Se7enth Inning Stretch

I just figured it out. Flash bang whiz, it hit me!

Now I know why people like Baseball so much! Or rather, I can better explain the popularity of the game.

I am (at best and most generously referred to as) a casual fan of the sport. I root for the Red Sox due to familial and geographical obligations, more than any vested interests. Although I do really hate the Yankees. That's not a manufactured emotion or sentiment -- I just believe they are a good example of all that is wrong & soulless in the world. But that's just one man's (probably ill-informed) opinion.

For a quick edification -- I'm a person tailored made for the Yankees/Red Sox rivalry, only cuz I was raised on movies. For years the relationship between the two broke down thusly: The Red Sox are the perfect scrappy underdogs -- they hadn't won for a long time, they didn't have any real stars, they were a rag tag bunch of self-labeled "idiots". Then there's the polished superstars of the Yankees, clearly the villains in this piece. They're cocky, well known, the favorites, have a lot of money, and seem to constantly beat and embarrass the Red Sox. That's why last year's defeat of the Yankees and World Series title for the Sox is so funny -- because, as Steven Wright says, "If it was a movie, it would've been a bad movie. No one would've believed it." Unfortunately, I was primarily raised on movies and comic books due to my horrible athletic abilities and asthmatic setbacks, both a clear indication of God giving my father the Divine Middle Finger in terms of genetics. This meant not only did I not participate in sports, but I grew to not really care about them (most, anyways. God bless you, Curling!). This really wasn't that quick of an edification, was it? Well bite me.

Overall, I find the sport of baseball boring, and slow, and pretty lame. The action is so limited and takes so long to happen, it's a wonder that it's called our national pastime. For Christ's Sake, our Nation's capital finally got a baseball team there after an absence of 30+ years! Personally, my vote for national pastime will always be to either Assassination or Football.

(How about this for a metaphor for America: A group of men, all from various walks of life, come together to fight out in one game using only brute force and strategy all for the hope of winning and eventually getting more recognition and money, while risking permanent injury and embarrasment. The fact that is happens to bring in huge amounts of money and tends to occur on a the highest holy day of the week for Christians also adds to my argument. And women are relegated to looking pretty and forcing smiles in hopes of coming out with a victory. That's the America I know and love! Also I think there's some correlation between the president and John Madden, though I'm not sure yet. God Bless You, NFL.)

But tonight, I had the watershed moment. My father and I spoke a little bit, and suddenly I was peering through the looking glass.

Tonight, my dad went to the Red Sox/Yankees game at Fenway where the Sox ended up beating the Yanks 8-5, and Sheffield got in a bit of a skirmish with some fans in right field. He then came home and we spoke, where he told me that he had a beer, which is unusual for my father -- he doesn't care for beer, but he does like foods prepared in beer (bratwurst, beer battered fried foods, etc. oh the rich tapestry of the Dean family!). Then he said that he could get the tickets to a couple of games to which he and I should go. What follows is my direct train of thought:

I haven't been to a baseball game in a long time -- hey! i'll be legally allowed to drink beers at a baseball game for the first time! All right! -- But I'll probably have to constantly piss after I break the seal -- That would mean I could miss some of the playing -- But it does go by so slowly, it's entirely possible to piss and not miss anything -- OH MY GOD! That's why people love the sport.

And then I had what the alcoholics call a "moment of clarity". Of course grown men love this sport, just as much as they love beer and greasy food with it! You could go to the bathroom after eating 8 hot dogs and guzzling a half keg of beer, deal with that Personal Inferno in the Lavatory, and still make it back and miss maybe three batters at the most. Of course! It's ingenious. With the exception of dirty illicit sex, Baseball conforms with all of our greatest sins.

-- We Drink at the game.
-- We gorge on mystery meats and salty nuts.
-- We bet on the teams.
-- We scream, and curse, wish unspeakable acts on the opposing team/any fan supporting the opposing team.
-- We take credit for our cheering, waves, hat wearing, and stupid dancing as if we effected the outcome of the game. We identify with the players and their win becomes our win.
-- It used to be you could smoke in the stands, and since it's an outdoor event you don't have to deal with the stank (as opposed to old Hockey Arenas which smell like farts & cancer on Ice).
-- We wish we were the players, the guys in the Skybox, or at least that dude who's sitting with that really hot chick even though she's completely out of his league. That son of a bitch. I'm sure he's got a great personality...but still.
-- We sit for hours on end doin naught else but the above mentioned sins.

By my count, that's 6 of the 7 big Deadly Sins. Greed, Gluttony, Sloth, Envy, Pride, Wrath -- and there is occasional Lust (I know a couple of very heterosexual men that once had a deep affinity for Nomar).

So maybe Baseball really is the perfect National Pastime: It moves slowly (like our government), supports our worse traits (like our media/arts) , and it strives for loftier and spiritual aspirations but is usually marred by scandal (like our religion). Not bad for a game where a lot of guys spend a majority of their time fiddlin' with their dongs.

Play Ball, I say!




...but seriously, how much are you gonna charge for a hot dog? cuz that shiite ain't right.