Hopefully this Test will go A LOT better than my last one...

...I mean, who's even heard of someone getting scurvy in the 21st century? Muthafuckahs. Anywhoski, big props to any and all that responded. Maybe one day I'll tabulate the results and see what the leading answers are (I'm guessing smarky, smug responses will be number one).

So here's me throwin my hat in the ring:

Lachaim!

1) Which would you rather live in: A Cloud City (like in Empire Strikes Back or The Jetsons) or an Underwater City (like Sealab)?

Cloud City. This one is actually tough. Neither habitat has any weather, per se. Since the city is above the clouds, Cloud City would never experience anything except for a lot of strong sunlight. But that's still better than the musty recycled air of being stuck in an underwater facility. And sure, fish are soothing to look at -- but sometimes i wanna huck a penny off a balcony and imagine the huge crater it'll leave on some unsuspecting schmuck's forehead.

2) What were the Smurfs? From whence did they come? Mammals, reptiles, insects, none of the above?

Dude, they have hair. MAMMALS!

3) As a child, did you ever feel any sympathy for Cereal Mascots that were denied their own Cereal (like the Trix Rabbit, Cookie Crisp Burglar, Lucky Charms Irish Midget, etc.)?

Clearly I did. I would always be so pissed off that the huge Cereal Corporations were milking the tragic daily escapades of these characters, using their misery to shill some sugary swill (alliteration double word score). Furthermore, my pathetic childhood empathy would extend to characters who were never supposed to receive it in the first place. I always felt bad for Wile E. Coyote and Tom (from Tom & Jerry) -- they were just hungry/following nature. Why should they be the bad guys? Why are they deserving of all of this pain? Also, what kind of parents let their children just chase after some demented irish dwarf in the woods, screaming and harrassing him and trying to steal his delicious breakfast treats?

4) Would you rather be a henchman (or henchwoman) for a Bond villain or for COBRA? Why?

Bond. Which I believe won in an almost landslide. I mean, as the henchman for the Big Bad, I get some cool little idiosyncratic freak trait, a tux, and one good quip (or at least a well timed "GRAAARGH!"). And while you may be doomed to failure within the confines of the Bond film, it always seems like the Villains are very succesful when not dealing with Bond, so i'm sure you get some good benefits -- like full dental and all that.

5) What's your drink of choice? Alcoholic? Non-alcoholic?

Alcoholic -- Cold Bud Light. Yup, I'm just that Swanky.

Non-Alcoholic -- Cherry Coke.

6) How do you like your zombies: Slow Walkin or Runnin Like Crazy?

I know I'm gonna stun some peeps out there -- but the answer is Running Like Crazy. That's just pure blind psychotic rage coming at you with determination. Is it realistic? No. Is it as iconic as the beloved classic style? No. But if i were in that situation and some dead freak was making a bee line for me, I'd be a lil perturbed. Although really, the best type of zombies are the ones that like to get down! "Cuz this is THRILLERRRR!"

7) Bacon or Sausage?

Bacon tastes good. Sausage tastes good. In terms of breakfast meats, they are on very similar playing fields. But in terms of extracurricular activities, Bacon pulls ahead with its versatility and multitasking to win this race. Also, the smell of bacon cooking in the morning is one of the best aromas to wake up to. Mmmmm....lard.

8) Which term is more offensive to you: Evildoers or Postmodern?

Evildoers. Postmodern was invented as a joke that dumbass intelligentia like myself would end up actually using. Evildoers was said in all honesty and made it seem like our President got his information on International Relations from a Transformers episode.

9) Do you think you could beat up a perfect clone of yourself?

We'd just try to out self-deprecate each other, until eventually one of us killed himself.

10) Name 3 people Definitely Going to Heaven.

Shel Silverstein, Brian Wilson, and the dude that invented Corn Dogs.

11) What song or album best represents how you feel right now?

"Blue Bayou" by Roy Orbison or "Swing life Away" by Rise Against

12) Would you rather know Kung Fu or how to Hypnotize people?

Kung Fu.

13) Do you believe in life in outer space?

Yes, but they probably don't want to talk to me, either.

14) Would you rather fight one large giant man or three tenacious midgets?

Giant man. I figure if his Mommy + Daddy Button is in my face I'm allowed to swing away, and then I finish him off with a choke hold. Do you know how hard it is to get a good swift kick to the groin of a midget? Let alone 3? Also, the midgets are pissed at the world and a scrappy bunch, while the worst the giant has to endure is the "how's the weather up there" comment he gets from middle aged men.

15) You're a Transformer, essentially you are more than meets the eye. What do you transform into?

Mandy Moore's iPod. Rrreow! (Although, Ironically I am incapable of playing Mandy's own music)

16) Do you believe in Destiny/Predetermination or Free Will?

A little bit from Column A, a little bit from Column B. I think life is a Choose Your Own Adventure book -- a lot of predetermined endings, but you pretty much decide the sequence. And it tends to involve treasure.

17) What would be the name of your biography/biopic?

Yeah, I'm Disappointed I Turned Out This Way, Too.

18) Do either Old People or Small Children annoy you? If so, which group annoys you more?

They both annoy me, but Small Children aren't allowed to drive or vote in record numbers. Also, it's okay to patronize a child, but Old People demand respect even when they are claiming that you work for Tojo.

19) What was your favorite fairy tale as a kid?

Sleeping Beauty. I wanna slay a dragon and get to make out with a Princess.

20) Have you ever started a Wave at a professional sporting event?

No. I'm even reluctant to stand up for the Hot Dog guy just in case it's perceived as the genesis for a wave. You come to me, Weiner Boy.

21) Truth or Dare?

Depends on the crowd. Drunken fat guys? Probably truth. Half-naked drunken Girls? Still...sadly...probably truth.

22) What song do you want playing at your funeral?

I've covered this before. But my new addition is "While My Guitar Gently Weeps" by The Beatles.

23) Out of this group of people, pick one who is deserving of a comeback: Steve Guttenberg, Tom Selleck, Mario Lopez, Debbie Gibson, Scott Baio, Woody Allen, Arsenio Hall, Harrison Ford, Harold Ramis, Meg Ryan, Cameo, Vendela, Bea Arthur, Elliot Gould, Jon Lovitz, Calista Flockhart, Matt Groening, Dan Aykroyd, Markie Post, Kevin Smith, Wes Craven, Britney Spears, Ally Sheedy, or The Littlest Groom.

Woody Allen. When he's great, he's AMAZING. The rest have all been pretty good, even at the top of their game. But Woody's films as of late have been really lackluster. I mean...Michael Rappaport? Come on!

24) Favorite Quentin Tarantino Film: True Romance, Reservoir Dogs, Pulp Fiction, His segment in Four Rooms, From Dusk Til Dawn, Jackie Brown, Kill Bill vol. 1, Kill Bill vol. 2 (yes I know they're one film, but I'm splitting it up so deal with it).

Kill Bill Vol. 2 (and for the record -- I love Jackie Brown).

25) Astrology: Bullshit or Bulltrue?

Bullshit. But it's a lot of fun to read your horoscope and realize how your life may be shitty cuz of some stupid dying suns.

26) Any last words?

"The antidote for the poison can be found in the---AAAAAAAAAGH!"