Spiderman 3: Black Like Me

This is the new, Sony approved Spiderman 3 pic - and no, that's not a Black and White photo. Spidey is in a black costume. Which means that the possibility of Venom is getting even closer. Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyy? Oh well, Topher Grace needs the work, I guess.

Like that Infamous Beatles Song?

• Whatever happened to Little Man Tate? - I'm watching Jumanji right now - don't ask - and in it, Little Man Tate plays a young Robin Williams. Whatever happened to him? Maybe he, Jonathan Lipnicki (the Kid with the ginormous head from Jerry Maguire), and that chick from My Girl formed a band where they play a cover of "Runaway Train" for hours on end. That would be sweet.
• When is Ugly Kid Joe Gonna Record Again? - Speaking of Soul Asylum - and I guess I was - that blast from the past will be releasing a brand new album in March. Who was clamoring for this piece of nostalgia? Who made these people come out of hiding after 7 years? Although I will give frontman Dave Pirner credit (or "dap" - i'm down with the kids) and say that his music for Chasing Amy (specifically - "Little Tube of Wonderful" - the opening credits piece) was pretty cool. Goodbye, Street Cred! Hello, VH1!
• Meanwhile, In the Halls of Justice - So I quit smoking. And now it's been two weeks. And...I gotta say - it still sucks. Oh well. It was made easier this week, though, when my desire for anything except oblivion was removed due to an incredibly high fever that stayed with me for three days. It wasn't pleasant - but it did culminate in a fever dream/hallucination where I was arguing with the Justice League and a Tree over how to deal with giant Japanese man terrorizing a city. I still say it's not my jurisdiction nor place to intervene in such matters, but then again - i don't have a utility belt.
• Now When Can I Eat My Meals in One Pill? - FINALLY, some honest to good uplifiting news. Really these stories fill my heart with glee and make me grin like Leo in What's Eating Gilbert Grape?. Soon my precious, soon. Alack alas, that's probably just an internet prank to get my hopes up. But this ain't no prank! I really do think that the advent of the flying car will immediately usher in an era where people will try for greatness again. My reasoning? People will look at this confirmation that childhood dreams and fantasies can actually come true. Suddenly, people will be experimenting with formulas that make them shrink or grow in size, and time travel, and of course - animal-human hybrids.
• He Only Did It Cuz He Loves me So Much - Oh, and if someone shoots you in the face and you turn around and apologize to the shooter? You're a bitch. In every sense of the word. It's one thing to forgive, it's another to feel badly. I mean, that would probably be my reaction - but that's cuz i'm an awkward spaz. "Oh, i'm sorry - I do believe i got my face in there. Were you aiming at those birds? Oh, dammit. Sorry, again - didn't mean to ruin the fun. Is that my eye over there? No? Well, I'll keep looking. Sorry to interrupt."
• Sympathy for the Devil - Mr. & Mrs. Smith is a pretty entertaining movie - but it fills me with so much anger. So pretty boy gets to bang hottie psycho Angelina Jolie and also gets to be an assassin? while sharing jokes with Vince Vaughn? And he gets to bunch that kid from The OC? And you're telling me he's unsatisfied with life?
  ...
  That's fair. I could see how all of that would be tiring after a while.
  ...
  Jackass.
• Titular Line! - So here's where the title of my lil post comes from. This is the most recent trailer for Linklater's A Scanner Darkly. Just click here and download it or view it as you see fit. I think it'll be pretty great. It doesn't look like Linklater was able to get Radiohead to do the score, but that would've been pretty friggin sweet. And while most people - re: Panthro - don't know about Keanu Reeves as Arctor, I'm game for it. Yes, I'm kind of a Keanu apologist (the guy doesn't seem that bad, so I don't mind him), but no where near as much as I am a Ben Affleck apologist (don't ask). But I really do think Keanu fits the role well since he does have the appearance of this scruffy stoner loser, but we're also used to him having these very powerful heroic roles in the past 6 years or so. And it's that dynamic - Ted Logan vs. Neo - that kind of comes into play in this story. Also, the guy is pretty much a blank slate - doesn't bring much in the way of a personality. Whatever people want to think of him, he can become in their eyes; also perfect for Arctor.
• Is this Movie Also About Abortion - like that Ben Folds Five song? - Here's another trailer for y'all. This one is for the movie Brick, which caused a lil hubbub at Sundance. I've heard good and bad things about it, but it looks like an entertaining little film noir. Like a high school version of The Salton Sea. Probably about as good as that flick was, too. Thoughts?
• This Used To Be My Island... - So, as I stated above, I was feeling pretty shitty in the city this past week. So much so that I, gasp!, missed Lost. I know. I know. I haven't watched it yet, and dunno whether or not I'm gonna get caught up. But here's the interesting thing. TVGasm.com said it was a return to form for the series, while my friend immediately texted me after saying "Booo. Fuck Lost, man." So clearly something went down. Although I'm guessing the following happened: Locke spoke cryptically, Sawyer exuded southern charm, Ana Lucia glowered, Kate looked perturbed by something, and Saayid appeared to either torture somebody or fix something electronic. This season, with its hiatuses and poorly produced and written episodes, has really let me down thus far. Was this episode a return to grace? So i turn to you - fellow readers and contributors: please help me. Can you please write in with a recap of the episode and a review of what you thought of it - along with the entire season? Let's get a rap session goin, people! Gracias.
• What Am I Listening To: The Streets, A Grand Don't Come for Free; Wolf Parade, Apologies to the Queen Mary; Jem, Finally Woken; The Flaming Lips, At War with the Mystics (leaked - Gracias to DJ Browneye!); Loverboy, "Turn me Loose"; Cat Stevens, Tea for the Tillerman; The Boy Least Likely To, Best Party Ever; The National, Alligator; The Jam, "A Town Called Malice"; Iron and Wine, Our Endless Numbered Days.
• What Am I Watching: Mr & Mrs Smith, The Long Kiss Goodnight, The Smartest Guys in the Room, The Aristocrats, Veronica Mars, Drawn Together, Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country, Freedomland, Real Time with Bill Maher, The Squid & The Whale.
• Reading is Fundamental - Ex Machina (vol. 1 & 2) by Brian K. Vaughan & Tony Harris; ****Y the Last Man (vol 1-6) by Brian K. Vaughan & Pia Guerra (cannot recommend this enough! check out this series!)****; Tokyo Suckerpunch by Isaac Adamson; Smoke & Mirrors by Neil Gaiman; Lenny Bruce is Dead by Jonathan Goldstein.
• Is That All there is? - Has anyone else noticed that things have been fairly lackluster in the past 3-4 months or so? The Gauntlet II is horrible - and Zira lookalike Kina is still in charge of the rookies (that's right - a Planet of the Apes reference, bitches!). Lost, as I said, is slipping pretty quickly. I actually haven't been watching Veronica Mars this season, but I just devoured all of season 1, so maybe that's good. And most movies have been looking pretty...well just lame and half assed (lookin at you, Final Destination 3). And Flaming Lips's new album, while a leaked copy so it's possible that it's unmastered, is OK. Certainly not bad, and really entertaining, but still not their best. So what's on the horizon? There's enough Nerd heartrbeak in the future with Clerks 2, X-Men 3, Superman Returns. What are people looking forward to? For me, a short list includes - A Scanner Darkly, V for Vendetta, the new season of The Sopranos & Real Time with Bill Maher, the Ghostface/MF Doom album. Any other new albums comin soon to look forward to? Anyone have some bright points of light for me to moor my tiny hopes upon?

I've got your answers RIGHT HERE!!! No seriously, just scroll down.

1) Our President FORBIDS the creation of Animal/Human hybrids (otherwise known as Manimals). If the technology did exist, what Animal would you want to fuse with? Why?

Come on. Shark. All the way. "Sharky!"

2) Would You Rather Be a Private Detective or an Undercover Cop?

If I could rock the Magnum stash, and maybe have some form of a colorful sidekick/partner, then definitely Private Detective. I'd only be an Undercover Cop if it was like an Infernal Affairs situation. Dammit - no one's seen that movie.

3) If You Could Fight Any Member of Superfriends, who'd it be? Which character would, in fact, be your Super Friend?

I would fight the Wonder Twins. That's right - BOTH of Them. And who'd be my friend? Please, isn't it obvious? Black Vulcan. He's pure lightning - in his pants.

4) What song, released in 2005, best sums up YOUR 2005?

"Always New Depths" by Bloc Party. "Mr. Ambulance Driver" by the Flaming Lips is a close second.

5) If you were a superhero - would you have a cape?

Depends. If I flew? Definitely. If i didn't? No way.

6) What's the strangest thing that ever made you cry?

Independence Day. It was on in the background while I was cleaning up. I wasn't even watching it. And it was that part where Randy Quaid & Bill Pullman defiantly make the last stand against the aliens, and then Quaid sacrifices himself for the good of all mankind. And suddenly, I was weepy. The hell did that come from?

7) Fireworks: Awesome or Awful?

You know, they're cool and all...but overall, it's just kind of retarded. I mean, you're just watching stuff explode. I dunno - if it was in a Michael Bay movie i would be unimpressed. Why is it suddenly entertaining when done by a group of Carnie Rejects?

8)Who (one band/musician) would you want to do the soundtrack for your life? Who SHOULD do the soundtrack to your life?

I would want the Flaming Lips, cuz they make the tragic sound profound and interesting and entertaining. And the happy parts would seem a lot happier. Who should do it? Some crappy melodramatic untalented but mildly popular band. Like Switchfoot.

9)Do you remember the first lie you ever told? If so, what was it?

I really don't. Probably "No, I'm okay."

10) If You Could Fight Any Character from Can't Hardly Wait, who'd it be and why? Which character are you most like?

I would say I'd fight Jerry O'Connell's character - cuz it would be great to beat up the over the hill college kid that came back to a high school party. But I'd also want to beat up actor Ethan Embry - cuz fuck that guy.

11) Best Adam Sandler movie? (no, it's not an oxymoron)

Punch Drunk Love - although Billy Madison is his best comedy. And does anyone remember Bulletproof? I remember seeing that in theaters, and thinking it was brilliant. I caught it like 6 months ago. I think i was a retarded child.

12) If you had the gift of flight, where would you fly to first?

Doesn't matter so long as it's the fuck away from here. In all seriousness, i would fly to Fiji or Hawaii. Maybe San Fran.

13) Have you ever known someone who reminded you of a celebrity, BUT that celebrity was pretty awful so you couldn't really tell that person? (For example, someone told me recently that I look like Ray Romano. That was hurtful and should've been kept to herself.) If so, who was the person and who was the celebrity?

I'm not gonna be naming any names - but there's someone out there an awful lot like Ashlee Simpson. And no one ever EVER wants to hear that one. Not even Ashlee Simpson wants to be told that she looks like Ashlee Simpson. She was a really sweet girl, too.

14) Would you rather have a sassy teen, sassy robot, or a sassy monkey for a sidekick?

Sassy Robot. Monkey is dirty and hard to control. Teens are jerks. Robot would be useful and provide ample hilarious observations throughout our many misadventures.

15) What band, TV show, or movie did you hate on for a long time, but then suddenly found yourself completely in love with?

I hated on Alias, and then found myself totally wrapped up in the first 3 seasons. Although my hating was vindicated in the 4th season. Honestly - what was that about? Also, I hated on Angel, but that fifth season is amazing. Some good stuff. And I also hated on Postal Service, but ending up liking them. Although now I'm kind of back to hating them again. And kind of M83 - although i was never all about them the way certain others were. And I hated on the Harry Potter books - but then ended up gobbling up all the books since 2002. Although i still find them poorly written and formulaic, i'll be damned if they ain't addictive.

16) Ironic Music Listening: Funny or Tired?

Sometimes a lot of fun ("You're the Best Around" from The Karate Kid), sometimes real tired ("Hulkster in Heaven").

17) If you could bring back a game from your childhood (MASH, Hopscotch, Kickball, Spike, etc), what game would it be? Why?

Kickball. I would make recess mandatory for work places everywhere. And all of the CPAs, and IT people, and human resources groups would play with each other. they could be human again, if only for 30 minutes.

18) If you had to be trapped inside of any TV show, as a recurring character within that universe, what show would it be? Why?

Saved by the Bell. They had so much fun, and were carefree, and seemed like good friends with each other. Plus i always wanted to travel by locker.

19) Have you ever written a poem for someone you love?

Yes, cuz i'm an asshole. Why is no one proud of doing this?

20) Would you rather be Giant (like Atomic size) or Microscopic?

MicroScopic.

21) Are Mummies scary? How about Zombies?

Mummies aren't. That gauze just has to be binding. Plus how can you be scared of someone that once worshipped cats? Zombies on the other hand - it all depends on what kind. They can run fast, move slowly, talk, not talk, operate machines, simple feast on brains. There's such a rainbow - you don't know what you can get. also, it's hard to reason with a dead person.

22) Write a horoscope for a Muppet Baby.

"Beware of your friend, The Comedian - remember it is not in his nature to be funny, but instead to rip you apart limb from limb in his neverending pursuit for blood and honey."

23) You just won the Lottery. What do you do the next day at work?

Spend all day, answering phones in the lewdest way possible - ask horribly inappropriate questions, etc.

And then i would spike the phone down. And proceed to tell everyone to go fuck themselves. And then I would inform everyone that i would be buying this company shortly. just to run it into the ground.

24) What One Hit Wonder band/artist was deserving of real acclaim?

You know, i'm gonna catch shit for this - but I think Third Eye Blind's self titled album is actually a great lil pop album. The rest of you pretentious fucks can suck my trunkbutt.

25) Do you still believe in the possibilities of wondrous, miraculous things occurring? Magic rings, parallel dimensions, Capital L Love, Monsters, spells, events that transcend space and time? Do you really?

Yes. I think this world is a shitty shitty shitty place. But there's still some corners where the amazing is possible, and the impossible is ordinary.

Glass is Half Empty. No wait...Half Full! No Wait...ah, fuck it. Just Give Me A Drink

(Prompted by an email/article by My Obi-Wan)

Here is an excerpt from Wordsworth's "Ode: Intimations of Immortality":

Whither is fled the visionary gleam?
Where is it now, the glory and the dream?

Though nothing can bring back the hour,
Of splendor in the grass, of glory in the flower,
We will grieve not, rather find
Strength in what remains behind.

This is the flip side to one of my other favorite quotes - from Shannon Wheeler's Too Much Coffee Man:

Remember when we were young: we looked forward to things. I can't WAIT to drive. I can't WAIT to get a boyfriend. I can't WAIT to graduate. Etc., Etc. Now it's remember how great high school was. Or nothing compares to the feeling of first love. Life was so much better back when we were young. Somewhere between anticipation and nostalgia we should have been happy.

Both poems deal with recouping our dreamlives with the lives that involve us pounding the pavement and rotting in cubicles. The promise of the future versus the despair of the present. How far away the simplicity of our past seems when compared to our overcrowded days of adulthood.

On any given day, I agree with one or the other...sometimes both in the same hour. Things got real after college, and it was the cold shock of realizing that adulthood is going to be just as angst ridden and full of annoyances and complications as every other step of the way. Maybe more so as the shadow of protection that family and college and the excuse of youth was ripped away from us.

And some days all I can think is that we are all so fucked. The few people I know that are happy, are happy with an asterisk next to that qualification. They are Happy*. Which is to say, they're happy, but at what price? Usually sanity or their souls, or some other intangible that i should've given up on a long time ago.

Other days, i believe that we're just a bunch Phoenixes (phoenices? whatever.). Right now we're ashes, we've burnt out to a crisp. But the ignition is coming soon, and a blaze will start again.

I don't know.

All i can say for certain is this: Quitting Cigarettes Fucking Sucks.

There. That's all you know, and all ye shall ever need to know.

Now They're Just Fuckin With Us...

I mean, how else do you explain this marketing strategy?


As AICN put it - this looks like Rent as performed by the X-Men. God damn it.

And the Hits...just Keep On Comin'

X-Men: The Last Stand is coming in May. More details are coming out about this lil gem. And with those details, come some great pictures. And with great pictures, comes great responsibility. Like my responsibility to scream THIS LOOKS LIKE THE WORST FUCKING MOVIE EVER MADE EVER!!!! I know people think fanboys like me just want to whine and bitch and complain about something. And they're right. But in this case, I really wanted this movie to be great. X-Men was pretty lame, horribly written (FACTOID: I recently found out that The Infamous "Toad Gets Hit by Lightning" line was written by Joss Whedon. But so was the "You're A Dick" quip), with subpar action and muddling character development. It shit on a lot of comic book law, and wasn't even a good movie on its own (The Magneto vs. Nazis scene was cool, and I did enjoy the introduction to Wolverine).

X2, on the other hand, was fun and fast and engaging, and pretty great for a comic book movie (I would say it's probably the second best comic book movie. The first being The Crow. Glayven). It wasn't completely faithful to the comic books, but worked so well on its own, that any sins were forgiven.

And now this is happening. Why? Why? Haven't us nerds endured enough? The Star Wars prequels? Watching endless number of comic book properties be turned into shitty shitty halfassed movies? Doom? The gentrification of Sam Raimi? Resident Evil? The fingerbanging of Aliens vs. Predator? The tidal wave of shitty J-horror rip offs? And now this. Just look below...for some craptastic images from what could end up being the spark that ignites the Nerd Riots of the 21st century.

Maybe the X-Men movies will be like Star Trek movies, where even numbered ones are really good, and odd numbered ones are perplexing and feel half-realized.

Maybe.

Things get hot and heavy in the backrooms of Best Buy.

"Is that...is that Ram Man?"

"Do you even know where we parked? God dammit, I hate you so much."

"My mutant power is to look frumpy."

"What happens in the Danger Room, stays in the Danger Room. Now, suck it."

"BALLS!"

"Yes, I've seen that commercial where the man works in an office with a bunch of chimps. But I just don't see what that has to do with---Ohhhh. You're a dick."

"I refuse to miss the opening ceremonies of the Winter Olympics. I'm a big time Luge enthusiast. BIG TIME."

"Two Dollars!" OR The Strong Arm of the Girls Scouts

"Do I have Something on My Face?"

Let's turn lemons into lemonade. Caption Contest! Submit your own!

By the Power of Grayskull, Indeed!

I don't think I showed the connection between Vinnie Jones as Juggernaut in X-Men: The Last Stand and Masters of the Universe's Ram Man. Cuz it's rather strong and very blatant.

So here's Ram Man, again:



And here's the toy maquette of Juggernaut, better illustrating what he looks like with the helmet:

Switched at birth?

No one ever says, "I Wanna be a Monkey When I Grow Up"...

Hey, kids! Wanna be like me? No? Not at all? You find that idea the closest approximation to a living form of death?

That's harsh, children. Just plain mean.

Anywhoski, you don't have to be like me. You can be whatever you want to be (except adventurer, treasure hunter, space pirate, regular pirate, superhero, astronaut [get in touch with reality], demon killer, zombie smasher, or vampire slayer). But if you want to get inside of my head a lil bit - here's a list that might shed some light.

Neurotic Monkey's Top 10 Albums of 2005:

10) Caribou, The Milk of Human Kindness
9) Explosions in the Sky, How Strange, Innocence
8) The Go! Team, Thunder, Lightning, Strike!
7) Bonnie "Prince" Billy & Matt Sweeney, Superwolf
6) DangerDoom, The Mouse & The Mask
5) Wolf Parade, Apologies to the Queen Mary
4) Clap Your Hands, Say Yeah!, Clap Your Hands, Say Yeah!
3) Architecture in Helsinki, In Case We Die
2) The Decemberists, Picaresque
1) Sufjan Stevens, Illinois

And, just to fine tune it - here's The Neurotic Monkey's Top 10 Singles of 2005:

10) Antony & The Johnsons, "Hope There's Someone"
9) The White Stripes, "The Denial Twist"
8) Sia, "Breathe Me" (Four Tet Remix)
7) Wolf Parade, "I'll Believe in Anything"*
6) Interpol, "Evil"
5) My Chemical Romance, "Helena" (Great Video, too)
4) Kanye West feat. Jamie Foxx, "Golddigger"
3) The Flaming Lips, "Mr. Ambulance Driver"
2) Sufjan Stevens, "Chicago"
1) Bloc Party, "Banquet"

(*I don't think this was a single, but whatever it's a good song and could easily have been released as such. So suck on that, purists!)

So what do y'all think of my list? What's missing? What shouldn't be on there? Debate, my little jackals - DEBATE!

This is the Last Straw...er, Last Stand.

I give you all a glimpse of the WORLD OF TOMORROW...Today! No seriously. It's official: X3 is now called X-Men: The Last Stand. I always knew that Brett Ratner would have the final word on this movie series, but mainly because he would burn it to the ground and then prematurely bury it alive while the agonizing screams of Fanboys echoes through his shallow, talentless ears. So here's the teaser trailer for the movie. Ugh. God damn it. Firstly, stop trying to jam every single Mutant into this thing. Secondly, Phoenix force is evil, already? And according to the early script reviews and (alleged) early peeks at the flick, so many people just die. Why couldn't I write this thing? Mine would've been great. No, your script wasn't better, Romulox23. I'll see you in ComiCon Hell! God damn it. Anyways here's a bunch of pictures. Enjoy!

(From Top to Bottom: Phoenix, Dark Phoenix, Phoenix & Magneto, Wolverine, Storm, Stacy X & Callisto & Psylocke, Angel, Wolverine & Professor X & Storm & Beast, Colossus & Wolverine & Brett Ratner & Storm & Rogue & Iceman & Shadowcat, Colossus & Rogue, Juggernaut)

(OK - this has been pointed out by everyone - but doesn't Juggernaut remind anyone else of Ram Man, from He-Man? Especially when you see him with his helmet on)

Some Say It's Mystic - It's A Blog Quiz! (Boogie Woogie Woogie) You Can't Resist It - It's A Blog Quiz! (Boogie Woogie Woogie)

Yessir. It's time.

No, not Party Time.

Not Peanut Butter Jelly Time.

Not even Business Time (You know it's Business Time when I'm down to just my socks, that's why they call them Business Socks!).

It's Quiz Time. I'll post my answers at the end of the week. Til then, answer creatively, but most important truthfully. And no more glib wittiness. It gets old, people.

Also, EVERYONE READING THIS should answer. You all know who You are. Start replying.

1) Our President FORBIDS the creation of Animal/Human hybrids (otherwise known as Manimals). If the technology did exist, what Animal would you want to fuse with? Why?

2) Would You Rather Be a Private Detective or an Undercover Cop?

3) If You Could Fight Any Member of Superfriends, who'd it be? Which character would, in fact, be your Super Friend?

4) What song, released in 2005, best sums up YOUR 2005?

5) If you were a superhero - would you have a cape?

6) What's the strangest thing that ever made you cry?

7) Fireworks: Awesome or Awful?

8)Who (one band/musician) would you want to do the soundtrack for your life? Who SHOULD do the soundtrack to your life?

9)Do you remember the first lie you ever told? If so, what was it?

10) If You Could Fight Any Character from Can't Hardly Wait, who'd it be and why? Which character are you most like?

11) Best Adam Sandler movie? (no, it's not an oxymoron)

12) If you had the gift of flight, where would you fly to first?

13) Have you ever known someone who reminded you of a celebrity, BUT that celebrity was pretty awful so you couldn't really tell that person? (For example, someone told me recently that I look like Ray Romano. That was hurtful and should've been kept to herself.) If so, who was the person and who was the celebrity?

14) Would you rather have a sassy teen, sassy robot, or a sassy monkey for a sidekick?

15) What band, TV show, or movie did you hate on for a long time, but then suddenly found yourself completely in love with?

16) Ironic Music Listening: Funny or Tired?

17) If you could bring back a game from your childhood (MASH, Hopscotch, Kickball, Spike, etc), what game would it be? Why?

18) If you had to be trapped inside of any TV show, as a recurring character within that universe, what show would it be? Why?

19) Have you ever written a poem for someone you love?

20) Would you rather be Giant (like Atomic size) or Microscopic?

21) Are Mummies scary? How about Zombies?

22) Write a horoscope for a Muppet Baby.

23) You just won the Lottery. What do you do the next day at work?

24) What One Hit Wonder Band do you think was actually deserve of some real acclaim?

25) Do you still believe in the possibilities of wondrous, miraculous things occurring? Magic rings, parallel dimensions, Capital L Love, Monsters, spells, events that transcend space and time? Do you really?

Answer!

Unleash Nerd Fury!

Hey, y'all. Here's some news in brief:

• I'm Waiting for the (Cable) Man - The internet in my apartment is broken. Awesome. The hits just KEEP on comin'. A repair person will not be available to come and fix it until Monday, February 6th. I never realized how much of a dependency I had worked up for the Internet. Taking a couple hits here, couple hits there; searching sites, emailing at will, surfing the web - even at work! And then I started getting into the heavy stuff - blogging and electronically corresponding with old friends - and I was sunk. But I never noticed my problem, never noticed that Electronic Monkey on my back until I found myself bereft of IM and Ain't It Cool News. Like the wise beyond their hair band Cinderella sings "Don't know what you got, til it's gone". (Sure Joni Mitchell said it before, but whatever; does Joni have hair that rises exactly 2.3 feet from her scalp and a wardrobe comprised entirely by lycra & spandex? I don't think so!) So my activity in the world of the interweb will be very constrained this weekend. How will I place my electronic bets on which commercial will be the funniest? Woe is me! In all seriousness, the Internet provides me with access to write this bullshit your reading, and that really makes me happy and gets my cylinders firing. And i get to read my friends' sublime emails and watch funny little videos - all things that help me detach from the apocalyptic decay that is my life. I want my Internet, please. In the meantime, I'll just jump back on my CB radio - even despite all of the sexual harrassment I receive from those horny, lonely truckers.
• What (buyit) Do You (buyit) Mean By (buyit) Subliminal (buyit) Advertising? - Speaking of "Don't Know What You Got Til It's Gone" by Cinderella, has anyone else felt bombarded by those commercials for "Heavy Ballads"? It's a compilation disc filled with all of the amazing Hair Metal Ballads of the late 80s/early 90s. The music might be shitty and beloved ironically by legions of hipsters, but the commercials are on ALL THE TIME! And the songs are all the same, but they also all get stuck in my head. But unfortunately, all I know is the one or two lines they play in the commercial. So that just gets stuck in a loop goin nonstop in my head - usually in medley form: "Heaven isn't too far away/cuz when the children cry, even though they die/can you take them hiiiiigher?/when every rose has its thorn". And it just plays over and over and over. So i think my only choice is to order the damn CD, if only just so I can play the full song and end this maddening torture. I wonder if this was the type of musical bombardment the US hurled at Noriega in order to get him to break?
• I'm Back, Biatch! (Honk-HONK!) - Guess who's back? Back again? Dave is back, tell a friend - to watch Oprah. Dave Chapelle is on OPRAH today (god I hope they talk about the sketch where he impregnated Ms. Winfrey). And then next week he's on Inside the Actor's Studio with James "Popazao" Lipton. What? I can't wait for Lipton to call Chapelle's turn in Con Air a "resplendent and refreshing look at the incarcerated african-american, which uses equally parts comedy, heart, and bravery to depict his character 'Pinball'". At least we'll finally hear him talk about goin crazy, and his future plans. I've always been a big fan of the burnout in the burnout v. fade away debates, so I respect Dave's decision to walk away before it got lame. But why is he talking now? What could possibly prompt him to feel so open and ready to express his feelings and expose his inner demons? Maybe it helps that he has a movie, Block Party, opening soon (March 3, 2006). Check out the trailer here. It looks like it could be a fun ride - not the craziest fan of Talib Kweli these days, or Dead Prez. But at least Pras is back. Right? Right? Poor Pras. I just love that Michel Gondry apparently said to himself - "Why continue to make films that are visually interesting and innovative? To Brooklyn!" Fuck it - I'll probably go see this movie. Chapelle, Gondry, and Mos Def? All right, all right.
• NerdTeam....ASSEMBLE!!!! In the coming weeks you're goin to notice a few changes around here. Specifically, some new voices. I've invited 3 of my amigos to start contributing to this blog. So give them a chance, and then rip them to shreds. This doesn't mean I'll post any less, or that I'm punting off the work. And luckily there's no fanbase to offend with this crazy move to diversify. Anyways, a change is comin to this blog - and it ain't never gonna be the same again!
• It's Come to This? - To all of my loyal and faithful readers out there...(cricket sounds). Okay, to anyone accidentally stumbling upon this site looking for that hilarious clip of the chimp smoking - Does anyone know when Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang will be released on DVD? Thus far, no news on that front at all. Bupkus. So if anyone has any inkling - it would be appreciated. Graci!
• Once Again Loki, the Practical Jokester God, Pulls the Chair Out of a Potentially Hilarious Situation - So the Republicans elected a new House Majority Leader to take over for the scandal ridden DeLay. They needed someone that would rid the party of any hint of impropriety. So they went with a guy named Boehner. Which is hilarious - on paper. In real life, the guy's name is pronounced "Bayner". Dammit! So close! Eventually we will just have Senator Douchebag and Representative DonkeyPunch. Til then...But on a bright note of irony and unintentional comedy - during the voting for the new leader, there was a voting irregularity where the number of ballots was more than the number of republicans in the senate. So in a vote to reestablish the Ethical Mandate of the Republican Party - someone tried to cheat. Beautiful. Just beautiful.
• Two for the Fam - So my sister and dad both sent me jokes recently. I thought I'd give them a lil time on my (oh so secret) blog. Here they are, with my sister's first, then my father's shared moment of glee. Maybe you'll understand my background a lil better.
  
  (1) A man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says: "Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."
  His girlfriend is lying in bed and replies: "I think you'll find that's a sheep, you idiot."
  The man says: "I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you."
  
  (2) A New York family of baseball supporters headed out one Saturday to shop for the youngest boy's birthday. While in the sports shop the son picks up a Red Sox jersey and says to his older sister, "I've decided to become a Red Sox fan and I would like this Boston jersey for my birthday."
  His big sister is outraged by this and promptly whacks him upside his head and says, "Go talk to mother."
  Off goes the little lad with the jersey in hand and finds his mother.
  "Mom?"
  "Yes, son?"
  "I've decided I'm going to be a Red Sox fan and I would like this
  jersey for my birthday."
  The mother is outraged at this, promptly whacks him around the head and says, "Go talk to your father!"
  Off he goes with the Red Sox jersey in hand and finds his father.
  "Dad?"
  "Yes, son?"
  "I've decided I'm going to be a Red Sox fan and I would like this jersey for my birthday."
  The father is outraged and promptly whacks his son in the back of his head and says, "No son of mine is ever going to be seen in THAT!"
  About half an hour later they're all back in the car and heading towards home. The father turns to his son and says, "Son, I hope you've learned something today?"
  The son says, "Yes, Dad, I have."
  "Good son, what is it?"
  The son replies, "I've only been a Red Sox fan for an hour and I already hate you Yankee bastards."
  
• It's The Final Countdown...Okay, it's Going to Be One in A Lifetime Series of Final Countdowns - I'm quitting cigarettes. Yup. I know. Don't worry, I've done it before. I'll do it again. But I'm on my last pack. And come the close of Sunday evening - as Steelers fans worldwide begin their litany of boasting and annoying the shit out of everyone until people wish very serious injuries to befall professional Sgt. Slaughter look-a-like Bill Cower - i will be a smoker no more. I feel like I'm breaking up with a girlfriend. A devoted, loving, supportive girlfriend who is slowly killing me and leeching away my money. So, it's like most of my relationships. HI-YO! But it's time for me to end it. So I can start feeling better, and stop pissing money away on $8 packs of cancer. I'm already paying so much for cancer in my Cell Phone, not to mention the Microwave in my apartment that is perched dangerously at Groin level. Anyways, Au Revoir Les Cigarettes. I'll miss you. (See you in about 7 months or so.)
• Random Question - If someone's a Lactard, does that mean they have an eating disorder? Or more importantly, can they CLAIM to have an eating disorder?
• So That's Why They Tell Me Not To Try This Crap At Home - Did anyone catch The Daily Show last night? Where Dan Bakkedal tried to fit his whole fist into his mouth? Immediately following (actually during) that segment, my roommate and I both attempted it. He got about 96% of his fist into his piehole, while my piehole could only take about 82% of my fist. You know what they say about Big Hands...how only an idiot would try and fit them into his mouth? Well it's true. Are we the only morons who actually tried this imitatable act? Anyone else? Also - the entire time I was flashing on that episode in Cheers where Kirstie Alley fits her fist in her mouth, and then writes a note asking for someone to call a doctor cuz she couldn't get it out. Good times. How has no one used that footage in the service of a fat joke? For shame, TV's late night talk show hosts. For shame.
• Now I see the Power of the Darkside - All right. I've given in. I want an iPod. There? You happy? You broke me! I want an iPod. Why did I resist? Cuz a) I have no money, and 2) I think iPods are going to be the end of albums as we know it. Since music downloads are at an all time high, and there's more money to be made in them than in CDs (no cost of production). Also, through downloads, you can select specific songs and specific orders for those songs - not neccessarily how the artist designs it. I think digital music means the rise of the single. I don't think it'll wipe out CDs or albums completely, but it will change the format and the way music is made, marketed, and distributed that will alter its face for a while to come. Also, I like the nerdy acoutrements of a CD. The album art. The lyrics. The liner notes - if any exists. I like these physical remnants. That this music doesn't just occupy time, but also a physical space. But, like i said, no me rikey iPod, and so I shall be getting one forthwith.
• Apparently...I'm..Retarded. So There's That - I don't get the hubbub over Battlestar Galactica. I mean, I got the first 2 seasons on DVD, and I'm watching it slowly. But I just don't get it. I think Tricia Helfer (No. 6) is really hot, and Grace Park is gorgeous, and there's some funny moments - but what the hell is the big deal? They always have to make a tense decision between two options, they choose one, and then it all works out...for now! I'm on episode 7 or so. Maybe it gets better? Honestly, someone throw me a bone. I do really like Gaius, the crazy doctor who is tormented by visions/ghost/program of Number 6 in his head. That's just good TV. I also really want Adama (Edward James Almos) to eventually turn to his son, Apollo, point to his face, and say "One day this'll happen to you, too. I used to be beautiful!" So either this show's overrated, or I'm a complete Corky. Maybe the two aren't mutually exclusive.
• Throw the Jew Down the Well: The Movie? - So, evidently, there's a Borat movie a-comin'. Yeah, I had no idea, either. Anyways - here's a positive review of a test screening. Enjoy, and watch how many nerds call the writer a Plant. Outstanding!
• What Am I Listening to: Antony & the Johnsons, I am A Bird Now; Sufjan Stevens, Illinoise; Coheed & Cambria, In Keeping Secrets of Silent Earth: 3; Coheed & Cambria, Good Apollo, I'm Buring Star IV, Volume 1 : From Fear through The Eyes of Madness (whew); Oh No! Oh My! "Walk in the Park"; Oh No! Oh My!, "I Have a Sister"; Film School, "Pitfalls"'; Interpol, Turn on the Bright Lights; M83, Dead Cities, Red Seas, & Lost Ghosts; John Coltrane, Blue Train; Asheru, "Boondocks Theme Song".
• What Am I Looking At: Battlestar Galactica; Real World/Road Rules Challenge: The Gauntlet 2 (Mega Yawn. Bring back The Miz and VolTRon!); Miller's Crossing; The Office; My Name is Earl; Project Runway (yay, Chloe! See ya, crybaby!); Distraction (I don't think they really pee on command to answer questions...how very tragic. It's like Quiz Show, only grosser); Basketball (I'm as surprised as you); Jeopardy!; State of the Union; The Daily Show; The Colbert Report; Aeon Flux: The Complete Series; The 40 Year Old Virgin; Oldboy.
• Thought for the Weekend: The 11 o'clock news is leading off with a story about you - what's the headline?

I Guess It's Just Not Our Time...Yet

Some news from www.ign.com that's very close to my heart. In an interview with director Richard Donner, here's what he had to say about Goonies 2:



IGNFF: A Goonies sequel has been discussed for years. I know you've gotten this question a million ways over the years, but the fans just want to know if there is still any hope. Do you think it could ever happen?

DONNER: We tried. No, I don't think so. We tried really hard. Steven and I, we pitched a couple of things to them and, quite honestly, they weren't right. And we put it aside. If I could ever find a really good handle on a screenplay for it, I'd go pitch it again, because talking about [something] I'd want to see… It's extraordinary. But it's got to be right, or don't do it, because I couldn't believe that movie. It's done to generations of kids what it's done.


IGNFF: I've shown Goonies to young kids recently, around 7 and 8 years old and they loved it. They watched it and were totally enraptured. They kept the DVD and watched it over and over.

DONNER: Awww.

IGNFF: Now they love to quote Chunk.

DONNER: You know, I still stay in touch with these kids. Chunk's a lawyer and he's great. Cory, he's doing great. He went through some s***, but he's really pulled himself out and he's clean and married and has a baby and he's the happiest kid. They're all good, they're all great. I love that movie. That's probably my favorite process of filmmaking in my life. I've fallen in love with all those kids. I was lucky because I never had kids. I never wanted kids. I wanted dogs. If I could come up with a really great concept, I would take it to Steven. And if it was really right, he'd know it too. Maybe one day Chris Columbus will write it for us and we'll get back to the old group.

***

Chunk's a lawyer? And Donner still calls him Chunk? Huh.

STATE OF THE UNION: Fuck Joementum!!

Remember in junior high and high school when the Principal would make a speech at a school assembly, and people would cough the word "douchebag" at him, or else just blatantly scream out "You Suck"?

Why don't the Democrats have the testicular fortitude of high school students?

Instead they display that most powerful tool of WASP-y resistance - they don't stand and clap. And when they did clap, it was in a smug and sarcastic manner. Except for Lieberman, who's a douchebag that agrees with everything evil in this country (FUN FACT: Whenever Lieberman talks, he always sounds like Droopy trying to pass a kidney stone!).

Last night's State of the Union was depressing on so many levels. Let's start off chronologically, shall we?

-Reporters can't CONJECTURE on what they think the President will be speaking about. Guess what? The White House releases an advance copy of the speech every year. And sure, there's always a chance that the President will go rogue and actually speak off the cuff, sincerely stating his opinions, fears, and hopes with the nation....hahahaha, I'm just fuckin with you. That'll never happen.

-When the President came in, flanked by the Party Leaders of Congress, did anyone think of Wormtongue (Brad Dourif) from Lord of the Rings as Bill Frist huddled by the Commander in Chief? "He'ssssssss very tired; thessssse are all enemiessss of the sssstate. Lissssten only to meeeee." To be fair, I bet Wormtongue didn't think you can get HIV/AIDS from sweat & tears like DR. Frist.

-If I was in this Congress, when the President passed by me, and tried to shake my hand - I would do 1 of 2 things: 1) Either pull the old timey pull hand away quickly and inform President Bush that he was, in fact, "Too Slow". 2) Shake his hand vigorously, with a huge smile, and say as pleasantly as possible: "Your Mother Sucks Cocks in Hell".

-Let's get one thing straight - Bipartisanship and Debate mean that people will disagree. You can't start off trying to play the great mediator (Does anyone even know who Henry Clay is anymore?) with these words:

In a system of two parties, two chambers and two elected branches, there will always be differences and debate. But even tough debates can be conducted in a civil tone, and our differences cannot be allowed to harden into anger. To confront the great issues before us, we must act in a spirit of good will and respect for one another, and I will do my part. Tonight the state of our union is strong, and together we will make it stronger.

And then going on into this bit:

Yet there is a difference between responsible criticism that aims for success, and defeatism that refuses to acknowledge anything but failure. Hindsight alone is not wisdom. And second guessing is not a strategy.
With so much in the balance, those of us in public office have a duty to speak with candor.

Unless your opinion disagrees with mine. Bush's rules for political dialogue follow the idiom, "If you don't have anything nice to say, then don't say anything at all." It's good we're taking lessons on civil political debate from Dear Abby. The real bitch of it, though, is that he is partially right. I agree with his condemnation of the Democrats who simply say "This didn't work! He's a failure! Boo this man!" and then have no answer as to what they would do differently. "Um, pull out?" Just sit down, idiot.

-Then came this little gem:

Members of Congress, however we feel about the decisions and debates of the past, our nation has only one option. We must keep our word, defeat our enemies and stand behind the American military in this vital mission.

So if you disagreed with what I promise, it's too late! You gotta support that promise now! This is also the plot of Wayne's World 2, for those unfamiliar with politics/Mike Meyer's ouevre. Basically Wayne promises a huge event, Waynestock, one that transcends time, generations, and all expectations of previously held concerts. But of course these promises were made out of desperation and false ideology, and in the hopes of keeping Christopher Walken away from Tia Carrere. So then Wayne has to scramble to assemble some sort of a concert, and everyone that bought tickets to Wayne's show on these false promises stares blankly at an empty stage. Then Aerosmith came and saved the day. I guess my point is that, Mr. President - it's time to call Steven Tyler.

-During all of this, Bush has been making dark references to the Enemy. Apparently, the Enemy wants to use fear to control us, and will do anything to take away our freedom and liberties. Hmm...a powerful person who uses fear to control what we think, how we feel, and how we live our lives...and is willing to trample on the freedoms and civil liberties of American citizens....I wonder who this Enemy is? Huh. Sounds familiar. Like on the tip of my tongue. Oh well. Guess we'll never know. Go get those Terrorloving Fearspreaders, Mr. President! (I said the same thing last night on the phone, so I'm sure he's heard it by now)

-Ready for the catch phrase of the Republicans during the midterm elections? "...We will not sit back and wait to be hit again." Yup, that's why we tapped your phones! To protect you! Cuz if anyone knows what's best for you, it's the power drunk senior citizenry who spend their days golfing and dining on your dollar, and then at night plow many an underage hooker while proclaiming their love of Jesus. Their fingers are right on the pulse. Thanks, Congress! And did I say "your dollar"? CORRECTION - whoever will give them money (rhymes with Mabramoff).

-So I counted about 8-10 different initiatives, programs, and commissions the President wants to start up. How will this help cut down our staggering, Andre the Giant-esque deficit? "Ummm..." Okay, okay. Let's move on - at least with all of these new programs and a war going on (not to mention the upcoming Iraq War 2: Iranian Boogaloo), taxes will be raised, right? "Well...you see..." Okay. Well, I mean we're going to have to get money somehow. "This year, my budget will cut it again and reduce or eliminate more than 140 programs that are performing poorly or not fulfilling essential priorities. By passing these reforms, we will save the American taxpayer another $14 billion next year and stay on track to cut the deficit in half by 2009." Oh what programs? Oh a bunch of education programs, including federal scholarships to college? Yeah, that totally jives with your whole idea of being remembered as the "education president".

-If I was in Congress, and I disagreed with what the President was saying, I would DEFINITELY start up a chant of "Buuuuuuullshit, Buuuuuuuuullshit". Or at least have a sign that said "What a Dick!" on it that I would hold up to a camera periodically.

-America is Addicted to Oil. The man's right. We're also addicted to nicotine, crystal meth, Lost, making bad choices, alcohol, McDonald's, celebrity gossip, crack, cell phones, football, iPods, porn, Oprah, Gwen Stefani's "Hollaback Girl" (we're slowly on the mend from that one), gambling, college basketball, sex, and American Idol. One day at a time, everyone. One day at a time.

-I think the fucker can say "nuclear". I really do. I think he chooses to say "nucular" cuz it makes him sound like an old-timey good ole boy who ain't got no learnin', but man does he got some great horse sense. And that just pisses me off. I would love it, though, if Bush in repose and away from the cameras actually speaks like Thurston Howell III, and then goes into his Blue Collar Comedy Tour routine whenever it's time to meet the press. "Oh dearest me, I suppose I simply must conduct myself properly in this dreadful Fox News interview. Oh well, enough prevaricating around the bush....Howdy, y'all!"

-This is just stupid:

Tonight I propose to train 70,000 high school teachers to lead Advanced Placement courses in math and science, bring 30,000 math and science professionals to teach in classrooms and give early help to students who struggle with math, so they have a better chance at good high-wage jobs.

It begs the question, if 70,000 teachers have no one in their class, are they really teaching anyone? Honestly, it's not the inabilities of the teachers - we have dumb kids. And having some teachers who can teach a bunch of mongoloids Advance Placement classes, is simply not gonna work. Although it would make for the basis of a hilarious sitcom. Or at least Summer School 2: Advanced MISplacement. Good luck, teachers! Enjoy getting the blame when all of this blows up in our face!

-Is Bruce Villanch writing for the president now? "Wise policies such as welfare reform, drug education and support for abstinence and adoption have made a difference in the character of our country." Obviously not, cuz this shit actually made me laugh out loud. None of the programs work. None of them. They've been proven, in fact, to be detrimental. Fuckin hilarious! And this is on a tangent, but STOP WEARING THOSE FUCKING T-SHIRTS, BRUCE! No wonder the Enemy hates us so much - you embody everything horrible, mediocre, and ultimately malignant about our contry. You're a walking bumper sticker in dire need of a horrific fender bender.

-Holy Crap. Does this mean what I think it means?

Tonight I ask you to pass legislation to prohibit the most egregious abuses of medical research, human cloning in all its forms, creating or implanting embryos for experiments, creating human-animal hybrids, and buying, selling or patenting human embryos.

Lizard men? Manimals? A race of atomic super beasts with the brute strength of gorillas but the cunning and reasoning of Man? Why have I heard nothing about this until the President broke the story? Or is this actually not based on any sort of fact, but the President watched Return of Swamp Thing last night and was creeped out by the idea of a Half-Wasp/Half-Human abomination?

-Can't fault him for this:

A hopeful society acts boldly to fight diseases like H.I.V./AIDS which can be prevented and treated and defeated. More than a million Americans live with H.I.V., and half of all AIDS cases occur among African-Americans. I ask Congress to reform and reauthorize the Ryan White Act and provide new funding to states, so we end the waiting lists for AIDS medicine in America. We will also lead a nationwide effort, working closely with African-American churches and faith-based groups, to deliver rapid H.I.V. tests to millions, end the stigma of AIDS and come closer to the day when there are no new infections in America.

-Oh, and none of this is historically accurate or fairly presented.

Yet the destination of history is determined by human action, and every great movement of history comes to a point of choosing. Lincoln could have accepted peace at the cost of disunity and continued slavery. Martin Luther King could have stopped at Birmingham or at Selma and achieved only half a victory over segregation. The United States could have accepted the permanent division of Europe and been complicit in the oppression of others.

So it's good that our President only gleans history lessons from episodes of "Sherman & Mr. Peabody".

And then it ends with the obligatory "God Bless America". And fuck everyone else! To be fair, we do need all the blessings we can muster. Besides, we've always been Jesus' favorite - deal with it, Lichtenstein!

The democratic response was pretty much a passive aggressive, snivelling "With all due respect, no offense or nothing, but we can do better. Somehow." And all it really did was highlight reasons why everyone should move to Virginia. Just once I want the Oppositional Response to be the same as Joe Pesci's opening arguments from My Cousin Vinny:

"Ladies and Gentlemen - everything that guy just said is bullshit. Thank you."

Oh well, what's the state of YOUR union? And can you believe this pre-empted...wait, what the hell is even on at 9pm on Tuesday?

Hollaback! (I guess I'm off the wagon)