Mad Monkey Beyond Thunderdome

So i'm back, for any and all of you that care (Hey, Grandma! Thanks for the Email. Although that picture was a lil inappropriate).

What have I been doing? Nothing. Mourning the loss of my lil computer, and embracing my new one. Angrily getting betrayed by my geek brethren, enjoy Entourage, and preparing for a great haji into NYC. I could do a "Start Spreading the News..." joke, but why subject you patient and loving people with such hackneyed tripe?

Since last I posted, not much has happened really. Too hot for too much drama and truly interesting things to occur, but let's make our way through the muck (and yes, there's some mire as well) together.

--JUST WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY? Do you think any time any actors are asked to be friends with Johnny Drama (Kevin Dillon) on HBO's Entourage they perceive it as an insult? "Okay, well Mr. Casper Van Dien, we want you to play the best friend of a washed up B movie actor. You'll be in such company as Ralph Macchio, Chris Penn, and Pauly Shore. What do you say?" By the way...did Chris Penn EAT his brother or something? The fuck happened buddy? I mean, he was always husky (even in his Dancing Montage in Tight Shirts Footloose days), but this is downright scary. Also, how long until Matt Dillon plays one of Drama's friends, thereby falling to the same level as his brother's fictional character? "Do it for Johnny, man. We're gonna do it for Johnny!"

--ALL IN ACCORDANCE WITH THE PROPHECY The Good Guys won. On the Inferno, the Bad Asses were soundly defeated by a motley crue of meatheads with bad haircuts and beautiful beautiful woman. Turns out that Down Trodden Tonya can't run when full of Tequila, and Juanita Madden is fat. Plus when CT yells at people, they tend not to respond the way he hopes. Shocking, as I usually try and put in 110% when someone screams "GOD DAMN IT! MOVE YOUR FUCKING ASS, YOU COCKFUCKING DOUCHEBAG!" But apparently not so much for the Bad Asses. The whole thing was rather anticlimatic, with some grueling physical stuff that didn't really seem grueling since the camera crews were keeping up just fine even with all of their equipment. And the puzzle wasn't like some Ancient Riddle designed by Daedalus in the Labyrinth, but instead just "How Well Do you Know Your Former Teammates?" So it's gone from Brain Teasers and Mathematical Quandaries to using the Results of a Quiz that you Email to each other. That's terrific. Either way, if this show is a portend for the End of Days (which it most certainly is), then we've got some good news, people! Although I don't really think of The Miz as a Patron Saint, but hey -- it's Armageddon! It's all carazy like that.

--C'MON PEOPLE! Can we finally get to together as a species and outlaw "Hot Enough For You?" That stupid fucking phrase which is liberally sprinkled throughout meaningless pleasantries whenever I wander about my quaint little seaside town. I know it's meant to just be a nothing phrase and is a more polite way of saying "My testicles are sweating so much I feel like I have udders down there". But still, it's annoying. Middle Aged to Old Men everywhere: Stop saying this. it's annoying, it's stupid, and you are only bringing a thousand curses upon yourselves. How about a new saying? Any suggestions, people?

--THE REAL NATIONAL PAST TIME Summer's here, and it means time to mow your lawns. Personally, I love me some Lawn Care. Oh yes, it's true. It' s such a mindless activity that you just pull that rip chord, the engine fires up, and you can just zone out. Very Zen. I like those simple activities. Like Washing Dishes, as well. Also, at the end of it, while you've pretty much been brain dead, you've managed to actually produce something -- whether it be a finely trimmed lawn or a stack of clean plates. But that's just me...I'm a simple simple man.

--HELP A BROTHA OUT Anyone out there embarrassingly rich? Looking to unload some of that cash? Give it to me! I will either use it for adventuresome purposes (like stocking a boat full of supplies and then touring the world, or trying to find lost cities in the jungle) or perhaps to make a film. Anyone out there willing to give this first time filmmaker/adventurer a break? Let's try and make this world a little more magical and lot less mundane.

--IT BEGINS ANEW! So now a bunch of nerds are squealing with delight over War of the Worlds at such sites as Ain't It Cool News and Chud.com. Same places that loved Episode III and Batman Begins , saying both movies got the franchises "right". So is this another case of the critics settling into buying anything with a genre stamp of approval on it? See, if it was just Joe Blow from Anywhere Times saying "What A Great Thrillride!" I wouldn't mind so much; for as a friend's Pappy is fond of saying, "The Masses are Asses." But it's the Nerd Elite, those of us who are supposed to poo poo Blockbuster Schlock and soulless genre movies. Instead, everyone seems to be eating this up. And when did ThrillRide become a real word, anyway? I don't know whether or not the film will be good. Personally, I doubt it will be. PG-13 Spielberg, with the exception of Indy Jones, tends to be crap. Anything that he's done recently that's any good is Rated R fare (Schindler's List, Saving Private Ryan). And true, Jaws was PG, but that was a different time before he became SPIELBERG the Institution, and was a scrappy young filmmaker trying not to drown back into obscurity. I hope it's good, but I have my reservations.

--LOOKS LIKE TOM'S ON CRUISE CONTROL! HA-HA, I JUST MADE THAT UP! And never minding all of his insane fucking babbling and actions, why do people like Tom Cruise as an actor? He plays the exact same character all the time. Arrogant Man with subtle Insecurities that slowly Reveal a Real Human Being. Like Maverick in Top Gun, the cocksure fighter pilot that is great at what he does but is insecure about following in his father's footsteps and ridden with guilt over the loss of his co-pilot's life. Or Frank T.J. Mackey in Magnolia, a self assured arrogant misogynist guru that's great at what he does but has father issues and is trying to overcome his problems with his past. Or the titular Jerry Maguire, the arrogant agent who is great at what he does but has serious doubts about the ethics of his business and of his position in life. Or Chief John Anderton in Minority Report, the bad ass cop who is cocksure and great at what he does, but is still reeling from the loss of his son and deals with his guilt through drugs. And now, in War of the Worlds, he plays Ray Ferrier, a cocksure dock worker who is arrogant and cocksure but has insecurities due to his status in life. IT'S THE SAME PART EVERY TIME, DAMMIT! Also, amidst all of this TomKat tomfoolery (I'm a genius), how come there's little to no discussion of his TWO CHILDREN? I wonder how all of his dumbass antics affects his 10 & 13 year old kids, or if they've even met they're new Beard...I mean, Stepmom. And I like to officially congratulate Mr. Cruise on finally making it into the Hall of People, Upon Meeting Them, I Would Have an Internal Debate About Whether Or Not I Should Punch Them in the Face. "You're a jerk...You're a jerk...why would you do that?"

--AND OH WHAT HEIGHTS WE'LL HIT, ON WITH THE SHOW THIS IS IT! Stella premieres tonight on Comedy Central at 10:30 Eastern. Personally, I love these guys. I saw them live and they were great, funny, creative, and totally unique. And I own all of their little shorts that they've made through the years and when they're not truly hilarious, they're incredibly disturbing. Often both at the same time. I assume the new show will be watered down and fairly hit or miss with some parts just absolutely hysterical and others tedious and cliched. But I hope that it does well and fills the void that Upright Citizens Brigade left on Comedy Central all those years ago. Here's their site, if you wanna check them out a tad.

--SWEET HOME CHICAGO A week from today Sufjan Stevens's new album, Illinois, will "drop" (i'm down with the lingo). It's a continuation of his state series that was begun in Greetings from Michigan, The Great Lakes State. His new album is great. With this, Stevens cements his status as one of the greatest Singer/Songwriters ever. His music just flows effortlessly and is so evocative, earnest, and emotional. It's a Triple E threat. But definitely check it out when it comes out next week, i promise you will not be disappointed.

--WHAT ARE YOU LOOKIN' AT? Oldboy, Layer Cake, Infernal Affairs, Dirty Pretty Things, George A. Romero's Land of the Dead, King Kong Trailer (found here), the premiere of Stella tonight, Blade Runner (I just keep watching that movie over and over again. odd), Entourage, (sadly) Hell's Kitchen, Beauty & the Geek.

--WHAT'S THAT IN YOUR EARS? Aforementioned Sufjan Stevens, Illinois; The Dan Band, The Dan Band Live; Layer Cake soundtrack; Lovage, Music to Make Love to Your Old Lady By; Clogs, Stick Music; Iron & Wine, Live @ KEXP; Sage Francis, A Healthy Distrust; 22-20s, "Such a Fool" (featured in the trailer for Guy Richie's new film found here); Avenue Q soundtrack.

--YOU GETTING YOUR READ ON? Valis by Philip K. Dick; Gun, with Occasional Music by Jonathan Lethem; Stiff by Mary Roach; Resuscitation of a Hanged Man by Denis Johnson; V for Vendetta by Alan Moore and David Lloyd; Killshot by Elmore Leonard; The Real Deadwood by John Ames; The Wall of the Sky, The Wall of the Eye by Jonathan Lethem; Batman: The Long Halloween and Batman: Dark Victory by Jeph Loeb & Tim Sale.

"He wanted to do something melodramatic and endearing, but how could he be charming to somebody whose face he wanted to smash?"

-- Resuscitation of a Hanged Man by Denis Johnson