HAPPY CRAPPIN BDAY, ZOE

So what could rouse the sleeping giant that is the author of this blog?

Is it a post about etiquette in the men's room?

No (but I am working on that).

Is it a post about the dangerous threat posed by MechaJackson?

No (but I am working on that, too).

So what could possible lead me out of semi-retirement like some overacting Michael Corleone?

Simply put, today is my girlfriend's birthday. So, without further ado:


HAPPY CRAPPIN' BIRTHDAY, ZOE!!!!!!


Today she turns 25 years old (rue the day when the words "years young" follow your age), and I bet she's having a helluva time of it in NYC. Meanwhile, I'm stuck in the anal bathwater that is Philadelphia.

We've been dating for almost 10 months (anniversary is on Monday), and it's been a helluva blast. There's been loving, and laughing, and fighting, and crying, and fun times and a case of a missing sandal. (inside joke, prepare for those peppered throughout this thing. sorry, we're just that cute.)

But today is her day, and she deserves nothing but the best. She puts up with all of my manic-depression with few complaints, and constantly helps me as I try to become a better person and a slightly better adjusted adult. She's amazing in the way that she is always so cool and so fun and so easygoing, and makes it look like it's not some herculean effort to put up with all of the bullshit this world flings at us like an irate monkey.

She's always really good at everything she tries her hand at: whether it be her cooking (my baby's a chef--like Raekwon!), her singing, any game she decides to play (best Guitar Hero player ever? at least, that's not japanese or Wil Wheaton), or anything else she sets her mind to.

She's an amazing woman who is so grounded, it rubs off on others around her. But it's not that boring type of grounded where she's just a walking buzzkill. If anything, she's the walking high school kegger and I'm the panicky older brother who has to warn her to keep it down cuz Mom and Dad are gonna be SO mad that they left me in charge.

She has great taste (except in men, obviously) in movies, tv, music (except who likes JT and Robin Thicke THAT much? that's not a gay guy, i mean...). her fashion sense is impeccable, and only adds to highlight just how beautiful she really is. And she is stunning. Sometimes you wake up next to somebody and you feel like you just wandered into the Jabberwocky. But with her, when I wake up and look at her, she is just so breathtaking that all I can do is smile and feel awkward for my own aesthetic shortcomings.

So get off your asses and raise those glasses--this is for Zoe. Happy birthday, gorgeous: I love you and I wish you the best day you've ever had.

See you soon, love!


(And in honor of her birthday i present you with the greatest music video of all time. In fact it's our song...no it's not, cuz that would be weird. But still it makes us giggle.)

Samwell, "What What in the Butt" (not exactly safe for work)

PS. All haters and trolls can suck it. Yeah, that's right...suck it. And if you think it's lame that i'm writing about my girlfriend like a 13 year old gushing about how HOTTT Fall Out Boy is, then think about how lame it is to not understand the need to do that or the lack of an opportunity to do that in your own sad, lonely, pitiful existence. Bitches.