The Power of Grayskull vs. The Secret of the Ooze

For those of you out there that know me, y'all know I like to play a game I like to call "Versus". What Versus entails is picking two unrelated (yet somehow similar) entities and having them engage in a physical match of strength, will, and daring. It's like VH1's "Best Week Ever" meets Thunderdome. For example, who would win in a fight between Ronald Macdonald and KFC's Colonel Sanders? Now while the obvious answer may be Colonel Sanders because of his military training plus his southern background which belies a certain ruthlessness, I'm gonna have to go with Ronald. He's a creepy clown that hangs out with children and oddly fantastical creatures all day. He presides over a company that is slowly enlarging our children, forcing them to fatten up and be unable to run away should danger (say, in the form of some sort of Cannibalistic Clown) ever approach them. Also, anything that can tame and befriend The Grimace deserves to be respected and should never be underestimated. But now onto the main bout:

He-Man vs. The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

(To clarify, I'm talking about the 1980s cartoon version of He-Man; the one that spawned wave after wave of action figures. Not the Dolph Lundgren or recent cartoon remake of the Master of the Universe...although I would like to see Dolph Lundgren's He-Man fight Drago, The Russian Giant from Rocky IV. Now THAT'S a fight. And the four turtles in question are the early nineties cartoon version, not the Henson created movie monstrosities or the new anime fetish version 3.0 on cartoon network, or even the rugged and ironic comic book versions.)

Just the main characters from two cheesy cartoons of my youth fighting it out...for, let's say, my love! Let's look at the facts:

Pros:

He-Man: This guy has a title: MASTER OF THE UNIVERSE. Maybe he's an egoist, maybe he's a bullshit artist. Either way, that's a damn impressive title. Way more impressive than that T-shirt I got for eating the entire Bellybuster Ice Cream Trough at Chadwick's (that was also the night I disovered I am lactose intolerant...much to my horror). He's powered by Mysticism. Sorcery. Black Magic. You don't fuck with that shit. You fire a missile at him, and guess what?, his magic is able to block that missile. Magic has a tendency to make up its own rules as it goes. But either way, He-Man is clearly strong, fast, and can wield a broad sword like a sonovabitch. He also faces off against all manner of mutated demons, that seem to be created out of both sorcery and science. He has a castle that he resides in, he's a Prince in his alter ego, and his cat is a BADASS TIGER that becomes an even BIGGER & MORE BADASS TIGER when they transform. Clearly, this dude's got it goin on.

TMNT: Four of them. Count 'em. Named after renaissance artists. I'll let MC Hammer do the introductions on this one, from his hit song (not sure about that, but it should've been a hit) "Turtle Power":
Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello
make up the team with one other fellow
Raphael
he's the leader of the group
Although, I believe in the cartoon (and even in the movie) that Leonardo was the leader of the group. Small discrepancy between me and The Hammer (please, Hammer, don't hurt me!).
The point is, there is four of them. That means that combined they can put out a lot of strength, speed and agility. They will tend to have the numbers on their sides. Not that that's necessary, since they are FRICKIN NINJAS!
Ninjas are badass. They're these iconic figures, mysterious and deadly, yet nimble and quick; they do the damage of a hurricane with all of the commotion of a gentle summer's breeze. Ninjas get cool weapons like swords, bo, sais, and nunchukus. That's pretty sweet. Each of these things can kickass in new and profoundly different ways. So being a ninja is pretty sweet...and if you don't believe me check out this site: http://www.realultimatepower.net/
So that's one fourth of their names. They're also Turtles. Turtles are cute little creatures, but also have a cool natural defense mechanism in the shell. And when they bite down on something, brother watch out, cuz that thing is gonna stay bitten! Also the turtle and its shell provide for a lot of puns, which is infinitely important in the realm of kids' cartoons, and apparently, also necessary for witty banter with whatever foe the heroes happen to be facing that day.
Last three points of strength for TMNT:
-They're young, which means that they've got a lot of energy and speed, and also endurance.
-They enjoy pizza which makes them really really cool to a fourth grade boy that also enjoys pizza (although will one day find out the pain that it causes his stomach and ass region).
-They inspired the two seminal rappers of the 90s to write songs for them. Of course I speak of MC Hammer's "Turtle Power" and Vanilla Ice's "Ninja Rap". How sweet is that? "go ninja go ninja go!"

And now the CONS:

TMNT - Yes they are young, which means they'll make mistakes. They haven't been in the game long enough to understand that sometimes you need patience, that sometimes might doesn't always make right, that sometimes dairy can become your enemy over night. Plus they don't have any real powers. I mean, their mutants, but not in the cool "blow shit up X-Men" way. Instead it's more like the "toxic spill/are they carcinogenic?" way. And they're mutated turtles no less. Not known for their speed or agility. Sure they're fast now, but in a few years, who knows? Maybe they'll lock up and never come out of their shell. Plus they live in the sewer. Who knows what type of diseases they pick up down there. I mean, with all of that fecal matter floating around, along with the "ooze" and other biohazardous material...the Turtles could really be hurting when it comes to rumble hour. And while they're training in ninjitsu gives them excellent powers of stealth, in a toe to toe match up against an opponent like He-Man, that would be unnecessary. Also, half of their weapons are made of wood. Wood + Enchanted Metal Sword = Bad News for Hoes.

HE-MAN: First off, he's got an alter ego. That means trouble. No alter ego, no conflict; just one persona that has to be dealt with. Two personas? Fuhgeddaboutit. What if Prince Adam's mom is abucted by the Turtles? If he had no relation to her, as He-Man he could just shoot the hostage (in this case stab the hostage) and take her out of the equation. But since it's his mom, it's gonna get a little complicated. Also He-Man's gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that, in theory; but in practice, and since he's still in the closet, it can be source of psychological warfare should the turtles be able to pick up on it--although, since they're teens and don't even seem to notice girls yet it's unlikely they will be curious or informed about the sexual orientation of otherworldly royalty. Plus, He-Man's enemies aren't the fiercest. Sure, they're these odd fantastical beasts that also seem bred out of alien technology, but they're also bumbling fools. TMNT's gotta face robots, ninjas, robot ninjas, some dude called Shredder, an evil Brain that lives in a badass robot, aliens from Dimension X, other mutants, and some things called Mousers. He-Man faces a bag of bones and a brute named "Beast Man". Honestly, "BEAST MAN"? Pretty lame, He-Man. Although Skeletor gets props as being the second best cartoon villain ever (after Cobra Commander). And lastly, He-Man didn't have any formal training in being He-Man. He just has a sword, and suddenly all of this power is given to him. The Turtles trained. They lived and breathed ninjitsu and know the sacrifices necessary to be where they are. They are determined. But how prepared are they?

My final call?

HE-MAN.

He truly is the master of the universe. Donatello and Michaelangelo would be taken out early due to their lack of metal instruments and He-Man's unstoppable Mystic Blade. With them out of the picture, that means the smart one and the cool one are out, respectively. That just leaves the leader and the sarcastic one (nee "the leader of the group"). This would create a 2 on 1 situation where the Turtles would have the chance to dominate. However, while Raphael would be busy making some flippant comment about He-Man's loin cloth, the Master of the Universe would slice through Raph's shell. This would be unheard of as nothing ever penetrates the shell, and yet this bicurious young prince made short work of it! The death of his three brothers enrages Leonardo, making him become emotional, and therefore lose all of his focus and skill; he would become intense, but sloppy. He-Man would take him down shortly and reclaim the prize as the biggest badass.

Tell me what you think would happen.
Or just call me retarded, but dammit, write something!

The Weakest Link Wore Orange

People like their idols to have flaws. They don't need to have double lives or fall so far from their perch upon the pedestal that we have created for them that they shatter upon impact; but they do need to have some form of weakness. Odysseus had his pride; Achilles, his heel; Superman, his kryptonite; President George W. Bush, non-monosyllabic words and forward thinking. Every hero needs to have some weakness, otherwise who cares? Superman isn't interesting until he has to overcome some adversity or another. A dramatic work won't compel an audience until there is conflict introduced--it's the darkest moments that really draw a crowd (another reason why Empire Strikes Back kicks as much nerd ass as it clearly does). However, usually these moments of despair are offset by a scene of triumph or an overflowing sense of victory. The weakness is quelled by the character's overpowering strengths. But what happens when that character doesn't have any apparent strengths? Especially when he's in such iconic company as Superman, Batman, and Wonder Woman?
Of course I'm talking about Aquaman. For the uninitiated, Aquaman is a character in DC comics; he's the Lord of Atlantis. Traditionally adorned in a bright orange shirt (that appears to be made out of scales? The fuck?) and green pants that offset his Aryan good looks of blonde hair and blue eyes, the Atlantean king was unfortunately saddled with rather lame powers. He is an excellent swimmer, and has above average strength, and his real selling point is that he can communicate, in his mind, with all marine life. (I was going to type fish, but since I've seen many depictions of him riding on whales I have to assume his abilities expand into the realm of aquatic mammals and beyond.) His Achilles Heel was that he could only be out of the water for one hour at a time before he became incredibly weak and would collapse. Aquaman is one of the founding members of the Justice League of America, sort of the All-Star Team of Superheroes in DC comics. But, and unfortunately for Aquaman, when you're surrounded by a man dubbed "the greatest detective in the world" (Batman), the fastest man in the world (The Flash), an Amazonian princess (Wonder Woman), and a guy so powerful he can turn back time itself (Superman), telepathically telling a carp not to go near those nets doesn't seem all that impressive.
Aquaman is often the butt of jokes; especially amongst nerdy Gen-X pontificators, The State, the people that run Adult Swim, and other witty hipster doofuses that like to postmodernly dissect pop culture and enjoy ruminating on Aquaman's ineffectualness on Challenge of the Superfriends (yes, I include myself in this bland but hilarious and comforting and sexually alluring bunch).
It's true: Aquaman didn't fit in. His flaw wasn't just his weakness, but his powers as well; it was the lack of any definition of the "super" in his job description as "superhero". He was an orange shirt clad joke, that looked pretty lame next to the combined powers of his teammates. But here's where DC could've turned Aquaman's minuses into plusses. Instead of having him try and compete in a place that is well out of his (no pun intended) league, make his battles the internal ones, not the ones against Darkseid or whatever rogues gallery that is thrown at the team. Aquaman had the chance to be the everyman; instead of being some regal figure from a decadent monarchy, make him sympathetic to the reader. Let him in on the joke of his powers, and show that he feels inferior but he also feels the need to prove himself. See? That makes him dangerous. The orange shirt is ridiculous, but whatever, that makes people dismiss him easily.
Instead of being the Potzie of the group, Aquaman could've been the Joe Pesci in Casino: people look at him and laugh, think this guy's a fucking joke, and then Aquaman/Pesci comes up and stabs the supervillain in the throat with a pencil while screaming "Did you call my friend a fag!?!" Now THAT'S an aquatic superhero that would truly inspire kids to dream and keep reaching for the stars.
If a team is only as strong as its weakest link, then the DC writers should've bulked up Aquaman. Not in the powers department, but in his characterization. Imagine the burnout in an orange shirt that constantly hates on Superman out of jealousy; or picture following the exploits of an underwater prince that has something to prove; the loose cannon that takes a lot of chances and doesn't ever apologize if it gets too hot in the kitchen. All of this and he could have a gang of shifty lookin dolphins follow him around. It's time the lesser appreciated people, the Larrys of the world's Three Stooges act, find a way to accentuate and define themselves better. Rise up and cast off your shackles of mediocrity and unintentional hilarity! You have nothing to lose but the few fanboys that pathetically idolize you!

It's Easy to Rip Off Deaf People Cuz They Can't Hear You Stealing Their Lines

Jerry Maguire.

Ah...now the title of this little post makes sense, doesn't it?

Now then...Jerry Maguire. I don't get it. Maybe I'm not of that age, that late twenties/early thirties mindset that would get this movie, that would speak to me and my generation about the ennui and passion that is in engaged in brutal spiritual warfare within our souls. Or maybe i'm not of the right mindset or social grouping or whatever. But I don't really like this movie. Don't get me wrong, it has its moments: Jay Mohr's in it as a prick, Drew Bledsoe has a quick cameo, Tom Cruise tries to find a radio song to wail to, and they gave some work to a semi-retarded little boy with a ginormous head and no future prospects of earning a wage outside of royalties from his work as a childhood actor. All good things.

But the seminal scene, the one everyone parodies and references, is that moment where Jerry (Cruise) comes home and tries to reclaim his passion and his marriage with Dorothy (Renee Zellweger). In front of a large group of womynyst manhaters that all mourn and bitch together, Jerry makes a poetic speech that melts even their Ice Queen hearts, wins back Dorothy, and saves the day, ensuring a slew of specifically fitted oversized hats for Mongo, The Child No One Wanted (Jonathan Lipnicki). Show me the money, young prince; show me the money indeed. Here's the speech:

"We live in a cynical world. A cynical world. And we work in a business of tough competitors. I love you. You... complete me."

Nice words. Sweet. But what I always hated is that these are lines are completely stolen from a deaf man early on in the film. I know I'm not pointing out anything that wasn't obvious, or intentional, or even anything remotely interesting. But I just hated that Dorothy fell for it when she was RIGHT THERE IN THE ELEVATOR when it happened. In fact she's responsible for giving those poetic lines to Jerry in the first place:

[Jerry and Dorothy are in the elevator and a hearing impaired couple gets on. The man of the couple starts talking with his hands, then they get off]
Jerry Maguire: I wonder what he just said.
Dorothy Boyd: My favorite aunt is hearing impaired. He just said "You complete me".

Now I'm not even gonna start on the whole "favorite aunt" thing; that's a whole separate column fueled with a completely different rage. It's just annoying that when Jerry needs to be at his most forthright and earnest and honest and passionate, and when the movie really needs to show the power of love (cue Huey Lewis) then why have him just rip off the deaf dude from before. and why have this girl fall for it? Shouldn't Jerry have to work harder to keep his love? Shouldn't Writer/Director Cameron Crowe have to work harder for an authentic moment for Jerry Maguire?

I know this isn't the most topical or timely of posts, but it's just one of those things that's plain wrong but everyone accepts it. Hell, it's even in that damn Bruce Springsteen song from the movie.

Actually, that's another plus from Jerry Maguire: it brings back the eighties trend of the song from the movie that gives the entire synopsis of the film. Those are the best. My particular favorite? "Turtle Power" by MC Hammer from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

"When you stand for what you believe in, and find the strength to do what's right -- that's Turtle Power."--MC Hammer

Well, this movie got me to quote Hammer's words of wisdom. How bad can it be, really? I'll let it slide this time.

Do Over Nation

All right. I've been away from doing this for a while. So i'm gonna write this now, and then another thing. And hopefully i'll keep writing. Not that there's many of you out there waiting in suspense for my next thrilling chapter...but i guess it's good to put it out there.

Working at my current job (a crappy coffeejockey tenth ring of hell position in a chain of stores that rhymes with Morder's), I'm subjected to all sorts of different people and interactions. Some good, some bad, some reprehensible, some completely forgettable. I think that sums up all of life, really. But this one stuck in my craw, and I didn't even know I had a craw! But sure enough this nugget of irksome dug itself a lil home in my previously ignored craw.

A group of four middle aged women come up to my craphole counter, all looking and talking exactly alike. They all have that really short almost a bob curly hair you see amongst middle school teachers. The hairstyle that pointedly asks "Lesbian?" in a curious fashion. They were also all adorned with cutesy knit sweaters with sailboats and little greetings sown onto them. In other words: seemingly harmless. But if there's one thing the Cold War taught me, it's that never step in a boxing ring with a man called "Drago". The other thing it taught me is that Never Trust Anything That Appears To Be Harmless.

They saw we had a chocolate flavored coffee. "Oooooo," they squealed in a collective mindthought of simple delight. "That sounds interesting. Let's try that. We'll have that."

Note the use of the word "TRY". Meaning: They Had Never Had It Before. So I pour them out four cups of this chocolate blend and serve it to them. They retire to a small sitting area to talk about the current primetime programming on CBS or the new book about finding love amidst solving a mystery or whatever it is that they talk about. Then two of them approach me while carrying all four cups.

"Yes? What can I do for you?" I asked befuddled and slightly alarmed that only the two Alpha Females approached. Danger could be imminent. I immediately began planning my escape route/defense plan if these two ladies got physical. I'll throw the biscotti at them and head for the fire exit...

"We don't like this at all. I wouldn't recommend it to anyone it's horrible," said the blonde leader, whilst she and her similarly themed and dressed cohort placed the cups back upon the counter with a defiant anger they learned from watching Fried Green Tomatoes. This was clearly the leader...she's the one I would need to speak with directly.

"oh, I'm sorry--"

"We'd like something else." They then proceeded to ask for a drink that was more expensive than the ones they had previously ordered and I gave it to them while professing my apologies.

Now the problem isn't the money thing, cuz honestly, if you want to rip off a large corporate appendage like the store I work for, and you can do it with aplomb and originality, I say, "Bravo. Go For it."

What bothered me was the pretenses for their initial purchase: It's the fact that they wanted to try something, and when they did try it and then didn't like it, they wanted something in exchange.

When you try something you're gambling. Maybe you'll like it, maybe you'll hate it. Maybe this new something is what completes you, or defines you, or is that one thing you've always wanted but never knew how to describe. Or maybe it'll give you the shits for an entire weekend (thank you very much, Pakistani cuisine). It's a flip of a coin. You kind of have an impression of what you are going to experience, but that impression can easily be proven false.

FOR EXAMPLE: When I went skydiving for the first (and thus far, only) time, I thought it would be liberating and fun; the wind ripping in my face and all of that flying like a bird bullshit Patrick Swayze talks about in Point Break. And it was. But what I had no idea to expect is that the most lasting part of that memory is the intense testicular pain I would feel when the chute opened and my harness flew up before my balls did, creating a sensation not found outside of certain Underground German Fetish Clubs. I tried something and found it both exciting (as expected) and disturbing (as completely and terrifyingly unexpected).

Back to the sitination at hand...

So the point is that they had never tried this particular drink before. They were trying it. It failed to meet their expections. They got tails instead of heads, and they didn't like it. But should they be rewarded for not liking something? I know this question is moot because I already gave them their drinks and so I guess in a way I did reward them. But let's say this was a "Choose Your Own Adventure" situation (albeit a very boring and sad one):
--Should you say "you win some, you lose some" shrug and feel the wrathful stares of four dykey women? TURN TO PAGE 86
--Or do you just give them some drinks and think, "It's not fair that they didn't like what they got. I hope they enjoy this instead"? TURN TO PAGE 17

They can express disappointment, and I shall duly note it, and then they can order four replacement drinks, pay for them, and enjoy those. But it's not a do-over. They don't get that. People don't like the idea of walking away empty handed from something. A line out of some after school special or motivational pamphlet is "When you lose, don't lose the lesson." Well most people are saying, "Fuck That". Fuck the lesson. I want me some free Chai Tea. They want to go back and erase any sign of making mistakes. Instead they only want to be seen proven right, unless the bad choice happens to be comical enough for some anecdote over an "Awesome Blossom" at their nearest Bennigan's.

Look at George Lucas. (Suddenly a bunch of Internet nerds' ears begin ringing at the mentioning of the once great Emperor of Nerdom) Look at what he's done to his movies: Altering them with new F/X, scenes, lines, and even characters for seemingly no reasons other than they make his shit look cooler. At least, in his eyes. Can't have Han Solo seemingly kill a man in cold blood. Greedo shot first, therefore Han was acting as a good guy. People don't want to be seen in a light other than what they cast about themselves.

After that quick sojourn into Dorksville, the point remains: We live in a Do-Over Nation. People don't want to walk away from a bad experience content with a new guideline for their lives. They want something to show for it...in their hands. They want that extra fifteen minutes of fame, or adoration, or money, or even a free drink.

I know I've blown up a situation, but I'll be damned if I'm gonna let these crybaby terrorists win. Not on my watch. Or, in this case, shift.