A Lone Dork's Journey into Night

You know those pathetic people that HAVE to see something first? They trudge out and watch a movie as it's premiered at Midnight all for the sake of either something that they love or merely for bragging rights of when they saw it.

Last night I was one of those people.

I ventured out into the maddening crowd to witness the spectacle of Star Wars: Episode 3 - Revenge of the Sith (man, that's a long title). For the sake of any of my friends who are interested in seeing the movie I'm not going to talk about the actual film itself until Sunday/Monday. So fellow Nerdflock, you have your deadline -- I will not be held responsible if you have not seen it by then and I ruin something for you. I'm avoiding saying anything about the flick so as not to color or taint my friends' viewings -- I will give them no reason to have either high expectations or low ones.

Instead I want to talk about HOW I saw the movie; more specifically, I want to talk about the random occurrences that seemed to plague me throughout the night. For no matter what I think of Episode III, last night was definitely one of the most unique and memorable moviegoing occasions of my entire life.

--So I get into my seat around 11:30. It should be noted that I'm alone. Lack of friends and an unwillingness to care to make new ones in my lil peninsula I call Hell has left me in quite a solitary situation. It's okay. I nursed and groomed the misanthropic social misfit image in high school, I can do it in the real world too. Of course I don't mean the Cool Loner type; I'm no Fonz. More like Ally Sheedy in The Breakfast Club. Except I don't get to bang Emilio Estevez...which may be the true tragedy of my life.

--Looking around the theater, I notice that there seems to be a weird divide. There's your average misunderstood high school dorks -- spouting Simpsons quotes and rockin' Hot Topic apparel ("Yeah! I buy clothes from the EDGY subsidiary of The Gap! Take that CONFORMISTS! Maybe now my dad will pay attention to me."). There are casual discussions about various Net rumors and Ain't It Cool news articles: just your run of the mill, quiet spazzes. And then there's the other group -- they're either Nerds in Hiding (wearing baseball caps, polo shirts, and making out with girls. GIRLS!), or just the casual fan who wants to go into school the next day to talk about it. These are the high school kids that come in packs in their SUVs and Jeeps that their parents bought and are full of empty souvenirs of weekends past. Lastly, there's the kids. Adorable happy kids that all have fucked up hair like they slept in the dryer. Shouldn't these kids be asleep by now? In my row there are 4 preteen girls who just sit there talking about Episode I and Episode II, raving about different scenes. Maybe these Prequels do speak to a different generation. Although whatever heartwarming moment of clarity that occurs while I witness their enthusiasm is quickly doused when I notice that the woman that accompanied them reeks of cheap rum, cheaper vodka, and what can only generously be referred to as third world grade cigarettes.

--That's when the fighting began. I don't mean any clash of cultures or nerd tribes. I mean actual fighting betwixt two young boys. These lads marched to the front of the theater, standing just underneath the mammoth screen. They were clad in empty Corona boxes, lifejackets, and trash bags for capes. They carried flashlights and then pretended to have a lightsaber duel. People started laughing and clapping, cheering on these low rent Jedi Knights. I sat there nervously pondering, Are these my people? Is this where I belong? I'm not like them, am I? Then, when someone started shouting out quotes from The Karate Kid ("He's gonna need a body bag!" "Sweep the Leg!"), I laughed along with them. Oh well, at least they provide me with some joy. Dammit, I am like them. Freakin' melvins.

--The retarded and poverty stricken Jedis returned to their seats amongst thunderous applause. Then there were some commercials, The Twenty (which is a giant commercial -- but it has commercials in it), and the PreFlight Instruction reel (No Smoking. No Cell phones. Buy Coca-Cola!). Now right before the trailers start, two New and Different Nerds jump into the fray and march to the front of the theater, this time wielding real (as in plastic toys) lightsabers. They started to duel -- actually not that badly. But the crowd had already chosen their favorites, and tonight was not the night for these young dorks and their fancy weaponry. So the booing starting. A lot of yelling of "Already Been Done" and "You SUCK!" echoed throughout the theater. They quickly looked up to the back, signaling for some unseen newcomer to join them. Slowly but surely their friend came to the front, and the nerds stopped dueling. Newcomer faced all of us and said, "Hi -- my name is Joshua and I'm collecting for the Jimmy Fund. I actually wouldn't be here if it wasn't for the Jimmy Fund. I had Lymphoma in my chest. But thanks to the Jimmy Fund, I'm going to be OK." An eerie psychic shudder spread through the crowd like a wave of mutilation. Everyone was thinking the same thing:

"Did we just boo the kid with cancer?"

It was this moment of horrible realization that seemed to saturate everyone in the crowd. It was so awkward. You know that time you made fun of someone, and turned around and they were right there listening the whole time? Multiply that discomfort by a theater full of people, and throw in some good ole Cancer guilt. It was one of the best moments I've ever witnessed. Suddenly everyone was fishing around for some money for this guy. God, I hope it was a scam.

--Then I watched the movie. 140+ minutes later, the movie ends and the mass exodus begins.

--I pride myself on never leaving a movie to take a piss. I just hold it in like a camel. It's one of my many special talents that women find oh so appealing. The same could not be said for some bearded freak in the row behind me that kept leaving every 10 minutes. Although that probably wasn't urine related but instead just the Acid kicking in a little too hard for him to handle. "Everything is so...so...significant!" And people, when you're moving throughout a row of people seated -- don't grab the back of the seats in front of you. You're not scaling Kilimanjaro. It's annoying as hell -- especially for those of us with long hair that don't like having strangers put their fingers in it, ya gross fucks.

--ANYWHOSKI, after the the movie I gotta micturate like a racehorse. To utilize one of my favorite new phrases, "My back teeth were swimming". Mmm...mouth full of piss. So I go into the bathroom, and there's a line. (Two places you can always count on a line at the Men's Toilet: Sci-Fi Conventions, Star Wars Premieres. I'm not proud that I know this, I just do.) So I wait my turn and go to the urinal. Shortly after, a guy comes up next to me and takes over the now unoccupied urinal to my right. He's carrying a bucket of popcorn in his hand. He places the bucket on top of the urinal, unzips, unsheathes, and then starts to piss without any hands. Why doesn't he need hands, you ask? Because they're too busy shoving popcorn into his mouth! I just kept looking over -- a cardinal Men's Room sin, but come on! I was shocked! He finishes up, zips up, grabs the bucket, and continues to snack on it on his way out -- without washing his hands or anything. Also he didn't flush, which is just rude.

--So I come out of my daze by this whole disgusting display, finish up and turn to to leave. Now behind me, while I was peeing I noticed a woman was just standing in the rest room. She looked fairly older (mid to late forties) and had a cane. I just assumed she was some young kid's mother too afraid to let her son go into the lavatory alone. As I walk away, I notice in the corner of my eye that she then walks up to what was previously my urinal, unzips, and begins pissing into it. HabbaHabbaWHAAAAAA? Now I'm fairly used to transgender people -- I've met a couple at my liberal arts college and in Provincetown, MA. One of my good friends is undergoing the process currently. So I have no problem with transsexuals or "Trannies", if you will. I would like to think that I could tell if this was just a Dude Lookin Like A Lady, or if it was some weird sort of costume prank. Well it was neither of those things. S/he was definitely dolled up like a woman -- the thick clunky jewelry you see in middle aged woman in my area, feminine glasses, tight girl pants, girl shoes, hair in some sort of quaf not seen outside of Goodfellas. And if it was a joke, wouldn't HE be playing it off in the men's room? Making a joke about it so that other guys don't think he's queer (to use the local vernacular)? One of the oddities about my locale is that there's rampant homophobia -- but it's never directed at gay people, at least not to their faces. You can call Straight Joe a Faggot, but don't even think about saying that to Gay Marty. It's a weird situation, and one that apparently extends to transgender people. I just felt like this Tranny hadn't received the instruction booklet that states "If you are trying to pass -- don't use the bathroom of your original gender". But then, maybe the line to the Ladies' Room was just that unbearable. So my mind was reeling as I walked out of that bathroom: "Dude was eating on a urinal? She-male in the bathroom? What? What Just Happened? This is not my beautiful house."

It was the close of an eventful and unforgettable night as I staggered my way through the crowd of nerds at 3 in the morning. No story in a galaxy far far away can compete with the random rollercoaster of events of that night...although my story doesn't have a hyperkinetic green midget or an army of wookies.

So I guess that makes us about even, Lucas.


ALTERNATE TITLES FOR THIS ENTRY: A Hard Dork's Night ; Fear and Loathing in a Galaxy Far Far Away ; The Misadventures of Lola and Yoda ; Dawn of the Dorks ; The Real Phantom Menace -- Eating in the Bathroom ; The O.Shemale ; Star Wars: A Nerd Hope ; The Hitchhiker's Guide to the -- Oh my god! Is that Lady Taking a Leak in the Urinal? ; Aquateen HungerGeeks ; Neurotic Monkey and the Temple of Dorks ; How's Your Nerds ; Take That, Cancer Boy!