You've Got Seven Kinds of Cockbreath!*

*from Deadwood, in a scene in which Trixie, the hooker with a heart of gold but the mouth of a trucker, advises one of her fellow whores to brush her teeth for a funeral.

And now the Greatest Hits of the Week. Rope-a-dope!

--RIDDLE ME THIS One of the greatest screen villains of all time passed away this week. Frank Gorshin, best known as The Riddler on the 60s Batman TV series, died on tuesday due to Lung Cancer, Emphysema, and pneumonia. He was probably one of the best, most manic, and most memorable villains a kid could watch; he seemed to throw himself into the role and into the tacky neon colored universe without any trepidation. He will be missed.

--THE TIMELESS ART OF SEDUCTION--YOU GOTTA JOIN IN! So I am prone to developing impossible crushes on random people. My newest victim? Bex Schwartz, a punky little popcult commentator who is on a bunch of those VH1 shows that devote hours talking about how sad it is that we're obsessed with celebrities. Bex is pretty funny and seems to have a weird pixie energy that just leaks from the TV set like Rayon gas into my house. So when I did some searching, I found out that she has her own blog here. Check it out. She's pretty funny, definitely cute, and incredibly endearing. I sent her an email, so who knows? Is this the beginning of a love connection? No, no it's not. Sigh.

--BE A LITTLE MORE SELECTIVE, BUDDY There's a new ad for Budweiser Select (their low carb/no taste beer) in which a man orders one at a bar, turns and sees a gaggle of models, also drinking the beer, and then he approaches them. The ad ends with him having a conversation with one of the models while they both enjoy their Bud Selects. Have you seen this? Do you know about this? Guess what, Dude -- if you're drinking the same thing as Models, then you're a pussy. You can do coke with them, or shoot up in the bathroom, or just have some Ecstasy induced orgy. But when you display the same taste in alcoholic drinks, that's when you've become a giant gaping vagina. Good day, sir. I believe I said "GOOD DAY"!

--DR. HANK McCOY ENJOYS TOSSED SALADS AND SCRAMBLED EGGS In a quick bit of a nerd update, lemme inform my fellow geeks that Kelsey Grammer (Sideshow Bob, Frasier Crane) has been cast as Beast in the upcoming X3. Avi Arad (Marvel Studios CEO) has said in this interview that Grammer will be both in make up and also that Beast will be rendered through CGI, so there's that. Also Maggie Grace, snobbish Shannon from Lost, is in talks to be Kitty Pryde, and they're still looking for Colossus and Angel. I liked the Colossus of X2, but then again he didn't have many lines, so perhaps he needs to do more in the new film than just be shiny.

--WHAT AM I, SOME SORT OF CLOWN SENT HERE TO AMUSE YOU? When Aliens land on this planet and eventually see the cache of Sci-Fi films that we have produced as a race, I wonder what they're going to think of us. They're either shown as being Evil, intent on killing us and/or eating us (ID4, Predator, Alien series, Killer Klowns from Outer Space). Or else they're these doped up pidgin speakin' retards (ET, Chewbacca, Yoda, Jar Jar Binks, Meathead from Meatballs 2, Mork). Or they're just lame, boring losers (most of the aliens in Star Trek). I'm just saying I think there should be a government position whose duty is to make sure all sci-fi films and tv series are quickly hidden when Aliens arrive so as not to queer the deal. All that will be left will be Tron and Sliders, and all will finally be right with the world.

--WHAT THIS MOVIE NEEDS IS A CAST OF BUNNIES I was first shown these movies two years ago or so, thanks to my friend Julie. They're 30 second interpretations of beloved movies as reenacted by bunnies. How can you lose? They're hilarious, and perfectly capture all of those great moments from all of the movies they adapt.

--THE ORIGINAL ODD COUPLE If I ever get two pets at or around the same time, I'm definitely gonna name them Hippie & Homey. Doesn't matter whether or not they're the same species or two different kinds of pets, that will be their names. this isn't really news or interesting, but I just want to announce my intentions. So Look Out, World -- Hippie and Homey are on their way!

--WHAT IS THIS GUY'S OBSESSION WITH BUNNIES? Another great lil cartoon, that I swore I linked to previously on this blog but I couldn't find it, can be found here. The back story is that Warner Bros. , in a bid to appeal to a younger audience, are going to release a new EXTREME version of their Looney Tunes characters called Loonatics. One of the new characters is Buzz Bunny, as parodied in the video. It's full of coarse language but the naughty bits are all bleeped out, so play at own risk.

--WHY AREN'T THERE PUDDING SHOTS? Pudding is delicious. I don't think anyone can argue against that. And if you do, then the terrorists have truly won. Meanwhile Jello is kind of okay, but nowhere near as heavenly as Pudding, and yet there are Jello shots. Scientists of the world -- start working on alcoholic Pudding shots. I know it sounds disgusting, but it very well may be the greatest invention man ever undertook.

--THIS IS AN ADVENTURE... The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou is out on DVD and I can't endorse it enough. A lot of people were lukewarm towards it when it came out. I thought it was really funny and laughed through most of the film in the theater. On DVD, I don't know if it's not as funny, but I do laugh less. However, the trade off is that I just appreciate the film so much more. It's this weird treatise on dreams, greatness, and how those two things can suddenly fade away into oblivion, slipping away while you're distracted by life. Co-writer Baumbach once said that Zissou's world is one created by a child; it's the child's idea of the adult world. What makes the film work so well is that this fantastical world -- where Jaguar Sharks roam, everyone gets a glock (the interns have to share), and there's still wonder to discover -- that world is populated by the same neurotic, depressed, unhappy, and jaded people that live in our world. That juxtaposition just gives the film its own sense of beauty. Amazing soundtrack, amazing visually, just amazing over all.

--GREATEST SHOW ON EARTH My favorite band, and the best concert I've ever been to, The Flaming Lips have recently released a documentary entitled The Fearless Freaks. It's a great movie. You know how people say that Stop Making Sense is a good movie that can be enjoyed by everyone -- you don't have to be a Talking Heads fan to like Demme's concert movie, etc. Well that's bullshit since the entire movie is just Talking Heads music; I like the Talking Heads so I like Stop Making Sense, but I can't see a nonfan raving about the movie. However, a nonfan CAN enjoy Fearless Freaks. The movie isn't just concert footage, there is a lot of concert footage in the film, but the movie is less about the actual music (although Lips music is playing in the fore/background throught the movie) than the people who craft it. Lead singer and Willy Wonka in training Wayne Coyne shows how he lives in a ghetto in Oklahoma City and works on his impossible movie and just approaches random people and seems to inspire a sort of manic glee in everyone around him. Definitely great -- especially THE scene with Steven Drozd. Check it out, support some lunatics.

--THESE TURTLES AREN'T GOING TO SQUASH THEMSELVES Here's another cartoon, this one depicting a bunch of outtakes from the Super Marios Bros. games. It's not great, but I chuckled, and isn't that kinda the point? It's not? Damn.

--WHAT'S GOING INTO MY EARS?!?! Sigur Ros - "Staralfur". It's a song off their album Agaetis Byrjun, and is featured in The Life Aquatic (towards the end -- when they're all in the sub). It's just a great soul crunching song. It's the type of song you want playing when you sleep with someone for the first time. Not fuckin' them, but actually sleeping together; your bodies forming quotation marks that surround an unspoken confession of happiness. It's a beautiful song that seems to make time slow down and everything shine a lil brighter. Also listening to : Mike Doughty, Smofe + Smang - Live in Minneapolis; Sufjan Stevens, A Sun Came!; The Decemberists, 5 Songs; Mike Doughty, Haughty Melodic; The Decemberists, Castaways and Cutouts; Mike Doughty, Skittish/Rockity Roll; The Decemberists, Her Majesty; Radiohead, "No Surprises Please" (as per mi amigo's instructions); The Books, Lost and Safe; The Flaming Lips, LateNightTales.

--WHAT'RE YOU LOOKING AT? Besides all the crap listed above, I'm also watching Scrubs Season 1 DVD; Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events; Lost; Tarantino's CSI Finale (thought it sucked); PTI; Jeopardy: Tournament of Champions; Episode III; Ed (the great late dramedy, not the monkey movie with Joey Tribiani); the tres sexy trailer for Mr & Mrs Smith; trying to avoid Britney and Kevein: Chaotic at all costs.

--ILLITERACY PREVENTION: Fool on the Hill by Matt Ruff. www.tvgasm.com. both great for different reasons.

--WHO DO YOU WANT TO PUNCH IN THE NECK? Britney & K-Fed, Juanita Madden, Lindsay Lohan's Dietician/Coke Dealer, The Entire US Senate -- but especially Frist, Seth Macfarlane, T.O., Rob Thomas, the entire UPN fall lineup, Donald Trump, and Clarence Thomas for wanting to be NFL Commissioner.

"So this is how Liberty ends--to the sound of thunderous applause."

--Star Wars: Episode III - Revenge of the Sith