rules of Attraction.

17) Dave Chapelle vs. Martin Lawrence

Crazy Meltdown Car Crash vs. Crazier Meltdown Car Crash! My money is on Lawrence. He has more girth, more strength, and went publicly crazy, not just ran away to South Africa. Sure, Chapelle handled his breakdown with class, but if you want it handled RIGHT (as in waving a gun around in traffic) - look no further than Martin Lawrence.

18) Larry David vs. Bill Lumberg (Office Space)

This would be one of the worst fights of all time. Firstly, they would be in a ring with each other, talking for, like, 3 hours. And I mean, boring idle chit chat about foot care and snacks. Then David would get offended/say something offensive while Lumberg just nodded. Ultimately I gotta go with David, cuz he seems capable of action - but it would still be a shitty, shitty fight.

19) Panther vs. Cheetah

Panther. Hands down. NEXT!

20) David Blaine vs. Johnny Knoxville

I gotta go with Knoxville. Now, both men have shown their bodies can take some serious punishment, and Blaine has to be in good shape and command of his body to perform most of his tricks and stunts. But I feel like Knoxville's been in fights, while Blaine would use a magic trick to try and diffuse the situation and make people pity him. (SIDENOTE - I once met David Blaine's brother at a party in NYC, and he was doin this trick for my friend and i called him out on it, cuz he did a horrible job misdirecting. That dude got PISSED. He gave me the stinkeye the rest of the night. How do I feel about the whole thing? If you're gonna do magic, don't fuck it up. Not when I'm around. I don't fuck around when it comes to illusions.)

21)Ashlee Simpson vs. Avril Levigne

Avril would be the one talking up the most trash. Acting like she's very excited to finally beat up pop princess Ashlee Simpson. But as soon as they got in the ring, Ashlee would realize what it takes to be a star and to survive and would rip the Canadian apart. Also Avril would weep and crumble like the little bitch she is. Then Ashlee would dance a jig on Levigne's carcass.

22) She-Ra vs. Xena

Princess of Power vs. Warrior Princess, eh? I think Xena would be distracted by her lusting for She-Ra, and that would provide just enough of an opening for the Princess of Power to win. She-Ra.

23) Desperate Housewives vs. crew from Sex & the City

I hate both shows. But I think Nicolette Sheridan and Teri Hatcher would do anything to stay in the public's eye, while the Sex & the City bitches always seemed very complacent and WASPy. I would pay to see someone break Carrie's ginormous nose, though.

24) Conan O'Brien vs. Craig Kilborn

Kilbie. Yes, he's the inferior person and host. But he is more athletic (although I think conan's reach is longer). Also, Conan's giant head creates an excellent target - not to mention how easy it would be to "hit the button" behind his jaw (as Joe Rogan on UFC would say).

25) Star Wars fan vs. Trekkie

Drew put it best: "wow, this is probly the toughest one. i think i go with star wars. it appeals to more people, whereas star trek is more cultish (read nerdish) so i think the chances are greater theres a few tough guys who like star wars." True dat. But right after his spirit swelling victory, the Star Wars fan would then be kicked in the balls by George Lucas who delights in hurting the very people who support him.

26) Zach Braff vs. Cillian Murphy (28 Days Later, Batman Begins, etc)

Murphy. Admittedly this is an off kilter fight. I wanted to pair Braff up with someone, following his episode of Punk'd where he almost killed a 9 year old. But Cillian seems fairly badass. However, how about this fight -- Jon Heder (Napoleon Dynamite) vs. Zach Braff? Eh? You like?

27)The Golden Girls vs. The Designing Women (original cast)

Bea Arthur is like a real life Grimace, i.e. UNSTOPPABLE. Sure Delta would rip through Betty White and Rue Mclanahan like kleenex at a snot party. But, alzheimer's ridden Estelle Getty would suddenly recall her training from Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot! and make Annie Pots eat shit. With the stage set for a battle royale betwixt he-she Bea Arthur and 9th Wonder of the World Delta Burke, I gotta go with the unstoppable hermaphrodite. And then Bea celebrates with a slice of cheesecake and a small korean boy named Dong.

28) California Dreams vs. the band the kids were in on Saved By the Bell

Zack Attack from Saved by the Bell. While I think it would come down to Slater cleaning house - the real fight to watch would be Weasel Wiesel versus Samuel "Screech" Powers.

29) Hayden Christensen vs. Elijah Wood

I hate Hayden Christensen. Yes, he was good in Shattered Glass, but that was just him playing an evasive snake in the grass bitch. But he probably received some training in the Star Wars abominations. Meanwhile, Wood has been getting physical in Sin City & Green Street Hooligans (man, that movie came and went like a fart in the wind, eh?). Fuck it, I'm going with Wood. With the throng of Lord of the Rings people at his back, and Sean Astin in his corner, Elijah would destroy the wooden pretty boy.

30) Underdog vs Mighty Mouse

Mighty Mouse. Hopped on cocaine rodent versus a rhyming pill popper/shoeshine? Gotta go with the mouse.