Quid Pro Quo, Clarice

1) What would you rather know: Magic or How to Invent Anything (and no you can't invent a machine that teaches you magic, and you can't use your magic to invent any machines)?

Magic. The Dark Arts, too. Cuz you know that's how I roll, baby. Seriously, I've always wanted to be able to summon a hideous monster to do some yardwork. Plus sorcery inspires bands like Zep and Black Sabbath; with the exception of Devo, what band has inventing inspired?

2) The fate of everyone you love hangs in the balance as a group of merciless demons challenge you to a contest. In which form do you battle them: Rock Paper Scissors, Thumb Wrestling, Connect Four, or Hungry Hungry Hippos?

Rock,Paper,Scissors. Thumb Wrestling is out cuz I'm no good. Connect Four is out cuz you gotta figure that as sneaky as Lil Sis was on that ad, them Demons got something else up there sleeve. And I always get the busted Hippo. ALWAYS. Oh sure, for the first few whacks it works like a freakin charm, then it just locks open as if it was suddenly mortified by that racist comment about Africa your father made over dinner last night.

3) What's the worst thing you've ever said and meant?

I've said a lot of shitty stuff to a lot of good people. I've definitely wished someone I love was dead. Out loud. Yeah, I'm going to hell.

4) Hovercar or X-Ray Specs that work?

X-Ray Specs. Okay, bear with me. So you're in your hovercar, zipping around the sky not a care in the world -- suddenly you get shot down cuz you didn't observe the no fly zones. Or else people see you and they just assume enemy aircraft. Plus EVERYONE and their mother will be trying to rob that from you. No sir. I didn't get this hovercar so i could spend a lifetime full of distrust and insomnia and sleeping in a backseat with a baseball bat. X-Ray Specs are discreet, help out the perverse nature, helps you win at cards, helps you open vaults (you could see the combination locks). You can conceal them on your person, and, thanks to childhoods filled with disappointing merchandise, most people won't think they actually work. As much as I pine for a hovercar, I'm just not prepared to open that can of worms.

5) Who would win in a fight: An Off Balance Eagle with Flamebreath vs. a Laser Armed Near Sighted Shark?

Shark. Firstly, what's the name of that series about that killer Eagle who fucks shit up for a whole bunch of people? Oh yeah, that's right--it doesn't exist. Oh, but guess what--Jaws does. Point for the Shark. Next up, I believe that the shark is surrounded by water, which would easily help diffuse the whole flambe problem. Another point for the Shark. Lastly, a random sweep of the sky and the shark is bound to hit that eagle, plus God hates eagles. That's why he made them endangered and also emblematic of America. Quoth Jesus, "Fuck you, baldy!"

6) Do you consider these to be your golden years? Are they still ahead? Have you passed them by?

I think these past 4 years were supposed to be my golden years. But instead they have been little else but a reaffirmation that I am not long for this world (although the irony of my life is that I will be stuck here for a long time. Good one, Yahweh!). Crushing disappointments, sobering reality checks, and depressing screw ups have all meshed together in a series of hilarious but unfortunate events that while entertaining to everyone else have left me a bitter husk of a man. So while I hope my golden years are on the horizon, I know they are gone forever and the my eternal 6 more weeks of winter have only just begun.

7) Who runs BarterTown?

C'mon, People! How come NO ONE got this right? Master Blaster. It's from Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome people! For shame! I also would've accepted Auntie Eternity. Glayven.

8) You've won a sweepstakes created by the President of the United States of America. He and Congress will pass whatever bill you write. Without doing anything cheap (like "All My Bills Will Be Passed" etc), what is your bill?

Antidisestablishmentarianism. The Church CANNOT impose any of its rules, laws, or mores onto a governing body. In fact, Church cannot accept any money from any government organization or official, and if a Minister talks about political affairs while threatening violence, a man dressed up like Santa Claus gets the reverend in a back room for 5 minutes. Anything Goes.

9) What's funnier: Random NonLethal Violence OR A Well Timed Fart?

Random Non-Lethal Violence. A guy randomly taking a shot to the junk is funnier than a high pitched squeaker during an intimate love scene. It's just science, baby.

10) Ventriloquist Dummies: Annoying or Creepy?

While they can be both, more often than not they're just annoying. Always making jokes about sex and bobbing their heads up and down.

12) What was your favorite cartoon growing up?

As a young kid, I loved me some Superfriends when it replayed on the television. Then GI Joe, then Transformers, later such fare as Inhumanoids, Darkwing Duck, Gargoyles, Mighty Max, and Ronin Warriors. The last three, by the way, are still really great series for kids and adults. That's right, I said it. There's no threat of me ever getting laid at this point, so why not just come out with these opinions, right? Oh, and does anyone remember the My Pretty Pony movie/miniseries where there was this evil queen who was turning the Ponies into these flying monstrosities, so the ponies all gang up on her and her Ratman henchman turns on her as well and they win, and it looks like the Ratman is dead but he's actually transformed back into a person? I know no one else remembers that, but I'm pretty sure it formed the basis for my worldview well into my adulthood. Oh and I had a huge thing for the blue haired chick in the Misfits on Jem.

13) Not counting OC, Melrose Place, 90210 or any other prime time melodramas, have you ever watched a daytime soap opera for a significant amount of time? If so, which one?

Nope. Although I did take in a lil Swan's Crossing in junior high. Anyone? Swan's Crossing? A boy on the show thought he was a ninja for christ's sake!

14) Who is the most annoying game show host of all time?

It's been said before, and I'll say it again--Louie Anderson. It's like they reanimated a gay dead pig, put a cheap suit on him, and then had Bruce Vilanch write his material. Horrible. Truly horrible. And Chuck Woolery always struck me as the type of dude that constantly hit on all of his friends' daughters. "I've been watching you grow up, Annie," Chuck whispered with several Margaritas on his breath, "and I must say you've blossomed into quite a beautiful and graceful woman." Creepy factor!

15) Are there such things as Angels and/or Demons?


As long as they're not as bad as that book by Dan Brown. HI-YO! But seriously, probably not. But i really wish there were.


16) Do you like to dance? Is it important that your significant other likes to dance?

I actually do like to dance, but I'm SO horrible and self conscious that it pains me to do it in front of...anyone. Here's how bad I am at dancing and how badly it makes me feel to dance -- I can't even get DRUNK ENOUGH to dance. Think about that. I've been drunk enough to break shit i love, hook up with people I hate, and sleep in a tub. But never enough to just give in to the dance. And i would like a girl that's got some moves, but it's not even close to being important. On a list of priorities: Pulse, brains, personality, body..........opinion on how U2 sucks, loves to dance.

17) Do you like Jazz music? Why or Why Not?

I do love Jazz music. But I prefer stuff like Miles Davis's In a Silent Way, Kind of Blue, Bitches Brew, or his score for Acenseur pour L'Echafaud to Dixieland or Smooth Stylings of Kenny G. Can't go wrong with Louis Armstrong, John Coltrane, or some Herbie Hancock, either.

18) Colonel Sanders versus Ronald McDonald -- there can be only one. Who Survives?

McDonald. Motherfucker's got mind control on The Grimace, one of the most awesome and frightening forces in this universe. I think he could take on some racist with a poultry fetish.

19) What's your favorite bad movie? And not in an ironic MST3K way, but in a Michael Bay/Cocktail/Idiotheque way.

Demolition Man and/or Tango & Cash. Fuck you; these movies rock.

20) What do you wish your nickname was?

Spider. Or Professor.

21)Do you spend most of the day smiling or glowering?

All glower, all the time.

22) You are given time on the world's most popular TV show, but are only allowed to say one phrase. It will be heard and understood the world over. What do you say?

"That's my mama!"

23) If you could be married to any fictional character, who would it be and why?

Buffy Summers, from Buffy the Vampire Slayer. She's funny, smart, knows a lot of interesting people, could introduce me to Faith (Eliza Dushku), and she can defend my honor at the drop of a hat. Yes it's a geek wet dream, but still-- Buffy's cool, dammit. Close runner up? One of the inspirations for Buffy: Kitty Pryde, aka Shadowcat.

24) Would you rather have superstrength or the gift of flight?

Superstrength. With superstrength you can jump around huge distances (a la the Hulk or Speedball), so that pretty much takes care of the mobility issue. But then you also are super strong. With flight you're mobile, but still can get beaten up fairly easily.

25) what's something you recommend, but no one EVER takes you up on?

Grape Jelly on Grilled Cheese Sandwiches. Trust me. It's delicious.

26) What's something that occurs on a daily basis that pisses you off? And if there were no repercussions and you were allowed to finally react to it, what would you do to this stimulus?

The old woman who I ALWAYS END UP BEHIND in the morning on the way to work as she ever so slowly makes her way up the stairs from the subway. Taking one step every 3 minutes or so. I would smack her in the back of the head until she started to speed up, and then I would ride her like a pack mule around town, making her go faster and faster. Giddy Up, Grandma!