Give This Man Some Money!

And people say originality is dead. I say to those detractors -- Pshaw!

Of special note is that he doesn't appear to be too angry for his family's slaughter at the hands of the capable and cunning ninjas. Nor does he appear like a brooding fella who's dwelling on vengeance. Need proof? Well, few revenge fixated people look so jolly with a smile on their face. Also, I don't know that many people in mourning who decorate signs with Smiley faces.

And if there's one thing we all know: Emoticons don't lie.

Seriously, people will always reward beggars and panhandlers for showing some originality. So bravo, Victim of Ninja Violence -- bravo. I celebrate you, and mourn your loss beside you.

I happen to know this guy, and he DID get the money for kung fu lessons, and he DID end up avenging his family. They later adapted his story for the screen and turned it into a movie. Of course, it being Hollywood, they had to change everything around and screw it all up. Nonetheless, you are looking at the man who's the basis for White Chicks. Give it up, people. Give it up.


Special shout out of gratitude goes to the newly resurrected Matty H; the details of your demise were greatly exagerrated.

The End of Days (Brought to You by the T-Mobile Sidekick)

It's no secret that I love me some Real World/Road Rules Challenge. I can't quite explain why. Maybe it's the intellectual in me that sees some sort of sociological and psychological effects that media and media awareness is having on my generation. Or maybe it's the lame athletic spectator in me who likes to be entertained by athletic expositions but can't remember stats to save his life, and also is kind of a drama queen at heart. Maybe it's my misanthropic anarchist side who watches this show as further evidence that society is unraveling, that people are becoming caricatures and soulless, and this show exemplifies all of those hideous qualities. However, it's more likely that I simply enjoy watching neurotic and psychotic people get drunk, compete against each other, and hold screaming matches as if they are battling over who gets to use the see-saw next. Also, some of the girls are pretty dang hot (Hellooooo, Jamie).

I'm a snob about most things in life; I try not to be, but it's just how I am. It's one of my dark and more hideous sides to my personality. For example, I abhor The Da Vinci Code and anything written by John Grisham post The Client; I think According to Jim, Still Standing, Yes Dear and a bevy (a whole bevy!) of sitcoms -- i.e. all of UPN's primetime line up -- are the work of a retarded and cruel God; if you play 50 Cent, Dixie Chicks, or Avril Lavigne near me, there's a high possibility I will punch you. That being said, I do have my guilty pleasures (some of which were revealed in this post). And amongst those sad indulgences, I believe that the guiltiest of pleasures is the Real World/Road Rules Challenge.

For those not in the know, the current Real World/Road Rules Challenge is entitled Real World/Road Rules Challenge: Inferno II; and the teams are split up into the Good Guys versus the Bad Asses. Yes, it's silly and pretty ridiculous. And I didn't think anything of it -- it's just another hook to get the viewers intrigued, and also to group people together in a new and (Seemingly But Not really) clever way. So, I thought it was all just innocent standard TV fluff.

Until tonight.

Tonight's Inferno (which is where two members of the opposing teams face each other in a challenge, with the loser being eliminated and evicted from the proceedings) pitted Veronica (uberbitch skank) against Jodi (who, amongst other crimes including spelling her name with just an "i" at the end, is a kind of a spastic crybaby). Veronica won, Jodi lost, then Jodi wept like a little baby; business as usual.

But then, after Veronica has vanquished the weak and weepy Jodi, the producers put in this little interview soundbite from Veronica, which to paraphrase (my RW/RR stenographer has the week off) went something like this:

"This just goes to show all the Good Guys out there: You think you'll win in the end, but you won't." (Editor's Note: Just rewatched the episode and Veronica actually says "This is for all you Good Guys out there, y'all think you're gonna finish first this time: it's ain't gonna happen, it ain't gonna happen.")

Sure, this may seem like an innocuous quote from a ditzy slut who could go a few rounds of the man juice taste test (I.E., she's swallowed a lot of semen). But then I thought about what her quote essentially was saying which is that "Evil Will Prevail". And that's when my mind went a reeling and a rolling. Bear with me here, but what if JUST WHAT IF this was Armageddon?

People are obsessed with the end of the world; all religions have a theory about how the world will end -- Ragnarok, Judgment Day, Skynet annihilates humanity, etc. Meanwhile, in the modern world, apocalyptic storylines are selling really well; just check out how much bank the Left Behind dudes are making, or how NBC is now airing a miniseries about the final dance betwixt J.C. and the Prince of Darkness (not Ozzy) named Revelations. But while all the religious hysteria is swarming about and people are looking for Virgins in underpasses and the Devil in the Courtroom, what if our eternal fates were being decided on one of the shittiest and cattiest reality TV shows ever?

MTV has set up a theoretical (and theological) battle between two forces -- one deemed "Good" (which, judging by the roster, is a relative term) and the other "Bad" (also relative -- I mean, Dan is bitchy, but is he bad?). What happens if Bad emerges victorious? What does this spell for our nation and for our immortal souls? I'll tell you what -- hellfire, damnation, and an eternity of looking at Rachel, the scary shiny lesbian.

This is why I've placed the Good Guys to win; sure, they're not the smartest, or coolest, or...really any sort of superlative which would help them win. But they may very well be humanity's last chance for salvation. Also, they were the only team with two devout (once again, relative term) Christians in their squadron.

So in the Miz's name I shall pray...and please, Jamie, deliver us from CT, for thine is the kingdom, the Life Saver, and the glory forever.

Or at least until the reunion special.

Take it, Fanboys! Take it right up the arse!*

Do you hear that, fellow geeks, deranged nerds, and twisted dorks everywhere? That's the sound of your childhood being pissed on. That's a picture of Brandon Routh as Superman in the upcoming, and newest, movie version of the icon as directed by Bryan Singer.

Seriously, the "S" is tiny. Is Superman trying to be subtle? Cuz when I think man in blue tights flying around a city and throwing cars, I think "tone it down".

I know a bunch of my nerdy compadres will offer up X-Men movies' costume changes. But that's different. They took a completely different and realistic approach.

But this...this looks like something one of my friends would have made before attending a Comic Book Convention. Drawing a tiny S on your chest, wearing a matching belt, and dyeing your underoos does not a hero make.

It's all uphill from here, Bryan Singer. Don't Schumacher this.

Oh -- and Matthew Vaughn, the director of X-Men 3, has said in this interview that the tone will be like Unforgiven, and Vinnie Jones is being cast as Juggernaut. So it sounds like next year is gonna be banner fuckin year for disappointment.

(the pic is from www.moviepoopshoot.com, but it's been printed everywhere)

*Not intended as a gay joke. But if it's funny to you that way, I say go for it.

The Sick Boy Theory in Motion

Sick Boy: It's certainly a phenomenon in all walks of life.
Renton: What do you mean?
Sick Boy: Well, at one time, you've got it, and then you lose it, and it's gone forever. All walks of life: George Best, for example. Had it, lost it. Or David Bowie, or Lou Reed...
Renton: Some of his solo stuff's not bad.
Sick Boy: No, it's not bad, but it's not great either. And in your heart you kind of know that although it sounds all right, it's actually just shite.
Renton: So who else?
Sick Boy: Charlie Nicholas, David Niven, Malcolm McLaren, Elvis Presley...
Renton: OK, OK, so what's the point you're trying to make?
Sick Boy: All I'm trying to do is help you understand that The Name of The Rose is merely a blip on an otherwise uninterrupted downward trajectory.
Renton: What about The Untouchables?
Sick Boy: I don't rate that at all.
Renton: Despite the Academy Award?
Sick Boy: That means fuck all. The sympathy vote.
Renton: Right. So we all get old and then we can't hack it anymore. Is that it?
Sick Boy: Yeah.
Renton: That's your theory?
Sick Boy: Yeah. Beautifully fucking illustrated.


The preceding bit is from Trainspotting, and is a conversation between Sick Boy and Renton ostensibly about the declining worth of Sick Boy's idol, Sean Connery. But of course they're also talking about how growing up/growing old is just another form of decay.

Sick Boy's theory has been on my mind a lot. Everywhere I turn, I'm confronted by another person, or group, or artist who is a mere shell of what he/she/they/it once were. The first Beacon of Light that slowly faded away (that I was conscious of) was The Simpsons. Alas, poor Simpsons; I knew them, Reader. A show of such infinite jest, that hath bore me on its yellowed back a countless number of times, allowing me to use quotes from the show as icebreakers and giant flags allerting fellow nerds that i'm one of their tribe. Presently, the show has been laid to waste as lame, contrived, cliched, redundant; it's become a lumbering dinosaur that is simply not funny.

Whenever I tried to explain to people my feelings on the current state of affairs in Springfield, I would use this analogy: The Simpsons is a friend, a person you grew up with and loved and laughed with, and is partly responsible for your current world view, and for who you are today. But in recent years, your friend has taken a turn for the worse, and has been diagnosed with a deblitating and, ultimately, fatal disease. Now, here is where the quandary is introduced: On the one hand, you wish to remain with your friend, be loyal to him, stay by the bedside and always watch over him, even when things are at their worst. On the other hand, this is not how you want to remember your friend: some feeble, weak, barely conscious husk, a shadow of its former self. You want to remember the good times, the funny times, and not have those memories sullied and forever replaced with these new, more depressing visions before you. So what do you do? What do you do?

Take out the hostage.

But the ironic joke inherent in the Sick Boy/Renton diatribe is that while this may be Sick Boy's overarching theory, it is an obvious fact of life to everybody else. Everyone knows that as you get older, you start to lose that indefinable IT. It just happens. Sure, maybe you become a better person, or a wiser person, or a better lover, or a more proficient guitar player, or a kickass Pictionary plaer, but whatever mystical aura that once defined you, that certain French "I-Don't-Know-What"ness about yourself is slowly dying. Another example of this type of problem is the burn out vs. fade away exit (as most eloquently put by Jack Black in High Fidelity).

What truly has irked me of late is whether or not people know they are losing it/have lost it. For example, to continue the animated tv show theme, South Park: while still a funny show, South Park has definitely plateaued at just being "good". Now considering that 98% of what's on TV is crap, "Good" is relatively Great. But still...one wishes that it could somehow recapture whatever hilarity, gruesomeness, and satirical absurdity that the show once produced. But do the creators, Trey Parker & tailcoat rider extraordinaire Matt Stone, know that the show, and themselves in turn, are losing "it"? Are they cognizant of how the show has entered a downward spiral?

Personally, I liked Beck's latest album, Guero. However, many reviewers (and my friends/fellow music snobs) have said that Beck is no longer producing anything new/good. He's stalled out and repeating himself, they object abjectly! They are, after a fashion, accusing the musical wunderkind of losing "it". Does Beck see this happening? Does he recognize that his audio trailblazing days are drawing to a close?

Obviously, the question that is implicit in all of this is thus: Would YOU (of course by "you" I mean "me") recognize if your work/art started to suffer? Would you stop one day and simply say to yourself, "My god. What happened to me? What have I become?"

I honestly believe that no one really does anything thinking it's horrible. For example, I despise the Bush Administration. I believe many of their policies and tenets are archaic, dangerous, and horribly biased towards a very specific group of people in this country. HOWEVER, I don't think, in my heart of hearts, that Bush believes his plans and his actions are evil. He honestly believes he's doing the right thing, and the only place the President and myself differ is that his definition of "the right thing" is the Bizarro version of my own. This goes for artists, as well -- as long as they aren't simply out to collect a check or feed a drug habit, most artists truly believe that whatever they are producing will be great. Which means that even when sitting at the console in the production studio, REO Speedwagon believed in their albums. The same with Pink Floyd. Radiohead. Duran Duran. Journey. Whitesnake. The Band. All of them. Sometimes they're right. Sometimes they're wrong, and then we all have to pay the price (Exhibit A: Garth Brooks's "Chris Gaines" fiasco; Exhibit B: Wilson-Phillips entire body of work*).

So, there's no real good summary here. I don't know what to tell people. Um, stop losing "IT"? Or...don't grow up? Or if you know you suck, simply walk away? I don't know what the solution is, all I know is that I'm getting tired of having to ignore so many of my "sickly friends", and I'm sick of praying to the Creative Gods above to somehow fix them for good.

If you would permit me to use a nerdy avenue in order to come to some sort of conclusion. No? Well fuck you, I'm goin to anyway:

When I was a kid I read and reread and read again Lloyd Alexander's Chronicles of Prydain. They are these great nerdy fantasy books for preteens based on Welsh mythology. They also had these little bits of wisdom that have stuck with me, for nerdy good or pathetic ill. In the second book, entitled The Black Cauldron (glayven), the book ends with two characters essentially betraying who they once were. A formerly great man, Morgant, turns traitor and tries to destroy his friends and allies, while the selfish and egoistic Prince Ellidyrr commits the ultimate sacrifice for people he used to disdain. At the conclusion, Prince Gwydion states that he's going to erect statues in honor of both men, which confuses the protagonist. Gwydion explains:
"I shall honor Morgant...for what he used to be, and Ellidyr...for what he became."

Maybe that's all of us popcult nerds have. I mean, if there's one thing Nerds value and trade in, it's Nostalgia. We can romanticize anything, and yet we are also the quickest to cut down our once great heroes (I implicate myself in that statement. Fuck you, Lucas!) Perhaps all we can do, for our "sickly friends" and heroes abroad in the popcult stratosphere, is to focus on those great moments when they seemed like they were communicating on a higher plane and speaking pure unadulterated truth, in some form or another. We should be thankful that we're permitted to ever have "IT", even for a second. And if we accept that IT is a transitory property, like a lightning bug's glow while it flutters in a mason jar, then we can truly enjoy the bright brilliant flashes, with no mind being paid for the uncertain and ultimately dark path the future winds before us.


*Notice I didn't make any "Carnie Wilson is fat" jokes. Even though there are so many! But I'll refrain. Seriously...pure fat joke heaven in my head right now.

A New Captain EO for a New Millenium

Believe it or not...that's Jaleel White.

AKA Urkel.

Yep it is. Shout out to www.gofugyourself.com for having this photo and for being one of the funniest sites ever.

Seriously though -- he looks like he ransacked Lando Calrissian's wardrobe, and then danced the night away to Michael Jackson's Off the Wall.

And just think -- we get to see what his older counterpart, Balky (Bronson Pinchot), has become when he appears in the new season of The Surreal Life.

Poor bastards, the lot of them.


PS Did you know Francis Ford Coppola directed Captain EO? And Anjelica Huston was in it? The fuck? So Jackson got Martin Scorsese for Bad, Coppola for Captain EO, and John Landis for Thriller and Black & White. Although, whoever directed "Remember the Time" should be shot in the kneecaps -- or just severely lectured to for a couple of hours.

Se7enth Inning Stretch

I just figured it out. Flash bang whiz, it hit me!

Now I know why people like Baseball so much! Or rather, I can better explain the popularity of the game.

I am (at best and most generously referred to as) a casual fan of the sport. I root for the Red Sox due to familial and geographical obligations, more than any vested interests. Although I do really hate the Yankees. That's not a manufactured emotion or sentiment -- I just believe they are a good example of all that is wrong & soulless in the world. But that's just one man's (probably ill-informed) opinion.

For a quick edification -- I'm a person tailored made for the Yankees/Red Sox rivalry, only cuz I was raised on movies. For years the relationship between the two broke down thusly: The Red Sox are the perfect scrappy underdogs -- they hadn't won for a long time, they didn't have any real stars, they were a rag tag bunch of self-labeled "idiots". Then there's the polished superstars of the Yankees, clearly the villains in this piece. They're cocky, well known, the favorites, have a lot of money, and seem to constantly beat and embarrass the Red Sox. That's why last year's defeat of the Yankees and World Series title for the Sox is so funny -- because, as Steven Wright says, "If it was a movie, it would've been a bad movie. No one would've believed it." Unfortunately, I was primarily raised on movies and comic books due to my horrible athletic abilities and asthmatic setbacks, both a clear indication of God giving my father the Divine Middle Finger in terms of genetics. This meant not only did I not participate in sports, but I grew to not really care about them (most, anyways. God bless you, Curling!). This really wasn't that quick of an edification, was it? Well bite me.

Overall, I find the sport of baseball boring, and slow, and pretty lame. The action is so limited and takes so long to happen, it's a wonder that it's called our national pastime. For Christ's Sake, our Nation's capital finally got a baseball team there after an absence of 30+ years! Personally, my vote for national pastime will always be to either Assassination or Football.

(How about this for a metaphor for America: A group of men, all from various walks of life, come together to fight out in one game using only brute force and strategy all for the hope of winning and eventually getting more recognition and money, while risking permanent injury and embarrasment. The fact that is happens to bring in huge amounts of money and tends to occur on a the highest holy day of the week for Christians also adds to my argument. And women are relegated to looking pretty and forcing smiles in hopes of coming out with a victory. That's the America I know and love! Also I think there's some correlation between the president and John Madden, though I'm not sure yet. God Bless You, NFL.)

But tonight, I had the watershed moment. My father and I spoke a little bit, and suddenly I was peering through the looking glass.

Tonight, my dad went to the Red Sox/Yankees game at Fenway where the Sox ended up beating the Yanks 8-5, and Sheffield got in a bit of a skirmish with some fans in right field. He then came home and we spoke, where he told me that he had a beer, which is unusual for my father -- he doesn't care for beer, but he does like foods prepared in beer (bratwurst, beer battered fried foods, etc. oh the rich tapestry of the Dean family!). Then he said that he could get the tickets to a couple of games to which he and I should go. What follows is my direct train of thought:

I haven't been to a baseball game in a long time -- hey! i'll be legally allowed to drink beers at a baseball game for the first time! All right! -- But I'll probably have to constantly piss after I break the seal -- That would mean I could miss some of the playing -- But it does go by so slowly, it's entirely possible to piss and not miss anything -- OH MY GOD! That's why people love the sport.

And then I had what the alcoholics call a "moment of clarity". Of course grown men love this sport, just as much as they love beer and greasy food with it! You could go to the bathroom after eating 8 hot dogs and guzzling a half keg of beer, deal with that Personal Inferno in the Lavatory, and still make it back and miss maybe three batters at the most. Of course! It's ingenious. With the exception of dirty illicit sex, Baseball conforms with all of our greatest sins.

-- We Drink at the game.
-- We gorge on mystery meats and salty nuts.
-- We bet on the teams.
-- We scream, and curse, wish unspeakable acts on the opposing team/any fan supporting the opposing team.
-- We take credit for our cheering, waves, hat wearing, and stupid dancing as if we effected the outcome of the game. We identify with the players and their win becomes our win.
-- It used to be you could smoke in the stands, and since it's an outdoor event you don't have to deal with the stank (as opposed to old Hockey Arenas which smell like farts & cancer on Ice).
-- We wish we were the players, the guys in the Skybox, or at least that dude who's sitting with that really hot chick even though she's completely out of his league. That son of a bitch. I'm sure he's got a great personality...but still.
-- We sit for hours on end doin naught else but the above mentioned sins.

By my count, that's 6 of the 7 big Deadly Sins. Greed, Gluttony, Sloth, Envy, Pride, Wrath -- and there is occasional Lust (I know a couple of very heterosexual men that once had a deep affinity for Nomar).

So maybe Baseball really is the perfect National Pastime: It moves slowly (like our government), supports our worse traits (like our media/arts) , and it strives for loftier and spiritual aspirations but is usually marred by scandal (like our religion). Not bad for a game where a lot of guys spend a majority of their time fiddlin' with their dongs.

Play Ball, I say!




...but seriously, how much are you gonna charge for a hot dog? cuz that shiite ain't right.

Death of a Blogger

Reading the papers and watching the telly, it seems like God's been doing some mortal spring cleaning. Johnnie Cochran, Frank Perdue, Mitch Hedburg, Pope, Terri Schiavo, Saul Bellow, the creator of Brenda Starr. People are getting knocked off left and right by Killy McGee, and it's not just boring normal people like usual -- but important celebrities and award winning peeps!

Then I watched the movie Eulogy a couple of nights ago. Pretty funny. Ray Romano redeems himself for the piece of eye cancer that was Welcome to Mooseport. The point is, that movie (obviously) also deals with death. Add these two factors into the swirling morbid obsession that festers in my brain, and POOF! you have today's post.

To wit -- What if I died? What if in all the hoopla over these great people I was quickly ushered off this mortal coil? Or wound up in a persistive vegetative state only to be pranced about on screen like a demagogic puppet? How would anyone know my final wishes?

They would find my funereal preparations on my blog. So for all y'all out there, when I do leave this decrepit Hot Dog stand that we call Life, here's what I want to go down with my funeral:

First off -- it's an outdoor event. None of that stuffy mortuary or funeral home stuff.

Also, not to get semantic about this or sound like Seinfeld, but why do they call it a funeral home? Funerals don't really reside there; not in any permanent residence kind of way. in any case. They are transitory affairs, here one day gone forever. How about Funeral Clubhouse? Not only is that more accurate to the purpose of the buildings than Funeral Homes, but it is definitely more inviting. "Want to go to the Funeral Clubhouse to say goodbye to Aunt Helen?" "Do I!" See how happy they are?

I want it to be outside on a really nice day. So that means check the weather report. Sure, some would want rain to make the whole thing seem dramatic and epic. That's not my style...well, not my funeral style anyway. No I would like for it to be a nice and sunny day. So if I kick off during the gray wasteland of winter, the funeral will be held off until Spring or Summer. A festive time when people can celebrate life and nature. So some folding chairs are in order. A couple of tables for the food. And of course a banner. One that says "Bon Voyage, Le Singe Nevrotique". Let's keep it light.

Secondly -- Open bar. I want a bunch of kegs and a wide selection of alcohol. It's a party, people. Y'all are sending me into the afterlife. You wouldn't sit around with hangdog expressions if I was moving away to start a career in other town, would you? No! You'd all be happy and celebrating in style! Puking on shoes, hitting on people inappropriately, it's all good at my funeral! But -- Let's try and shield the youngsters from being exposed to this. They don't need to be marred when Uncle Keith keeps trying to engage them in debate or dance with them.

Also, lots of good snacks. I'm talking 'bout Toquitos, Nachos, Crab Rangoon, mini Quiche, Scallops Wrapped in Bacon, and -- yes, that perennial symbol of grief and mortality -- Pigs in a Blanket. Scarf it down, fuckers. If I wasn't pushing up daisies y'all know I'd be joining in witchu!

Thirdly -- Music selection. Forget the hymns. They're so played out. "Jesus this" and "Heaven that". Booo-rrrriiiing. So I want some good music, music that I liked and is appropriate for the occasion. Here it is -- Dean's Dead Mixtape Edition:

"We're Gonna Be Friends" by White Stripes

"For the Widows in Ypsilanti, For the Fatherless in Paradise" by Sufjan Stevens

"Another Lonely Day" by Ben Harper

"Pale Blue Eyes" by The Velvet Underground

"The Fragile" by Nine Inch Nails

"The Vagabond" by Beck

"Flim" by Aphex Twin

"Prince Caspian" by Phish (studio version -- I don't want no 7 hour drum solo jam band riffing at my funeral. Also let's cut down on the amount of hippie dancing that happens.)

"All is Full of Love" by Bjork

"The Transfiguration" by Sufjan Stevens

"Tracks of my Tears" by Smokey Robinson and the Miracles

"Do You Realize?" by The Flaming Lips

"Perfect Day" by Lou Reed

"Labor Day" by Aesop Rock

"Give Up" by Aimee Mann

"Knock Yourself Out" by Jon Brion

"Midnight Train to Georgia" by Gladys Knight & The Pips

"Always on My Mind" by Elvis Presley

"Something" by The Beatles

"Oh Sweet Nothing" by Velvet Underground

"God Only Knows" by The Beach Boys

"Monkey's Gone to Heaven" by The Pixies (obligatory?)

and lastly a singalong to "Takin it Back" (for those in the know)

The other songs can all be chosen by my friends and family. Also, this music is only to cover the service portion of my funeral. The rest of the evening will be karaoke. I want some drunken screaming of Billy Idol and Berlin goin on here, k?

Fourthly -- the service. I don't want a eulogy. I don't want a sermon or any scripture readings. I want a quick summary of the life I wish I had lead. I'm enlisting my friends who knew me enough to know what I wish I could've been. They would tell fantastic and thrilling stories like How I freed Atlantis from the cruel robot overlords of Venus, and then got to hook up with Carla Gugino before I took my rocket skates for a spin around the globe. Stuff like that. Also Anecdotes of me being an ass and embarrassing myself a thousandfold. All those Good Times that none of us can really remember recounted one last time before I'm shipped off into the Gulfs of the Unknown. More importantly, I want people to talk about their own memories of their own lives. Funerals always make people think about their own mortality, so why not talk about how great their lives have been. I don't want people to mourn my death; I want people to celebrate my life, dammit! And more importantly, I want them to celebrate theirs! Be happy you're not dead! Reflect on what life means and have a good time doin it! I'm giving you a chance at an existential kegger; don't pass this up, fool!

The service will also end with a 21 (or However Many My Pansy Liberal Friends Can Scrounge Up and Actually Work) Gun saltute. Preferably done in time with some track from Jock Jams.

Finally -- my remains. I want to be cremated and split up into several different little pouches. Each Pouch is made out of satin and has a mysterious and elaborate "D"embossed on it; in short, it needs to look like a prop from Dragonslayer. Each pouch will be taken by a person or team to one of the designated spots around the globe.

The pouches will be emptied into:
Atlantic, Pacific, Indian, and Arctic ocean.
Gibsonton, Florida
Trinity, New Mexico
Tokyo, Japan
the Outback, Australia
Amazon River
The Valley of the Kings, Egypt

Or, if possible, I wish to be used as smoke bombs for whichever friend of mine FINALLY becomes a costumed crimefighter.

My funeral will not actually exist within any real sense of space/time -- so that means you can smoke cigarettes and still consider yourself a "former smoker"; you can drink and call yourself sober; or hook up with other people and still be monogamous. What happens at Neurotic Monkey's funeral, STAYS at Neurotic Monkey's funeral.

Or maybe I'll just change all these rules in a year. But for right now, this is how I want my one TRUE day of rest to go.

And if someone could invite Tara Reid to come and flash a titty, it'd be appreciated.

15 Movies You've Never Seen (But Should)

Herro!

How's it goin out there e'rybody? Everything finally all smoothed out between whathisname and youknowwho? Good. Glad to hear it.

Recently I was compiling a list for a friend of mine; it was a long list of comedy movies that she should see. The sad part is that while writing the extensive (re: exhaustive) list, I realize that I write a lot of lists. Usually small ones in the margins of a piece of paper for what plans & chores I have for the day; or long and contested mental lists of favorite CDs, books, and other non essential but highly debatable topics. Even more tragic than the discovery of my penchant for making lists, is how much I enjoy lists. Not just my own. I eat up all those year end Top Ten lists, and anytime there's a countdown on TV or in a magazine for some nerdy topic, you'll find my eyes scouring all over it, trying to see if my favorites got on.

Bravo's poorly named 100 Scariest Moments in Film has been running nonstop (I think in a type of half assed promotion for Project Greenlight). Somehow I manage to watch it every single time. I get sucked in by seeing all those great splatter and suspense movies I gobble up ever since I was a youngin'. I love seeing the scenes and movies that I loved as a kid now being praised as terrifying and brilliant by the likes of the Coors Twins and that Dude from that Show. You know the one...with the hair? Anyway, I did like that my favorite film (so many nerd choices but it always boils down to this one) capped off the list at number 1 -- and that's Jaws. A great film that kept people out of the water and has, coupled with Japan's voracious and senseless ultraviolent poaching, forced the shark population to creep towards extinction.

I realize that lists are just another outlet to connect with people. We want to see if our opinions match up with anyone out there, or at the very least what the majority of people think in this country. How many polls do you read, knowing that they're retarded and irrelevant, and still get mad at the results when they run counter to your own beliefs? I'm looking at you "Teen People's Sexiest Muppet in Hot Pants"! There's a sad sense of validation derived from seeing something you like appear on a list somewhere. It's as if the Universe is saying, "See--you should listen to Tom more often. Clearly he's got a good bead on things. Good call, Tom. By the way, your fly is down." Thanks, Universe! It's almost a nerd equivalent of rooting for your home team. I say almost because I know how many lists appear on ESPN throughout the day -- Jocks like lists, too, dammit.

Lists also provide us with great conversation fodder. Watch some of those E! specials about the 50 skankiest Crack Whores in Hollywood History, or VH1's Worst 80s Comebacks that Were Engineered by VH1 with a group of friends. You get to revel in nostalgia, show a little of your personality and background, and dissect your friends' own bias and beliefs. Good times!

Another aspect to Listmania is that I think it is a reflection of how our mind works. Much like the separation of Weekdays from Weekends, and the difference between Cinemax's afternoon programming and its late night spankathon shows, Lists are a product of our linear way of thinking. We need to know how certain things rank in our lives, the levels of importance and excellence that Object X carries with it. Once we know how X is situated we can decide whether we want X or if we want Not X. We need to know the general progression of things, including cultural tastes, and ideas of beauty. We need to know the chronology of events, the timelines of what's cool and what came first, maybe in a vain hope for finding out what's coming next. And while lists have always existed, they really started coming about when the new (and BOOOO-ring!) Millenium came about. Like everyone suddenly became a cultural anthropologist and had to document how the sex scenes in White Sands are hotter than the sex scenes in Wild Things (it's true, you know).

Lists aren't just a human thing. Check out the Ten Commandments. You just know that God was sweating over the 10 and 11 spots. "Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife...OR...Don't Come a knockin if this van's a rockin. Hmmm...which one? Which one?" And if it's good enough for Yahweh -- it's good enough for me!

So with that large and unneccessary preamble out of the way -- I give unto you the list of 15 movies that you've never seen, but should. I'm sure some of you have seen some of these movies. Maybe one or two has seen all of them. Well great. Weigh in with your thoughts on each one -- tell me I'm wrong or write up your own damn list. For everyone else -- do yourself a favor and go find some of these movies. They're all terrific little slices of cinema.*

Go on with the Chlorophyll!

By the way these aren't in particular order, so bop around if you feel free to -- but be careful and always wear a helmet.


15.) Yes Nurse! No Nurse!

This Dutch musical is a remake of a late 1960s musical comedy television show from the Netherlands. The story is a very simple one -- heartwarming Nurse Clivia defends her Retirement Home full of eccentrics from the evil and hateful plotting of their neighbor and landlord Bordevol. There's some stuff about thieves, a failed pop group, some happy pills, and a whole lot of singing. It's just so brightly colored and energetic and fun, that it's hard to turn down -- like a hot girl covered in glow sticks at a rave, all hopped up ecstasy; so you stare and enjoy the show. I will say that more than anything else, I came away from this movie realizing that Dutch is quite possibly the UGLIEST sounding language ever born to man. A weird mixture of German and gargling, it just sounds frightful. Like a Nazi ordering his platoon with a throat full of pigeon. But the music is good and light; the movie is like a very light sweet you would find in a highly decorative basket. Ch-ch-ch-check it out! Caramelloooooo!

If You Liked This Movie, Check Out: Hedwig and the Angry Inch. Also a musical featuring butch looking women. Except in this case they're men. Kinda. It's complicated.


14) How's Your News?

Probably the one film on this lil list that everyone MUST see. Being the antisocial unathletic nerdboy that I am, I've seen a lot of movies. Some I hate, some I love; some make me angry, a few have made me weepy; a bunch have made me laugh, some have made me cringe. But no movie has ever made me feel just so good about being part of the human race. Then How's Your News? came along. It's a brilliant documentary that chronicles an assortment of people (all with various forms of being mentally and/or physically challenged) going across the country and reporting from wherever they are. They interview random people on the street and highlight some nice local places for people to check out should they find themselves goin on a similar transcontinental quest. It's funny without being cruel or mean to the challenged people, and it's sweet without being grotesquely saccarine. The DVD is worth buying, so I encourage everyone to head on over to here or wherever you go for DVD purchases and pick up a copy today. Much like the contagious and persistent theme song, the sheer fun and happiness contained within this movie will spread into you. I know that sounds lame, but it's true. Trust me, I'm a very jaded monkey. Also, the DVD contains Ronnie Simonsen finally meeting and interviewing his idol -- Mr. Chad Everett. It's just great. Stop reading this blog and watch this movie.

If You Liked this Movie, Check Out: Punch Drunk Love. Also a very warm and tingly movie with a jagged edge.


13) Battle Royale

This movie is trenched in legend and gossip and the mere mention of it around any asianphiles (it's a word now, bitches!) will send them into hysterics. The movie concerns a dark future where the youth is out of control, as is the population problem -- so here's the solution: BATTLE ROYALE! One class is randomly selected from a random high school in Japan and then shipped off to an island. There it's simple: kill or be killed. They leave some weapons lying around for the kids to use and put on a nice little lethal time limit on their bloodsplattering fun. This film has spawned a sequel, a manga series, and a career for Chiaki Kuriyama who played Go-Go Yubari in Kill Bill. Many people believe this film has been banned in the US and that's why there's no official Region 1 DVD release; the fact is that the distributor and owner of the film refuses to release it in America (for whatever shady reasons). But it's very available on Region Free DVDs, bootlegs, and the occasional E-bay friendly VCD. Check it out if you're in the mood for some ultraviolent crazy as fuck asian action that doesn't involve naked girls eating vomit (although girls and vomit are both in this movie).

If You Liked This Movie, Check Out: Cabin Fever. gross, bloody, violent, yet oddly funny and quirky. The Fingerbang scene is a little too much fer me; so bravo, Mr. Roth. Bravo.


12) The Singing Detective

True, this isn't technically a movie, but instead a mini-series. Just think of it as an eight hour movie. That's all. And try to ignore the Robert Downey, Jr. 2 hour movie version that came out a few years ago, directed by Keith Gordon from Christine (he was the guy in love with the car, and he constantly called people "shitters"). This is a great BBC miniseries by Dennis Potter (Pennies from Heaven) that tells so many stories at once that it's hard to coalesce them all together. The first story is a dimestore paperback about a singing detective who has to solve a murder; then it's about the guy who wrote the first story, and is now suffering from a terrible skin disease in a hospital and tries to get through the pain and indignity of his illness; and lastly it's about the ruins of his childhood. All three stories swirl together, destroying the boundaries of reality and narrative sense, with actors playing multiple roles and fictional characters wandering in and out of the writer's present day Hell. It also features some rather great musical performances and an excellent cameo by a Hitler puppet. Michael Gambon plays both the writer and his noir creation, and is absolutely amazing in his performance. Overall it's a great and fascinating story that's based largely on Potter's own life (though he would constantly deny it), and manages to be at once silly, dark, depressing, and meaningful.

If You Liked This Movie, Check Out: Pennies from Heaven. Potter's other blending of the real world and a fictional one, this time Depression era Musicals. The Steve Martin version is far better than the original BBC version in my humble opinion. But then again, I tend to huff things. So you be the judge.


11) Touching the Void

Docudrama is a horrible phrase, ennit? It sounds so lame, like it would be the title of a show on the Lifetime Network or something. Nonetheless, that is exactly what this film is -- a documentary with a lot of parts dramatically reenacted. Based upon the best selling book of the same name, Touching the Void follows two climbers who are trying to conquer a mountain in South America (a feat none had accomplished before) when things go terribly wrong. Without going into details, a nigh impossible choice has to be made, and a dark miracle occurs, all captured brilliantly through interviews and the reenactments of the horrific climb and the highly impossible tale of survival that spun out of it. It's so gripping and unbelievable -- you already know the outcome and know that it isn't actually happening on screen, but still you find yourself sucked in and hoping that it all turns out okay. Well worth your time. It's rated R because people swear when they fall down chasms and limbs brake and apparently children can't take that, in this country.

If You Liked This Movie, Check Out: Super Size Me. Another documentary about an ardurous task that will leave you in disbelief and shock, but for entirely different reasons. Seriously, MacDonald's is gross. I am NOT lovin it, sir! Not at all.


10) Solaris

Yes, I'm referring to the 2002 version with George Clooney and directed by the guy who did Erin Brockovich. I know it's cinephile blasphemy, but I prefer this version to Tarkovsky's, so be it. I think the score is amazing and is such great music to play while you envision some catastrophic dream. The claustrophobic set, intense cinematography, and nervous breakdown editing all make this just play on my brain and my nerves a lot more than 1972's Solyaris. This film is sci-fi, but not by much. It concerns a space station monitoring the planet known as Solaris, deep in space. When something goes wrong with the crew aboard the station, troubled psychiatrist George Clooney is dispensed to save the day -- but he has no idea how, or from what he's saving everybody. The movie has more to do with loss, love, letting go, and the vicelike grip of our ghostly memories than it does alien contact or space exploration. Based upon a book by the mad genius Stanislaw Lem, this film is a great hypnotic piece of art. Also, director Steven Soderbergh said that if the audience does not enjoy the first ten minutes of this film, then they should just leave. Brilliant!

If You Liked This Movie, Check Out: Bringing Out the Dead. Scorsese's underappreciated atmospheric film about EMTs, ghosts, and how much the dead really wear on our thin souls. Great soundtrack, I might add. "I am the Japanese sandman."


9) Melvin Goes to Dinner

What? A talky comedy about Gen Xers' lives, loves, careers and everything else in between? AND it's an independent film? Get out of here! No, it's true. But wait -- this is a good one! Directed by Bob Odenkirk (Mr. Show), Melvin Goes to Dinner is quite funny and also struck home with me in a couple of scenes and conversations. The film concerns a dinner between four people, each mainly being friends with only one other person at the table, but everyone is pretty much a stranger to each other. Throughout the course of the movie, they talk about sex, god, ghosts, insanity, love, marriage, work, and so many other things in between with equal parts humor and gravity. If My Dinner with Andre actually had a pulse and/or a sense of timing, then it would be called Melvin Goes to Dinner. The best parts of the movie, in my estimation, are whenever they show a flashback which usually features a weird but realistic character portrayed by such comedians as David Cross and Jack Black. Phylogiants indeed! Also, Maura Tierney's in it, and she's just hot. Maura, if you're reading this -- call me. I'm much better now.

If You Liked This Movie, Check Out: Dinner for Five. A great IFC series about filmmaking; it shows how hilarious stories and personalities can emerge from a simple dinner surrounded by cameras and featuring famous people. Some of the conversations are incredibly revealing, and some also show people I thought were pricks either redeeming themselves (Andy Dick has a soul?) or proving me right for my harsh judgment (Hello, Chevy).


8) Roger Dodger

Another talky indie, but this one is decidely much darker. Roger Dodger concerns Nick's (Jesse Eisenberg) education in the fairer sex as instructed by his mysoginistic lothario of an uncle, Roger (Campbell Scott). Roger works in advertising, so he understands how sex works, how the mind of men and women work, and just how base and primitive we all really are. Midwest native Nick, meanwhile, is adrift in the city, visiting his estranged uncle, who then proceeds to take him out on the town for a night to get laid, meet women, and drink a lot of booze -- maybe not in that order. The film is a lot of rapid fire dialogue about the power of the sexes, the power of sex, and all the complications that arise out of those struggles. Both men are sportin' wounds that neither wants to talk about, and while sensitive Nick is used to thinking with his head and heart, Roger does most of his thinking with other body parts -- including his near reptilian brain. Hilarious, slightly disturbing, but always frank, Roger Dodger is a great introductory course and review of just how screwed up Sex makes us all.

If You Liked This Movie, Check Out: Todd Solondz's Happiness to see the truly dark side of sex. This is a screwed up movie where you feel awful when you laugh, and can't help but feel fidgety and uncomfortable in your seat. Good times, though!


7) The Happiness of the Katakuris

It's Miike time! The prolific Japanese director Takashi Miike makes an average of about 4-5 movies per year in his homeland. Are all of them great? No. Some are horrible (City of Lost Souls). But this is a great movie, and so utterly unlike anything Miike had done before (Well, maybe a lil like Visitor Q, but still...). It's a musical, a zombie movie, and a family comedy -- complete with some scenes shot in claymation. If you're sick of taking drugs and watching Run Lola Run, check out this flick: it's a helluva trip. When the Katakuris find their hotel badly in need of funds or else they'll be ruined, they pray that they get some visitors soon. Well they do...only problem is that they keep dying. They try to hide the bodies, but that doesn't seem to work too well. And when a mysterious stranger claiming to be Queen Elizabeth's bastard Japanese son shows up, well the hilarity ensues! It seems like family fun, and there's something in it for everyone, but the fact is that this movie is such a cracked masterpiece it's so hard to look away. If only cuz of the super cheesy choreography.

If You Liked This Movie, Check Out: Audition -- and see what else Miike is possible of. I'll give you a hint -- it's one of the creepiest fucking films in the past 15 years. I mean, it's no Scooby Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed , but it's still frightening in its own right.


6) Fast, Cheap, & Out of Control

Errol Morris is one of the most innovating documentarian who came about even before the flood of documentaries in the past 3 years or so. His work is always interesting and provocative, studying a singular person or event and finding all the mystery and wonder that it contains. With the possible exception of his excellent and oft forgotten show First Person, nowhere is his gift for interviewing and finding the wonder in people's lives more evident than in this film. Morris profiles four men who are all in very different lines of work: there's a lion tamer, a robotics engineer, a mole rat scientist, and a topiary gardener. Yet, simply by letting them tell their stories, Morris is able to show all the qualities that these men seem to share with one another -- that sense of obsession and passionate love for creating something unique. Truly fascinating look at people who are definitely not swimming in the mainstream.

If You Liked This Movie, Check Out: The Fog of War. Morris's Academy Award-winning documentary that looks into the life and lessons of Robert Mcnamara, one of the masterminds behind the Vietnam War...oops!...I mean Conflict.


5) Trouble in Paradise

This great romantic comedy from 1932 is still funny and amazingly not at all dated today! It involves two con artists trying to score some money off a rich heiress, but one thing they didn't plan on is the man falling in love! Sorry, sorry -- I just wanted to sound like the preview guy. If only for a second. Sigh. Anywhoski, Ernst Lubitsch directs this hilarious movie that has rapid fire banter and some great innuendo and entendres that made the crowd of hipster doofuses that I saw it with laugh. It's recently been released on the Criterion Collection DVD. So it's got a great transfer, and a boatload of extras. I really was blown away by how funny this movie is, and how much it never seems at all dated. Silent pictures are able to defer from being dated, but the early talkies? Well, give it up to Lubitsch, who proves he still has the "Lubitsch touch". A movie you can actually describe as "pithy"; go on, say it right now. Doesn't that feel good? You liked that, didn't you bitch?

If You Liked This Movie, Check Out: Tadpole. This indie shot on digital cameras captures one of the best (and last) performances from John Ritter as the father of an exceptionally brilliant 15 year old boy, who just so happens to be in love with his stepmom (Sigourney Weaver). It's pretty cheap on visuals and the budget, but its verbal dueling and hilarious acting by all involved still make it a very engaging little film.


4) Kicking and Screaming

More young people talking? What am I, some kind of queer? Yes and no, respectively. Kicking and Screaming concerns a small group of friends who are graduating from a liberal arts college into a world they neither know nor care to. As Chris Eigeman's character, Max, puts it "What I used to pass off as a bad summer could potentially turn into a bad life." It's full of people that I feel I know and in some parts, I know that I am: Pop culture junkies who are overeducated and undermature, who are so comfortable with academia that they hang out around their college like children whose mothers have forgotten to pick them up from soccer practice. With great discussions of future fears, past failures, and present idiosyncrasies, this movie really just seems so right and horribly relevant. Although I do find the frank disclosure of "who beat off today?" a little odd. And this isn't to be confused with "Kicking & Screaming" the soccer movie coming out later this year with Will Ferrel.

If You Liked this Movie, Check Out: The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou. The writer/director of this movie, Noah Baumbach, appears to have become Wes Anderson's new writing partner in crime, beginning with this oft overlooked gem. Lotta people thought this movie was only okay, but I loved it. I thought it was a great realization of a maudlin child's dream...and with David Bowie in Portuguese! Suck on that!


3) FullTime Killer

Asian action. Just the way I like it -- stylized, hyperviolent, and oh so cool. This movie concerns two assassins, O and Tok, the former being considered the best hitman around, and the latter who will do anything to claim that title. O is incredibly professional -- his kills are clean and relatively quiet and boring. Tok, on the other hand, gets all of his ideas from movies and so he makes a big flashy splash when he goes out to kill people, hoping to get his name out there for all the right people to see. A weird combative relationship is struck up between them, with a sweet housecleaning girl caught in the middle. Add also a couple of cops on their trails, and this movie which should be laden with cliches, becomes highly involving and really fun to watch. It gets a lil loopy towards the end, but the high energy, badassery of the action, and the sheer pleasure from watching this action movie end up winning out over even that.

If You Liked This Movie, Check Out: Leon (aka The Professional). Written and directed by Luc Besson when he still had talent and wasn't a complete hack, this is a great stylized action flick featuring Jean Reno as a cold blooded (if somewhat dim) killer assassin who is very good at "cleaning" up his client's messes. Then there's Gary Oldman as the out of control whack job crooked cop who is truly a real menace on the streets. Enter Natalie Portman, playing a victim to Oldman's savagery and bloodletting, who manages to melt through Reno's icy veneer as they slowly bond together, leading Oldman and Reno onto an explosive collision course.


2) Comedian

This is a wonderful look into the lives of, what else?, comedians. It shows two very different people at very different places in their lives and careers. One is the immensely succesful Jerry Seinfeld, who after ending his sitcom took all of his millions and marched bravely back into the line of fire of stand up. He retired all of his old act, so he's constantly trying out new material, sometimes bombing and sometimes out right forgetting it. He's a true god among comedians now, so whenever he approaches the mic with his act, it's a lot different than before. The other person is Orny Adams, a hopeful up-and-comer who dreams of making big bucks and becoming a huge star. He's also playing all the clubs and comedy festivals, and getting a lot of buzz about him as he progresses in his career. This documentary looks into the behind the scenes of the comedy world, all the personalities involved, and what type of mental disorder drives a person to stand up in front of people and ask them to judge their thoughts. While Seinfeld comes off as the seasoned pro who still seems unsure of his new life, Adams just comes off like a Grade A douchebag. And that's where a lot of the greatness of this film lies; not just in the stand up routines that are shown, or in the backstage meditations on comedy and stand up, but in the dynamic that is profiled between these (seemingly) two very different people (Seinfeld has since said that he actually does have Adams's personality, he just hides it better from being in the biz longer). Funny, mesmerizing as a train wreck, and actually pretty informative, Comedian manages to show the psychosis of Stand Up in a very understandable and intelligent light. Plus, Colin Quinn doesn't come off as big as a douchebag as normal. Seriously, comedians LOVE Colin Quinn, while TV audiences just pretend he's not there.


If You Liked This Movie, Check Out: Adaptation. Spike Jonze and Charlie Kaufman reteam to bring forth this absolutely brilliant film which is also about the insanity of the creative process, and all of the manic feelings that swarm inside the minds of writers and other artists.


1) Fantastic Four

Not the new super blockbuster that is prolly gonna suck since it's been directed by the jackass schmucktard that made Jimmy Fallon's craptastic Taxi. No, no, no. This is a movie made in the early nineties, an adaptation of the beloved first family of Marvel Comics. For all of you that don't know, the Fantastic Four revolves around four astronauts (Reed Richards, his wife Sue Storm, her brother Johnny Storm, and odd man out Ben Grimm) who get bombarded by cosmic rays and are drastically transformed into super beings that wish to battle evil and explore the unknown. Reed becomes Mr. Fantastic and can shape, stretch, and move his body anyway he chooses. Sue becomes Invisible Girl (later Woman) , a telekinetic that can cloak her body so as to appear invisible to others around her. Johnny can turn into a giant fireball and fly and project flame at others, thereby earning the name Human Torch. Unfortunately, Ben gets the shit end of the stick, and is permanently transformed into a solid rock mass of a monster known as The Thing, endowed with super strength, rock hard skin, and the curse of having to always look like a freak. That's The Fantastic Four...doesn't that sound like a great movie that everyone would want to see? It wasn't. On any accounts. The studio (I believe it was Roger Corman's AIC pictures, or some Corman owned company) that owned the rights to The Fantastic Four was going to lose said ownership unless they started shooting by a certain date. Well, the producers said "What the fuck" and started shooting -- NEVER INTENDING TO RELEASE THE MOVIE. Unfortunately, no one told the cast or much of the crew that. They all thought they were making a little bit above B-Level action movie. Well they weren't. The effects were horrible, the script terrible, the acting the worst. But, as intended, the movie was never released. Fated to disappear into the halls of whispered legend and curious half-remembrances. But wait...enter the hero of the picture -- THE VIDEO PIRATE. Someone obtains a copy of the video of the movie from the studio. And they bring it to a comic convention, and from there it spreads like herpes at Spring Break. It, along with the Star Wars Holiday Special, is one of the most sought after and prized bootlegs and pieces of nerddom in all the land. It is also horribly despised by everyone (including Stan Lee) and hard to track down. In fact, I've never seen it. But if you are looking for it, Comic Conventions and E-bay are riddled with copies. And if anyone reading this owns one, please send me a copy of it. I'll be your best friend, and eternally grateful. Hell, I'll even give you a sip of my soda.

If You Like This Movie, Check Out: Captain America. The word "Like" in this case is being used ironically. These are horrible movies with no budgets that are supposed to be huge epic action movies. Captain America has some of the worst action, gayest uniforms (and that's saying something right, General Zod?), and horrible make up. Not to mention the plot...what shreds there are of it. It's a complete train wreck.



So there ya have it. 15 movies to check out and see if my opinion is worth a damn. Go on, try me. I dare ya! Anywhoski, hope all is well with everyone.


Also, I'm declaring a Jiihad on Jamster. I hate their commercials, I hate their pop up ads, I hate the service they are attempting to bombard me with. I don't need to hear Baby Got Back in little beeps and buzzes, or see some mutant frog all hopped up on Crystal Meth every time a cell phone rings. Fuck you, Jamster. i'll see you in hell, you piece of shit.


kisses!

That Albino Stole My Dwarf!*

Quote-tastic time y'all!

"Do you want some company?" she asked.

I did, desperately, which is why I had gone looking for Cheryl and visited old honeymoon haunts and gazed up at comets in an effort to summon up some sense of belonging to a world that wasn't solely stitched out of fading memories. -- Sideways by Rex Pickett

I was taught a month ago
to bide my time and take it slow
well then I learned just yesterday
to rush and never waste a day
now I’m convinced the whole day long
that all I learn is always wrong
the thing’s that are true that I forget
well no one’s taught that to me yet

-- "Character Zero" by PHISH

It's never been all right! The lullabies are wrong. -- Subtle Bodies by Clive Barker

Those who will not reason, are bigots, those who cannot, are fools, and those who dare not, are slaves. -- Byron

My life is a madlib. -- Nick Mcgrath

It's the spaces in between life I like the most. -- Jerry Seinfeld

they can call me crazy if i fail
all the chance that i need
is one-in-a-million
and they can call me brilliant
if i succeed
gravity is nothing to me
i’m moving at the speed of sound
i’m just gonna get my feet wet
until i drown

-- "Swan Dive" by ani difranco

Equality is rarely gained without sacrifice. -- Martin Luther King, Jr.

THE CASTAWAY
by

William Cowper

(1731-1800)

OBSCUREST night involv'd the sky,
Th' Atlantic billows roar'd,
When such a destin'd wretch as I,
Wash'd headlong from on board,
Of friends, of hope, of all bereft,
His floating home for ever left.

No braver chief could Albion boast
Than he with whom he went,
Nor ever ship left Albion's coast,
With warmer wishes sent.
He lov'd them both, but both in vain,
Nor him beheld, nor her again.

Not long beneath the whelming brine,
Expert to swim, he lay;
Nor soon he felt his strength decline,
Or courage die away;
But wag'd with death a lasting strife,
Supported by despair of life.

He shouted: nor his friends had fail'd
To check the vessel's course,
But so the furious blast prevail'd,
That, pitiless perforce,
They left their outcast mate behind,
And scudded still before the wind.

Some succour yet they could afford;
And, such as storms allow,
The cask, the coop, the floated cord,
Delay'd not to bestow.
But he (they knew) nor ship, nor shore,
Whate'er they gave, should visit more.

Nor, cruel as it seem'd, could he
Their haste himself condemn,
Aware that flight, in such a sea,
Alone could rescue them;
Yet bitter felt it still to die
Deserted, and his friends so nigh.

He long survives, who lives an hour
In ocean, self-upheld;
And so long he, with unspent pow'r,
His destiny repell'd;
And ever, as the minutes flew,
Entreated help, or cried--Adieu!

At length, his transient respite past,
His comrades, who before
Had heard his voice in ev'ry blast,
Could catch the sound no more.
For then, by toil subdued, he drank
The stifling wave, and then he sank.

No poet wept him: but the page
Of narrative sincere;
That tells his name, his worth, his age,
Is wet with Anson's tear.
And tears by bards or heroes shed
Alike immortalize the dead.

I therefore purpose not, or dream,
Descanting on his fate,
To give the melancholy theme
A more enduring date:
But misery still delights to trace
Its semblance in another's case.

No voice divine the storm allay'd,
No light propitious shone;
When, snatch'd from all effectual aid,
We perish'd, each alone:
But I beneath a rougher sea,

And whelm'd in deeper gulfs than he.

Here's some lighter stuff to check out:

-- This guy is patriotic and is definitely no making a travesty out of a national tragedy.

-- Christian Finnegan is a hilarious comedian who you may remember as the white guy from the "Mad Real World" skit on Chappelle's Show and he's on Best Week Ever. Check him out. He's funny, he's cool, he's everywhere you want to be!

* The title of this post is the only line that the show Strangers with Candy was not allowed to use at all during their three year existence.

Tra la lala lala...Oh no! It's Gargamel! And Azrael!

Here's my take on my lil nonsense quiz. Enjoy, suckabrains!

1. Which would you want: The Power of Flight or Invisibility?

A: Flight. Invisibility conjures up too many ethical problems. With Flight you save gas money, get endorsement deals, and lets not forget about the honeys -- all those smokin hot Flying Guy groupies. Also, with modern security equipment detecting body heat, movement, and sound -- Invisibility just ain't what it used to be.

2. Name three ways to skin a cat.

A: A. CutCo knife (those things can cut through cans! CANS!), B. expose them to that Gas that turns people inside out, then reach into their mouths and pull out their epidermis, C. Drop the cat into your local sociopath's backyard, wait a week, and then presto -- you got yourself a new cat skin.

3. Would you rather be a Pirate or a Ninja? Why or Why Not?

A: Pirate. This was a toughy. So many things to consider: outifit, weaponry, possibility for promotion and adventure, etc. I love me some katana blades, and those ninja throwing stars are pretty cool to break out at a party. But then consider the Pirate Life -- traveling the world wearing a lot of scarves. Plus, with a pirate you can easily move up the corporate ladder to become Pirate Captain and/or Pirate King and get your own island. Your arsenal includes a pistol, a sword, and some cannons. Then there's the wenches. My god man, the wenches! And lastly -- the shanties! You get to sing shanties to fill in yer time. Ninjas don't sing shanties -- I don't think ninjas even get to sing anything. Maybe they recite haiku. Haiku is no replacement for shanties.

4. You beat the devil in an arm wrestling contest. The world throws you a party complete with punch and confetti. What song is playing in the background?

A: Duh. "You're the Best" from The Karate Kid. Or maybe "Invincible" by Pat Benatar.

5. Which would you rather control: A Robot Servant or an Army of Monkeys?

A: Robot Servant all the way. Monkeys require upkeep, medical attention, supervision, and feeding. Robots are all good in that department while at the same time they're nigh indestructible. Whereas monkeys can easily get squished by...say...a sassy robot maid.

6. Your life story is FINALLY coming to the big screen. But it will can only be told in one of two mediums: Puppets or Flash Animation. Which do you choose?

A: Flash Animation. Puppets rock in their own felt way and really play up my own absurdity. But to capture the imaginary riffs, insane tangents, and surreal chatter that goes on in me noggin -- animation is the way to go.

7. Where/Who would your ghost haunt?

A: The Haunted Mansion at Disneyworld. Sure, I'd be bitter that everyone would look at my floating ectoplasmic self and think"Those Imagineers are Brilliant!" But outweigh that against smacking bratty kids and fucking with German tourists, and I still go with my choice.

8. What song was playing the first time you DID IT? Which song do you wish had been playing? Which song best defines the moment?

A: It wasn't a specific song but instead a Mix CD I had made for the lady. Which, in its own nerdy way, is the perfect musical accompaniement for me. The song that best defines the moment is probably either "Under Pressure" by David Bowie featuring Queen or It's Gonna be All Right" by Ween. Maybe "Loser" by Beck. Le sigh.

9. You can control any element of nature (Earth, Water, Wind, Fire -- and no, not Heart. Heart's not a real element. It was made up for dirty South Americans.). Which do you choose?

A: Fire. Sure, Earth has the more possibilities and I was most attracted to the Water Planeteer (the protogenesis for my Yellow Fever?). But for sheer coolness and badassery, one most go with Fire. Imagine lighting your cigarette with your mind. That's right ladies -- I'm that cool. 'Sup.

10. Santa's Elves ask you to help them rebel against their Corpulent Overlord. Do you accept and lead them to freedom, thereby canceling christmas OR do you decline and force them to make you a PSP?

A: I help them and then screw them over. First I lead them in bloody revolution over their obese master -- for the price of a PSP and a Segway (that I later sell on Ebay). Once Santa is lying in a pool of his own blood and those little hands are lifting me up, that's when I unleash my plan of selling them into slavery to some multinational corporation. Take that, you tiny fuckers!

11. You meet President Bush, Carson Daly (or Jimmy Fallon, if you prefer), and George Lucas all at once. You only have time to punch one of them in the face. Who do you choose? Who do you choose?

A: Lucas. The way I figure it, Bush has a whole team behind him that needs punchin'. Singling him out wouldn't provide me the satisfaction I need. Daly knows he's a tool, so there's no fun in that.

12. What song best sums up your childhood?

A: "American Music" by Violent Femmes or "Wouldn't It Be Nice" by Beach Boys.

13. You can either be the captain of an old timey submarine or a Zeppelin. Choose!

A: The Zep. Did anyone choose the submarine? I would rock that Zeppelin hardcore and make people call me "Lord of the Skies"!

14. Rock, Paper, or Scissors.

A: Rock.

15. What's the worst thing you can imagine running into on Acid? As in your grandma, a big dog, a small pack of kids, etc.

A: A security guard. What makes them such a formidable presence when on Acid is that they represent a quandary between the real world and the world of your drug addled mind. Security guards don't have any real power, they are hollow symbols of faux authority. But in that LSD haze, suddenly anyone with a semblance of authoritative power becomes an overbearing giant. So on the one hand your mind is sure that this guy is a badass law enforcer and the other half of you is thinking "Who's the schmuck in the sunglasses?"

16. Jesus has a talk with you. He wants you to pass on a one sentence message to the rest of the world. What's the sentence?

A: "Just leave me out of it."

17. You have to choose a tag team partner for life out of this bunch: Hulk Hogan, Steve Guttenberg, Ultimate Warrior, Paul Wolfowitz, Jennifer Beals, Iron Sheik, Andy Kaufman, Carl Weathers, Phylicia Rashad, Craig T. Nelson, Kerri Strug, Tom Selleck, Lynda Carter, David Byrne, Ernie Hudson, or Ubu the Dog.

A: The Ultimate Warrior. He narrowly edges out Selleck. That guy is batshit crazy and can rock the neon colors like no other!


Thanks for participating! Y'all come back now, y'hear! Oh and check out the song "The Transfiguration" by Sufjan Stevens off his Seven Swans album. Gracias a Drizzle. And just say NO to gypsies.

Fuck This Noise

Some questions (a brief shout out to J to tha Kurz fer some assistance). You have half an hour. Keep your eyes on your own work. Remember you'll have time to go back at the end. Make sure to show your work and explain all your own answers. Annnnnnnnnnnd, begin!

1. Which would you want: The Power of Flight or Invisibility?

2. Name three ways to skin a cat.

3. Would you rather be a Pirate or a Ninja? Why or Why Not?

4. You beat the devil in an arm wrestling contest. The world throws you a party complete with punch and confetti. What song is playing in the background?

5. Which would you rather control: A Robot Servant or an Army of Monkeys?

6. Your life story is FINALLY coming to the big screen. But it will can only be told in one of two mediums: Puppets or Flash Animation. Which do you choose?

7. Where/Who would your ghost haunt?

8. What song was playing the first time you DID IT? Which song do you wish had been playing? Which song best defines the moment?

9. You can control any element of nature (Earth, Water, Wind, Fire -- and no, not Heart. Heart's not a real element. It was made up for dirty South Americans.). Which do you choose?

10. Santa's Elves ask you to help them rebel against their Corpulent Overlord. Do you accept and lead them to freedom, thereby canceling christmas OR do you decline and force them to make you a PSP?

11. You meet President Bush, Carson Daly (or Jimmy Fallon, if you prefer), and George Lucas all at once. You only have time to punch one of them in the face. Who do you choose? Who do you choose?

12. What song best sums up your childhood?

13. You can either be the captain of an old timey submarine or a Zeppelin. Choose!

14. Rock, Paper, or Scissors.

15. What's the worst thing you can imagine running into on Acid? As in your grandma, a big dog, a small pack of kids, etc.

16. Jesus has a talk with you. He wants you to pass on a one sentence message to the rest of the world. What's the sentence?

17. You have to choose a tag team partner for life out of this bunch: Hulk Hogan, Steve Guttenberg, Ultimate Warrior, Paul Wolfowitz, Jennifer Beals, Iron Sheik, Andy Kaufman, Carl Weathers, Phylicia Rashad, Craig T. Nelson, Kerri Strug, Tom Selleck, Lynda Carter, David Byrne, Ernie Hudson, or Ubu the Dog.


Well, that's all. Pencils down. Hope you enjoyed it. Here's your reward:

http://rainbow.arch.scriptmania.com/rainbow_tv_episode.html

Ta-Ta.

PS My answers will be here tomorrow.