Battle Royale

All right, after the last two "depressing-but-uplifting-and-in-either-case-too-serious" posts, I decided it's time to cleanse the palate with a lil good ole fashioned Monkeybrand silliness.

This is a diversion game that my friend, Nate Gundy (nee Gundelfinger; thanks, Ellis Island!), and I developed in 5th grade. Basically you take two figures - be they real, fictional, historical, cartoons, what have you - and you pit them against each other in a fight to the death. Now remember, it's not who you like better -- it's who would win in a physical fight (although they can use their money, intelligence, etc to aide them). And it's basically just dropping them into a steel cage and forcing them to have at each other, unless otherwise noted.

I will post all of the fights, and you will give me your predictions and your reasoning. Once I have at least 5 comments, I will respond in the comment section with my own predictions and thought process. Now then...

Let's Get It On!

1) Adam Sandler vs. Jimmy Fallon
2) Mal (Nathan Fillion from Serenity/Firefly) vs. Han Solo (you know who he is)
3) The Grimace vs SnuffleUpAGus (from Sesame St)
4) Demi Moore in Ghost vs. Jennifer Love Hewitt in Ghost Whisperer
5) Mike Meyers (the actor not the Slasher) vs. Kanye West
6) Smurfs vs. Snorks
7) Mark Wahlberg vs. Paul Walker
8) Martha Stewart vs. Oprah
9) Tara Reid vs. Anna Nicole Smith
10) Wolverine vs. Beatrix Kiddo (aka The Bride in Kill Bill)
11) Patrick Swayze vs. All of the kids in You Got Served
12) Quint (From Jaws) vs. Steve Zissou (from The Life Aquatic)
13) King Kong vs. A Team of Raptors from Jurassic Park
14) Locke (from Lost) vs. Col. Kurz (from Apocalypse Now!)
15) Vin Diesel vs. The Rock vs. 50 Cent
16) Jessica Alba vs. Jessica Simpson vs. Jessica Biel
17) Dave Chapelle vs. Martin Lawrence
18) Larry David vs. Bill Lumberg (Office Space)
19) Panther vs. Cheetah
20) David Blaine vs. Johnny Knoxville
21)Ashlee Simpson vs. Avril Levigne
22) She-Ra vs. Xena
23) Desperate Housewives vs. crew from Sex & the City
24) Conan O'Brien vs. Craig Kilborn
25) Star Wars fan vs. Trekkie
26) Zach Braff vs. Cillian Murphy (28 Days Later, Batman Begins, etc)
27)The Golden Girls vs. The Designing Women (original cast)
28) California Dreams vs. the band the kids were in on Saved By the Bell
29) Hayden Christensen vs. Elijah Wood
30) Underdog vs Mighty Mouse

A Modest Proposal

"The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time
with the blood of patriots and tyrants." -- Thomas Jefferson

"I believe in America." -- The Godfather

It's Politcal Time!

Woooo!

If only anybody from any sort of an opposing party or opinion ever read my blog. Not cuz I want a childish pissing contest where we each call each other stupid and ugly and blame one another's beliefs for destroying our contest. I just like diversified opinions actually discussing these opposing views.

Anywhoski...check out this article, found HERE.

Read through it carefully. Don't rush. Didja finish? No? It's okay, we can wait. All set? Good.

Now then, after reading this article I sent it out to my friends on the web. Most of us are similar minded in terms of politics (i.e. Bush sucks), and I liked the cynical world weary voice of the article. It said, in resentful muted tones, that "We're All Fucked". That tickled me.

So one of my friends, let's call her Kurzle, and I started talking afterwards. Enclosed is the conversation (slightly cleaned up from all the embarrassing retarded spelling & grammar inherent to IM):

Kurzle: this [article] is depressing
Kurzle: i hate bush and those smug republicans so much
Kurzle: they just piss me off how they move behind someone and lash out at anything that attacks them
Kurzle: and they can just pull shit like this
Kurzle: like putting everyone in jeopardy
Kurzle: and it's no biggie
Kurzle: and they're always right
Kurzle: they infuriate me
TheNeuroticMonkey: well, on the other hand -- the problem with the democrats is not only do they not have any direction, any vision, or any leadership
TheNeuroticMonkey: they literally have no other solutions
TheNeuroticMonkey: they're just like “what [Bush] did is wrong!”
TheNeuroticMonkey: “well, how would you fix it moving forward?”
TheNeuroticMonkey: “well we wouldn't have—”
TheNeuroticMonkey: “no, not the past. In the future: what are your plans for making something better in the future?”
Kurzle: they frustrate me but at least i feel like they’re not as evil
TheNeuroticMonkey: no, they're incompetent and spineless
TheNeuroticMonkey: Dante said "the hottest parts in hell are reserved for those that remained in neutrality"
Kurzle: but they're not neutral - they're just spineless.
TheNeuroticMonkey: inaction is neutrality
TheNeuroticMonkey: Anyone can bitch about something.
TheNeuroticMonkey: they're as effective as a crazy guy on the side of the street
TheNeuroticMonkey: kind of entertaining, occasionally raising good points, but fairly harmless unless given a real tool.
TheNeuroticMonkey: except in this case, even if the Dems were given a tool they would still be impotent.
Kurzle: they need a leader
Kurzle: both sides piss me off
Kurzle: but i hate republicans so much more
Kurzle: i hope that someone can lead the democrats to creating a stronger front
Kurzle: and try and impeach the president
Kurzle: somehow
TheNeuroticMonkey: i say absolve the democratic party
TheNeuroticMonkey: disolve it, rather
TheNeuroticMonkey: it is dead
TheNeuroticMonkey: long live the democrats
TheNeuroticMonkey: start a new party
Kurzle: and do what, swing w/republicans all the time?
TheNeuroticMonkey: no
Kurzle: the greens w/balls?
TheNeuroticMonkey: create a snazzy name
TheNeuroticMonkey: people say "what's the difference between the two parties?"
TheNeuroticMonkey: and the [new] party actually has real solid answers
TheNeuroticMonkey: the democrats are no longer the party of the people
TheNeuroticMonkey: they no longer serve their function
TheNeuroticMonkey: their days have come to an end.
Kurzle: well they won't dissolve and another party won't form
Kurzle: so i'm hoping someone comes along and lights a fire for them to fucking organize for once
TheNeuroticMonkey: why won't another party form?
TheNeuroticMonkey: they won't dissolve, they will fade away.
TheNeuroticMonkey: they will be absorbed by the republicans and the new party
TheNeuroticMonkey: i will dub it Party X
TheNeuroticMonkey: all Party X needs is people not in Washington and money
Kurzle: so like when the Virgin mobile guy decides to form a party
TheNeuroticMonkey: exactly.
TheNeuroticMonkey: but think of how many people out there are party-less
TheNeuroticMonkey: not in terms of nonvoting
TheNeuroticMonkey: but how many people really still support the democrats?
TheNeuroticMonkey: how many people really still support Bush?
TheNeuroticMonkey: now's the time to create the Third Party
TheNeuroticMonkey: when there's no clear heir apparent for 2008
TheNeuroticMonkey: the President is fumbling
TheNeuroticMonkey: the Democrats are ineffective
TheNeuroticMonkey: this is the time in history for a new party to rise
TheNeuroticMonkey: Greens have a stigma attached to them, as does the Independent
Kurzle: you should suggest it to the virgin guy
Kurzle: he would love it
TheNeuroticMonkey: he's british
TheNeuroticMonkey: so he's out
TheNeuroticMonkey: it can't be foreign
TheNeuroticMonkey: no ties to a foreign nation
Kurzle: what about ... not bill gates
Kurzle: maybe like a lottery winner who’s got a shitload of cash
Kurzle: and hasn't been jaded yet
TheNeuroticMonkey: but seriously...there's a mass of people that are disconnected
TheNeuroticMonkey: cuz no one fucking represents them
TheNeuroticMonkey: at all
Kurzle: we will be the party the statue of liberty would elect
TheNeuroticMonkey: they're not all the way to the right, but they're not leftists extremists...but they also disagree with most conservative social & political movements
TheNeuroticMonkey: we are The Sanctuary Party
TheNeuroticMonkey: We Provide Refuge from the Bullshit
Kurzle: hey that's not bad
Kurzle: how can we get this rolling?

****


Seriously, WHY THE HELL NOT?

Anyone?

Why can't a new third party rise from the ashes of the Democrats? Their time is over. They have failed their objective. They served their purpose in the 60s-90s, starting off as that faction that backed civil rights and protested the war and were out on the streets tussling with establishment before become the whining conscience to soulless Yuppie Empire and then becoming the Sellouts with Conscience in the Clinton Years. But now what? They have no balls, they have no impact, they have no plan -- in short, They Have No Use.

The Republicans are slowly falling apart. Not that Miers withdrawing, or Rove getting Indicted, or the Display of Inept Croneyism, or Iraq being an abysmal failure will really be the death knell for the party. The Republicans are stronger than this, they have the machinery in place to keep their ironworks piping for years to come. But there is a problem that's easily recognizable and eerily familiar to anyone that's seen a gangster flick -- Mo Money, Mo Problems. This is the part of the movie where everything's going really well, so well in fact that they feel untouchable and entitled. That means things are gonna get bad. Firstly, the Evangelicals will keep trying to assert their power; and while most politicians will lick bootheel like leather fetishists cleaning their dom's shoes, there will be some who won't like it. This will create a small chasm within the party, where you have the serious politicians (and the Libertarians as well) rubbing up against the mammoth sway of the Jesus Freaks.
Next step in the Republican Self Destruction Spiral is that they will go too far. Like Joe Pesci screwing Sharon Stone in Casino, or Joe Pesci killing that guy in Goodfellas, or Joe Pesci trying to steal from Macauley's house in Home Alone -- the Republicans, full of a sense of entitlement, will do something that is just unforgiveable. That is when the people will rush in to check them. Now, it should've been Iraq. But my guess is that it'll be something involving Syria or Iran...or worse yet, something involving Americans in this country. The point is, there will come an atrocious action that will clearly mark the Republicans crossing a line. It happens to every political group when they have carte blanche...it's human nature to push something as far as it can go...and then push it beyond that point. We believe our own hype and we're gluttonous greedy consumers, which is a deadly combination.

Meanwhile, no one gives two shits about the poor except John Edwards and Bono. We have fat moronic children growing up to be soulless shallow zombies, completely worthless to the world around them. We grow more and more insular--walking around with our iPods & Cell Phones, a way of carrying our realm into the world around us, rather than taking in the sights & sounds of strangers in strange lands. We fight Wars against Intangible Ideas, with No Clear Objectives--they are designed to perpetuate full into the future. We are on the verge of Orwell's Dystopia, with everyone rehearsing their parts for the big show.

But we can change it. We can.

I'm not unpatriotic. More and more I find myself defending the US, although I'm not playing devil's advocate; it's because, like those first words of The Godfather, I believe in America. I really do. I think we are capable of such great and amazing things. Are we a fucked up nation? Yeah. But that doesn't mean we don't have the potential to be truly inspiring. And anytime I rant and rave about our nation, it's not because I hate America or I'm unpatriotic. It's the same reason parents lecture their child -- because they love him, and want only the best for him, and know he's capable of accomplishing greatness. I love this country; I'm just very disappointed in it.

So what would distinguish The Sanctuary Party from the other two parties?

Well, in reference to the Democrats, we'd have a plan. And in contrast to the Republicans, we'd have a soul. It's the best of both worlds! A Donkephant, or Elephankey. We Sanctuarians aren't going to be defined along party lines. Sanctuary is a broad term encompassing liberals, conservatives, moderates, fanatics. Like the President said, we won't "kick the gays", but we kick Jesus, either. We are the true big tent, and all are welcome to discuss their opposing ideas.

But what of this plan I mentioned. Anyone can say they have a plan, but do we actually have some form of implementation? Well, I'll be the first to admit I'm not the most practical man on the planet and I'm fairly ignorant when it comes to making policy a reality. But here's how I see it:

1) Universal Healthcare.
Fuck the Insurance Companies and the Pharmaceuticals. Not saying these people can't do good work and can't still do good work under Universal Healthcare, but the greed has to be stopped. They are cut off. Too many people are wandering this nation ready to die. As Morgan Spurlock says in an episode of 30 Days, "We have excellent Sick Insurance. If you get sick the doctors will take the best care of you. If you have a heart attack, they will revive you and make you all right again. But we don't have Health Insurance; we don't have the means of preventing that Heart Attack from occurring." Using EVERY OTHER MODERN INDUSTRIALIZED NATION in the World we can model our healthcare system accordingly, and create a plan that will effectively cover every citizen of this nation, and avoid any pitfalls that have cropped up in these other countries. There's no reason that a choice has to be made between bankruptcy and life. It's a horrible choice foisted on us by cold, soulless monsters in suits with eyes on stock prices instead of an EKG monitor. Our people will not be doped up and denied effective treatment just so some douchebag can get a blowjob in a Miada.

2) Education.
Firstly, Foreign Language must be taught and learned starting in the second grade. It's a global world, time for us to start acting like it. If you start language integration early, it's a lot easier for children to pick up on. Yes I know, it's a crazy and daring new concept. But it's gonna happen. New teacher positions will be opened up throughout the nation for these Elementary School Foreign Language teachers. And not just French and Spanish, either. But also Japanese, Chinese, Russian, Swahili, Arabic, whatever's out there.
Secondly, computer technology must be taught starting at an early age too. Thanks to the proliferation of technology in home computers, video games, home & travel entertainment, and cell phones, kids are already fairly adept at understanding and utilizing technology. Well, some are. We need to make this a much larger group. Kids need to know not just how to use computers, but how to build them too. I have no idea how 95% of the shit in my house works. None. And whenever I watch movies or TV shows where people are stranded in desolate areas, I'm always amazed when they know how to fix anything. Well, kids should know how mechanical devices and computerized devices work, and not just how to operate them.
Thirdly, lest people think I'm introducing a generation of fat nerdy kids who jerk off to Anime, I also think we need to increase GYM. Yes, Gym - one of the more cursed classes of my youth. But it's important. Kids need to exercise, and need to be taught how to do it properly and how to have a decent diet. Much like the Japanese system of morning calisthenics, I think that should be encouraged everywhere. From Kindegarten through the office. It's time we got back in shape goddammit. I'm sick of walking around in what feels like a funhouse mirror, with squat wide people chaffing their thighs and panting as they try to climb a few steps. Does this mean we'll probably have to extend the school day? Yes. But that's a great thing -- it means kids are learning longer, interacting with each other in different environments more, and off the streets and less chance of getting into trouble. My generation and the subsequent generation might be lost, but we can invest in the future right now. And this can be the action that validates our generation -- we actually gave to the future.

3) The Cabinet.
Much like Lincoln, I want the Cabinet and everyone that surrounds the white house to be made of people of different ideologies. If the Presidential nominee is a liberal tree hugger, then the vice president should be a conservative corporate whore. It's called forcing dialogue. And it's also called inclusion. That's the main theme of us Sanctuarians. We include everyone. And we don't discourage disagree, and we don't avoid it, and we don't try and silence an opposing voice. We use rational, well thought out compromises to make the most people happy with the least amount of pain for others. We are the real Big Tent, we are the circus tent. Life's a fun show, and everyone is invited to attend and add their own act to the show. No FREAKS, just ATTRACTIONS.

4) Election Year Monthly Debates.
For the Year leading up to Presidential election, the two opposing candidates must meet once a month and discuss what's going on in the world. No more soundbites. If someone says something factually incorrect, then they are CORRECTED. Every month we learn who our candidates are and how they think about the world. We get to know them outside of their slogans and their staged supporters. It makes more of a record, and makes more accountability for one's words.

5) It's called a Foreign Policy, ConSnarnIt!
Hey -- maybe it is a good thing to spread Democracy throughout the world. But sometimes it's a lot easier to spread the good news when you have a team working on it. That means working with as many nations as we can. That means not being an O'Reilly fucktard and boycott France. That means actually creating an effective United Nations. If Woodrow Wilson saw the UN now, he'd probably go on a nationwide campaign to shut it down but eventually would die of some horrible disease that plagued him even as he passionately called for reform. Mainly cuz that's kinda what Woodrow Wilson was all about. Also, if we have open dialogues with our antagonizing nations, then there's more chance not just for diplomacy but also for covert operations. Think about it, as long as there's some leighway, we're more likely able to infiltrate and extract information from that country. If it's completely stonewalled to us, and we're relying on China or Israel to sneak us in, then we're pretty much in the dark. And also, it's time to back off of Israel a bit. We'll still be the slightly protective older brother, the one who gives some advice and will show up if a real fight is going down, but Israel is old enough now that we need to let it alone. It's in its College Years, we need to let it grow up on its own, experiment, meet some new nations. Besides, we have Iraq to look after. Our priorities have completely shifted, and while we'll always have that connection to Israel, and we're on each other's Friendster pages, we are both totally different people now.

6) Just Fucking Do It, Already.
Yes, I'm talking about legalizing marijuana. There are no more reasons not to legalize it. Any reason you can give me can be used for alcohol, and that's legal with restrictions. Meanwhile, Pot and its family of plants can be used for a bunch of different fabrics and oils. These are all large industries which will provide jobs. Marijuana can grow in most places, so that means a lot more agricultural work. Then you have to think about the different brands of Weed, which means all sorts of scientific and engineering jobs. Then there's marketing, packaging, and a distribution positions. And lastly you tax the crap out of it, so there's revenue for the state and country. And then you minus all of the money being spent on the War on Drugs in terms of Marijuana, and also all the man hours of national & local security devoted to this one drug, and your saving on money and can devote this workers to more important matters like protecting our borders and keeping our country safe. To continue the debate over weed is just foolish. And for people to continue the hypocrisy in the debate is pathetic; we all know most people have smoked pot, including our current lawmakers. They all seem okey dokey, don't they? So instead of people acting like Marijuana is the devil in plant form, let's be smart about this and make it profitable for all of us, as well as safe for the users.

***

These are just some of my ideas for the Sanctuary Party. I know this'll never happen. Because, with the exception of the draft and homegrown concentration camps, I don't know what to do to get people in the surrounding generations to vote. Instead of only the Elderly deciding how we proceed, why don't we decide our fates?

The Elderly care about politics cuz they know they can go out at any time, so might as well ensure that they're present and last days are exactly like they envision. It's funny that grandparents that love to spoil their grandchildren with He-Man toys and crappy sweaters don't really give a shit about them when it's time to go to the polls. "I love Billy, but he's just gonna have to learn to deal with this smog -- I need my Ensure at a reasonable price!"

So the Target Audience for the Sanctuary Party are the Hard Sells. So I guess I'm setting myself up for failure, but at least I have an idea, right? The Elderly won't like it cuz they don't want anything new, it scares them and reminds them of their own mortality and obsolescence. But who knows -- maybe the elderly wanna smoke pot and get free healthcare, and they seem to enjoy debates, and the sight of their children actually healthy and pseudo intelligent might mean something to them. Plus I'll throw in a mandatory Lawrence Welk marathon, how about...every April?

The point is thus: The Time has Come for a Change. The Two Party system is limiting, inherently antagonistic, and patronizingly simplistic. There's more than two opposing ideas out there on any issue, so why aren't there more than two opposing voices? And when one of those voices is a meek murmuring of disagreement -- looking at you Democrats -- isn't it time to end the national dialogue, and open up the floor to any other suggestions?

Isn't it about time we started something new in this country? Isn't it about time we tossed off all labels except American and Human Being and tried to create a country that fosters hope, grace, intelligence, and a prosperity; not just economic prosperity, but an enrichment of the heart, mind, body, and soul?

For Christ's sake, Don't We All Deserve Better?

The Sanctuary Party --
We Provide Refuge from the Bullshit. Come on Inside.

Trying to Catch Some Zs...but Unfortunately, Like All My Previous Attempts at Athleticism, I Drop the Zs and My Dad Calls Me a "Fag"

The Kid Fell Again.


Please allow me to back track a little:


By nature I'm an insomniac. I don't know why this is...I just always prefer to stay up later. I prefer going to bed as the sun rises, rather than waking up with the Dawn of a new day. I find my circadian rhythm matches the beat of a Velvet Underground song that spirals and thrives in the wee hours of the morning. In high School and college I would stay up til about 5 or 7 in the morning. Then I would go to school, or class, and function all right.

The times, they are a-becoming quite different. Now I'm a Citizen who has to wake up at 7 AM and go to my job in my biz-casual finery. So the transition from Late Night Slackster to Bushy Tailed Morning Person is slowly begun, and it's going about as well as Jennifer Love Hewitt's music career (Rrreow!). No matter how early I wake up, or how hard I work, I'm usually not tired. And spend my nights unable to sleep until about 2 or 3 in the morning.

What this means is that sleep is a precious commodity to me. And like that other precious commodity, Money, I'm unable to manage it properly and I desperately desire more of it. Unfortunately, I can't hope that my Grandmother will die and bequeathe all of her sleep to me in her Will (for the record - the same is true of my money situation).

Most of my sleep is not preoccupied but crazy dreams. One of my friends, Keith, has a dream about once a week or so where he and a group of friends are being pursued by monsters, zombies, or some form of walking terror. While I'm sure it's kind of stressful, that sounds like some cool dreams. I have other friends who have dreams about hooking up with Celebrities, so they close their eyes and they're banging Lindsay Lohan and Heath Ledger. I either have no dreams, or just ones where I run around confused and trying to sort out a situation. The worst being when I couldn't make any sense of an expense report I was entering into the system. Not only was that dream stressful, it meant that my corporate identity was leaking into my unconsciousness; in essence, I've been infected by the Cubicle Life, and no part of me is safe -- not even Fantasyland. I woke up out of that dream in a cold sweat. Partly because the dream was filled with high anxiety, but also because I was realizing that now even my sleeping life was under siege.

Imagine some thing you get very little of in your life. Now make it so that whenever you get it, there's a good chance that it will be tainted, or bad, or stressful. Add those together and you get my sex life. Hi-Yo! But you also get my current situation with sleep.

So whenever I sleep, I savor it; I don't want to let it go. Every last minute is enjoyed...if I wake up even a half a minute before the alarm goes off, I'm pissed at myself. Just one more thing I've screwed up, I think to myself. I can't even sleep properly. Babies and demented old people can do that. But somehow, the fine art of sleeping has evaded my mastery. So I angrily get out of bed and prepare for my long day of self hatred and suicidal tendencies.

So imagine what sort of a mood I find myself when I'm woken up by the cacophony of something falling on the floor above me followed by the long wail of a child. At 5:50 in the morning. It's maybe one of the worst things to open your eyes to, because you're thinking 1) What the fuck was that? Maybe it didn't happen. 2) Is the child okay? and 3) That fucking piece of shit kid--doesn't he know it's 5:50 in the morning?

It's not a going to be a good day when you start out the morning cursing out a small child. But there I sat, in my bed, eyes pointed at the ceiling overhead where the loud tumbling noises stirred me from my sleep before being accompanied by the high pitch siren of a toddler's pain, muttering some of the most ruthless expletitives I know. I'm not proud of my actions. But on the other hand, it was such a jarring way to be awoken, that all I can think of is that "because that Little Bundle of Retarded Joy just fell, I have just lost an hour of sleep".

This is why I shouldn't be allowed to be a parent.

Cut to this morning--same fucking time. Exact same placement right above my head. Same thud. Same high pitched wail.

The kid fell again.

Now I know this isn't the most riveting post ever. What have we learned?

A) I like to sleep.
2) I'm self deprecating.
III) And I hate children.

Nothing interesting or even close to being novel or unique. But I guess the larger story is how the little things, the bare minimum joys we indulge in, are always constantly under attack. For example, my roommate loves himself some Football. I enjoy the game -- but not enough to have 3 fantasy teams, tell you which players played for what colleges, or even remember most of the players names. I like watching the games, but he loves The Game itself. A lot of his life is unfairly dominated by a job he hates, so wherever he can find solace and happiness, he soaks it up. Football is one of those respites of comfort. But even that oasis is under attack thanks to my nerdy behavior and tendency to annoy and chat.

How often are moments of tender coitus interrupted by untimely biological problems, unfortunate phone calls, distracting pets, inquisitive relatives and neighbors?

Can't enjoy your cigarette in peace without someone faux coughing or pushing you into the gutter like an Untouchable Indian Street Urchin?

How many times are watching a movie that we enjoy when some jackass won't shut up on his cell phone? It's A CELL PHONE! YOU CAN WALK AROUND WITH IT! GO AWAY!

How many meals are ruined by reckless salt shaking, inattentive service, and lousy conversation?

So if even our little grains of happiness are forfeit in this world, how can we be happy? Isn't entropy invading even our most private and innocent of indulgences?

For christ's sake, Where's the Silver Lining?

Cuz we still get enough to enjoy it.

I know, I know -- that sounds like such bullshit. Like when people say "Live For Today", or "Appreciate What You Got", or "Never Kiss a Hooker on the Mouth". And it's hard to appreciate something when SO MUCH of everything else is utter shite. It's hard to be satisfied with your health when you're alone in a sea full of couples. The idea of being sated by a cookie when you hate your job is aggravating and seemingly patronizing. A moment of absolute tranquility pales in comparison to a mounting debt that is slowly suffocating you.

But that's what it means to be a rebel. Heroes, Brave Fools, Revolutionaries, pretty much any one that You have ever admired in your life have become great by giving the finger to the status quo, to Fate, to God. They saw insurmountable odds, signs pointing them in the opposite direction, friends telling them to give up--but they never waivered. Join their ranks. "I'm not supposed to be happy with just this glass of wine? Fuck You. I will find happiness here." If we force ourselves to actively enjoy something, in the face of everything else trying to weigh us down, then we will enjoy it. You're not enjoying these moments of clarity and happiness for you, you're enjoying them as part of a movement. Actively enjoy that which gives you pleasure. If it's only one drag of a cigarette, one session of shameful masturbation, one phone call with an old friend, one episode of some shitty sitcom that you (privately) enjoy...lap it up. Hoard it. Sure, it's almost delusional to take that much pride in a sandwich when compared to thousands of dollars in debt or a job that crushes your soul--but a little dash of insanity doesn't really hurt.

It's not kicking your boss in the balls and screaming "I QUIT!" Or throwing a football into the President's groin. Or forcing Tom Cruise to just admit that Scientology is a sham. But it's a small step in taking back our lives. They've been co-opted by the bullshit pragmatism of this fucked up world for too long. And I'm sick of the cynicism that is prevalent in my waking hours and intruding into my dreams. My dreams should be leaking out into the world, they should be remaking my reality into what I wish it were, instead of turning my unconscious playground into a maze of cubicles.

That's why I'm going to make sure to wake up tomorrow morning, after a good's night sleep and say, "Guess what, World? I beat you again. I enjoyed that night of rest. Maybe I'll never sleep again, but those 5 hours were pretty friggin sweet. So tomorrow, feel free to bombard me with all sorts of accident prone preschoolers...cuz I won today, and there's not a God Damn Thing You Can Do About It."

Things That Make Me Happy 2: Eddie Lives!

While I know the first Eddie & the Cruisers exists, has anyone actually seen it? All I've ever seen are advertisements and a few scenes from the second one, Eddie & the Cruisers 2: Eddie Lives! I used to think that Eddie & the Cruisers 2 was so postmodern, cuz it was a sequel without an original, and think about that one. And it's not. So that distinction falls squarely on the able shoulders of Leonard, Part 6...and the world is a worse place for it (has anyone besides me and Bill Cosby's immediate family seen Leonard, Part 6? Holy Stromboli! That film reeks of failure for miles around). Anyways, if anyone's seen Eddie & the Cruisers, please let me know...cuz I think it's just a phantom movie; something the die hard fans of Eddie Lives! created to help with their online fan fiction.

Anyways, back to the list!


13) A Literate Mass Transit System

Now I'm new to the fair city of New York, and for the most part I've lived my life in the suburbs or else in an alcoholic coastal, so this constant commute by subway thang is fairly new to me. And while it sucks when the smelly guy decides to rub up against you, or you get accosted by someone spreading the word of Jesus at 8 in the morning, there is one very reassuring aspect about the NYC subways: Everyone is reading. From the free newspapers to comic books to paperback crap to classic entries in the canon, people are reading all the time on the subway. Is this a nerdy thing to be pleased about? Yes. But dammit, it does make my Grinch heart grow ten sizes too big. I think it's just the sight of people actually actively pursuing knowledge or entertainment in the printed word; especially in a time when our culture seems so aggressively illiterate. For christ's sake, we have a president who's PROUD of the fact that he doesn't read newspapers. I also think this may be the difference in the cultural divide in Los Angeles: Angelinos don't really have a mass transit system, instead they drive everywhere (for the most part). Now you just can't read while driving, people. Don't do it, it's stupid and you end up connecting sentences that don't belong together while cutting off four stoned teenagers that have no idea what's going on. "Books On Tape!" I hear you cry, while stuffing your face with those cheetos. While Books on Tape are a semi-literate venture, it doesn't really utilize the same muscles or part of your brain when you are listening to Patrick Ewing reading the latest Oprah Book Club selection. Anyways, keep it up, New York City! I Likes What I Sees.


14) Revisionaries

Go to this Site here: http://ps260.blogspot.com/. Watch some brilliant re-imaginings of trailers for some of your favorite movies. While the West Side Story trailer is well done, my favorite has got to be The Shining. Although I would've loved for them to have incorporated the twin girls, but hey -- they still made a superior product that shows how easy it is to manipulate something for marketing. Kudos on the use of "Solisbury Hill" by Peter Gabriel as well.


15) Seven Swans by Sufjan Stevens

Yes, everyone loves Sufjan Stevens. Yes, he's the Prince Midas of the Indie Music Kingdom. Sure, his concerts are kind of lame and fairly disappointing. And yes, my friend Drew had his fingers on this pulse long before I came into town. These are all true statements. But the fact of the matter is that Sufjan Stevens is pretty damn amazing; he writes musically complex songs with fairly simple lyrics that combine to create true and eerily powerful songs. He makes life, people, beliefs, things seem significant. He shows the Bible thumping Nazis how a Christian should act and sound. He's a romantic and the sense of importance and heartfelt convictions in love and faith use from the speakers when his music plays. Stevens's a brilliant man through and through. His humor, along with his humanism, are put on display in his most (in)famous state albums, with Illinoise definitely being one of his best album. And yet...I've been listening more and more to Seven Swans, the album recorded between Michigan and Illinoise, and I've been loving what I've been listening to. Seven Swans is his most haunting album; it works beautifully as the soundtrack to any journey, and seems to make all of the putrid ordinary aspects of life suddenly glimmer and shine a little. Stevens's work on Seven Swans, when blasting in my headphones along the gray sidewalks of an indifferent city, suddenly adds layers of profundity and pathos; maybe it's his sincere voice as he pleads to people he's loved and lost, or the the simple plucking of a banjo on the opening and closing songs. Maybe it's the combination of love for one another and love of a God, that mixture that inspired so many renaissance men before him. Either way, Seven Swans is a quieter, simpler album that seems to linger like spiritual vapor long after the playing time has run out.


16) The Whitest Kids You Know

You don't know them, but one day you just might. These guys are HIGH-larious. I went to high school with one of them (Sam...who's really good at hiding inside of bags), and now he's in the big city and making people laugh at Caroline's and the UCB Theatre as well as their weekly gig at Pianos Bar. Weird, irreverent, vulgar, semi-offensive, these five guys are pretty great at writing and performing their funny & memorable sketches as well as tight little videos which are pretty brilliant. They are also amazing at creating easily quotable lines from their skits, and the (sorta infamous) "Hitler Rap" isn't just funny, it's also catchy and really good. So please head on over to their site: http://whitestkids.com/. It's full of news on their upcoming shows as well as moichandise and video clips. They may not be perfect yet, but in a year or so, they will be refined, famous, and hilarious; and then you can act all pretentious and say that you knew about them BEFORE that whole Cocaine Bust Went Awry fiasco that happened in Arizona and left untold number of people dead. Bragging Rights!


17) Badminton

I actually haven't played this sport in a looooooooong time. But I love me some badminton. I like that it's actual more physical and requires more endurance than Tennis -- the average championship Badminton match lasts longer and involves more running than the average championship Tennis game. So suck on that, Williams Sisters! Also, I was watching an episode of the BBC comedy Peep Show (which is a pretty good and funny show, but also fairly depressing) and two coworkers retire after a day at the office and play Badminton, and they're in a club where everyone else is playing it too! The british are so weird. No wonder they think men in dresses are hilarious, nevermind that they constantly lose their colonies. Anyways, Badminton is fun cuz you get to say stuff like "Shuttlecock", and also try and aim a plastic dart into the eye of your opponent. Anyone interested in starting up a nationwide Badminton league? We can be like Extreme Dodgeball -- lame, convoluted, and ultimately full of uninteresting and unathletic people. WHO'S WITH ME?!?!?!?!?


18) Political Schadenfreude

For those not hip to the german lingo, Schadenfreude means the joy of someone else's pain. For example, know that time when Uncle Gordo got hit with that sock full of quarters in the nuts and you laughed until you peed yourself? That's Schadenfreude. Say it with me now: sha-den-froi-duh. There you go; I knew that you could. What I mean by Political Schadenfreude is the perverse joy I derive from watching the crash and burn of politicians, ideologies, and/or policies that I disagree with. It's not mature, it's not right, but damn if it don't tickle me all kinds of pink. Now I know that Rove isn't going to get into any real trouble -- that whole administration is like a Rich Good Looking Misogynist: oh they say and do horrible things, but he gets away with it cuz everyone wants to be with him, to be on the winning team. (Sidenote: Libby's fucked though. Sorry, buddy. Your best bet is to turn rat on everyone else, and then hope the Bush Administration doesn't suddenly name you as a threat to freedom) But still, the idea of watching him squirm in front of those lawyers, flop sweat breaking out on that Mole Man face of his while he's silently reassuring himself that he's in control...he's in control...and slowly but surely he begins to unravel until he goes completely crazy like Heather Graham in that scene from Boogie Nights where Roller Girl beats the shit out of that unsuspecting douchebag. And that pleases me. Or when I see Leahy & Specter decry Harriet Meier, trying to sensitively call Bush retarded and Harriet Meier embarassing. That pleases me. Or when I'm watching McCain go all sorts of Deer Hunter flashback on the generals in Iraq is simply awesome, reminding everyone how First Blood began. These signs of my ideological rivals strengthen my resolve and make me smile a sinister smile. I'm not proud of it, but it does feel great when the entire country slowly wakes up from its drunken night of "Freedom" and looks over at the ugly fat chick in our bed that is Bush in the White House. And in just one moment, an eerie chill runs through the collective conscious as everyone suddenly cries "I got to get the fuck outta here!" It's the little, petty things in life that matter.


19) Sausage & Peppers Pizza

This one's just a given. It's delicious and you love it. Also, on a delivery food tangent -- how come I can never order anything from a chinese restaurant besides General Tso's or Sesame Chicken and some fried dumplings? (My roommate also suffers from this affliction) Any time I dare flirt with danger and drift outside the realm of those entrees, I get smacked down by mediocre taste and sometimes a completely revolting revolution on my taste buds. So what's up with dat, i ask you? Fuckin' Chinese.


20) Blade Runner

You know how sometimes you listen to an album or a song over and over again, and that period of your life is kind of defined by that soundtrack. Well, for a while back there (probably June) I was watching Blade Runner a lot. I don't know why. It was on IFC a bunch, and then I own it on DVD, so I just ended up playing it and watching it over and over again. And nothing really gets any better than the Roy Batty/Deckard confrontation in Sebastian's building. "Wake Up--Time to Die!" It's so moody and pessimistic and dark and grimy...it's what good Sci-Fi is, essentially. Not that Sci-Fi has to be dark or grimy, but it has to feel like people really live in that world. The original Star Wars felt lived in, everything covered in dust and kinda shitty but still some shiny & new stuff (mainly the weapons and armor...metaphor? unlikely). Serenity feels like these people live that life on the outer rim with all their chinese cussin'. Hell, even Star Trek 2: The Wrath of Khan really conveyed the impression that Khan lived in a desert shit hole on Seti Alpha 5. Also, how fucking scary is Daryl Hannah in this movie? Granted she's not as fucked up and creepy as when she plays the (too convincing) drugged up stripper in Dancing at the Blue Iguana, but still...that Kabuki makeup at the end always kinds of freaks me out. The idea that this movie serves as an inspiration for Batman Begins shows how disparate the original can be from its descendants (once again, to recap -- BATMAN BEGINS SUCKS HARD).


And the number 21 thing that makes me happy?

21) COMMENTS

So fucking leave some already !!!!!!!!!!!!!

(people who already did are exempted and I kiss the ground you walk on, you magnificient bastards)

So there ya go!

Hit me back, playas.

Things That Make Me Happy (in my pants)

Seems straight forward enough, doesn't it?


1) The Colbert Report

Brilliant. Stephen Colbert brings the same glib absurdity that he displays in Strangers with Candy, Harvey Birdman, and his work on The Daily Show...only this time with a CGI eagle and a desk in the shape of a C (for "Colbert"). Suck on that, Beth Lilleford! Seriously, this show is pretty well done - although last night's episode (the third thus far) was a bit creaky, and Colbert fumbles with the words a bit too often. But overall, the show's amazing. It's like The Daily Show got in trouble on that work farm in Cool Hand Luke, then had to be pent up inside of the box for a few days in blazing sun, during which time it went complete crazy but still retained an interest in current events. It's literally just like that.


2) Serenity

Maybe this will bring a bunch of crazed nerdflock followers of all things Whedon to my blog. Or his orc like haters that despise the man and anything with his stank on it. As long as some sexually frustrated Battlestar Galactica enthusiasts comment on my blog and tell me how gay I am, I'll know I've made it. But seriously, Serenity is a great movie. Sure, without prior knowledge of the TV Show (Firefly) it would most likely just be a pretty good movie. But in an age where Teen Superman can't even fight off Pirate Ghosts and Al Pacino continues to be paid to scream at people, Pretty Good can be graded on the curve and be very very satisfying. Serenity is funny, witty, has characters you actually give two shits about and who have actual chemistry, a good shoot out, along with a wicked villain, snapping dialogue, and a real sense of danger about it. Don't believe me? Check out Ender's Game author (and seemingly ornery feller) Orson Scott Card's review of the film here. Or else check out The Onion AV Club's review of the flick here, for all my fellow posthipsters. It's a shame that the movie didn't do as well as hoped, and even more of a shame that us nerds are so quick to rip each other to shreds rather than unify in our unsociability. But I've seen the damn thing twice, and both times I laughed and walked out of the theater with a smile. Haven't done that since....White Chicks, probably. Cuz...hahahha...you see...hahaha...they're black guys PRETENDING to be white women--or chicks, if you will. GENIUS!


3) Making a Deposit at Work

This really pertains to my days when I was paid an hourly wage. Now, what I'm about to discuss is gross and shameful, and anyone that doesn't like bathroom subject matter should probably just scroll down. I mean, I don't know what you're doing here if you don't like some nice dick & fart jokes, but whatever.*** Did the pussy scroll down? What a lame ass. Anywhoski, one of my favorite things to do when getting paid an hourly wage is to take a dump on the clock. I'm not proud of it, and I know how puerile it is...but still. The fact that I can mathematically figure out how much I'm getting paid to take a crap really appeals to me. For example, let's say you are getting paid $8.25/hour. That equals roughly 14 cents a minute. Now, if you figure your average crap will take anywhere between 3-10 minutes (depending on what you've eaten and whether or not you're a Lactard), then that means you are getting paid 42 cents to $1.40 just to shit. There's something so wrong about that concept that it can't help but tickle my glee bone.
....
I know I ain't right.


4) Sia, "Breathe Me (Four Tet Remix)"

For those completely unfamiliar with this song, it was the song used in the last Six Feet Under (ding dong the witch is dead...seriously I hated that fucking show. Pretentious Crap is Dead, Long Live Pretentious Crap). I guess it was used when they showed everyone "being all old" as my friend Erin said. Personally, I find the original song fairly "Meh" with lyrics that sound as if they were cribbed from different Nine Inch Nails, Ani Difranco, and Death Cab for Cutie songs (re: whiny, hurt, and alienated). But the remix has a sweet little drum beat to it, and some nice string accompaniement which just makes it a better song and the lyrics less grating. Something good came from Six Feet Under, now if only Rome could boast the same. If you want to check out/download the song, hop on over to the archives of www.stereogum.com (by the way it's a great site full of funny lil indie news and some sweet MP3s) and just go to this page. If you can't download it that way, holla at your boy and I'll send it to you. I should point out that in that situation, I'm "your boy".


5) Raisin Bran Crunch

Is this the apex of breakfast cereals? The culmination of years of cereal research and technology that bears such delicious fruits? Or did god just cum into a box and decide to call it Raisin Bran Crunch? Does God's ejaculate have raisins in it? I don't know the answer to these questions, but alls I can tell you is that this cereal is da bomb, babeeee. Seriously, it's really good and with the one-two knockout combination of Raisins and Dairy, I think we all know where I'm gonna be for most of the day after eating a bowl full of this ambrosia. (Two poop jokes in one post? Oh, how the mighty have fallen...)


6) Comics 101 with Prof. Scott Tipton

Check it out here. Every week Scott Tipton reviews some aspect of Comics (be it an entire character, issue, writer, artist, title, etc) with an informative history lesson that works as an amazing overview of whatever it is he is talking about. When he likes something, his passion shines through and you end up thinking it's great and wanting to run back to your treehouse to drool over your old collection of The New Warriors. And he doesn't gloss over what makes things lame or even embarrassing (looking at you, Vibe, the breakdancing superhero from the 70s). Instead he shows off the obscure, dusts off the forgotten, shines a spotlight on the genius, and re-ignites several former fanboys' passion for the medium. He introduced me to Starro, the Giant Mind Taking Purple Starfish from beyond the stars (seriously, this is a villain that plagues the Justice League...what the fuck, guys?). Also, as a great added bonus, he replies to every email you send him with some more nuggets of brilliance, even though he probably receives hundreds of emails a week. Thanks, Scott Tipton, you do us Nerdflock proud.


7) Lost

It's a great show. Simple as that. I've been enjoying it and trying to spread the gospel of Lost (Lostpel?) since the beginning, but few would heed my call. And shame on all of you that only watched the season finale last season. You ruined the best hour of television since the last dream episode of The Sopranos. I'm talking about the episode "Walkabout" which has one of the greatest and most subtle reveals this side of M. Night Shyamalan. But now there exists a chance for redemption, you non-initiated readers. Everyone go rush out, pick up the DVDs, and watch the first season. Although all of the shocks and surprises will amount to diddly squat now that you've already seen some revelations. But still, it's a good show, and right now it's doing pretty great. They are really stoking all of the flames of paranoia and theories, whipping up quite a frenzy of interest and interconnectivity. Of course the eventual answer will be lame since we've all built it up as much as possible -- so just go along for the ride, enjoy all the freaky deeky island stuff now, and hope that Evangeline Lilly gives us fanboys a quick nipple slip. Plus Adebisi is back! Will he anally rape Jin in the jungle or just beat the shit out of Charlie? Are the two mutually exclusive? Only time will tell.


8) American Spirit (Lights)

Good cigarettes that burn for fuckin' ever. Delicious and have somewhat of a (regrettable) hipster image attached to them. But they are tasty, and outlast your average half-assed cigarette any day. I have very little brand loyalty, but I am particularly partial to these lil cancer sticks in the adorable yellow box. Thanks, American Indians! You guys are the best!


9) Positively Fifth Street by James McManus

Positively awesome! (Shudders...) This is a great account about a writer who finds himself in the World Series of Poker at the Horseshoe in Vegas. The book deals with the history of cards, the bloody beginnings of Vegas, literary explorations into the world of gambling, math, testosterone, psychology, and it also follows to the murder trial of the Prince Hal of Vegas (death by someone sitting on your chest is pretty bad...still beats that Molasses Flood of Boston, though). While it helps to enjoy the game of Poker, it is not a necessity. McManus writes at a quick pace that helps you feel his pounding pulse as he sits at the felt and hopes to win big, or when he's getting the most horrific lap dance ever conceived by man or God.


10) Internet Video for "Hold Me Now" By The Polyphonic Spree

I love me some puppets. They can be adorable (The Muppet Show), creepy (That marionette scene in Nightmare on Elm Street 3, Mr. Marbles from Kramer's apartment), or just weird (Meet the Feebles). In this video, they're just some kooky fun lovin moppets enjoying the feel good up with people vibe of a optimistic song by a cult. what's not to like? Check out that adorable mole and his freaking hyper excitable friends here.


11) "The Passenger" by Iggy Pop

Yes, I will admit up front that my renewed interest in Mr. Pop's song comes from the trailer for The Weather Man starring Nic "I'm assuming my son, Kal-El, will have a rough childhood" Cage. So hate on me if you will. But it's still a great song. Over the summer I got into "Search + Destroy" by The Stooges again thanks to The Life Aquatic. I guess my point is that Iggy Pop just keeps on popping up. Oh christ, I think I just made a pun. Okay, people: I'm sorry. Just remain calm, and we'll get through this. It's more afraid of us than we are of it. Just don't make eye contact and slowly creep away. Let's carefully move on to the next item on our list, shall we?


12) Halloween Programming

I love this time of year cuz it means time for horror movies to be on cable 24/7. And not just good ones! Oh no, they let loose the shitty dogs of war onto an unsuspecting populace (PS - if you see a movie called The Boogens on IFC, just run the fuck the other way. Essentially, I think someone just found an abandoned mine and wanted to make a movie using it...unfortunately a script wouldn't arrive until three months after photography wrapped). You can watch Jaws, Creature of the Black Lagoon, Prince of Darkness, and Bride of Frankenstein on the same day you also get Wishmaster 4, Leprechaun: Back 2 Da Hood, and Frankenfish. Mmmm...delicious. See, Horror movies, to me, are like Sex or Pizza...even when it's bad, it's pretty damn good (and if you go long enough without partaking in it, you go a little crazy and do things you regret...no offense, hunchbacked lady I hooked up with last night). So I revel in this time of the year cuz I get to just roll around in the filth of scary movies and cheesy gore fests.


I'm sure there's other things that are currently making me happy (that I'll confess to, at least). But for right now that's about it.

Please, someone, anyone, chime in with your thoughts on my happy places and tell me a few of your own.

Great. I'm begging for comments on my Blog. A new low.