Potent Potables

Some odds n ends:

• Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang = Happy Happy, Joy Joy This movie was great. It's hilarious, it's fun, it's interesting, it's everywhere you wanna be. Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang seems to be about Hollywood and the cannibal holocaust that exists out there as much as it is about the plot. It's great to see Shane Black come back; not only do I love Last Boy Scout, but muthafuckah was involved in The Monster Squad. Recognize! (Furthermore Last Action Hero is a guilty pleasure of mine. "He killed Mozart!" Although I never saw The Long Kiss Goodnight - was that any good? Anyone? Herro?) Seriously, if you want to go see a fun movie that is slickly produced and written tongue firmly in cheek while delivering some sick laughs, then this is how to spend your night. Also, from the guy who has made so many action movies, the violence and action in this film seems so deliberate and real. When Downey has to act, he doesn't seem filled up with the Mel Gibson/Bruce Willis bloodlust; they are regrettable but necessary actions that have to occur. Also, as found in this article at CHUD.com, I wholeheartedly agree that this will be the next Big Lebowski. Which isn't to say it'll achieve the endless quotations or even the Lebowski-fest, because no experience (filmic or otherwise) can ever occur twice. But still - the ingredients are there to make this a great cult film that everyone will love and drift back to. Check it out, y'all!
• Escape from New York vs. Escape from LA How come most of the people I speak to who have lived in LA describe it as the worst place on earth? I'm talking about an overwhelming majority of people hate that city they spend a lot of time in with a passion. Everyone tells me - "Everything you've ever heard about L.A. is true. It's superficial, it's shallow, it's dirty, it's Hell, etc." But most of the people of the people I speak with who have lived in NYC always recall their times in that city with such wonder, and say they had a blast while they lived here. It's odd, that the two cities that are often paired with each other (due to their liberal leanings, being centers for various Artistic endeavors, melting pot population, and their cultural significance) seem to provoke such disparate reactions. I blame the climate.
• Did Wolverine Just Blow My Mind? Check out this trailer for The Fountain, which is Darren Aronofsky's next movie. It should be due out sometime in 2006. Aronofsky will also be directing an episode of Lost this season. Look for the episode with a billion flash cuts while Hurley tries to crack the significance of the numbers and Sun & Kate perform anal rape on each other. ANYWAYS, this movie looks pretty cool. It makes me wonder what the hell is going on, and how this man's quest for immortality will be portrayed. Also, maybe it'll be the one Aronofsky movie that doesn't make me want to slit my wrists. Probably not. But maybe.
• Pissbags! Here's a quick lil video of Bush & Blair edited into swearing. My favorite part is the "reactions" the two have to each other. Especially the huffing and puffing Blair does at the end.
• You Like Music? If so, check out www.stereogum.com . It always has some cool free MP3s, some fun music news, and usually details on upcoming indie acts. Also, it's where I got my copy of that song featuring the crazy God Warrior from Trading Spouses. Check it out here.
• Once More Into the Breach, Dear Friends... South Park has been on a downward slip for a while. I mean, it's not as bad The Simpsons, but still...it hasn't been great for about a season or so (although there are still some AMAZING moments mixed in there). But last night, with their Scientology episode, they redeemed themselves if only for one episode. Just like every other cable channel, Comedy Central is all about the repeating rotation of episodes of their hit shows - so watch out for it. It was great to see South Park finally point out and mock Scientology. And in a weird way, I hope L-Ron's goons sue Trey & Matt - cuz nothing would be better than these two on trial. You thought Sacco-Venzetti was a laugh riot? Check out Parker & Stone in Out of Order, the comedy that can't be Dismissed. In Theatres Everywhere in Spring 2006. Although, I'm curious what this will do for their relationship with Scientologist Isaac Hayes (the voice of Chef). Either way, it's time we take these crazy soulless lecherers out. If only because they gave us Battlefield Earth. You're the ratbrain, man-animal!
• So I Can't Eat Your Peanut Butter, but I Can GangBang You? Check out this odd lil craigslisting involving a realworld castmate. Most people are assuming it's Trishelle, right? I mean, that's what the smart money has to be on. Not me, though - I think Julie the Mormon has finally flipped her lid.
• When A Stranger Calls - To Everyone in the World: If you call the wrong number, YOU'RE the asshole. Not the guy who picks up the right phone. You are. You're an asshole for getting numbers wrong. Since my position requires me to answer phones for a majority of the day, that means I encounter a fair number of wrong numbers. People get so pissed off. It seems like those are the two reactions: embarrassment or anger. Either they meekly fade away and abruptly hang up, or else they demand answers. As if it's an elaborate prank and I'm laughing my ass off cuz you're oblivious. Or that somehow, I'm SO incompetent, I'm just THAT retarded that I screw up answering the phone so badly, I don't even know what number it is. Well guess what? You're the fuckhead. Apologize and get the fuck off the line. I don't like people playing on my phone!
• AND ANOTHER THING! Since I've built up a meager head of steam: Fuck You, Fox! Fuck you in the ear, you piece of shit network! What sense does it make to cut Arrested Development back from 22 to 13 episodes? If you're going to cancel it, why not just let them finish out the whole season so they can go out on their own terms and in a blaze of glory? And if you're going to just bring it back, this short season shit isn't going to win any new fans since they won't even be able to see it. All you're doing is pissing off people who've been loyal fans, even while you cut down on episodes, move it around the schedule, and pre-empt it for all sorts of different bullshit reasons. Why piss on these people? We're on YOUR side, Fox; and this is how you do it? I hope HBO or NBC take this show and make the next season all about a petty Australian with no soul and a tiny penis and his global corporation that is ruining everything. You have the Fox News Network, you distributed the Star Wars prequels, you make Stacked, and now you've cancelled Arrested Development. That's one too many strikes, Fox. So it's official: you're off my christmas card list. (If you want to see a great rant to similar effect, check out David Cross's tirade on the Arrested Development Season 2 blooper reel).
• Welcome to the Nipple, Bitch! Ah, this will calm me down. I don't know how this got onto national TV, but if it's true - if i'm looking at it right (and I'd like to think that I am) - then that's definitely Mischa Barton popping out of her top.
• Don't Care How, I WANT IT NOW! There's a bunch of movies that desperately need to come to DVD. Here's a small sampling of some that I really want to see: Night of the Creeps, The Monster Squad, The Maxx: The Complete Series, Phantasm II (although I believe that is coming, and in a pretty nifty lil box set), Howard the Duck, and pretty much a whole bunch of other obscure sci-fi/horror movies. Glayven.

Not much else to report. Anyone got some good gossip for me? How about some horse tranquilizers? Mmm? Anyone?

Picaresque

Hey Y'all!

It's Picture Time!

I'll be posting some words in a lil bit. But for now, enjoy these pics:
1)Thomas Hayden Church as Sandman in Spiderman 3
2) 2 new posters for V for Vendetta
3) Some rotoscoped pics of Keanu and friends from A Scanner Darkly
4) Four images from Guillermo Del Toro's newest movie, Pan's Labyrinth, which is the third in his Children's Trilogy of Grim Fairy Tales (Cronos & The Devil's Backbone are the other two). Me Gusta Guillermo!











Do YOU have any pictures you wanna share?

What the Hell?? Two Posts in One Day?

Oh yes, true believers, it's a second post. Since I'm at home on Veterans' Day (thanks, Veterans, for the day off. Oh and for the whole fighting/dying for my freedom, that was pretty sweet, too), I've got some time to actually do some shtuff on mah blog. And I thought - let's put up some funny pictures for the folks at work!

Thanks to The Duchess, I have stumbled upon this site:http://www.churchsigngenerator.com/ It's a fun lil site, and also a great way to waste some time. Here's the ones I have come up with. For all those out there - hit up that site, and then email me the ones you've created and I'll put 'em up.

On with the signage!

Two Men Enter, One Man Leave...or in some cases, it's The Grimace

1) Adam Sandler vs. Jimmy Fallon

Most people chose Sandler, and I've got to agree. Not only is Sandler wiser, older, funnier, and bigger - but he's also well versed in physical comedies and sports movies. Plus you know the whole "Fallon ripping off Sandler completely but not as funny" thing has got to be buggin Sandler.

2) Mal (Nathan Fillion from Serenity/Firefly) vs. Han Solo (you know who he is)

The dark horse Mal came away with most of the votes, and he gets mine as well. Sure they're both rogueish and reluctant heroes who commandeer decrepit but dependable ships and associate with large mongoloids (Chewbacca, Adam Baldwin). But in the end, Mal fought in a war, lead troops into battles, and seems to handle himself quite well in fistfights. Han can't even correctly shoot Greedo first.

3) The Grimace vs SnuffleUpAGus (from Sesame St)

Say it with me now: Nothing can Kill the Grimace. Although I still think Snuffles is Big Bird's drug induced hallucination. And if Grimace sees him, too, that means Grimace is on the junk and therefore weaker. Imagine The Grimace on some sort of opiate fueled rage. Bits and pieces of the Fry Guys everywhere.

4) Demi Moore in Ghost vs. Jennifer Love Hewitt in Ghost Whisperer

Demi Moore was weak in Ghost, and she needed PATRICK SWAYZE and WHOOPIE GOLDBERG to protect her; and she was shacking up with Tony Goldwyn. These are all strikes against her, while JLH apparently solves mysteries...or some shit....on her show. Does anyone even watch that show? Plus JLH knows what it's like to be in hell -- she was a part of Kids, Inc.

5) Mike Meyers (the actor not the Slasher) vs. Kanye West

I agree with Drewseph that this would be a lot closer than most people think. Firstly, Mike Meyers is Canadian - the silent killers. He's well versed in drunken brawls and hockey, which might come in handy. Secondly, you know how much rage he's got in himself that he can only do three voices? Poorly, I might add. Thirdly, Kanye West had his jaw wired for like 3 months or something. Meyers would exploit that. In the end, I still gotta go with Kanye, but I think there'd be a good outside chance of Meyers redeeming himself for Goldmember.

6) Smurfs vs. Snorks

Smurfs. While the Smurfs have Papa Smurf to guide them, I detect a real vacuum in the leadership position of the Snorks. Plus they seem more interested in dancing and having fun rather than stockpiling weapons of mass destruction like the evil evil Smurfs. I'm not saying the Smurfs are connected to Al Qaeda...but think about it.

7) Mark Wahlberg vs. Paul Walker

Wahlberg. Even sans Funky Bunch, Marky Mark would make Walker his bitch. Walker can't even hold his own ACTING alongside Vin Diesel, how's he gonna compete physically against the Good Vibrations (feel it, feel it) that Wahlberg possesses?

8) Martha Stewart vs. Oprah

Stewart. Oprah's crazy and all powerful, but I bet that Martha, being the dedicate craftmaker, learned some tricks in jail (turn a tampon into a shiv using only your teeth, etc.). Also, Stewart probably hates black people, so a lil racist fuel tends to fan the flames.

9) Tara Reid vs. Anna Nicole Smith

Anna Nicole. Yes, Reid is younger and drunker. But Smith is from Texas, and has had a rough life of getting the crap kicked out of her and doing a bunch of pills. Trim Spa is basically speed, right? She'd move so fast, she'd be invisible! Meanwhile, an intoxicated Tara would just start crying in the corner about her failed career while slowly pissing herself.

10) Wolverine vs. Beatrix Kiddo (aka The Bride in Kill Bill)

Wolverine. Although Logan was a samurai in japan for a while, so it'd be cool to see them have a swordfight. Glayven.

11) Patrick Swayze vs. All of the kids in You Got Served

If it was Swayze in Roadhouse, no contest. But these kids have heart (as Camps stated), plus they are willing to serve anybody. I mean, they're not scared to serve you. That's pure balls people. You can't teach that.

12) Quint (From Jaws) vs. Steve Zissou (from The Life Aquatic)

Quint. I'm surprised how many people went with Zissou (quite a bit, actually). Firstly, it's a drunk versus a pothead. Going back to my college days - drunks always win. Secondly, Quint was in the navy. the mutherfuckin navy, y'all! He helped deliver the Hiroshima bomb! And his main diet consists of crackers and brandy. Zissou, while a wily and sneaky bastard, just cannot hope to stand up to such a salty, grizzled man.

13) King Kong vs. A Team of Raptors from Jurassic Park

Kong. While the Raptors are smart and excellent at assuming odd jobs under the name Mr. Pilkington, Kong is a big ape with a large hard on for a white chick. He fought a T-Rex and won, and if memory serves, the T-Rex beat the Raptors. So there ya go.

14) Locke (from Lost) vs. Col. Kurz (from Apocalypse Now!)

Kurz. He was an assassin for the government. Locke works at a box company. Kurz cut Chef's head off, remember people? Although Kurz did seem to have a death wish, but still - if he didn't think Locke was worthy, he'd probably just sodomized his brain or something, all while Locke babbled on and on about "destiny".

15) Vin Diesel vs. The Rock vs. 50 Cent

The Rock. Vin was a bouncer and 50 Cent was a gangbanger - but both have gone soft. The Pacifier, anyone? And 50 Cent would just talk about how he had been shot before when Rock would break in him in twain.

16) Jessica Alba vs. Jessica Simpson vs. Jessica Biel

Biel. I know, I'm as surprised as you. Alba's very skinny and a dancer. Simpson, while possessing the angry strength of an enraged retard, is simply unfocused and prissy. Biel trained for Blade: Trinity, went toe to toe with Leatherface, and took a punch from Dawson in Rules of Attraction.

17) Dave Chapelle vs. Martin Lawrence

Crazy Meltdown Car Crash vs. Crazier Meltdown Car Crash! My money is on Lawrence. He has more girth, more strength, and went publicly crazy, not just ran away to South Africa. Sure, Chapelle handled his breakdown with class, but if you want it handled RIGHT (as in waving a gun around in traffic) - look no further than Martin Lawrence.

18) Larry David vs. Bill Lumberg (Office Space)

This would be one of the worst fights of all time. Firstly, they would be in a ring with each other, talking for, like, 3 hours. And I mean, boring idle chit chat about foot care and snacks. Then David would get offended/say something offensive while Lumberg just nodded. Ultimately I gotta go with David, cuz he seems capable of action - but it would still be a shitty, shitty fight.

19) Panther vs. Cheetah

Panther. Hands down. NEXT!

20) David Blaine vs. Johnny Knoxville

I gotta go with Knoxville. Now, both men have shown their bodies can take some serious punishment, and Blaine has to be in good shape and command of his body to perform most of his tricks and stunts. But I feel like Knoxville's been in fights, while Blaine would use a magic trick to try and diffuse the situation and make people pity him. (SIDENOTE - I once met David Blaine's brother at a party in NYC, and he was doin this trick for my friend and i called him out on it, cuz he did a horrible job misdirecting. That dude got PISSED. He gave me the stinkeye the rest of the night. How do I feel about the whole thing? If you're gonna do magic, don't fuck it up. Not when I'm around. I don't fuck around when it comes to illusions.)

21)Ashlee Simpson vs. Avril Levigne

Avril would be the one talking up the most trash. Acting like she's very excited to finally beat up pop princess Ashlee Simpson. But as soon as they got in the ring, Ashlee would realize what it takes to be a star and to survive and would rip the Canadian apart. Also Avril would weep and crumble like the little bitch she is. Then Ashlee would dance a jig on Levigne's carcass.

22) She-Ra vs. Xena

Princess of Power vs. Warrior Princess, eh? I think Xena would be distracted by her lusting for She-Ra, and that would provide just enough of an opening for the Princess of Power to win. She-Ra.

23) Desperate Housewives vs. crew from Sex & the City

I hate both shows. But I think Nicolette Sheridan and Teri Hatcher would do anything to stay in the public's eye, while the Sex & the City bitches always seemed very complacent and WASPy. I would pay to see someone break Carrie's ginormous nose, though.

24) Conan O'Brien vs. Craig Kilborn

Kilbie. Yes, he's the inferior person and host. But he is more athletic (although I think conan's reach is longer). Also, Conan's giant head creates an excellent target - not to mention how easy it would be to "hit the button" behind his jaw (as Joe Rogan on UFC would say).

25) Star Wars fan vs. Trekkie

Drew put it best: "wow, this is probly the toughest one. i think i go with star wars. it appeals to more people, whereas star trek is more cultish (read nerdish) so i think the chances are greater theres a few tough guys who like star wars." True dat. But right after his spirit swelling victory, the Star Wars fan would then be kicked in the balls by George Lucas who delights in hurting the very people who support him.

26) Zach Braff vs. Cillian Murphy (28 Days Later, Batman Begins, etc)

Murphy. Admittedly this is an off kilter fight. I wanted to pair Braff up with someone, following his episode of Punk'd where he almost killed a 9 year old. But Cillian seems fairly badass. However, how about this fight -- Jon Heder (Napoleon Dynamite) vs. Zach Braff? Eh? You like?

27)The Golden Girls vs. The Designing Women (original cast)

Bea Arthur is like a real life Grimace, i.e. UNSTOPPABLE. Sure Delta would rip through Betty White and Rue Mclanahan like kleenex at a snot party. But, alzheimer's ridden Estelle Getty would suddenly recall her training from Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot! and make Annie Pots eat shit. With the stage set for a battle royale betwixt he-she Bea Arthur and 9th Wonder of the World Delta Burke, I gotta go with the unstoppable hermaphrodite. And then Bea celebrates with a slice of cheesecake and a small korean boy named Dong.

28) California Dreams vs. the band the kids were in on Saved By the Bell

Zack Attack from Saved by the Bell. While I think it would come down to Slater cleaning house - the real fight to watch would be Weasel Wiesel versus Samuel "Screech" Powers.

29) Hayden Christensen vs. Elijah Wood

I hate Hayden Christensen. Yes, he was good in Shattered Glass, but that was just him playing an evasive snake in the grass bitch. But he probably received some training in the Star Wars abominations. Meanwhile, Wood has been getting physical in Sin City & Green Street Hooligans (man, that movie came and went like a fart in the wind, eh?). Fuck it, I'm going with Wood. With the throng of Lord of the Rings people at his back, and Sean Astin in his corner, Elijah would destroy the wooden pretty boy.

30) Underdog vs Mighty Mouse

Mighty Mouse. Hopped on cocaine rodent versus a rhyming pill popper/shoeshine? Gotta go with the mouse.

Revenge of the Bitch

"I have learned that I really cannot be destroyed."

That's a quote from Martha Stewart in the November 14th issue of Fortune magazine. I found the quotes in this news bit here, which mainly details how Trump and Martha don't really like each other. But back to that initial quote: How creepy is that line? It's not like she said "I've been given a new lease on life" or "I will bounce back stronger", both of which are pleasant and upbeat ways of talking about coming back from a scandal and prison time.

In fact, this quote seems less like a positive look to the future and more like an ominous threat portending the end of times. It reminds me of that crazy speech Bill Murray's character makes at the end of Kingpin -- "Finally, Big Ern is above the law!"

In the article, she also talks about her plans to buy K-Mart when that chain declared bankrupt. She would've called it KMartha (kinda clever...right?). What I really like about this is the image of K-Martha versus that behemoth of mediocre merchandise -- WalMart. WalMart vs. KMartha, and all I can picture is some Japanese Kaiju Man-In-Suit action over a small model city. WalMart is a blob-like creature, with tentacles and eyes growing out of all the wrong places, all wrapped up in that blue vest they place on all of their prisoners/employees. WalMart's mode of attack is to subdue and consume all of its enemies, while K-Martha merely wishes to dominate and rule over her subjects with an iron rolling pin.

Here's the scenario: Released by evil Corporate executives to increase their profit share, WalMart soon gets out of control and begins to grow exponentially. The disgusting creature continues to run amok, absorbing all small Mom & Pop stores while enslaving many asian and mexican children. The government is getting desperate and afraid, but since it's a laissez faire economy, there's nothing they can do about it. Then they turn to their good friend Donald Trump who promises them the biggest and baddest monster ever seen in the world. "She's 'uge," he tells the Cabinet who all nod as if they actually believe what he's trying to sell.

Then Trump, using a lovely pumpkin chutney sprinkled over warmed apple cobbler, summons K-Martha to challenge and destroy Wal Mart. Fighting ensues, with K-Martha using both her cold WASPy exclusionary tactics along with her prison style knife moves, and the WalMart ends up being defeated when it is sealed in a lovely plaster container that KMartha has made using flaxen, newspaper clippings, and the blood of the innocent. KMartha returns back into the mysterious and untamed land of Suburban Connecticut, where she waits in frigid hibernation until her people need her again....

Meanwhile, the Battle Royale is still engaging below. Continue to place your bets and predictions as to who will win each of the fights, and eventually I'll comment. The more people that weigh in, the better it'll be when I release the final tally of decisions.