You're Invading MySpace! Nyuk, Nyuk, nyuk...sigh.

Here's what I recently found posted on my bulletin board at MySpace, perhaps some of you have seen this:

Don't stop reading this or something VERY BAD will happen to you in exactly 5 hours and 22 minutes. This is extremely freaky. Be careful what you open.

During a thunderstorm ...
Beth: Hey Ben! Sup?
Ben: Uhhh ... nothing much about to go to a party ... haha you?
Beth: Haha nice ... uhhh just staying in for the night.
Ben: I have this huge favor to ask you ...
Beth: Yeah ... what?
Ben: Can you please come over and watch my brother for me? I won't be able to go if no one watches him.
Beth: Ughh ... well ....
Ben: Please Beth!
Beth: *Sighs* Alright. I'll be over in a few minutes.

A few minutes later, Beth arrives at Ben's house.

Ben: Hey, thanks so much!
beth: Hehe. No problem. By the way, you look really nice.
Ben: Thanks! Anyways, here's my number. Call me in about an hour and tell me how everything is, okay?
Beth: Alright, bye!

Then Ben left. Beth headed over to Ben's younger brother.

Beth: Hey sport!
John: Hi Beth ... I'm really scared ...
Beth: Awww ... don't be. I'm here. Lets turn on some T.V.

As Beth walked over to the T.V. , the lights suddenly went out. John freaked out and screamed!

Beth: John, it's okay. I have a flashlight. Hold on, one second. Darn it! The flashlight doesn't work! Uhmmm ... okay, okay, lets go up to your brother's room. I think he has an extra one.

John: *mumbles* okay.

As Beth and John headed up towards Ben's room, they heard a creepy laughter that brought chills up their spines.

John: *screams* What was that?!

Beth: John stop doing that. Let me call your brother and ask where the flashlight is.
John: But I didn't ... *Johns voice started to fade away ...*
Beth: Hey Ben! How's the party?
ben: Good, thanks! Listen I got to go. Can I call you in 5 minutes?
Beth: Sure. But where's the flashlight in your room?
Ben: Oh, uhmmm ... it's under my bed, to the left. I think.

Beth walks over to Ben's bed and screams.

Beth: Oh my God!
ben: What happened?!
beth: Oh, hahah. Nothing, I didn't know you had a clown statue in your bedroom. It scared me half to death Especially the bloody knife on its hand. It looks so real! Where did you get it? Did you get it at the Halloween store?
Ben: Beth ... I don't have a clown statue in my bedroom.

The line quickly goes dead. Ben started panicing and raced home as fast as he can. When he got home, he ran into his bedroom, where Beth and Ben were no where to be seen. He saw his brother lying on his bed.

Ben: *rolls his eyes and said to himself* I can't believe Beth would play such an awful trick on me.

He went and sat down at his computer and pulled up myspace. He went into his myspace account and checked his bulletins. I noticed that he had a random new friend. The profile picture was a freaky clown face. That made him freak out a bit. Then he saw that the mysterious clown friend had posted a bulletin called "Clowning Around". Ben opened the bulletin and started to read it. This was the same bulletin that he saw last night! He got freaked out and didn't repost it. Trembling, he got in his bed, next to his brother and kissed his cheek good night.

Ben: You can sleep here with me tonight, Sport. Good night.

Suddenly, the figure in the bed turned to ben.

Clown: Now its your turn.

Ben let out a high pitch screamed and the clown killed him. After the job was done, the clown threw Ben under the bed along with Beth and John.

If you don't repost this in the next 10 minutes, the clown will appear by your bed tonight, while you're sleeping and the same ending will happen to you. When you repost this name it your schools name followed by 'hoe list'. This isn't a joke

Things I like about this (think of these as "study questions"), besides the fact that it finally revives the age old tradition of psychopathic clowns:
a) the writer makes a point of saying that Ben's scream is high-pitched. it's not enough that his brother and "friend" are dead, but he also screams like a girl.

2) What IS the nature of ben & beth's relationship? I mean, obviously they are very close, and perhaps we can infer some sort of physical intimacy. After all, Beth HAS spent some time in ben's bedroom before, and clearly with the lights out (why else would she know where the flashlight is?). But on the other hand, clearly Ben is kind of a douche. He goes to a party without his "Friend" and dumps his kid brother on her? That's a dick move, Benjamin. Not cool. You've changed, man. You've changed.

iii) No one knows how to spell "panicking". Also, whatever happened to tenses, people? You want me to be scared, but right now all that's frightening me is that all of a sudden "he" becomes "i" halfway through a paragraph. Terrifying.

Fourthly) Why does this appear on myspace, incorporate myspace INTO its urban legend, and yet, clearly does not know how myspace works? How does he "suddenly have a new friend"? There's a qualifying procedure, a screening process if you will, that wouldn't allow such a random and sudden addition to his friends. This blatant disregard of MySpace protocol is just wrong and libelous.

e) So...the clown's his brother? Cuz the post says "He saw his brother lying on his bed", but then a few moments later:

Trembling, he got in his bed, next to his brother and kissed his cheek good night.

Ben: You can sleep here with me tonight, Sport. Good night.

Suddenly, the figure in the bed turned to ben.

Clown: Now its your turn.

The figure in the bed becomes the clown? That's just sloppy writing. That's like Scream 3 sloppy. Here's my take: The Clown and Ben's brother (hereafter referred to as Lil Bro) are the same person, but from different dimensions. The Clown is from Earth-C, a world where all people look like clowns. But a horrible electromagnetic pulse hits Earth-C, and all life was wiped out in this dimension's planet. However, at that time the EMP hit, Clown Bro was on his computer, posting something on MySpace. Due to the intricacies of physics...and string theory...and all that stuff....ahem....the Clown Bro found himself in OUR world, but he had to share the same body as Lil Bro. However, only one personality can be dominant at one time. Angered at the destruction of his own world, and the indignities of being trapped inside a little boy's body, Clown Bro has become warped, and decides to lash out at this UnClown world. Hence, one moment he's Lil Bro and then (when Lil Bro) vanishes, he appears as his Clown self. But then who else is underneath the bed with Beth and Ben? Bum Bum Bummmmm....

I should totally write for "Lost".

So in conclusion, if I am found slain by a homicidal clown this evening, please note that it was down by a confused clown boy from an alternate dimension, who is as scared of us and our nonclown world as we are of him and his killing abilities. Also, I guess the moral of the story is that MySpace should really only be used to hook up with underaged sluts.

Your friend in Christ,

Dean