Battle Royale
All right, after the last two "depressing-but-uplifting-and-in-either-case-too-serious" posts, I decided it's time to cleanse the palate with a lil good ole fashioned Monkeybrand silliness.
This is a diversion game that my friend, Nate Gundy (nee Gundelfinger; thanks, Ellis Island!), and I developed in 5th grade. Basically you take two figures - be they real, fictional, historical, cartoons, what have you - and you pit them against each other in a fight to the death. Now remember, it's not who you like better -- it's who would win in a physical fight (although they can use their money, intelligence, etc to aide them). And it's basically just dropping them into a steel cage and forcing them to have at each other, unless otherwise noted.
I will post all of the fights, and you will give me your predictions and your reasoning. Once I have at least 5 comments, I will respond in the comment section with my own predictions and thought process. Now then...
Let's Get It On!
1) Adam Sandler vs. Jimmy Fallon
2) Mal (Nathan Fillion from Serenity/Firefly) vs. Han Solo (you know who he is)
3) The Grimace vs SnuffleUpAGus (from Sesame St)
4) Demi Moore in Ghost vs. Jennifer Love Hewitt in Ghost Whisperer
5) Mike Meyers (the actor not the Slasher) vs. Kanye West
6) Smurfs vs. Snorks
7) Mark Wahlberg vs. Paul Walker
8) Martha Stewart vs. Oprah
9) Tara Reid vs. Anna Nicole Smith
10) Wolverine vs. Beatrix Kiddo (aka The Bride in Kill Bill)
11) Patrick Swayze vs. All of the kids in You Got Served
12) Quint (From Jaws) vs. Steve Zissou (from The Life Aquatic)
13) King Kong vs. A Team of Raptors from Jurassic Park
14) Locke (from Lost) vs. Col. Kurz (from Apocalypse Now!)
15) Vin Diesel vs. The Rock vs. 50 Cent
16) Jessica Alba vs. Jessica Simpson vs. Jessica Biel
17) Dave Chapelle vs. Martin Lawrence
18) Larry David vs. Bill Lumberg (Office Space)
19) Panther vs. Cheetah
20) David Blaine vs. Johnny Knoxville
21)Ashlee Simpson vs. Avril Levigne
22) She-Ra vs. Xena
23) Desperate Housewives vs. crew from Sex & the City
24) Conan O'Brien vs. Craig Kilborn
25) Star Wars fan vs. Trekkie
26) Zach Braff vs. Cillian Murphy (28 Days Later, Batman Begins, etc)
27)The Golden Girls vs. The Designing Women (original cast)
28) California Dreams vs. the band the kids were in on Saved By the Bell
29) Hayden Christensen vs. Elijah Wood
30) Underdog vs Mighty Mouse
posted by The Neurotic Monkey @ 1:51 PM
7 Comments:
before the answers remember the number 1 rule of fighting is you can fight someone tougher than you, but don't fight someone crazier than you.
1. Sandler. Fallon is too much of a pipsqueak. plus his own lack of fighting ability would probably make him laugh, thus rendering him helpless. i think sandler could get really pissed if need be.
2. i actually gotta go with Mal on this one. both characters are willing to cheat/fight dirty, so they're even there. but i think Mal's definitely tougher, and better at hand to hand combat, so Mal ekes that one out.
3. Nothing can kill the Grimace.
4. don't know much here but i'm going with demi- the older once-hot chick is always filled with rage when taking on the new little usurpers.
5. Kanye would win, but i think it'd be closer than people would think. in the end they're both just entertainers.
6. i think smurfs. the snorks body's are just so awkward. smurfs would have more agilty etc.
7. i think wahlbergs probly stronger. and didn't he grow up in Southie? i think he could get mad enough to beat up the pretty boy.
8. please. oprah would clean fucking house. stewart doesn't actually have satanic powers, it just seems like it.
9. anna's got size, but i think i go with tara. obviously they'll both be under the influence and anna tends to go for the downer, zonk-out pills. tara just loves the booze. and we all know alcohol fuels the fighting spirit.
10. this is the most intriguing matchup. first i thought wolverine easy, then i thought- well wolverine has no training he's just a tough guy street fighter with some knives, kiddo could take him. but i'm switching again. wolverine would win. it would be a marathon fight with kiddo dominating for most of it, but you just can't permanently hurt wolverine. atamantium bones aren't gonna break and all the less serious inflictions will heal soon after they're made. so in the end i think it'd be like Ali v. Foreman- the rope-a-dope. kiddo'd wail on him but eventually a window's bound to open and logan'd gut her.
11. i tend to take the group of people in these situations. its just too hard to fend them all off. especially for a hollywood actor.
12. i pick zissou here because i'm confident he'd find a way to cheat and/or fix the fight.
13. Kong. He can take a lot of punishment (airplane fire etc) so i think he could take down 4 maybe 5 raptors. after that i dunno. raptors are smart and deadly.
14. i've never seen either of these but i've read heart of darkness so i'm betting on Locke (whoever he is) on the basis that kurtz is a weak character alone. his power came from how he inspired those around him to do his evil bidding.
15. a 3way? now we're talking. i pick the rock. 50 cent-entertainer. vin diesel-got his start in theatre. the rock played college football, and even tho the wwe is staged, the stunts are still physically punishing.
16. i know nothing about these girls so i'm going with simpson cuz her tits are the biggest and she's the stupidest.
17. Martin's definitely crazier than dave so he gets the edge. plus chappelle weighs what, 80 lbs?
18. have to go with larry david. lumberg's seems to be on a constant valium trip. larry can get fired up and pissed off so i think he'd come out on top.
19. i pick the panther. cheetahs are fast when they get room to sprint but i don't think it'd help em in a fight. the panther's bigger too, so i guess thats my rationale.
20. hmm an illusionist vs a lowlife who endures pain for a living and laughs while doing it... i go with the department store boxing champ, knoxville.
21. believe or not, ashlee wins this easily. i figure she's got a lot of pent up rage about her struggling career and public image, she's ready to snap and tear someone's eyes out. whereas levigne projects the tough alt girl image but underneath we all know she's just as fake and crappy as britney and the rest.
22. the fight never happens, as the two fall in love at first sight and "lez out" as south park would say.
23. i want to say Sex and the city girls because i think miranda and samantha could kick ass but i think carrie'd be too prissy, and the ultimate x factor, Charlotte would just be dead weight. so i gotta say housewives.
24. an interesting matchup. both big guys with a long reach. one, a pretty boy, the other a dork. in the end i say Kilby cuz he's somewhat athletic and has probably been in a fistfight before (probably drunk at a frat party).
25. wow, this is probly the toughest one. i think i go with star wars. it appeals to more people, whereas star trek is more cultish (read nerdish) so i think the chances are greater theres a few tough guys who like star wars.
26. Cillian Murphy. cmon, braff's a pussy and we all know it.
27. this boils down to the headlining battle of bea arthur vs. delta burke. arthur's secret power of course is that she's a dude, whereas burke's power, the ability to eat one's enemies, developed in the post-designing women era, so i go with Golden girls.
28. do the words AC Slater ring a bell? the man's a killing machine. SBTB.
29. probly christensen. he has too many advantages, size, reach, etc. tho i'd be rooting for Wood the entire time.
30. i take the mouse here. again Underdog's a bit of a pussy. i think the strength is a push, therefore mighty mouse wins with his quickness.
wow. that took up a solid hour of work time. thanks ol buddy.
1. First of Adam Sandler eats nothing but sloppy joes which we all know is good protein. Secondly he is like 8760867 years old and has been around forever (aka. since I've been watching SNL) and he def more skilled then wet behind the ears Fallon, who also seems like he'd "girl-out".
2. Nathan Fillion is a hottie, no no, a super hottie, and Hans would prolly be too busy trying to make out with him to get any real fighting in. Plus he seemed real touch and scary when he was the villain on Buffy.
3. The Grimace stands on two legs and is much more agile, so I'm gonna say The Grimace.
4. This is really a battle of Jowls versus Tits. In case you didn't know it's Demi with the jowls, have you ever seen her constant frowny face?! She has jowls for crying out-loud.
5. Oh, let me use my super computer to figure this one out, it's Kanye. He's black.
6. The Smurfs, specifically that builder smurf with the deep voice, would def win, all they'd have to do is take the Snorks out of the water and done, they win.
7. I don't want to guess, Once I become filthy rich I'm going to reenact this never-really-happened-before fight and I don't want to spoil it.
8. That bitch Martha's been in prison yo, but Oprah is black. I think though cracka Stewart's got it.
9. Tara Reid. That is one scary bitch.
10. Beatrix Kiddo is unstoppable he rejuvenating powers are truly awesome. Wolverine would pee in his pants like a girl.
11. Those street kids got heart man, and that's what wins battles.
12. who dat?
13. King King, cuz he's black.
14. I was on the metro today watching that LOST where Locke couldn't go on the Australia hike thing cuz he had no legs (was paralyzed) and I almost cried in front of everybody. I think I was just really emotional today.
15. The Rock is my ideal man. He would win pants down.
16. Jessica Alba, that bitch is like Puerto Rican and in shape! Mmmm Mm that chicks in shape, she is lookin' good. damn!
17. This is a tough one cuz they are both minorities so I am going to go with Lawrence since he has all that crack energy. member when he like busted on some award show all crackie to like be crackie and promote something.
18. Larry David would lose every fight ever.
19. I want a Panther throw for my bed. Now that's sexy.
20. I'm not sure. I honestly don't know. I guess Knoxville cuz I kinda wanna have sex with him.
21. Now that Avril has gonna all X-tina glam, Ashlee has taken her flippin' the bird punk rock edge and would now win.
22. both warrior princess. both with incestual urges. both with like breastplate corsets. I don't think we'll ever know who'll win.
23. Desperate Housewives, the Sex in City Girl's heels are too tall.
27. Yeah, I jumped down to 27, big whoop, wanna fight about it?
The Golden Girls sounds like a tag team wrestling duo already, so they got that. While Designing Women sounds like a book about gender differences and hormones. so da G Girls baybee!
28. Nothing can beat California Dreamin'
29. Hayden is much tougher than Elijah Wood who is slightly more tough than a box of graham crackers.
20. Mighty Mouse. Underdog was a bit scrappy.
Jessica Simpson beats them all! I saw her sweet mug on rubberfaces and I played with her by twisting her up and stretching her out. she is #1 !!
1. sandler. I heart fallon but he is a big pussy.
2. probably solo. isn't he really bad ass? i don't know about this sci fi stuff.
3. qua? i am going with the grimace strictly on name.
4. demi moore. and i hope this fight actually happens and "love" is destroyed. i hate that bitch.
5. kanye. meyers is old, and canadian.
6. snorks. years of pent up anamocity as being dubbed the step-cousin of the smurfs will feed their fire.
7. hell yeah mark wahlberg. paul walker is a pretty boy w/ no street cred.
8. martha! SHE CAN NOT BE DESTROYED.
9. Anna nicole. even post trimspa, she a. is still extrememly crazy, and b. could break tara in half with her pinky toe, or maybe her boob.
10. uma. wolverine is so annoying.
11. you got served kids. swayze's ballet dancer ass don't stand a chance
12. ha, sadly, i think quint is a tad more badass. but i love you steve!
13. i'm skipping all the sci fi ones now.
14. kurtz. because i hate locke
15. none
16. hmm probably alba, because she is more ethnic - and the other two are not very smart. for serious.
17. ugh i give up for now. be back later
back
18. Larry. because I say so.
19. wouldn't the cheetah just run away?
20. Knoxville, unless Blaine actually has magical powers, in which case he would probably use them.
21. Avril! by far. She could totally kick the shit out of Ashlee. Avril is at least slightly badass, where ashlee is 100% not.
22. SHE-RA. hell yeah. My neighbor used to have this giant she-rah castle thing that we would play with for hours and hours.
23. Hmmm...tough call. I'd say Samantha and Miranda would be good in a fight, but Cary and Charlotte contribute nothing. On the other hand, Susan and the rest of the wistoria lane crew are fiesty, but they are all so skinny and frail also. I'm going to go with a draw here.
24. sadly, Kilborn. He is more athletic and coordinated. and a dick.
29. Hayden. because elijah is miniature.
1 - Sandler all the way...I mean one minute hes insulting you, the next he's beating you over the head with a folding chair. Plus Fallon is too busy looking at the camera and giggling like a retarded French Stewart.
2 - Mal would probably win, if only because he's more of a solider than Solo. Plus Solo is old and slow, and even in his glory days he's not that good of a shot. I mean did see how he holds a gun? Talk about limp wrist!
3 - If anyone put their money on the Snuf, youve lost it all. Everyone knows, from the fry kids to the Hamburgler to Big Mac Himself... Nothing can defeat the Grimace! Nothing!
6 - Well they are both equally strange creatures, but at the end of the day the Smurfs are gonna win. I mean granted, the Snorks are all about sports and are probably bigger than the Smurfs, they don't walk on land. However the smurfs have all manner of inventions, scuba tanks, snorkels, nuclear powered underwater battle stations and not to mention mushroom powered bombs. That didnt get out of hand at all...
8 - Oprah, shes got a posse, unlike Martha who is just plain evil!
10 - Well....Though I'm sure this would be an awesome battle on both accounts, I have to say I think Wolverine would win. I mean hes got a metal skeleton not to mention super healing powers. I mean I'm sure he'd be bleeding out of every orifice and in intense pain but The Bride is only human and she don't got no super healing power! Take that Kiddo!
12 - Quint may be a big burly guy who knows how to drink, sing and compare scars, but Zissou is a sly character who knows how to stack the odds against his opponents, plus hes just insane. And I know what youre saying, Quint is also insane, but he's insane in that, stuck-at-sea-for-nine-months-and-I'm-tired-of-reading-playboy insane. Hes no match for the insanity of a man who has given up. That's just dangerous!
13 - King Kong would kick the shit outta them Raports, I mean you can hear them coming from a mile away with that inner ear thingy of thiers and secondly Kong is a giant ape. If two kids can dodge a gang of Raptors and survive I think one huge ass monkey will make raptor pie outta those bastards!
14 - Thats a tough one. On one hand Locke is bad ass and can probably kick Kurtz's ass fifteen times before he hits the ground. On the other hand Locke is a man of faith and belief and Kurtz would probably be charismatic enough to get Locke on his side and then eventually use him in his grand scheme. Though knowing Locke, he'd freak out if Kurtz said something negative about the island or Locke's legs and slice Kurtz up for not listening to the island. Crazy people...
That is all...
Great to see another battle royale. Welcome back to cyberspace. Before I answer these, it's worth noting that the band from Saved by the Bell was called "Zack Attack". God help me for knowing that.
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