But Can They Blog?

• Bai Lingual (Groan) -- Firstly, let me get this off my chest: I'm not proud that I watched But Can They Sing? It's clearly a bad show. Although, I do think it marks a certain point in our media evolution where people tune in to check out how BAD something is. It's like The Gong Show meets Hollywood Squares - complete with stereotypical swishy gay guy (Although Ant could never fill Paul Lynde's light loafers). But still - I recognize it's not a good show. Luckily, I'm done with it now. I'm out. That's right: I'm renouncing But Can They Sing? and forsaking Ahmet Zappa (how fucked up is your family when that's the most normal name out of Moon Unit and Dweezil?). So who knows who will win between Morgan Fairchild, a shameful Gotti , and an Ex-Power Ranger? I don't know, and I don't care. Why have I grown so sour against But Can They Sing? Cuz America voted off Bai Ling. I loved that crazy Chinese whore! She seemed both as innocent as a school girl and as dirty as a Tijuana hooker, all wrapped up into one body that refused to be clothed. And her rendition of "I Wanna be Sedated" was quite good! Meanwhile, the most worthless human being on the planet (no, not you, Michael Brown), that Gotti loser, hangs around to attempt to rap and refuse to dance. It's like Fredo's Variety Hour or some shit. Well, But Can They Sing? -- I knew it was you. You broke my heart. You broke my heart. I gotta turn my back on you now; I gotta. But I still love you, Bai Ling; you crazy, crazy, crazy whore.
• Just a Thought -- In the new Chronicles of Narnia video game, do they have a secret "Jesus Mode" that you can unlock? Cuz that would be friggin sweet.
• Can You Real Spoil Something that's Already Gone Bad? -- I got it from an inside source - which is hilarious on SO many levels - that Dominique will not be Making the Band. Don't fret, fans of Dominique - evidently Diddy knows talent (like when he passed on Missy and Kelly Price, telling both women they had to lose weight before he would sign them; or when he signed Black Rob..."like whoa" indeed), or at least knows what he likes, and he likes Dominique. So she'll be retained for a solo career. Personally, I hate the girl and the way she sings -- that whole running up and down the scales at every chance you get a la Mariah Carey, X-Tina, and every female contestant on American Idol -- but I recognized that she wouldn't be good in a group setting. Her voice works better on its own. Anyways, there you go, bitches. Go forth with this knowledge and bet people on the outcome of MB3.
• Is Wichita Falls Near Fargo? -- Saw The Ice Harvest the other night. Meh. That's my entire review.
  ...
  Just Kidding, America. I'm adorable. Anways, The Ice Harvest is okay. Oliver Platt was hilarious as a drunken lout who is quite obnoxious and crude. He also has one of my favorite lines this year, as he's laying hungover on a couch and pleading with someone to take him out of Kansas: "Please, take me with you. I Can't Do My Life, Charlie. I Can't Do My Life." John Cusack was good but boring in this film; then again I do have a serious nonsexual mancrush on the guy. But still - he was only okay. Billy Bob Thornton is always good, and he's really fucking vicious and sleazy in this movie; and that's saying something for Billy Bob. The movie plays like a weak Coen Bros. movie - a quirky noir, with some funny moments, some odd characters, and some scenes of gruesome violence. Unfortunately, it doesn't gel or stand out like it would under the thumb of The Coen Brothers(or at least would have - remember when they were brilliant? Le Sigh.) . If you want to see a quirky, funny, violent, dark, smart movie - then I still recommend Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang.
• Just a Thought, Part 2 -- I wish I could play a musical instrument. I always think about it, and I think everyone should force their kids into those horrible torturous practice sessions. I wish my parents had made me stick it out with the violin or piano. And I wish that guitar teacher hadn't lied to me and told me my fingers were too short. If you don't want to hang out with me, Aged Hippie Just Trying to Scrape Together Some Cash for Another Trip back to Jamaica, you don't have to lie about it. That's just low.
• George Bush Doesn't Care About Black People...or Remix Albums - We all know about The Grey Album - personally, I wasn't that impressed. I mean, I liked the beats and the music all right, but they still kept the worst part of Jay-Z on the album - his lyrics. (Why couldn't they get Dylan from Da Band? He spits hot fiyah!) And recently there's a remix album that takes 50 Cent and mashes it up with Queen's greatest hits. But there's another remix album that I completely missed which is actually kinda cool. What's more, y'all can download it in a global act of defiance. If you go to this site here, it has all of the details, but allow me to summarize: American Edit, as done by a group of DJs all collectively called "Dean Gray", was released onto the interweb, and featured some crazy mashups between Green Day's American Idiot album and Aerosmith, Kanye West, Dire Straits, Queen, Oasis, U2, Smokey Robinson & The Miracles, Ashanti, some song about the Daleks and Dr. Who, and our beloved President Bush himself, amongst countless others I've missed. It's not the cleanest mash up ever, but it's definitely interesting and fairly cool. Some people will definitely think it sucks, but I have a soft spot for mash ups. Basically what they show is that all songs are the same, and while that may sound nihilistic, I mean in it the "it's all connected" sense. Just branches on the same tree. Sorry for the poetics, back to the story. So the album is released and then 10 Days later, they get shut down by the record label. Now, on December 13, 2005, starting at 12AM, hundreds of different sites will host this album for download. You just have to go to that previously mentioned site, anytime on December 13th, and you can download yourself a brand new indie cred underground certified mash up album like them celebrities are always talkin' about.
• Just a Thought, Part 3 -- I wish there were some way to give the gift of adventure to my friends. To simply hand them an envelope filled with a treasure map or some ancient prophecy, and then they'd be whisked away to combat some dark forces in some exotic land. And then maybe they could do the same for me one day. That's all everyone's looking for, right? Adventure? Drugs, sex, getting drunk, falling in love, playing a sport, gambling -- these are all tiny slices of an adventure. Fraught with dashes of peril, danger, excitement, the unknown. And we take these little slices and are happy with them, but inside we're all Oliver Twist, approaching Life meekly asking for more. "MORE?"
• First The Simpsons, and Now Me? WTF, Seth? -- (I should warn you - no one but me finds this coincindence weird or alarming. With that in mind, please continue to read.) It was in college where I disovered this little gem. I thought, and still do think, that it's the funniest thing ever, and it's so simple. Just a lil banana bopping up and down to a stupid, stupid song. I would play it for my friends with a gleefully retarded smile across my face, and they would enjoy. A couple of weeks ago, we were watching the Eagles slowly self destruct. This made my roommate, a PA sports nut, a saaaaaaad panda. Well, I thought it would be nice to cheer him up, but he seemed inconsolable. Then I simply navigated to that website and I played him a lil of our favorite mongoloid fruit flash animation. He was happy once more. Then...a few days later...I turn on the TV, watching some subpar Family Guy and Brian offers to cheer up Peter. All of a sudden - this happens:
  
  
  
  If you want to see the actual video of the whole event, click it here. So what the fuck? I'm not saying the reference isn't coincindental, but I'm saying the set up of using PB&J time for cheering up purposes is a very eerie. Stop spying on me, Seth Macfarlane! Or if you must--then please use my better material! You know, the stuff about how Black people and white people have large cultural differences!
• Yes, but Where's Wyld Stallyns? Evidently, there's 75 Band references in this picture. Can you spot them? (Click to enlarge)
  
  
  
  If you want to know the ones peeps have found, go on over to here. There, I just wasted some more time at work for you.
• Just a Thought, Part 4 -- If I were on Jeopardy, and I didn't like the question, I would ring in and say "What is bullshit, Alex?" He'd be shocked but, being the consummate professional that he is, Trebek would simply reply "No, no it's not." And then I would reply, "Oh, it is, Alex. It is."
• Put This in Your Fife and Smoke It -- Here's an interesting theory about Lost. I think starting next Thursday, I'm gonna discuss my thoughts and opinions on the show. So if you haven't seen all the episodes, turn away. But I do love the show. Like everything else I love - it frustrates and disappoints me, but I still know that it blows everything else completely out of the water and in the end, it makes me a very happy person. Anyways, everybody needs to get caught up - which you have ample opportunity with the show not returning until January 2006 - and then head on back here and we shall discuss.

That's about it for now, I suppose. I'm prepping a quiz in my crazy noggin, so you mofos best be prepped to gimme some answers. Keep it realz, people; real safe.

RIP
Bai Ling
May You Sing Your Ballads With
The Angels in Heaven