Things That Make Me Happy (in my pants)

Seems straight forward enough, doesn't it?


1) The Colbert Report

Brilliant. Stephen Colbert brings the same glib absurdity that he displays in Strangers with Candy, Harvey Birdman, and his work on The Daily Show...only this time with a CGI eagle and a desk in the shape of a C (for "Colbert"). Suck on that, Beth Lilleford! Seriously, this show is pretty well done - although last night's episode (the third thus far) was a bit creaky, and Colbert fumbles with the words a bit too often. But overall, the show's amazing. It's like The Daily Show got in trouble on that work farm in Cool Hand Luke, then had to be pent up inside of the box for a few days in blazing sun, during which time it went complete crazy but still retained an interest in current events. It's literally just like that.


2) Serenity

Maybe this will bring a bunch of crazed nerdflock followers of all things Whedon to my blog. Or his orc like haters that despise the man and anything with his stank on it. As long as some sexually frustrated Battlestar Galactica enthusiasts comment on my blog and tell me how gay I am, I'll know I've made it. But seriously, Serenity is a great movie. Sure, without prior knowledge of the TV Show (Firefly) it would most likely just be a pretty good movie. But in an age where Teen Superman can't even fight off Pirate Ghosts and Al Pacino continues to be paid to scream at people, Pretty Good can be graded on the curve and be very very satisfying. Serenity is funny, witty, has characters you actually give two shits about and who have actual chemistry, a good shoot out, along with a wicked villain, snapping dialogue, and a real sense of danger about it. Don't believe me? Check out Ender's Game author (and seemingly ornery feller) Orson Scott Card's review of the film here. Or else check out The Onion AV Club's review of the flick here, for all my fellow posthipsters. It's a shame that the movie didn't do as well as hoped, and even more of a shame that us nerds are so quick to rip each other to shreds rather than unify in our unsociability. But I've seen the damn thing twice, and both times I laughed and walked out of the theater with a smile. Haven't done that since....White Chicks, probably. Cuz...hahahha...you see...hahaha...they're black guys PRETENDING to be white women--or chicks, if you will. GENIUS!


3) Making a Deposit at Work

This really pertains to my days when I was paid an hourly wage. Now, what I'm about to discuss is gross and shameful, and anyone that doesn't like bathroom subject matter should probably just scroll down. I mean, I don't know what you're doing here if you don't like some nice dick & fart jokes, but whatever.*** Did the pussy scroll down? What a lame ass. Anywhoski, one of my favorite things to do when getting paid an hourly wage is to take a dump on the clock. I'm not proud of it, and I know how puerile it is...but still. The fact that I can mathematically figure out how much I'm getting paid to take a crap really appeals to me. For example, let's say you are getting paid $8.25/hour. That equals roughly 14 cents a minute. Now, if you figure your average crap will take anywhere between 3-10 minutes (depending on what you've eaten and whether or not you're a Lactard), then that means you are getting paid 42 cents to $1.40 just to shit. There's something so wrong about that concept that it can't help but tickle my glee bone.
....
I know I ain't right.


4) Sia, "Breathe Me (Four Tet Remix)"

For those completely unfamiliar with this song, it was the song used in the last Six Feet Under (ding dong the witch is dead...seriously I hated that fucking show. Pretentious Crap is Dead, Long Live Pretentious Crap). I guess it was used when they showed everyone "being all old" as my friend Erin said. Personally, I find the original song fairly "Meh" with lyrics that sound as if they were cribbed from different Nine Inch Nails, Ani Difranco, and Death Cab for Cutie songs (re: whiny, hurt, and alienated). But the remix has a sweet little drum beat to it, and some nice string accompaniement which just makes it a better song and the lyrics less grating. Something good came from Six Feet Under, now if only Rome could boast the same. If you want to check out/download the song, hop on over to the archives of www.stereogum.com (by the way it's a great site full of funny lil indie news and some sweet MP3s) and just go to this page. If you can't download it that way, holla at your boy and I'll send it to you. I should point out that in that situation, I'm "your boy".


5) Raisin Bran Crunch

Is this the apex of breakfast cereals? The culmination of years of cereal research and technology that bears such delicious fruits? Or did god just cum into a box and decide to call it Raisin Bran Crunch? Does God's ejaculate have raisins in it? I don't know the answer to these questions, but alls I can tell you is that this cereal is da bomb, babeeee. Seriously, it's really good and with the one-two knockout combination of Raisins and Dairy, I think we all know where I'm gonna be for most of the day after eating a bowl full of this ambrosia. (Two poop jokes in one post? Oh, how the mighty have fallen...)


6) Comics 101 with Prof. Scott Tipton

Check it out here. Every week Scott Tipton reviews some aspect of Comics (be it an entire character, issue, writer, artist, title, etc) with an informative history lesson that works as an amazing overview of whatever it is he is talking about. When he likes something, his passion shines through and you end up thinking it's great and wanting to run back to your treehouse to drool over your old collection of The New Warriors. And he doesn't gloss over what makes things lame or even embarrassing (looking at you, Vibe, the breakdancing superhero from the 70s). Instead he shows off the obscure, dusts off the forgotten, shines a spotlight on the genius, and re-ignites several former fanboys' passion for the medium. He introduced me to Starro, the Giant Mind Taking Purple Starfish from beyond the stars (seriously, this is a villain that plagues the Justice League...what the fuck, guys?). Also, as a great added bonus, he replies to every email you send him with some more nuggets of brilliance, even though he probably receives hundreds of emails a week. Thanks, Scott Tipton, you do us Nerdflock proud.


7) Lost

It's a great show. Simple as that. I've been enjoying it and trying to spread the gospel of Lost (Lostpel?) since the beginning, but few would heed my call. And shame on all of you that only watched the season finale last season. You ruined the best hour of television since the last dream episode of The Sopranos. I'm talking about the episode "Walkabout" which has one of the greatest and most subtle reveals this side of M. Night Shyamalan. But now there exists a chance for redemption, you non-initiated readers. Everyone go rush out, pick up the DVDs, and watch the first season. Although all of the shocks and surprises will amount to diddly squat now that you've already seen some revelations. But still, it's a good show, and right now it's doing pretty great. They are really stoking all of the flames of paranoia and theories, whipping up quite a frenzy of interest and interconnectivity. Of course the eventual answer will be lame since we've all built it up as much as possible -- so just go along for the ride, enjoy all the freaky deeky island stuff now, and hope that Evangeline Lilly gives us fanboys a quick nipple slip. Plus Adebisi is back! Will he anally rape Jin in the jungle or just beat the shit out of Charlie? Are the two mutually exclusive? Only time will tell.


8) American Spirit (Lights)

Good cigarettes that burn for fuckin' ever. Delicious and have somewhat of a (regrettable) hipster image attached to them. But they are tasty, and outlast your average half-assed cigarette any day. I have very little brand loyalty, but I am particularly partial to these lil cancer sticks in the adorable yellow box. Thanks, American Indians! You guys are the best!


9) Positively Fifth Street by James McManus

Positively awesome! (Shudders...) This is a great account about a writer who finds himself in the World Series of Poker at the Horseshoe in Vegas. The book deals with the history of cards, the bloody beginnings of Vegas, literary explorations into the world of gambling, math, testosterone, psychology, and it also follows to the murder trial of the Prince Hal of Vegas (death by someone sitting on your chest is pretty bad...still beats that Molasses Flood of Boston, though). While it helps to enjoy the game of Poker, it is not a necessity. McManus writes at a quick pace that helps you feel his pounding pulse as he sits at the felt and hopes to win big, or when he's getting the most horrific lap dance ever conceived by man or God.


10) Internet Video for "Hold Me Now" By The Polyphonic Spree

I love me some puppets. They can be adorable (The Muppet Show), creepy (That marionette scene in Nightmare on Elm Street 3, Mr. Marbles from Kramer's apartment), or just weird (Meet the Feebles). In this video, they're just some kooky fun lovin moppets enjoying the feel good up with people vibe of a optimistic song by a cult. what's not to like? Check out that adorable mole and his freaking hyper excitable friends here.


11) "The Passenger" by Iggy Pop

Yes, I will admit up front that my renewed interest in Mr. Pop's song comes from the trailer for The Weather Man starring Nic "I'm assuming my son, Kal-El, will have a rough childhood" Cage. So hate on me if you will. But it's still a great song. Over the summer I got into "Search + Destroy" by The Stooges again thanks to The Life Aquatic. I guess my point is that Iggy Pop just keeps on popping up. Oh christ, I think I just made a pun. Okay, people: I'm sorry. Just remain calm, and we'll get through this. It's more afraid of us than we are of it. Just don't make eye contact and slowly creep away. Let's carefully move on to the next item on our list, shall we?


12) Halloween Programming

I love this time of year cuz it means time for horror movies to be on cable 24/7. And not just good ones! Oh no, they let loose the shitty dogs of war onto an unsuspecting populace (PS - if you see a movie called The Boogens on IFC, just run the fuck the other way. Essentially, I think someone just found an abandoned mine and wanted to make a movie using it...unfortunately a script wouldn't arrive until three months after photography wrapped). You can watch Jaws, Creature of the Black Lagoon, Prince of Darkness, and Bride of Frankenstein on the same day you also get Wishmaster 4, Leprechaun: Back 2 Da Hood, and Frankenfish. Mmmm...delicious. See, Horror movies, to me, are like Sex or Pizza...even when it's bad, it's pretty damn good (and if you go long enough without partaking in it, you go a little crazy and do things you regret...no offense, hunchbacked lady I hooked up with last night). So I revel in this time of the year cuz I get to just roll around in the filth of scary movies and cheesy gore fests.


I'm sure there's other things that are currently making me happy (that I'll confess to, at least). But for right now that's about it.

Please, someone, anyone, chime in with your thoughts on my happy places and tell me a few of your own.

Great. I'm begging for comments on my Blog. A new low.