The Neurotic Monkey's Guide to Survival

"These STILL aren't my pants!"

Monday, December 25, 2006

Happy Birthday, Jesus! Hope You Like Crap!

To commemorate this specialest of days, I present the oft neglected, even more ofter denied, gem from the 70s:

The Star Wars Holiday Special!

This is only about 45 Minutes of the 2 hour show. But don't worry, it'll feel like 2 hours! It also includes the first appearance of Boba Fett (in cartoon form!), Bea Arthur singing, and Chewbacca's family! Yikes...just yikes...

Enjoy, and have a happy happy happy kwanzaa (does that "holiday" even exist for any reason outside of sarcastic holiday greetings?)












Sunday, December 24, 2006

12 Days of Xmas - The End of The Beginning of the End. So, that's like, what? The middle? Yeah, OK - 12 Days of Xmas, Pt 12 - The Middle of the End

Well, it's the eve of Christmas.

Santa is stocking his sleigh with toys and No Doze.

Communists are turning a blind eye to the ghastly lit festive decorations festooning their once proud Kremlin.

And somewhere, a Young Albino Lad gets his greatest wish and becomes a real boy.

But most importantly, it's the end of the 12 Days of Christmas. And what better way to end it all than to end it with a bunch of stuff from the greatest defender of Christmas since the infallible duo of Schwarzenegger & Sinbad in Jingle All The Way? Yes, I'm talking about the Yule Tide Titan of Truthiness - Stephen Colbert. Enjoy some various clips of our Beloved Colbert below, and have a great christmas eve!

(Oh, and if your father should be buried underneath a decrepit building that has collapsed upon him, be sure to sing carols to lure him away from the icy hands of a cold and unforgiving death. Anyone know what I'm talking about? Anyone?)

First Up is the Green Screen Challenge Montage:

Next is a Green Screen Challenge Bit that didn't make it to the air - it involves Stephen Colbert & Signs:

Thirdly is a great segment of Colbert & Carell from when they were on the Daily Show. And yes, Carell actually did get drunk and later vomited in Colbert's car. Still so brilliant:




Ah hell...here's the best of for Even Stevphen:


And lastly - Colbert doing what he does best -- Gettin Funky:

Saturday, December 23, 2006

12 Days of Christmas Part Elevensies - But What About Second Breakfast?

Huzzah! That is officially my nerdiest title of a post ever! Woo!

I want thank my family, my agent, all the people at Skywalker Ranch, and of course the big man - Jesus - most of all. We did it, Jesus!

Anywhoski, while the day draws nigh, here's another morsel to enjoy whilst celebrating the annual observation of the time you cried because you didn't get the Nintendo Power Glove ("It's so bad!")

This time it's an old and great cartoon by the genius that is Don Hertzfeldt called Rejected.

Enjoy!






My SPOON is too BIG!

Friday, December 22, 2006

12 Days of Christmas Part X - Enter the Giant Moose!

Justin Timberlake (or JT as he likes to be referred to on the restraining order he put against me and Ashton Kutcher) usually has at least one good skit whenever he's on SNL. And this time is no exception. Although I think Saturday Night Live is offensively unfunny now - even despite losing the fat albatross of Horatio Sanz from around their neck - this little short made me laugh. And yes, this is the third "Digital Short" to become a viral video (After the the Epic - and eventually annoying - "Lazy Sunday" and then the "Natalie Portman Raps"). Although I don't think Andy Samberg is that funny over all, these shorts do occasionally highlight some sense of bein semi-witty. I still feel like the guy may be the walking equivalent of the Be Sharps - funny the first time, but each successful time it just makes you angrier and angrier. ANNNNNNNNYWHOSKI, with this bitch of a prologue out of the way, I give you the Holiday Themed SNL Digital Short with Andy Samberg, JT, Maya Rudolph, and some chick who may or may not be affiliated with Days of Our Lives.

Enjoy!



Thursday, December 21, 2006

Frisky Dingo Thursdays - Ep. IV

Here's your newest weekly dose of Frisky Dingo deliciousness. I may start bumping up how often I post these shows. There are about 12 episodes in total (only 10 have aired, thus far), and I'd rather it didn't take 3 months to dole them out. Thoughts? Holla?

I kind of love Watley/Dread Lobster. But it'll always be Killface & Simon that keeps me coming back. Oh, mumbly quasi-British child character with talons! Cliched, I know, but somehow they make it fresh.

Here's an old article about the making of Frisky Dingo before the show came out. Clearly this show went through a TON of changes, or else they have a lot in store for the second season. But I obviously love the idea of George Lucas gorging himself on cheese. Brilliant!

Without further ado, I present Adult Swim's brilliant Frisky Dingo: Episode 4 "XPO"

Part 1





Part 2


Holy Shit! - Christmas Miracles Really DO Happen!

Omigod!

This bit of news had me light up like Marsha Brady when Davey Jones came to her prom!

Brian K. Vaughan is joining the writing staff of Lost!

This is like the time I got peanut butter in my chocolate! Two great (well, at least one great and one used to be great but has turned into kind of a cocktease) tastes that taste great together!

For those not in the know, i.e. people who don't read comics and/or graphic novels and instead get laid (freaks!), Brian K. Vaughan is probably the greatest writer working in comics today (alongside Grant Morrison and Neil Gaiman, in my humblest of opinions). He has created the following gems:

Each is a brilliant slice of high concept that is delivered through some truly excellent characterization and dialogue. Y: The Last Man and Ex Machina are both headed to movies (once their series wraps up), Runaways is about to be taken over by the ingenius Joss Whedon, and Pride of Baghdad is destined to become a traumatic animated tale of our current war in Iraq, if there is any justice in this world.

But now BKV is joining the writing staff of the middling Lost! Perhaps he can lift the characterizations, dialogue, and twists above the muck and mire of mere stereotypes and cliches! Here's what the Man had to say on his own blog:

"Sorry I've been so coy about these rumors, but I always like to wait until the contracts have been signed and the "first trimester" has been survived until I talk about stuff.

But yes, inexplicably, I've been hired as an Executive Story Editor by the fantastic television show LOST. As I'm neither an executive nor an editor, this is really just a fancy Hollywood way of saying that I've joined the writing staff.

I can't talk about much more than that, so I implore you to please stop asking me what the island is, who the Others are, how Matthew Fox smells, etc. Still, I will say that I'm insanely honored to join such an amazing group of writers (some of their new scripts I've been lucky enough to read are destined to become the best episodes of the series), and I'm very grateful to Damon Lindelof and Carlton Cuse for having so much faith in me.

And no, I'm absolutely not leaving comics. There are a lot of Y: The Last Man and Ex Machina fans at the show, so everyone has been great about leaving me just enough time to work on those books, and even some new ones, including an upcoming four-issue stint on that Runaways guy Joss Whedon's "eighth season" of BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER over at Dark Horse. Stay tuned for news on the all-important creator-owned front, as well.

I've learned more about the creative process in two weeks inside the Lost writers' room than I did in four (very rewarding) years at NYU's film school, so hopefully, this new challenge will push me to become a stronger writer and help my work to evolve.

Mostly, I just don't want to screw up a show that I love."

YAY!

Also, now's a great time to get into Y: The Last Man. The series will end with Issue #60 (Vaughan is all about having a set number of issues for each of his stories, something I hope he brings to Lost), and it is currently on Issue # 52 (just hit comic stores yesterday!). There are 8 trade paperbacks out right now (all available here), and each one is a great read filled with awesome set pieces and amazing characters. So check it out.

Excelsior!

12 Days of Christmas, Part 9 - You Get the Joke By Now.

And here's some more content to enjoy whilst you anxiously awaiting slathering yourself in Tainted Nogg and defending your sexuality to your grandparents:




(PS This has portents of things to come for the final day of christmas - any guesses? Anyone?)

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

12 Days of Christmas Part Ocho - The Fighting Eighth!

I know this video has been everywhere, but I do enjoy a good "Why Does Matthew McConaughey Have his Shirt Off?" joke. Also, what's not to love about the often retarded looking Matt Damon ("MATT DAMON!") mocking the cyborg from Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation? Seriously, he had a mechanical leg in that movie. The fuck is up with that?

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

12 Days of Christmas, Part VII - Attack of the Clones

Here's an oldie, but nonetheless, also a goodie. It's a christmas light display that is done in time with "Wizards in Winter" by the Transiberian Orchestra (do those guys just do Christmas themed rock classical pieces? That seems like a very specific niche market). You may recall that this was used in a beer commercial last holiday season.




The tragic irony behind the whole thing? The children who live in that house are all epileptics. So while it is nothing but yuletide gaiety for many, it is a personal glittery hell for those tiny spasmatics. Ho, ho, ho.

Monday, December 18, 2006

A Lawsuit Against U2 for the Song "Sunday Bloody Sunday" is Pending

So some conservative christian group is proving that, just like Jesus, when one feels offended you should turn the other cheek - and then loudly protest and bitch about it. It's the whiny, passive aggressive move that Jesus himself pulled when the Romans crucified him.

(From IMDB news)

Christian groups have slammed the remake of cult 1974 movie Black Christmas, because they find the horror movie "offensive." The Glen Morgan-directed film stars Oliver Hudson, Katie Cassidy, Lacey Chabert and Michelle Trachtenberg and centers on a group of US college students who battle a slasher over the Christmas holidays. The movie will be released on Christmas Day in US cinemas, much to the horror of Christian groups. Mathew Staver, founder and chairman of Liberty Counsel, says, "To have a movie that emphasizes murder and mayhem at Christmas, a time of celebration and joy around the world seems to be ill founded." Jennifer Giroux, co-founder of Operation Just Say Merry Christmas, adds, "The use of religious music 'Silent Night' and the nativity set on the front porch in one scene are insensitive to Christians. It's not enough to ignore and omit Christmas, but now it has to be offended, insulted and desecrated. Our most sacred holiday, actually a holy day, is being assaulted."

Here's the real problem with this story - Jennifer Giroux doesn't know her own faith. Christmas, which, like all Christian holidays, is actually a mixture of observances and attempts to co-opt a Pagan holiday to make Christianity seem cool, isn't the "most sacred holiday" of Christianity. Being conceived in a virgin by an angel - yes that's a miracle. Being born, is not.

And the most sacred Christian holiday is...anybody? Anybody?

It's Easter. It's the day that Jesus was resurrected and ascended to heaven. So, next time you wish to espouse how much you know your own faith, and how you are the last line of defense for something so sacred that you care so deeply about, Ms. Giroux, perhaps you could at least PRETEND to know something about it. Damn!

12 Days of Christmas, Pt. 6 - Adrienne's Revenge!

And here's another morsel of animated fun for all y'all. Sure, it's not as good as Frisky Dingo, and it doesn't go down as smooth as a stein of sweet, chilled Egg Nog (mmmm...Nog), but it's entertaining. Plus who doesn't love skinny bitches acting stupid? WHO AMONG YOU?


Sunday, December 17, 2006

12 Days of Christmas, Part 5 - No Seriously, This Time IS the Final Chapter. I Swear.

I love this video. Personally I think Zach Galifianakis is one of the funniest comedians working today. He also seems like a petulant child with a large dosage of Crazy Pills, but that just makes him so much more entertaining. Besides which - Behold that beard! It's a thing of beauty.

To learn more about Zach and his beard go to: http://www.zachgalifianakis.com/

Saturday, December 16, 2006

12 Days of Christmas, Part 4: The Final Chapter

Here's a great (if not THE GREATEST) Christmas Treat. Ziggy Stardust singing with some guy that used to beat the living shit out of his kids:

Mazel Tov!

And if you liked that little slice of heaven, and also enjoy nerdy but Hilarious cartoons, then check out The Monarch and Dr. Girlfriend (from The Venture Bros) paying tribute to this very special meeting of the minds. Go here to download the song (scroll down).

Friday, December 15, 2006

Countdown to Christmas - Part III

Well here's a particularly sweet Christmas treat for all my loyal readers this yule tide. It's the poster to Eli Roth's Hostel II. Honestly? It's pretty disturbing, pretty brilliant, pretty gross, and pretty farkin' awesome!





It looks like a David Cronenberg movie threw up all over a camera and that's the picture that came out. Anyways, major thanks to IGN for posting this picture. Be sure to go on over there for a slew of cool interviews, images, and other fun film stuff for upcoming and current movies.

Come back tomorri to see what I'm gonna post for Part IV. Have a good weekend everybody!

Good (NEWS) Friday!


Fear Not! For I bring unto thee good tidings of great joy! And now some especially terrific news items:
  • Great Zombie Jesus! - Head Honcho David X. Cohen talks up Futurama at Toyfare magazine (click on over there). For those too lazy to click over, the gist is that Futurama will be back in 2008. Will it be on Comedy Central? Will it be on DVD? Unknown. But most of the writers are back, all of the voice talent is back, and Al Gore is once again lending his voice (Dude - get a job already! Oh that's right, he's a consultant for Apple and Google...which means he's groin grabbingly rich. Bastard). The best lil tidbit is that the Hypnotoad will be returning, including, Cohen says, "a full 22-minute episode of Everybody Loves Hypnotoad for the DVD release. I am serious."

  • If Only There Were Hipsters in Brooklyn to Appreciate This... - Lou Reed will be performing his formerly derided/currently hiply beloved album Berlin in Brooklyn, NY. This NY Times article details how Reed will be performing his entire gloomy album from Dec. 13th - 17th @ St. Ann's Warehouse. I'm very interested and pray that they are filming this event as it is once in a life time (well, the first in a life time at least). I really love this album, although I will note it is the Single Most Depressing album of all time (no matter what the British say). But it is a beautiful, symphonic epic telling of a very simple and personal story of two classic Reed characters (drug addict lovers who abuse each other and lament their existence) inside of an apartment building in Berlin (before the wall came down). Just listening to the song "The Kids" when a child suddenly and desperately cries out "MAMA!" that is absolutely heartbreaking. It's definitely worth listening to, and if you're able, you should head on over there to check it out.
  • The British Version of Pretty Woman is A LOT Darker - Okay, this doesn't qualify good news. Unless you think the slaughter of 5 British prostitutes counts as good news. In which case you're starting to scare me, and I think I should take the kids to my mothers. In the English port town of Ipswich, the bodies of 5 women have been found in 11 days. This rash of murders harkens back, of course, to Jack the Ripper (although the news story makes it sound as if there have been several "Rippers" in the UK's past. Hey, England - why you no likey the whores?). But what makes this sound so fascinating to me is the near cinematic dramatic language that Mike Berry, criminal psychologist, uses in describing the fiend: "'The killer may be confident he will not be caught," he wrote in the Daily Mirror. "He will be fascinated by the coverage of the case ... he will be thinking "the game is on".'" So who wants to join my rag tag group of Ripper hunters and go on over to foggy Londontown and crack this case wide open? I would prefer a mixture of races and expertises that were comprised of (but not limited t0): judomaster, chemist, acrobat, computer analyst, mathematical genius, mime, precision driving, 1980s cartoon theme songs, and whores. Please email me at the contact info provided. Also - names are important, people. "Ipswich Ripper" is a misnomer. And "Suffolk Strangler" just sounds lame. But "The Ipswich Killer" - that sounds pretty great. It's like a Jane Austen book where characters tell each other HP Lovecraft stories. Let's stick with Ipswich Killer, and let's track this guy down, gang!
  • Best Christmas Themed Hipster Gift EVER (Overwhelming Sense of Irony Not Included) - Behold the Sufjan Stevens Christmas Box Set! At only $19, and jam packed with 5 CDs (albeit of Christmas standards) along with a slew of extras (• Five individually packaged CD EPs!• Five Christmas stickers!• Extensive liner notes and short stories by Sufjan Stevens!• An original Christmas essay by Rick Moody!• An animated music video and comic strip by Tom Eaton!• A Christmas Songbook with lyric sheets and chord charts--so you can sing along too!• An original Christmas Family Portrait painting of Santa Sufjan (with wife and kids!) by Jacques Bredy!), I think this would be quite the steal for any holiday hipster.


  • And You Thought Congo Was Retarded... - Honestly, Michael Crichton: What the Fuck? What is wrong with you? For those who haven't heard, allegedly Michael Crichton has inserted one of his critics into his newest book for about 2 paragraphs. Sure, writers have used similar techniques in the past to get their revenge on those who deride them. But I think this is a special case. Why? Because Crichton has decided to cast his critic as a Baby Rapist. And to add insult to injury? He's a Baby Rapist with a Small Penis. I would also like to point out that the NY Times uses the term "small penis rule" as if that is part of our every day lexicon (for those not in the know - and i certainly wasn't - the small penis rule is when an author describes a person in real life with a fictional name and then gives said person a small penis; the theory is that no one wants to scream "that's me! that's me with the small penis!"). Seriously, this is some fucked up shit. Much worse than Sphere. Well...mostly worse than Sphere.
  • God Bless You, Conan O'Brien! - There's a law that if you mention a domain on the air, and that domain is available, then you have to own it. Or something like that. Anyways - here's the story. But as the story shows, Conan's staff turned nerdy cybernetic lemons into hilarious aquatic mammalian porn! Go on over to the site to check out some hot Manatee porn, and also the great cartoon: Pale Force. Head on over to http://www.hornymanatee.com/. And enjoy!
  • That IS Why They Call Them Business Socks - It's an oldie, but a goodie. I leave you with Flight of the Conchords performing their internatinonal megahit, "Business Time".

Thursday, December 14, 2006

Frisky Dingo 3-D!

Okay, it's not actually in 3D. But here is the third episode of this great show.

I really like any show that's willing to just shut up for half a minute in order to obtain awkward silence. Brava, Killface! Brava!

(In case you missed it - Episode 1 and Episode 2)

Part 1




Part 2



12 Days of Christmas, Part the Second

Enjoy this specially made clip by the cast of Scrubs in which they dub over A Charlie Brown Christmas with their own special dialogue.




Also, I love Snoopy's laugh. That weird, high pitched yaw sound he makes. It's brilliant and not at all what I expect from the little beagle.

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Stop Letting These Idiots Type!

It's been said that if you give a million monkeys a million typewriters and an infinite time to write, eventually they will produce Shakespeare (to see a completely anal retentive theorum regarding this saying, go here).

Apparently, if you give one monkey one T-Mobile Sidekick and a few lines of blow, you can get the following trash. The disease ridden Party Girls have taken to the InterWeb to plead their various cases. In the Victorian times, people would correspond with their public and with each other. Authors and various socialites left behind whole volumes of letters that revealed not just the inner workings of their minds, but the true feelings that existed in that bygone era. Alexander Pope and other writers would call out their critics and engage in an intellectual tete a tete in London's newspapers.

Nowadays, we get this MySpace message from Stupid Spoiled Whore, Paris Hilton, defending Britney Spears:

(from IMDB.com)
"Lately, you've been seeing pics of me and Britney partying (blah blah) and she knows that some of her fans are very upset about what they call her 'behavior' and sadly they're blaming the issue on her being friends with me. For people to call out her parenting skills on behalf of her partying ethics is appalling. Britney loves her kids to death, and I know for a fact that it truly hurts her when she sees these cruel things being written about her. She goes home every night to her babies and partying has not come in the way of her parenting. Anyone who has called her out on this should really be ashamed. There are thousands of mothers out there who like to go out and have a good time. But, you do not see people out there calling them 'bad parents.' She's young, and if she wants to go out and have some fun, let her. Just because she does these things does not mean she doesn't care about her children. For the sake of Britney and her kids, be kind. Love, Paris."

What the fuck are Partying Ethics? And the idea that Paris hilton would EVER use the word ethics is mindblowing on so many levels.

Meanwhile, after releasing her postmodern treatise on philology and grief, Lindsay Lohan has struck back. This time invoking the ghosts of modern political times, like Al Gore and Bill Clinton. Is Lohan satirizing the idea of the public self vs. private self? Is she trying to parody the very term "cause celebre"? Or is she just coming down after a weekend spent high on cough medicine and Sour Patch Kids? Either way, here is a leaked email that Lindsay Lohan has recently sent out.




(from Gawker)

"Subject: The way of the future-Howard Hughes once said. I am willing to release a politically/morally correct, fully adequite letter to the press if any of you are willing to help. Simply to state my oppinions on how our society should be educated on for the better of our country. Our people. Also because I have such an impact on our younger generations, as well as generations older than me. Which we all know and can obviously see. People are just mean. I am going to proceed with putting LR to court if need be for what she's done to me. Its my life. I want to live it. People cannot lie and think that it is okay to continue on having done so. Simply because they will do it again to someone else, and that is not alright with me. I have had many ups and downs, as do we all.
"But to make false accusations to one girl is unjust in my oppinion. Having said this, I am willing to do anything I need to get my life the way it should be and the way I work for it to be.. And have thus far in my career. Let's sue the tabloids for saying the things they say. Defamation of character. Amongst other illegal accusations, I will repeat this over and over to make my point. I am not fully aware of what these, again, accusations are, but I am fully and eagerly prepared to learn them. Have harvey and all lawyers help me please. If he is willing. Al Gore will help me he came up to me last night and said he would be very happy to have a conversation with me. If he is willing to help me, let's find out. Hilary Clinton, Bill Clinton, and Evan metroplis, and John Daur who works with them would be willing, if we just ask. If we just ASK. I'd really like to fix things and refuse to stop on any account for these unintelligent, vulgar people who like to hurt other people. Not just me, but everyone. I'm willing to hold a press conference and I will do anything necessary to do so. In putting an end to 'these people' trying to put an end to me and belittle me as well as try to be the demise of me after all I've gone through and done at such a young and tender age in a womans life. Its enough already, I've had enough and I am going to be the one to make a change.

"For all of my fellow actors, friends, people I admire and for those I've lost in the recent days, years, months. I do believe the focus in the world has misplaced and directed in the wrong directions and I am willing to be the one to help change that and use my celebrity status to move the focalpoint /(s) of the press to the real issues that we have going on as we speak. Anyone that is willing to help and has a family member or friend, even co-worker that is in a position to be involved in any way, shape or form, please contact me, Jenni Muro, Leslie Sloane, Michael Heller, Jason Sloane, Jason Weinberg as soon as you can or are willing. Just ask them, it doesn't hurt to ask. So let's start now, rather than waste time. Do you agree? Because I'm doing it either way. The way of the future. Thank you for your time. Your Entertainer, Lindsay Lohan"

She should be beaten to death with the Oxford English Dictionary.

Al Gore, your reaction to suddenly finding yourself alligned with a coked up anorexic whore with a drinking problem?


"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

12 Days of Christmas, Part the First (or is it Twelfth?)

With only 12 more days until we celebrate the half-assed birth of Our Lord and Savior in what can only be referred to as deplorable and down right negligent conditions in a filthy barn, I figured I'd give us 12 days of holiday themed fun and excitement.

Now, is today technically the 12th day of Christmas or the 1st day of Christmas? Wouldn't Christmas be the first day of Christmas? And why do I find "8 maids a milking" so damn sexually provocative?

(THIS JUST IN: Apparently the 12 days of Christmas begin AFTER December 25. Check here for more information. What I don't get is if there's a chance of extending Christmas and Jesustime, even if only by 12 days, then why aren't the Fox News Christmas Defense League all over it? They are fighting the war on the War on Christmas, but apparently don't intend to celebrate the 12 nights after Christmas. For shame, O'Reilly. And Hannity, I expect this type of blatant disregard for Jesus from Colmes...not from you, Sean. Not from you.)

Anywhoski, so the first treat today is the trailer for the 1985 instant classic, Santa Claus: The Movie. Check it out!



Has anyone seen this?

Not to ruin this truly inspiring piece of art, but one of the plot points is that a Rogue Elf (Dudley Moore, of course) uses the magic powder that helps the reindeer fly to make candy that an Evil Industrialist (John Lithgow) dangerously sells without considering the ramifications (apparently people will just float away). Anyways, to escape the authorities, Lithgow stuffs his face with the candies, and the last time we see him he is floating in space. That one shot freaked the hell out of me as a child. "Oh hey, Santa Claus: The Movie. What presents are you bringing me this year? Weeks of nightmares of a paranoid businessman trapped floating endlessly in the cold vacuum of space? Thanks, Santa!"

Here's the best line from Roger Ebert's review of the film (he gave 2.5 stars):
"The movie needs a super-Scrooge, and all it gets is the kind of bad guy Ralph Nader might have invented. The biggest crisis is when a couple of reindeer come down with runny noses."

Super Scrooge, eh? The Santa Clause 4: Revenge of the Super Scrooge! Someone call Tim Allen!

Thursday, December 07, 2006

Frisky Dingo Thursdays - Episode 2!!!

(Check Out Episode 1 here.)

I really think this may be the best comedy on TV right now, beating out The Office and Scrubs. I do miss Venture Bros., though. But still - all of these characters are absolutely brilliant.

Plus I love the line from the rap "All That Jizz" that they have in this show "Tell Bill Maher I'm Comin For You!"

Now onto the exciting, continuing saga of Killface!

Part 1:



Part 2:



So enjoy, and let me know your thoughts! Holla!

The Hills May Have Eyes, but the MPAA Doesn't Have Brains

Here's the original poster for the new Hills Have Eyes 2 movie (as found on EatMyBrains):


I never saw the remake, and I really have no intention to see this movie. I'm sure it's gonna be horrible. So why am I showing it here, on my own lil slice of cyberspace? Because the MPAA doesn't want you to see it. They think it's too scary, or whatever reason - they have a problem with it. So they have ruled, on a whim, that it must be changed. So now THIS is what it looks like:


What the eff? At least in the other poster the person was alive, s/he had a fighting chance. This one, s/he appear to be dead. Or I guess since there are no body parts protruding from the sack, we can't assume it is a body. Wha-Wha-WHAAAAT?

Anyways, in the feeblest of protests, I now post up The Hills Have Eyes 2 poster as it should've been, and to ensure that everyone gets to see it and that the MPAA will soon wither and die in its impotency.

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

A Monkey's Manifesto

Firstly, here's my thoughts on The Velvet Underground song "Oh Sweet Nuthin" (it comes in to play - you'll see):

Why mince words?

"Oh Sweet Nuthin" is one of the few songs that I think of as an anthem in my life (the other songs are "Like A Rolling Stone" by Dylan, "And All That Could Have Been" by NIN, "Waiting for My Real Life to Begin" by Colin Hay and "Do You Realize?" by Flaming Lips - maybe not the most optimistic or happy collection of songs).

When I first heard it (roughly a year before High Fidelity came out - so I got to geek out in theaters to it), the song just struck a chord in me. It's basically, on a lyrical level, one of the most depressing songs. People get ripped off, dropped off, forgotten, left behind, and broken. It's a testament to the broken heart, the dashed dreams, and the mean realities that rip us a part. That song is the essence of sadness. The only problem is - no one told the Velvet Underground that. It's played with such joy, such revery, and it becomes a celebration. VU is celebrating the fact that we all get shit on. That we live amongst cannibals, and phonies, and hustlers of spirit - but that never stops us.

"The Bed" on Reed's second solo album Berlin, is truly the examination of the price of a painful and depressing life, one mired in a pessimistic swamp that seems intent on not allowing for any joy or any reflections on brighter times.

That is not "Oh Sweet Nuthin". It's the song of that smug loser. It's the song of the man who brushes himself off, smiles at the Guy who beat him, and just walks on. It's the song of Cool Hand Luke (and therefore, I guess the song of Jesus?). It's that moment of transcendence, when someone steps out, laughs at how absurdly harsh everything can be, and just keeps on.
And (like the good English Major I am) there's textual evidence of this:

Say a word for Polly May
She can't tell the night from the day
They threw her out in the street
But just like a cat she landed on her feet
And say a word for Joanna Love
She ain't got nothing at all
'Cos everyday she falls in love
And everynight she falls when she does


Joanna Love never stops, never gives up on love; she falls in love, falls into beds, and continues on. Polly May hit that street, but was still ready to pounce and keep goin. Reed's lyrics don't sugar coat what life is. Life sucks. But you don't cash in your chips. You play the next hand. Cuz while Life may be Horrible and a lot of Awkward Unfunny Pratfalls, it keeps goin on. You'll get another chance, you'll survive this, and who knows? Maybe one day you'll actually catch a whale.

And it's also perfect as the last song for the Velvet Underground (yes, they released live albums, unreleased B-sides, and had a rather poorly devised reunion tour - but this was their last real studio album). It was a band famous for infighting, drug problems, ego maniacs, a pregnant drummer, a complete lack of awareness by all but the truly hip. It was a band marked by a bunch of ups and downs, with a lot less ups than downs (they wouldn't be recognized, revered, and canonized for many many years later - and having sex with Nico couldn't really have been that great). But the note they left on, their most perfectly straightforward pop album, still belies this darkness and sadness. And this song implies that the bad times didn't go away just cuz Lonesome Cowboy Bill is riding like a fool - they're there. They'll always be there.

But the Velvet Underground, and the fanatics of "Oh Sweet Nuthin", are ready to greet these dark and uncertain moments with a grin and a joke, wiping off their backs, and preparing for whatever will come next.

After sending this to my Obi-Wan (brilliant impassioned teacher who's also a good friend, and whose ghost will haunt me for lightyears to come), she jokingly said that I was a nihilist, and she wanted to see where these dark feelings came from (all in a sweet and nice manner, mind you). I get that a lot. That I'm a nihilist, an atheist, a godless heathen. Well, here's my response, and I think, it's kind of my manifesto in life. It's how I describe myself - a Cynical Romantic.

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Cool Hand Luke, Wonder Boys, Modern Times, Annie Hall, The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou, Breathless (original), Brazil, Rushmore, The Fisher King, Unforgiven, The Royal Tenenbaums, and pretty much any Sam Peckinpah movie. These are all movies that show this ugly and raw side of life. They show how harsh and depressing everything can be, and how often fantasy and dreams fail our real selves. But they are all done with a smirk, a smile, a joke, a moment of acting out, and they all feature protagonists that try for greatness despite the insurmountable odds. And they're never heroes, they're just dreamers who decide "fuck it" and just go for it in some capacity or another. It's that quixotic quality. Don Quixote is so depressing because essentially he's a demented man who wishes to escape life and finds himself creating a much better world than the one he's in. He's admirable for his dreams and desires and ambition and nobility, but also tragic because it's about a man's failure to cope with the world. It's that delicious layer cake of comedy, heroics, tragedy, and futility. And the people who dig that type of a story - Romantics, Dreamers, Hedonists - are people who know the sweet matches the sour. It's that line from Jitterbug Perfume by Tom Robbins:

“Salvation is for the feeble, that’s what I think. I don’t want salvation, I want life, all of life, the miserable as well as the superb. If the gods would tax ecstasy, then I shall pay; however, I shall protest their taxes at each opportunity, and if Woden or Shiva or Buddha or that Christian fellow--what’s his name?--cannot respect that, then I’ll accept their wrath. At least I will have tasted the banquet that they have spread before me on this rich, round planet, rather than recoiling from it like a toothless bunny. I cannot believe that the most delicious things were placed here merely to test us, to tempt us, to make it the more difficult for us to capture the grand prize: the safety of the void. To fashion of life such a petty game is unworthy of both men and gods.”
I'm not a nihilist. I think of myself as a Cynical Romantic. I want nothing but the best in the world, for myself and my friends. I want to fall in love, and do incredible things. I want to be known in the places people go to be forgotten. I want to leave footprints on a land no one else has seen. I want to tell stories that end in scars & laughter. I want to be able to entertain any idea or thought without ridicule or judgment. And I believe all of these things are possible. I believe in superheroes and unknown dimensions and that adventure is literally a block ahead of me at all times, and maybe just once I'll come face to face with it.

But with all of these wants and desires exists the cynical truth of my days. The lies, shortcomings, and cruel realities that are always present. The Government. My job. My appearance. The world around me. The sad fate of my friends. My stillborn future. The lack of real glimmers of hope in my heart. These two things clash inside of me. It's like magical tragedy. Cuz in my head there are fantastic vistas and creations and worlds being born every second. But in my life, it's the same old same old, and i feel the noose tightening.

My favorite quote from one of my favorite films of last year, Me & You & Everyone We Know (which also belongs on the list above and which you should definitely see), is:

"I don't want to have to do this living. I just walk around. I want to be swept off my feet, you know? I want my children to have magical powers. I am prepared for amazing things to happen. I can handle it. "

I just think it's so appropos. And i also don't think I'm the only one that feels this way. I think most of my generation feels betrayed right now. We were promised an amazing future full of flying cars and exploration and wondrous possibilities. And instead we find dead end day jobs and compromised values. I'm sure it's nothing new and that every generation feels that way, and this feeling is just an extension of my generation's narcissism. But that's how I view myself and my life. And i could go into all of the shortcomings, defeats, embarrasments, letdowns, and abuses I've suffered in my life to make me seem hardened and misanthropic. But there's no reason for it - nothing truly original. And in the end - i'm not really misanthropic, just guarded. And I can't wait for the day to come, for the world shattering event to take place, where I can open my gates, smile wide, and let everyone in.

Maybe some of y'all feel the same way. Dunno.

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Astrobase Go!

Moonbase, muthafuckas!



NASA announced plans today for a moonbase to be started around 2020, and hopefully create a permanent structure by 2027!

Read it all here!

Now, I admit I don't normally give a rat's ass or understand most of the "progress" we've been making with NASA recently (studying how ants react with screws in space?). But this is like a half a step closer to the future we should have. Can the flying car be far behind?

Also, the article says that "commerical enterprises could expand the outpost to develop scientific and other interests." My question to all of you is What Will Be On The Moon First: a Starbucks, a McDonald's, or a Wal-Mart?

"Save the Writing. Save this Show."

Heroes is a rather large hit for NBC. Despite this, I know only 2 other people that watch it (my roommate and my girlfriend). So perhaps what I'm about to say will fall on the deaf ears of my general readers (by which i mean my girlfriend, my roommate, and I guy looking for brutal monkey sex porn but ended up here instead. Sorry, Melvin!), but it's time to discuss this show.




Now, some of what is going to be covered here ventures daringly into the land of Spoiler Territory for Heroes and for Lost. So if you're not all caught up with the show, I suggest you go watch the episodes you've missed and then come on back here. In the meantime, I'll just amuse myself by looking at this pornographic playing cards.

All set?

I don't think Heroes is a bad show; it's just an unrefined show. It has loads of potential with some good actors, clearly a good budget, and some talent behind the screen. It also has loads of albatrosses bringing it down - including bad actors, bad sense of pacing/plot, bad dialogue, and some bad talent behind the screen. The pieces are in place for this show to be good, but it just needs some polishing, some buffing, and other activities that will help make it shine a little bit.

I will also point out that Heroes doesn't really have a central mystery. While Lost's inherent story derives from "where are they?" and "how can they get off where ever they are?" Heroes's main mystery appears to be "How did they get their powers?", except that doesn't seem to ever be a question and is usually just answered by "genetics" or "evolution"(which to some viewers in the south must be akin to saying "Magic!"). The other mysteries are more temporary - Who's Sylar? What's up wit dat huge friggin' atomic explosion in NYC? Who is Mr. Bennett and his Black friend? - or at least don't seem to be immediate questions with which the viewer needs to concern himself. And yet...and yet...and yet, Heroes is somehow compulsive to watch. What has me tuning back in? Do I want to see where all these different strands of stories converge and intereact? Is it the prospect of turning a beloved geeky idea (superpowers!) and actually making it a viable and compelling hour of television? I would assume it's the latter, since the prospect of these characters interacting is semi-interesting, but I know that the reality would be anything but.

So how can the creators fix this show so it fulfills the geek promise? How can they actually make it more than just a Lost clone?

Look upon my works ye mighty, and despair!:

I) Stop saying Your Stupid Ass Tag Lines!!! I know that they will be moving from "Save the Cheerleader. Save the World." and onto "Are You On the List?" in the new year, but I can't tell you how faakin' sick I am of hearing that crap. Firstly, it's the stupidest tag line of all time. It's dumb, vague, and completely silly. Secondly, when you have it uttered approximately 8 times in each of the last 5 episodes, it gets even more ridiculous. It's called browbeating, and while it's pretty bad when they are repeating something actually interesting, it becomes downright insufferable when the characters are repeating this swill. It's an obvious attempt to make it a question on everyone's lips, and also a very jarring shout out by the writers to the latest of the show's mysteries. Unfortunately, it only succeeds in making all of the characters look silly and the writers look inept. So I don't want every character in the new year asking each other "are you on the list?" Let's learn from our mistakes, people!

II) I Care About this Why? For the love of god - give me a character to give a damn about! I will say that Hayden Panettiere's character, Claire the cheerleader, is actually interesting. She's ashamed of her powers, but embraces them when necessary. She uses them to right wrongs, but is still discovering her place in this world and how to best use her powers. Plus she's cute. So she's an interesting character - because she grows, she changes, she modifies, she tries new things, and interacts within her own social environment of her family and high school. Claire also has displayed all emotions - love, sadness, fear, anger, happiness, etc. She's not a one note character and is the reason why so many people enjoy her (not even going into the whole "cheerleader fetish" thang). Unfortunately, she's the only one (although Greg Grunberg's Matt the Cop is also very interesting as he's the simply every man coping with his powers and trying to do Good as well). Who else is interesting? The Petrelli brothers who are constantly locked in that endless Mulder/Scully paradigm of saying "It's Possible!" "Forget about it! You're insane!" "It's possible!" "Forget About it! You're insane!" over and over again. I hate when characters have to be willfully stupid and incredulous, for no reason (looking at you, Lost). Hiro? Who just has a lot of asian enthusiasm and no real depth? Sure, he's the Morpheus of the show (the one who endlessly espouses the philosophy of the show and the morality involved in the ridiculous situation), but he seems completely unfazed that his girlfriend was lobotomized by Sylar. Mohinder follows the same pattern as being a man who keeps saying that he wants to believe, but then continues to refuse to believe. It doesn't make sense. And none of these people have any range of emotion. They are one type and that's it. Nathan's the incredulous bastard, Peter's the hopeful hero, TJ/Nicki/Micah are all unhappy, Hiro is the cutesy fool, and Isaac can't act (seriously - help this brother out). How about actually making these characters real characters, with histories that exist OUTSIDE of the main plot points. Show they have had heartbreak, and have done things they aren't proud of, but are capable of humor and love and acts of bravery. The best characters on the show (Claire the Cheerleader and Matt the Cop) are the closest to real people who are struggling with their powers but also trying to use them. They have issues with the people around them and with the power inside of them - it's the basic Stan Lee formula, and there's a reason it's been working for about 40 years.

(SIDE NOTE: Have you noticed that Lost and Heroes both deal with a lot of characters that have major Daddy issues? Heroes: Claire, Nathan & Peter, Mohinder. Lost: Kate, Locke, Jack. The mothers in the shows tend to be willing idiots who prefer complicit ignorance than to stand up to the fearsome Patriarchs. Or else, just not really mentioned. Meanwhile, everyone has real problems with their fathers, either the legacy they left behind, how their fathers treated them as kids, or the types of man/life/connections their fathers were before they died/disappeared. Is this a commentary on our times? Is this the first large piece of television writing from children of divorced and/or broken homes that arose in the 70s? Or is this just an empty cliche that is easy to go and re-use time and again? What if God was one of us? Just things to consider, I suppose...)

III) Decompression is for Bitches. Yes, 24 made the ultra-serialized story popular. So now a real time hour of plot can occur and be worthy television. Unfortunately, it doesn't translate as well to other shows. When using the plot device of real time, then decompression can work - but only if you have multiple narratives and constant events spurring the plot along (like 24 does). If you have multiple narratives that are all languishing slowly, meandering towards a plot like a far sighted drunkard to a urinal, then it gets really boring. Decompression (which is when you take a simple act or event and then draw it out over a long period of time - or multiple issues of a comic book, or multiple episodes of a tv series) can be useful. It provides time to create depth for characters, establish emotional sincerity in the relationships between characters, and therefore creates the possibility that when an event in the plot occurs, people will care more about that event since they have (theoretically) grown to know the characters so well. This is done well on shows like Sopranos and Deadwood, where character building events and conversations pile upon each other before a huge event (like someone is killed or two characters hook up) finally happens that has emotional resonance for the viewers. Well, since there is no emotional resonance for the viewers on Heroes (see my last point), it hinders the effectiveness of the decompression. So instead you have bland characters stuck in their modes, slowly marching off to some event (that can be obviously foreseen by some viewers) that no one cares about because there's no immediate emotional response. For example, let's say Jackie had been more of a character in Claire's story -- she had been a much larger bitchy presence, had interviews where she was claiming Claire's heroic exploits as her own, pretty much fucked with Claire's head from the git go. Then when she died, people would either be happy (morbid bastards) to see her go, or sad since she was a fun high school villain. Either way, people actually react to see her head get split open. So you can keep the decompression in, Heroes, but only if you promise to use it wisely. Otherwise, I'm taking it away from you!

IV) Time to Start Killin' Bitches. In the beginning, What made Lost seem interesting and exciting was that it seemed intent on challenging viewers' expectations of plot points and characters. Locke seemed evil, but he wasn't really, and he couldn't even walk! The pilot got eaten, or at least just skinned alive out of nowhere! Kate was the fugitive! Someone's gonna die! In fact, the producers constantly spoke about how they wanted to defy normal TV conventions and make it seem that anyone can die at any second, and that if a Lead character and a red shirt go into the forest, maybe the red shirt will be the one to survive. Unfortunately, that completely wasn't the case and the producers dropped the ball. Instead just following the rote characters to do the exact same thing and react the exact same way to any given situation. But the reason why some people still think Lost is thrilling, and why the first season holds up best, is because there's a sense of danger. You don't know these characters, so you don't know how they'll react. Same with Heroes. We don't know any of these characters - all we know is that they have powers now. And if people think a show is dangerous, that at any given second someone could die, or turn traitor or be revealed to have a power, then they will tune in more often and talk about it a lot more. If no one is safe, then everything becomes more significant and necessary to watch. So perhaps it's time to start killing people off - starting with Matt the Cop's wife, which would fill Matt with a bunch of guilt. Then move on and start killing children and pets - nothing says evil and unpredictable universe like a murdered pet.

We can all agree that the majority of people in this world is stupid. But, everyone wants to be challenged intellectually. It's true. People like investigating mysteries together, they like talking about them and theorizing what they just saw with friends and online. They like poring over each still of an episode hoping to find the one clue that will crack open the case and prove them smarter than the writers. They are willing to work for it if the series seems emotionally and intellectually engaging. If they care about a series, people are willing to invest a lot of themselves, their time, and their money into the show. And with viewers becoming savvier and savvier, TV shows should be rising to the challenge.

So stop coddling us, Heroes. You have the raw materials needed to be an excellent show - so start cutting away the fat. Make the show's characters more interesting and more real. Work on the dialogue so people aren't either spouting tag lines or simply saying exposition and helping fill in lazily created plot holes. Make the events count by raising the emotional interest of the viewer, or else have more events occur to be entertaining. And make the threats real and make them immediate, that way people feel absolutely compelled to watch this show.

Together, we can be Heroes, just for one day. (GROAN)

YATTA!


QUICK NOTE: Shout out to CHUD.COM who also wrote something about the decompression and how Heroes is doing currently. I agree with most of it, however I think the writer's take on Lost is the exact opposite of what is actually happening on the show. For while it is a character driven show, it has stalled out as characters are now stuck in a moebius strip of constantly performing the same reactions to every situation (Saayid will torture and/or repair electronics, Locke will speak cryptically, Jack will come up with a horrible plan, Sawyer will be swarthy but have too much heart for a con man, and Hurley will say "dude"). Beyond that, though, the article is pretty good and helped define decompression for me in terms of serial television. So check that shit out, yo!

Sunday, December 03, 2006

Carl Weathers Needs Work!

Remember when Carl Weathers had that stint on Arrested Development as Carl Weathers, Tobias's "acting coach" who was miserly, cheap, and desperately needed money?





Apparently, that wasn't really acting. Behold this Q & A from Ain't It Cool News:


Rumor has it that Mr. T & Ivan Drago are going to be in "Rocky Balboa", is this true or just a rumor???

Sylvester Stallone: Actually Mr. T and Ivan Drago are in a quick montage before the main event in ROCKY BALBOA. It’s only for a second or two, but I appreciate their agreeing to participate. Apollo Creed is not in ROCKY BALBOA because he wanted many thousands of dollars for a two-second piece of he and Rocky boxing. Unfortunately we couldn’t afford it. Then again, what ever happened to loyalty? Apollo Greed?


Damn! Take that, Action Snackson! (I'm not as good at the puns as Sly)

Also, I love that Stallone calls Mr. T by his real name and not Clubber Lang, but Dolph Lundgren will always be Ivan Drago (except to me - who remembers him fondly as He-Man).



Friday, December 01, 2006

Want to Keep Danny DeVito Drunk and on TV?

Then don't go see his movie, Deck the Halls. Create a horrible shame spiral that results ina boozed up Devito stumbling upon his tiny feet from talk show to talk show, before he inevitably throws up all over Tyra Banks during another one of her "Panty Parties". Instead, I would recommend going out there and supporting a really great movie: Darren Aronofsky's The Fountain.




I know some people will simply look at this movie and think it's just a "space movie". But it's more than that. In fact, the Sci-Fi aspect of this story is only just one small facet in a much larger tale about love, death, life, loss, religion, and science. And it has something for everybody: a little bit of action, a pinch of sci-fi, a dash of art film, and whole heaping helpings of a powerful love story.

Darren Aronofsky has made only two films prior to this, Pi and Requiem for a Dream, which I have both enjoyed. Well, I didn't exactly enjoy Requiem for a Dream -- I can't even watch that movie more than once a year or else I'll end up slitting my wrists. But it is technically proficient, wonderfully acted, and amazingly powerful stuff that is able to stir so many strong emotions while watching it. Hell - Aronofsky is able to get a very good dramatic performance from Marlon Wayans. MARLON "LITTLE MAN" WAYANS, people! You gotta give this man a chance! And Pi was a cool debut that had no budget but was able to be infinitely spooky and create a great icky vibe with some powerful visuals and cool performances.


The Fountain is one of the few movies I've seen in my lifetime (i.e. that were in theaters in my 24 year lifespan) that really has left me mulling over what I've witnessed for weeks after seeing it. I've spent hours going over the entire movie, not just because of its multilayered plot, but also because of the emotional repercussions and moving symbolic imagery Aronofsky uses. There are images, lines, and moments from that movie that continue to come back to me throughout the days after seeing it -- and the impressive thing is that they still pack their emotional punch.

A lot of credit has to go to Hugh Jackman and Rachel Weisz. I always liked Weisz as an actress, and in fact have a bit of a crush on her (she's adorable!), but in this film she is able to run a very wide emotional gauntlet from a strong monarch masking her panic and her love to a weak and infirmed woman who unabashedly bares all of her insecurities and fears. But the surprise is Jackman, who I've never really seen act before. I mean, he put on the stupid wig and awkward American accents in the X-Men movies, and I've seen him in a couple of Romantic Comedies (horrible, horrible, horrible Romantic Comedies...ugh), but he's never really shown much (perhaps he displayed more talent in The Prestige, but I missed that one when it came out). Here though, even more than Weisz, Jackman is called on to display a very wide range of traits and emotions, all while portraying three different versions of essentially the same character. He is able to be brave and cruel and hurt and angry and sad and blissful in the span of a few scenes, and yet does a great job in each capacity. Still though, that Wolverine movie is going to be shit. Mark my words.


And lastly, a huge amount of the feel of this movie is due to Aronofsky's musical collaborator Clint Mansell, who scored both of Aronofsky's previous films. Mansell, working with the Kronos Quartet and Mogwai, creates a stirring score that really conjures up all sorts of meaning and emotional responses, even in its sparing notes and recurring tropes. I've been listening to the score for a few days, and it is a great piece of music that haunts the mind and the heart long after the final note has been played.

So I beg everyone to go see The Fountain. It's really important that when a great, smaller film like this comes out, people rally around it and support and prove to the studios that audiences actually like to think and like when movies are original pieces of art that affect our heads and our hearts. This movie will move you -- most people in the theater, including my girlfriend, was crying at several points throughout its short 96 minute running time. And even if you don't like it, I guarrantee it will provoke some sort of emotional reaction and at least a long debate about what you just saw - which is way more than you could ever expect from Deck the Halls or Santa Clause 3.

I Literally Have No Idea What Any of This Means...

It's rather famous now, but I thought it'd be worth it to take a good look at Lindsay Lohan's letter of condolence to the family of Robert Altman. And please, if any one out there can tell me what the fuck she is talking about, and also what happened to her, I'd appreciate it. Let's not forget -- there's a younger Lohan out there in desperate need of our help! We let this one fall through the cracks, America; let's not make the same mistake twice!



"I would like to send my condolences out to Catherine Altman, Robert Altmans wife, as well as all of his immediate family, close friends, co-workers, and all of his inner circle.
I feel as if I've just had the wind knocked out of me and my heart aches.
If not only my heart but the heart of Mr. Altman's wife and family and many fellow actors/artists that admire him for his work and love him for making people laugh whenever and however he could...Robert altman made dreams possible for many independent aspiring filmmakers, as well as creating roles for countless actors.
I am lucky enough to of been able to work with Robert Altman amongst the other greats on a film that I can genuinely say created a turning point in my career.
I learned so much from Altman and he was the closest thing to my father and grandfather that I really do believe I've had in several years.
The point is, he made a difference. He left us with a legend that all of us have the ability to do.
So every day when you wake up. Look in the mirror and thank god for every second you have and cherish all moments.
The fighting, the anger, the drama is tedious. Please just take each moment day by day and consider yourself lucky to breathe and feel at all and smile. Be thankful.
Life comes once, doesn't 'keep coming back' and we all take such advantage of what we have. When we shouldn't.....
Make a searching and fearless moral inventory of yourselves' (12st book) -everytime there's a triumph in the world a million souls hafta be trampled on.-altman Its true. But treasure each triumph as they come.
If I can do anything for those who are in a very hard time right now, as I'm one of them with hearing this news, please take advantage of the fact that I'm just a phone call away.
God Bless, peace and love always.
Thank You,
'BE ADEQUITE'
Lindsay Lohan"

Is it possible that maybe...just maybe....Lindsay Lohan is destined to become the next James Joyce and this is her Finnegan's Wake?

OMIGOD - someone has to set this whole thing to music like that "Everybody's Free (to Wear Sunscreen)" song by Baz Luhrman!

Abandon All Hope, Ye Who Enter Here


Peter Gibbons: So I was sitting in my cubicle today, and I realized, ever since I started working, every single day of my life has been worse than the day before it. So that means that every single day that you see me, that's on the worst day of my life.
Dr. Swanson: What about today? Is today the worst day of your life?
Peter Gibbons: Yeah.
Dr. Swanson: Wow, that's messed up.

-- Office Space


Who designed the office? What sadist, his mind bustling with twisted and subtle forms of degradation and humiliation, created the horrific arrangement within which I now find myself trapped? Like Foucault's Panopticon, the Office exists as a man made torture device in which our physical bodies are confined, but it's truly our spiritual selves which suffer the most.

I worked in another office for a year. Perhaps it was the fact that there was a view (a spectacular view including the Brooklyn Bridge and the South Street Seaport and the not-as hipstery-from-a-distance-Brooklyn), or that there were people who spoke to me there, or that there was work BESIDES data entry for me to do -- whatever the reason, my last office experience did not prepare me for this tenth circle of hell in which I'm temping.

Firstly, the set up: I am in a very narrow strip of hallway in a large office at a rather distinguished university. Behind me are large file cabinets, which are slowly being emptied as the contents are archived. To the left of me is another work station, which currently lies empty as the student worker who uses it is not in today. So far I've met two of the student workers, one of which can't believe that I'm not a student (which I believe speaks more to the lowly nature of my task and less to my youthful appearance. Le sigh.), and the other who refuses to talk to me. To the right of me sits boxes piled high with files that don't seem to have been disturbed for many years, stranded in the Seti Alpha 6 that is my work area. Also of note is that my entire workspace, including my keyboard and monitor, takes up about 3.5' x 2.5'. I'm a large man so basically this whole set up is designed to look like some weird scene in an episode of Mr. Bean.

Oh! I almost forgot. The printer.

The office printer lies directly to my left, establishing my western border to the Pile Mountains eastern bloc. This is where everyone prints their documents, so therefore it provides some possibility for human interaction. Unfortunately, as is often with my life, potential does not translate into reality. People grab their papers without saying so much as a word. Maybe a quick twitter or grunt, or a concerned look as if they are faced with an unruly retarded child who rages about the lack of peanut butter pie in his all Lego diet. They shuffle back to their desks, and I remain faced against my mortal foe: A Giant Excel Spreadsheet. But I like to give these people the benefit of the doubt. I am only temporary. Perhaps they all fell in love with another worker, a darling human being who made great quips, and was always there for a laugh. First one in, last one to leave - this guy was amazing. And then, suddenly, he was gone. Off to go work in another office with some other, luckier people. Such is the life of the Temporary Worker. But what of those people he left behind? Brokenhearted and desperately pining for their missing Temporary Love. And here I come, another temporary worker. Dare they get attached only to feel that harsh burn of separation once more? Can they let themselves get hurt again? Unfortunately, they are afraid to open their hearts up, the pain too fresh, and so they shun me like Michael Richards at a Public Enemy concert (topical!).

Sweet JESUS is data entry boring. I tend to enjoy Zen like monotony; I can wash dishes until my fingers are reduced to bloody stubs scraping food leavins off the plates. I normally don't find anything more relaxing, or helpful with my noisy mind, than mowing the lawn with its endless, repetitive pacing. But data entry is horrible. I look like I've been jerking off for 50 years and am still waiting to cum. My eyes are bloodshot, my face is quite pallid, my brain slow and angry. Remember that (SPOILER ALERT) last scene in Being John Malkovich? When John Cusack's character is stuck in the little girl and is forced to watch his former lovers Lezz out? That's how I feel doing this work. Like there's a tiny me trapped inside, banging his itty bitty head against the walls, trying desperately to break out, or affect some change so this soulcrushing monotony will end.

"Some sources attribute the introduction of the cubicle desk to the computer chip manufacturer Intel Inc. During the 1960s. Its creation is generally attributed to Robert Propst, a designer from Colorado who worked for Herman Miller Inc., a major manufacturer of office furniture. It was based on a 1965 prototype and named the Action Office, made up of modular units with an open plan, an entirely novel system for the time."

Go fuck yourself, Mr. Propst. The cubicle is nothing more than a playpen for the unimaginative. Sure there's no ceiling, and a little open slit of a doorway to make one feel like he could leave at any moment - but you're not going anywhere. You're trapped in there. But at least a cubicle limits the number of people who walk behind you, so you're free to IM, or surf the net, or, say, update your not so popular blog. Here in this little place I like to call Thunder Alley, I'm wide open so I'm constantly looking over my shoulder like Bowie on cocaine - convinced that there are people watching me check my Gmail.


This new job is slowly getting to me. And I know that "what you do" shouldn't equal "who you are". But, to some effect, it does help define you. We spend more time at work than we do with our loved ones, friends, and family. We are surrounded by people with whom we didn't choose to associate, doing something that is usually not what we dream about doing. Oh, there are some of us that have our dream jobs - a few astronauts, a couple of really enthused lawyers, a handful of dedicated Pirate Detectives. But for most of us, what we are doing is either all we could find, simply what pays the bills, a stepping stone to another career, or some other choice that merely satisfies one aspect of our life while flying in defiance of all the others.


And I've done more than my share of menial work. I've worked in kitchens at hospitals and country clubs. I've jockeyed a cash register at convenience stores, cafes, and book stores. I've been customer service. I've been a waiter. I've logged files, inputted information, designed spreadsheets and mailings. I've even been a roofer. But nothing is as altogether depressing and soulnumbing as data entry and officework. The muted tones and subdued colors of the walls and cubicles, the drab tints of folders and other dreary forms of stationary all conspire to slowly drag us into a state devoid of creativity or emotion. The humming, blaring, putrid fluorescent lights beam down on all of us, bathing workers in a horrible glow that reveals every possible imperfection on our faces. There's little talking or social interaction, as walls and offices have been erected to segregate us from each other - lest some seditionary speak begin and talk of revolution could spread amongst us in these bureaucratic bastilles.

Have you ever watched an episode of Survivor? Have you ever noticed how ecstatic those people are at the prospect of eating food? Whenever the host says that the winner of a competition gets a cracker with some cheese whiz, they all become wide eyed and eager, willing to saw off their own limbs just for the possibility to smell some food. Well that attitude is also evident in an office environment. Food becomes the number one reward. Lunch becomes a huge thing as everyone discusses where they wish to go for lunch, what to get, what did you get?, how was the line?, what do I feel like having, etc. etc.. And if there's ever any sweets or little treats brought in for an occasion or even left over from some meeting, then office workers begin to swarm on the plate of free food like those avian assassins attacking the phone booth in The Birds.

And this isn't a new sentiment, this hatred and distrust of offices.


Herman Melville knew that the office was a horrible place. But he also knew it was a Hell of our own making. It's a place where everyone tacitly (or in terms of OSHA, various laws and contracts, explicitly) agrees to go along with the system. We all dress up in clothes that we hate to do jobs that we don't love in a place that is designed to be efficient and conformist. So when one man decides that he simply doesn't want to do that, he's seen as crazy and weird. Another really great bit about Bartleby's story is that the Boss simply can't fathom that someone wouldn't want to do work. There must be something amiss. There has to be a deeper reason than someone simply not caring to do inane office work. Right?

We all know life's not fair. We all know that we gotta get these jobs done. As horrible as it is, as painful and soulcrushing as all of these jobs are, data needs to be updated. But it doesn't have to be done in such a manner as to actually make it worse. We don't have to surround ourselves in tope and beige, strangle ourselves with ties or suits, bleach out our brains with fluorescent lights, or refuse to interact with each other on a very basic and human level. But no one wants to be the first person to simply say "I would prefer not to."

RANDOM OFFICE FACTS:
  • The very word stems from the Latin officium (see that article), as its equivalents in various (mainly romance) languages. Interestingly, this was not necessarily a place, but rather an (often mobile) 'bureau' in the sense of a human staff or even the abstract notion of a formal position (such as a magistrature). Rome can be considered the first society which, mainly because of the rule of law, developed a relatively elaborate bureaucracy, which would not be equaled for centuries in the West after the fall of Rome, even partially reverting to illiteracy, while the east preserved a more sophisticated administrative culture, both under Byzantium and under Islam.
  • Offices in classical antiquity were often part of a palace complex or a large temple. There was usually a room where scrolls were kept and scribes did their work. Ancient texts mentioning the work of scribes allude to the existence of such "offices". These rooms are sometimes called "libraries" by some archaeologists and the general press because one often associates scrolls with literature. In fact they were true offices since the scrolls were meant for record keeping and other management functions such as treaties and edicts, and not for writing or keeping poetry or other works of fiction.
  • The medieval chancery was usually the place where most government letters were written and were laws were copied in the administration of a kingdom. The rooms of the chancery often had walls full of pigeonholes, constructed to hold rolled up pieces of parchment for safekeeping or ready reference (a precursor to the book shelf). The introduction of printing during the Renaissance did not change these early government offices much.
  • Pre-industrial illustrations such as paintings or tapestries often show us personalities or eponyms in their private offices, handling record keeping books or writing on scrolls of parchment. All kinds of writings seemed to be mixed in these early forms of offices. Before the invention of the printing press and its distribution there was often a very thin line between a private office and a private library since books were read or written in the same space at the same desk or table, and general accounting and personal or private letters were also done there.