Unleash Nerd Fury!

Hey, y'all. Here's some news in brief:

• I'm Waiting for the (Cable) Man - The internet in my apartment is broken. Awesome. The hits just KEEP on comin'. A repair person will not be available to come and fix it until Monday, February 6th. I never realized how much of a dependency I had worked up for the Internet. Taking a couple hits here, couple hits there; searching sites, emailing at will, surfing the web - even at work! And then I started getting into the heavy stuff - blogging and electronically corresponding with old friends - and I was sunk. But I never noticed my problem, never noticed that Electronic Monkey on my back until I found myself bereft of IM and Ain't It Cool News. Like the wise beyond their hair band Cinderella sings "Don't know what you got, til it's gone". (Sure Joni Mitchell said it before, but whatever; does Joni have hair that rises exactly 2.3 feet from her scalp and a wardrobe comprised entirely by lycra & spandex? I don't think so!) So my activity in the world of the interweb will be very constrained this weekend. How will I place my electronic bets on which commercial will be the funniest? Woe is me! In all seriousness, the Internet provides me with access to write this bullshit your reading, and that really makes me happy and gets my cylinders firing. And i get to read my friends' sublime emails and watch funny little videos - all things that help me detach from the apocalyptic decay that is my life. I want my Internet, please. In the meantime, I'll just jump back on my CB radio - even despite all of the sexual harrassment I receive from those horny, lonely truckers.
• What (buyit) Do You (buyit) Mean By (buyit) Subliminal (buyit) Advertising? - Speaking of "Don't Know What You Got Til It's Gone" by Cinderella, has anyone else felt bombarded by those commercials for "Heavy Ballads"? It's a compilation disc filled with all of the amazing Hair Metal Ballads of the late 80s/early 90s. The music might be shitty and beloved ironically by legions of hipsters, but the commercials are on ALL THE TIME! And the songs are all the same, but they also all get stuck in my head. But unfortunately, all I know is the one or two lines they play in the commercial. So that just gets stuck in a loop goin nonstop in my head - usually in medley form: "Heaven isn't too far away/cuz when the children cry, even though they die/can you take them hiiiiigher?/when every rose has its thorn". And it just plays over and over and over. So i think my only choice is to order the damn CD, if only just so I can play the full song and end this maddening torture. I wonder if this was the type of musical bombardment the US hurled at Noriega in order to get him to break?
• I'm Back, Biatch! (Honk-HONK!) - Guess who's back? Back again? Dave is back, tell a friend - to watch Oprah. Dave Chapelle is on OPRAH today (god I hope they talk about the sketch where he impregnated Ms. Winfrey). And then next week he's on Inside the Actor's Studio with James "Popazao" Lipton. What? I can't wait for Lipton to call Chapelle's turn in Con Air a "resplendent and refreshing look at the incarcerated african-american, which uses equally parts comedy, heart, and bravery to depict his character 'Pinball'". At least we'll finally hear him talk about goin crazy, and his future plans. I've always been a big fan of the burnout in the burnout v. fade away debates, so I respect Dave's decision to walk away before it got lame. But why is he talking now? What could possibly prompt him to feel so open and ready to express his feelings and expose his inner demons? Maybe it helps that he has a movie, Block Party, opening soon (March 3, 2006). Check out the trailer here. It looks like it could be a fun ride - not the craziest fan of Talib Kweli these days, or Dead Prez. But at least Pras is back. Right? Right? Poor Pras. I just love that Michel Gondry apparently said to himself - "Why continue to make films that are visually interesting and innovative? To Brooklyn!" Fuck it - I'll probably go see this movie. Chapelle, Gondry, and Mos Def? All right, all right.
• NerdTeam....ASSEMBLE!!!! In the coming weeks you're goin to notice a few changes around here. Specifically, some new voices. I've invited 3 of my amigos to start contributing to this blog. So give them a chance, and then rip them to shreds. This doesn't mean I'll post any less, or that I'm punting off the work. And luckily there's no fanbase to offend with this crazy move to diversify. Anyways, a change is comin to this blog - and it ain't never gonna be the same again!
• It's Come to This? - To all of my loyal and faithful readers out there...(cricket sounds). Okay, to anyone accidentally stumbling upon this site looking for that hilarious clip of the chimp smoking - Does anyone know when Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang will be released on DVD? Thus far, no news on that front at all. Bupkus. So if anyone has any inkling - it would be appreciated. Graci!
• Once Again Loki, the Practical Jokester God, Pulls the Chair Out of a Potentially Hilarious Situation - So the Republicans elected a new House Majority Leader to take over for the scandal ridden DeLay. They needed someone that would rid the party of any hint of impropriety. So they went with a guy named Boehner. Which is hilarious - on paper. In real life, the guy's name is pronounced "Bayner". Dammit! So close! Eventually we will just have Senator Douchebag and Representative DonkeyPunch. Til then...But on a bright note of irony and unintentional comedy - during the voting for the new leader, there was a voting irregularity where the number of ballots was more than the number of republicans in the senate. So in a vote to reestablish the Ethical Mandate of the Republican Party - someone tried to cheat. Beautiful. Just beautiful.
• Two for the Fam - So my sister and dad both sent me jokes recently. I thought I'd give them a lil time on my (oh so secret) blog. Here they are, with my sister's first, then my father's shared moment of glee. Maybe you'll understand my background a lil better.
  
  (1) A man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says: "Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."
  His girlfriend is lying in bed and replies: "I think you'll find that's a sheep, you idiot."
  The man says: "I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you."
  
  (2) A New York family of baseball supporters headed out one Saturday to shop for the youngest boy's birthday. While in the sports shop the son picks up a Red Sox jersey and says to his older sister, "I've decided to become a Red Sox fan and I would like this Boston jersey for my birthday."
  His big sister is outraged by this and promptly whacks him upside his head and says, "Go talk to mother."
  Off goes the little lad with the jersey in hand and finds his mother.
  "Mom?"
  "Yes, son?"
  "I've decided I'm going to be a Red Sox fan and I would like this
  jersey for my birthday."
  The mother is outraged at this, promptly whacks him around the head and says, "Go talk to your father!"
  Off he goes with the Red Sox jersey in hand and finds his father.
  "Dad?"
  "Yes, son?"
  "I've decided I'm going to be a Red Sox fan and I would like this jersey for my birthday."
  The father is outraged and promptly whacks his son in the back of his head and says, "No son of mine is ever going to be seen in THAT!"
  About half an hour later they're all back in the car and heading towards home. The father turns to his son and says, "Son, I hope you've learned something today?"
  The son says, "Yes, Dad, I have."
  "Good son, what is it?"
  The son replies, "I've only been a Red Sox fan for an hour and I already hate you Yankee bastards."
  
• It's The Final Countdown...Okay, it's Going to Be One in A Lifetime Series of Final Countdowns - I'm quitting cigarettes. Yup. I know. Don't worry, I've done it before. I'll do it again. But I'm on my last pack. And come the close of Sunday evening - as Steelers fans worldwide begin their litany of boasting and annoying the shit out of everyone until people wish very serious injuries to befall professional Sgt. Slaughter look-a-like Bill Cower - i will be a smoker no more. I feel like I'm breaking up with a girlfriend. A devoted, loving, supportive girlfriend who is slowly killing me and leeching away my money. So, it's like most of my relationships. HI-YO! But it's time for me to end it. So I can start feeling better, and stop pissing money away on $8 packs of cancer. I'm already paying so much for cancer in my Cell Phone, not to mention the Microwave in my apartment that is perched dangerously at Groin level. Anyways, Au Revoir Les Cigarettes. I'll miss you. (See you in about 7 months or so.)
• Random Question - If someone's a Lactard, does that mean they have an eating disorder? Or more importantly, can they CLAIM to have an eating disorder?
• So That's Why They Tell Me Not To Try This Crap At Home - Did anyone catch The Daily Show last night? Where Dan Bakkedal tried to fit his whole fist into his mouth? Immediately following (actually during) that segment, my roommate and I both attempted it. He got about 96% of his fist into his piehole, while my piehole could only take about 82% of my fist. You know what they say about Big Hands...how only an idiot would try and fit them into his mouth? Well it's true. Are we the only morons who actually tried this imitatable act? Anyone else? Also - the entire time I was flashing on that episode in Cheers where Kirstie Alley fits her fist in her mouth, and then writes a note asking for someone to call a doctor cuz she couldn't get it out. Good times. How has no one used that footage in the service of a fat joke? For shame, TV's late night talk show hosts. For shame.
• Now I see the Power of the Darkside - All right. I've given in. I want an iPod. There? You happy? You broke me! I want an iPod. Why did I resist? Cuz a) I have no money, and 2) I think iPods are going to be the end of albums as we know it. Since music downloads are at an all time high, and there's more money to be made in them than in CDs (no cost of production). Also, through downloads, you can select specific songs and specific orders for those songs - not neccessarily how the artist designs it. I think digital music means the rise of the single. I don't think it'll wipe out CDs or albums completely, but it will change the format and the way music is made, marketed, and distributed that will alter its face for a while to come. Also, I like the nerdy acoutrements of a CD. The album art. The lyrics. The liner notes - if any exists. I like these physical remnants. That this music doesn't just occupy time, but also a physical space. But, like i said, no me rikey iPod, and so I shall be getting one forthwith.
• Apparently...I'm..Retarded. So There's That - I don't get the hubbub over Battlestar Galactica. I mean, I got the first 2 seasons on DVD, and I'm watching it slowly. But I just don't get it. I think Tricia Helfer (No. 6) is really hot, and Grace Park is gorgeous, and there's some funny moments - but what the hell is the big deal? They always have to make a tense decision between two options, they choose one, and then it all works out...for now! I'm on episode 7 or so. Maybe it gets better? Honestly, someone throw me a bone. I do really like Gaius, the crazy doctor who is tormented by visions/ghost/program of Number 6 in his head. That's just good TV. I also really want Adama (Edward James Almos) to eventually turn to his son, Apollo, point to his face, and say "One day this'll happen to you, too. I used to be beautiful!" So either this show's overrated, or I'm a complete Corky. Maybe the two aren't mutually exclusive.
• Throw the Jew Down the Well: The Movie? - So, evidently, there's a Borat movie a-comin'. Yeah, I had no idea, either. Anyways - here's a positive review of a test screening. Enjoy, and watch how many nerds call the writer a Plant. Outstanding!
• What Am I Listening to: Antony & the Johnsons, I am A Bird Now; Sufjan Stevens, Illinoise; Coheed & Cambria, In Keeping Secrets of Silent Earth: 3; Coheed & Cambria, Good Apollo, I'm Buring Star IV, Volume 1 : From Fear through The Eyes of Madness (whew); Oh No! Oh My! "Walk in the Park"; Oh No! Oh My!, "I Have a Sister"; Film School, "Pitfalls"'; Interpol, Turn on the Bright Lights; M83, Dead Cities, Red Seas, & Lost Ghosts; John Coltrane, Blue Train; Asheru, "Boondocks Theme Song".
• What Am I Looking At: Battlestar Galactica; Real World/Road Rules Challenge: The Gauntlet 2 (Mega Yawn. Bring back The Miz and VolTRon!); Miller's Crossing; The Office; My Name is Earl; Project Runway (yay, Chloe! See ya, crybaby!); Distraction (I don't think they really pee on command to answer questions...how very tragic. It's like Quiz Show, only grosser); Basketball (I'm as surprised as you); Jeopardy!; State of the Union; The Daily Show; The Colbert Report; Aeon Flux: The Complete Series; The 40 Year Old Virgin; Oldboy.
• Thought for the Weekend: The 11 o'clock news is leading off with a story about you - what's the headline?