Here Thar Be Spoilers Ahead! Batman Begins...

...the decline of the comic book movie.

It's sad but true. Batman Begins is but the first nail in the closing coffin of Comic Book Movies. Next will follow Fantastic Four, then Superman Returns, then X3 (with Brett FUCKING Ratner at the helm!), then Ghost Rider, until all of us comic book nerds are shamed back into the shadows that we once resided in before the success of X-Men and Spiderman.

Batman Begins has been getting a lot of praise from a lot of people all over this country of ours. The nerds at Ain't it Cool News have stated that "they" have "Finally Gotten Batman Right". Siskel & Ebert...er...Ebert & Roeper gave it two big thumbs up and said it was great. Even my simpatico nerds over at The Onion say it's a good film that roots a large mythology in the humble world of reality. In fact, the only negative review i could find of the film came from The New Yorker -- a magazine that I by and large hate. So with these thoughts in my head, i went out and saw Batman Begins.

Unfortunately, this movie ain't so good.

Is it good for a superhero movie? Yes.

Is it the best Batman movie? yes. (Although Batman: The Movie will always hold a special place in my heart)

But is it a good movie?

No.

Once you remove all of the caveats, it is a poorly written movie directed fairly well with good performances from some of the actors. I know it's shocking coming from a script from the Genius Brain of David S. Goyer (Sarcasm. that guy is cancer to fanboy's hearts. Dark City was good, though). Devoid of all of my fanboy problems -- of which there are a whole load -- this movie has some serious problems on its own. Firstly, the dialogue. Count how many times the words Fear, Scared, Afraid, or any derivations along those lines pop up throughout this film. HeyZeus Christo, we get it! Fear is important. Stop belaboring the fucking point. Within the first 30 minutes they keep saying it. They do this with a bunch of phrases and lines. "We fall down, to get back up." The whole bit about "theatricality" in Batman's modus operandi. I understand recurring themes, but stop beating us over the head about it. (And maybe if this film was directed towards kids I could understand the endless and useless repetition, but with those Scarecrow induced nightmare sequences & the riveting action of dummy corporations buying public stock, I kinda doubt that's the target audience.) Instead we get this point over and over again -- FEAR is IMPORTANT. It's a tool for the bad guys...or is it also a tool for the good guys? Okay. Good. We got it. Oh, you're gonna repeat it 3,452 more times? Really? Great. And the Bat as symbol. I know there was a lot of confluence with the bat in young Wayne's life (fallin in the cave, the medicine man with the mask, the bat caves, the one that flew in through the window, etc.) but over and over again just makes it nauseating.

And the action sequences. My god, man; the action sequences. It couldn't be shot worse. It's shaking cam guy effect, without a shaky cam. I understand the effect is that "Batman moves so fast, he be invisible!" But instead it's just dizzying and unrefined. Wire-fu, while overused and kind of annoying at this point, at least shows that fight choreographers, directors, actors, and stunt people genuinely care about fight sequences; it's important that they're stylized, calculated, and overall look cool. It's odd that Nolan grounds SO much in reality (really well, too) but when it comes to clobberin' time it's all blurs and shaky images. Also, there was no real big fight. The biggest action set piece was the Car Chase with the Cops...and even that was kind of lame. I mean, it's a cool tank and definitely one of the highlights of the film, but that's the shining star of the movie? The fuck? I thought that when Batman bids adieu to Dawes (after revealing his identity) to stop Ducard/Ra's, he was going to go through a gauntlet of crazy people, League of Shadows guys, and finally have a badass battle royale with Ducard/Ra's. But no. He just flies, gets in a fight with a couple of lackeys (and appears to lose to them...was that even resolved?), gets beaten up with people sprayed by FEAR toxin (shouldn't they be recoiling in terror?), and then gets in a half assed fight that really just blows. For shame.

And while this is verging on fanboy nitpicking (sorry, fellow nerds): Why is Batman a moron in this film? He doesn't even understand what Lucius Fox tells him when he's describing the Scarecrow's serum. AND he asks Fox to make him more. HubbaWubbaWHAT? Goyer & Nolan posit Batman as a guy with a lot of money, some nice gadgets, some Tae Bo training, and a grudge. Which, for the most part, he is, truthfully. But he's also one smart dude, that's how he beats the bad guys -- or at least maneuvers himself into a position to beat up the bad guys. He figures out solutions besides taking pictures and throwing a punch. It'll take more than a half assed understanding of psychology and a kevlar vest to fight a guy dressed in a clown suit. Batman, in the comics, is known as the WORLD'S GREATEST DETECTIVE. Know maybe he doesn't have to Hong Kong Phooey Number One Super Sleuth, but some fucking insight might be nice. It'll take more than a half assed understanding of psychology and a kevlar vest to fight a guy dressed in a clown suit. Hmmm...then again...

++++The Next Paragraph is all NerdBoy NitPicks, so skip if you didn't read the comics or simply don't care:

First off -- Ra's Al Ghul is pronounce RAYSH AL GHOUL. Not Raas. The fuck is that? It's not fucking hard, people. RAYSH. Bullshit. And he heads the League of Assassin's, not the League of Shadows. League of Shadows sounds like an eighties goth new wave band that writes whiny dance songs about how they're terribly misunderstood. Secondly -- Goyer's "take" on the origin of Batman is all kafoozled. After bumming around various universities, private schools and back alleys, Bruce Wayne went to the FBI academy. He dropped out when he realized how limited organized law enforcement truly is. Then he went to Korea and learned kung fu and meditation with a Master of the arts. After Korea, Wayne travels to France to learn Deception, Brutality, and Cunning from a man known as Ducard. Unfortunately, Ducard kills -- something Wayne sees as horrible and alligns the hunter with the fugitive they hunt. So Wayne leaves and finds Willie Doggett, who teaches Wayne how to track down people. Willie ends up getting killed, and through other circumstances, Wayne comes back to gotham. His first outing (as shown in Miller's Year One and even in the animated Batman: Mask of the Phantasm movie) as a vigilante is a near disaster. He barely escaped with his life, and then realizes he needs to tap into some sort of symbol to scare criminals. Hence the Bat. In Goyer's version, Wayne goes to a cabin on top of a mountain and then learns how to be Batman in 6 easy steps. What? So if there's this one place for him to go to learn to be Batman, doesn't that then mean that all former students of the League can beat Batman? And also -- Ra's is an arabic man that has been alive for centuries, using the Lazarus Pits to regenerate his life. He comes late into the Batman canon but has a profound effect on Wayne's life in many ways. He's probably the greatest nemesis for Batman, moreso than the joker. Not so much in this film, eh? Instead we get either some rigid chinese dude playing him or some scottish frenchman playing him. qua? Plus, Goyer seems to want to make Bruce Wayne into Spiderman -- that guilt inspires his quest and that Bruce Wayne is just an everyman with some training and bigger checking account. It's rage that fuels Wayne's quest; he's angry that he was impotent to stop the killer, Joe Chill. He's angry that he lives in a corrupt and unfair world, that nothing can be done about it, and that everyone seems to accept death, hatred, and crime as facts of life. There are moments of guilt here and there, but those mainly have to do with Jason Todd's death; the slaying of Wayne's parents is a source of rage, Jason Todd's execution is a source of regret. Both harp on the fact that Batman feels impotent sometimes and is struggling to take control of a system he has no control over.

+++++ End Comic Book Nerddom. ++++

There's no central villain...which would be fine if the movie was all about Batman beginning and learning the ropes. But it's not. The third act is clearly meant to be a dramatic showdown that results in Bruce Wayne becoming Batman. Nope. Instead we have the Scarecrow suddenly, randomly thrown in. And I love me some Scarecrow (and Cillian Murphy does a great job as Dr. Jonathan Crane and his Alter Ego) but he's completely unnecessary; he's treated like a secondary character even though the whole plot of driving Gothamites insane with Fear is a complete Scarecrow device. But no, he's to play a limp second fiddle to the ominous Qui Gon Jinn. It's weak, weak, weak stuff, i tells you. And as for "I don't have to save you" -- YEAH, YOU DO! Even Batman would understand that inaction that leads to death is just as horrible as murder. That's why he's Batman; so he can stop people and not simply wait for someone else to do it.

And all i can think about when Christian Bale is talking as Batman is that he needs to clear his throat. There's a lil phlegm in there or something. And Bruce Wayne is just poorly written; yes he gives off the persona as a rich playboy, but he's also seen as aloof and for the most part a nice guy. Not a jerk or a misogynist. It irks me.

Gary Oldman, Liam Neeson, Morgan Freeman, Cillian Murphy, Colm Wilkinson, Michael Caine are all great. Christian Bale is good in the part written for him, i just think (as a nerd) it was written poorly and wrongly. Katie Holmes is in a thankless role as the only girl on the block. She represents a kind of love interest to Bruce Wayne -- which is about as believable as her current love life (oh no he didn't!). More than anything her role is so poorly written; she's this idealist who always harps on and on about the Good People and Justice and all that. How insufferable. She was more annoying than alluring. And how come she didn't freak out when she was in the Batmobile with Batman driving over roofs? Even without the Fear Toxin, i think that would be a rather tense situation.

Gotham looks great, and it all feels like it could happen in the real world. Problem is that in this film, just like in the real world, people don't always speak so well. Then again, most people I know don't walk around speaking in maxims and trying to sound deep about the nature of fear and darkness, but maybe that's just my scene.

I wanted this movie to be great. And I'm not one of those people who think the Burton films are the best and therefore Nolan's film was doomed to suck. In fact I thought Batman Returns was absolutely horrible. The first Batman film had its moments -- I liked the gauntlet up the Bell Tower, and the overall look of the film. But still it was lacking in several interesting and fanboy ways, and Kim Basinger spent 90% of the film screeching. The Schumacher films were deplorable and fairly insulting to fans and film goers alike.

I'm a fan of Nolan's; I really like Memento and Insomnia. Yes, the backwards trick wasn't new or revolutionary (it was used in a Pinter play before the Seinfeld episode. Hence, the name of the groom is Pinter). But the mood and mindfuck games were great. It was funny, brutal, sad, and all around very entertaining. And Insomnia is an underrated thriller that continues the probing of the relationship between Saint and Sinner begun in Memento. Which is why I was hopeful for Batman Begins, and why even the crappy script seem tailor made for Nolan -- all of his films seem interested in that thin line between a good guy and a bad guy and how society and people go about defining those things. Unfortunately, the garbled writing seemed to suffocate this inspection. I don't think this film is worse than the Schumacher Films. It's on par with the Burton films, I guess. It creates a gritty setting, an excellent dark mood, and even some good relationships between Alfred, Bruce, Lucius, and Gordon, but it still misses the mark of being entertaining. I still think that Mask of the Phantasm and the rest of the Batman: The Animated Series are the best versions of Batman on film. Although none of them have the AntiShark Repellent that Adam West used so well in Batman: The Film.

Still, I think that as long as Goyer stays the fuck away, the sequels should be great. Cuaron would be great to direct, maybe even get Matthew Vaughn to make a comic book movie (and not then replace him with the Ultimate in Hackery). I mean, I thought the first X-Men movie was pretty jackass (That lightning line? come on) . But it laid an excellent foundation and then X2 came about and kicked a whole bunch of Ass. So perhaps now that all of the major characters and settings have been established, the films can kick into gear.

And yes, I know i've been gone for a while and this isn't the Star Wars review. You want my Star Wars review? Here it is: "Fuck You, George Lucas. And Fuck You, too, America for eating up his shit with a smile. You all should be ashamed."

Honestly, have we all just accept mediocrity and crap as the norm so even something with the slightest bit of appeal becomes "GREAT"? Fuck that noise.

Wanna see a good summer blockbuster? Go out and see George A. Romero's Land of the Dead. Or better yet, go rent the 30th Anniversary edition of Jaws on DVD. See where it all began and how far we've fallen.

God dammit, I am one pissed off nerd.